Grand Theft Auto is a game everybody in Generation X and Y has heard of. Whether it’s because we’ve played them ourselves and loved them, or been told ‘never to touch them’ by our concerned and overbearing mothers, there’s no denying that this title has created a name for itself both in and out of the gaming community.

With each new release comes a brand new controversy, and yet despite how many people despise them and petition for them to cease being made, Rockstar keeps churning them out. Though the changes are minimal with each new game, the company is making millions off them. Now I don’t know about you, but that tells me that somewhere in this game has to be a fibre of truth. There has to be a lesson to be learned, a fact to take from it that can help us in our daily lives. So I have put together what I believe to be, a completely factual, true and helpful list of all the life lessons we can learn from the Grand Theft Auto franchise.

Part one focuses on the ever elusive feeling: love.

Love
Love does not discriminate, it does not pick and choose, and it does not forget. However, it also is not kind, or forgiving. Love is one of the most complicated things out there, but whether we like it or not, eventually we’re going to fall into it. Thankfully, Grand Theft Auto protagonists also dabble in the art of love, and if we learn from their experiences we will surely be as successful as they are.

Dressing nice=getting laid

Most people don’t struggle with the art of sex (most people) however, for many of us, finding someone to get into the backseat of our car is near impossible. Possibly because we do things like turn to Grand Theft Auto for love advice, or meet all potential partners on WoW, but just because we’re slightly different than other swinging singles, doesn’t mean we deserve fun any less.

What GTA has taught me about the act of mating, is that if you dress to style, your chances of getting laid increase dramatically. For example, Niko Bellic changes his outfit for every woman he beds. The upper class city girl doesn’t sleep with him when he’s wearing trackies and a hoody, but dressed up in a suit and tie she simply can’t get enough. Therefore, if it worked that one time in a video game, it has to work in real life too. Dress to impress the lady you’re with and she will bed you. Simple. Easy. Done (much like the women this will work on).

Hookers have feelings, too

When you’re lucky enough to have a hooker grace you with her presence, make sure you take her somewhere nice and secluded. Simply parking on the edge of a deserted street isn’t enough. This woman is a working girl and she has standards (probably…deep down). A park, shady alcove or even a dark beach is more fitting to a woman of such class, so take her somewhere appropriate. And when it’s all over, remember, this girl is someone’s daughter. She is probably half the town’s mother. So running her over to get your money back isn’t appropriate.

The internet, and all the people on it, hate you

The internet is an amazing wondrous thing, and in Grand Theft Auto IV we have the ability to browse the internet in game. All the most entertaining aspects of the internet have been incorporated into the game, including ridiculously slow email servers filled with junk mail, flashy ads for over-priced ring tones and of course, internet dating websites. And just like real life, internet dating doesn’t work in GTA either.

No matter what you look like, what your interests are or how nice of a person you may be, everybody on the internet is better than you, and they know it. Women who are the size of an elephant will dismiss you because you play video games as a hobby. Men who are balding will hate you because your hair is curly. Old women on their deathbed will disregard you because you haven’t showered in three months.

Niko Bellic receives countless rejection emails from the women he pursues online. It doesn’t matter how many nice clothes he has, or how much money he’s acquired or how many times he has outrun the law, the women online simply don’t care. So take it from Niko, a skilled player of the internet, and give up now. Nobody online is going to love you, because somehow in their deluded little minds, they think they deserve better and thus, are all going to die alone.

Love can be a cruel mistress, torturing you until you’re broken and alone, or it can be a wonderful and joyous thing that holds you and keeps you warm at night. Heed the words of wisdom spoken from the heart of the GTA franchise and your experience will most definitely be a fulfilling one. Choose to take advice from other areas such as books, magazines or your imaginary friends and well, I just can’t be blamed for how many years you spend alone.