What Grand Theft Auto Has Taught Me Pt 2
By Jennacide 5 Comments
Nobody likes working the old 9-5 grind, but for most of us it’s just an unavoidable fact of life that we have to deal with. We get up early every Monday-Friday morning and work our asses off for people who don’t notice or appreciate it. And unless you’re a video game tester for a company of chocolate making models, chances are you spend most of the eight hours wishing you were somewhere else.
When I find myself staring at the clock waiting for it to tick over to 5pm, I remind myself that I have chosen to be here. I could be sitting at home unemployed happily playing video games. I could be a stripper, or a drug dealer (you know... as a last resort). OR I could put into practice the work lessons that my age old teacher Grand Theft Auto has been inspiring in me all along.
And thus we come to the beginning of Part Two of the things GTA has taught me, this time focusing on the laborious task that is work.
Jobs are everywhere, you’ve just gotta look harderIt’s coming up to Christmas, and this is usually the time where everybody starts looking for employment to see them through the season. It’s also the time that people start complaining about being too poor, blaming Christmas for their unemployment. But it’s not the season’s fault they can’t find a job. There are jobs all around us if you look closely.
None of the GTA characters ever complained about being poor or unemployed, and that’s because they knew how to look for opportunity. In the lands of Liberty City, San Andreas, Vice City etc there are jobs for the taking, all you have to do is pluck them from the air.
Lost for a way to get home? Steal a taxi and do some fares on the way. Feeling a little ill? Hijack an ambulance and pick up some other sickly people since you’re heading that way anyway. Or maybe you have a cousin who owns a taxi company you can help out? A hooker friend you can borrow money off? A killing spree you can go on that’ll earn some reward money?
The options are endless.
Think outside the box. And the lawIf GTA has taught me anything at all its that sometimes, it’s ok to think outside the law when it comes to work. For example, if your best friend knows somebody in the mob, or is in the mob, or has any sort of connection at all to the mob, then you can work for them. Nothing bad will come of it (except maybe a little blood on your hands) and the money is wonderful. In fact the money is so wonderful that you’ll probably never need to work another 9-5 job again.
If you don’t know anybody in the mob then your employment path is not at an end. But I do have to ask you... how comfortable are you with the act of murder? Because, well, there’s a lot of money to be had if it’s not a problem to you. But if you’re a little bit squeamish, or have any qualms with a criminal record, then I’d probably just skip straight to the next point.
Ok, so I’m going to go ahead and assume everybody reading this part of the article has no problems with doing a little dirty work, so I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Killing people is ok. It’s totally cool. Plus it’s also entirely justified if you legitimately need the money in your victims pockets. This lesson was one I learnt when playing my brother’s save of GTA: Vice City. He wanted me to earn him some money, but I didn’t want to wreck his save by doing any of the missions. Instead I headed down to the beach and massacred everybody I saw, stealing what little cash they had. Using that method I was able to buy the apartment on the second island that had the helipad, so don’t you tell me it isn’t a tried and true method. And if it works in GTA, it’s gotta work in real life too. Right?
Desperate times call for stand up measuresSo if for some reason none of my other helpful handy dandy tips worked (because you’re an adult without a driver’s license who doesn’t know anybody in the mob and flat out refuses to kill people [wuss]) then here’s the last piece of advice I can offer you; robbery. Sure it’s only slightly less criminal than murder, but the rewards are worth it.
Be warned though, if you hold up a store they’re not going to be very willing to serve you again for at least 24 hours (you’ve gotta give them some breathing room). So if I were you, I’d plan ahead. Say you have a snazzy date on Saturday night, and you need money to buy an outfit. Hold up the clothing store on the Thursday then return on the Friday afternoon to purchase your outfit without a hitch. And if money is really tight, you can always just hold up the store again after you buy your items for an immediate refund and bonus. It’s genius really.
Blink 182 once said “work sucks, I know”. And though the majority of us might tend to agree with them when we have a job (and even when we don’t) that doesn’t mean work has to suck forever. Following the age old advice of Grand Theft Auto will be sure to reap rewards and career opportunities like you’ve never seen before. Plus it’ll give you some extraordinary things to put on your resume for the next job you apply for. Who’s going to turn away the guy with the CV that says “bought apartment with murder victims’ cash”? Nobody I know, that’s for sure.
So this Christmas season, don’t fret about being unemployed, and definitely don’t stress out about not being able to pull enough money together before the 25. Just hijack the next taxi you see, or smack somebody with a baseball bat. It’ll be alright, you’ll see.
Please note, Jennacide Inc does not in any way shape or form condone the murdering of or stealing from other people. Unless it’s really really necessary.