Super Mario Bros Review

I heard a lot about the Nintendo Wii being sort of sluggish in the Hardware department compared to the other next-gen consoles but imagine my surprise when I booted up my first review copy of Super Mario Bros for the first time. I was in shock to say the least. The game looks like something that could have run on the 58 year old NES. Graphics like that are just not realistic enough in the modern world and I can see why the Wii catches so much flack now. I can't really feel like I'm there actually jumping on top of a living mushroom with eyes and vampire teeth if it isn't HD and there isn't at least one or two polygons.

The clouds had smiley faces on them and the main character got powers from touching mushrooms and flowers. I mean that's just never happened to me in real life before and I think I would be uncomfortable if I had to show this game to all the women I bring over to my house to have sex with. Which brings me to my second criticism of the game. There was no gun in it. I played through the whole campaign seven times I think and I hit every block I'm sure of it, but no gun. There must be a gun in there somewhere though so I really have to fault the designers for not making the gun easier to find.

The gun might have been easier to find if there were more tutorials though. I found that I was having a lot of problems knowing where to go. I went right and then when I tried to go back to the left again it wouldn't let me and it didn't tell me what button to push when I wanted to go back. An arrow or a tutorial character would have helped. One button made the character jump and the other button had no use as far as I could tell. A good opportunity was really lost I feel by not taking advantage of that second button. Maybe the second button could have been utilised to allow the player to skip over all the hard parts. I was having some real difficulties with certain sections of the game. It got so difficult at points that I threw my controller at the ground and sort of cried a little. A skip button would have solved this problem. I think that a game that's too challenging really deflates the player's self esteem and it's a widely known fact that women don't have sex with unmanly men. A button that skipped over challenges would allow the player to feel like a bad ass and make the sex a little easier to transition into.

All in all, those are really my three biggest criticisms of an otherwise decent game. If a sequel is made it would really benefit from more polygons for more realistic graphics and a gun that's a lot easier to find, add tutorials and a skip button. I suggest calling the game Super Mario Gun 2 so intelligent discriminating consumers know what they're getting instead of Super Mario Bros which did not have one bro in it as far as I could tell. Cheers!

P.S. There were no ads in the game so I wasn't sure what to buy when I wasn't playing it. That's not exactly a game mechanic criticism but I just thought it would be useful to warn you.


Fire and Earth

A man can claim it worthy of scorn and ridicule to believe that an all-powerful, all-wise God created man, woman, and every other living creature from the virgin earth; but then without a hint of irony, he can go on to say that what is more worthy of belief is that a lightning bolt in fact created all life on earth and it did it by forcing itself upon a dirty mud puddle.  One wonders if he would be so confident about the loving, friendly and creative nature of electricity if he were asked to engage it in close intimate friendship.  Or even the fertility of mud puddles for that matter.
In commemoration of that fantastical day I have drawn up a scientifically inclined recreation of what I imagined happened just at the moment before fire met earth for the first time. 


Fire Mario

So I just read the book Super Mario by Jeff Ryan and something that stuck with me is his description of the callousness of one of the very higher ups at Nintendo in the early days even before Donkey Kong was created.  He said that the man took his daughter to Geisha clubs.  It gave me a new sinister view of Nintendo and this idea of devil Mario had been floating around in my head before then so I decided to draw it up.  The book was very interesting too.