Starship Troopers 3: Marauder Impressions
By Kevin 10 Comments
Okay, I just saw this movie through shady means. Just wasted 2 hours of my bandwidth for no fucking reason. This movie is terrible. The acting terrible. The action terrible. Just everything about it is terrible. It tries so hard to give some kind of message, but just ends up failing miserably.
First of all, I would like to say that the original Starship Troopers is somewhat of a guilty pleasure of mine. It has some mistakes, hell A LOT of mistakes, but the over-the-top action and good special effects made up for it. You actually felt that the bugs were there, that there was a threat, and when dudes got stabbed, they got stabbed. In Marauder, gone is everything that made the original awesome. Instead, we get Playstation esque graphics of the bugs, and I think I can count how many bugs on screen there were with just my two hands. I mean, it's just so terrible. Thank God I didn't buy this, or even take up one of my Netflix queue.
Speaking of God, this movie has some terrible message about God and religion I still don't understand. It made me pissed as an atheist as a couple of people rant on about God, and it's going to make Christians pissed because in the end it amounts to pointless propaganda. There's also some other message about fascism and free speech, but apparently the movie wants you to think that fascism is awesome and security in favor of freedom is cool. The movie just fails on every level to deliver some kind of theme or moral.
But that's not why you came to watch Starship Troopers. Who gives a fuck about the theme when there's shooting and war! Wrong, I think they spend about a total of ten minutes at "war" in a really well done paintball facility. The guns just look bad in my opinion and the bugs, like I said before, look like Playstation graphics. Just by their animation you can tell why this movie is a dvd only release. They also finally bring powered armor suits into the series, but thanks to the excellent choice of making them CGI, it just looks like a really bad video game. You know, now that I think of it, textures on the CGI stuff don't even compare to any current gen games. The rest of the time was just bullshit dialogue that will make you think Sesame Street is Shakespeare.
Every character in this movie will make you pissed. There's no one that you can say, "dude, that guy's a badass!" Even Johnny Rico, played by Casper Van Dien reprising his role, just is not good in this "film." Calling this a film is a pretty far stretch, and it's no wonder the humans continuously get pummeled by the bugs when their strategy in fighting them is "look in awe, then get stabbed." The simple logic errors found in the original are found here but 100 times worse. Why don't they just stay in the goddamn bunker when they're being attacked? Why don't they have a backup generator for their only line of defense? The "marines" in this movie must have gone to school with the same people who became stormtroopers and the Nazis assigned to shoot Indiana Jones. This movie has a serious problem of determining how many bullets can kill one bug. Early in the movie, a whole line of soldiers unload everything they have, and they barely kill one. A couple of scenes later, someone kills a bug with 3 shots. I mean, goddamn, they do not train these soldiers right.
But hey, I'm a nitpicky S.O.B. I'm the guy who hated Indy 4 because of the fridge nuke. But even the most lenient of movie-goers will absolutely hate this movie. Don't watch this movie. Tell your friends, family, and random people in the video store. This movie is horrendous. It's amazing it even got released on DVD. I think I died a little inside after finishing this movie.
Don't watch this movie.
P.S. The only positive thing I can say about it is that the end credits song is pretty sweet, but maybe that's because I gave a sigh of relief after knowing the movie was finally over.