Knight244

The hypocrisy here makes me want to cry when there's a quicklook up for a game called Lollipop Chainsaw and an ad for Tomb Raider on this very page with an image of a women who looks like she's been beaten. At what level of blindness are you operating? In fact one could make a good argument that the caricatures of women that video games are filled with is far more backwards then the booth babes themselves. Booth babes are actual women but Lara Croft for example has always been a warped cartoon character and now her new "realistic" make over appears to be in the service of men who like to see women get hurt really badly. In short I'm pretty sure the entire world has come off the rails.

Haha, you guys are brutal. Lighten up you sullen black holes.

@Drebin_893: Does someone with a Bob Dylan avatar really have anything to say about high horses? That guy is like the supreme high horse douche bag.

@SeriouslyNow: I'm done with replying.

But anyway, I visited Gamespot and it's horrible so I've decided to hijack Giantbomb and make it better so here's my first review of a videogame.

http://www.giantbomb.com/profile/knight244/blog/

I don't know the best way to link to my blog so I did it this way. Sorry and BAZINGAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard a lot about the Nintendo Wii being sort of sluggish in the Hardware department compared to the other next-gen consoles but imagine my surprise when I booted up my first review copy of Super Mario Bros for the first time. I was in shock to say the least. The game looks like something that could have run on the 58 year old NES. Graphics like that are just not realistic enough in the modern world and I can see why the Wii catches so much flack now. I can't really feel like I'm there actually jumping on top of a living mushroom with eyes and vampire teeth if it isn't HD and there isn't at least one or two polygons.

The clouds had smiley faces on them and the main character got powers from touching mushrooms and flowers. I mean that's just never happened to me in real life before and I think I would be uncomfortable if I had to show this game to all the women I bring over to my house to have sex with. Which brings me to my second criticism of the game. There was no gun in it. I played through the whole campaign seven times I think and I hit every block I'm sure of it, but no gun. There must be a gun in there somewhere though so I really have to fault the designers for not making the gun easier to find.

The gun might have been easier to find if there were more tutorials though. I found that I was having a lot of problems knowing where to go. I went right and then when I tried to go back to the left again it wouldn't let me and it didn't tell me what button to push when I wanted to go back. An arrow or a tutorial character would have helped. One button made the character jump and the other button had no use as far as I could tell. A good opportunity was really lost I feel by not taking advantage of that second button. Maybe the second button could have been utilised to allow the player to skip over all the hard parts. I was having some real difficulties with certain sections of the game. It got so difficult at points that I threw my controller at the ground and sort of cried a little. A skip button would have solved this problem. I think that a game that's too challenging really deflates the player's self esteem and it's a widely known fact that women don't have sex with unmanly men. A button that skipped over challenges would allow the player to feel like a bad ass and make the sex a little easier to transition into.

All in all, those are really my three biggest criticisms of an otherwise decent game. If a sequel is made it would really benefit from more polygons for more realistic graphics and a gun that's a lot easier to find, add tutorials and a skip button. I suggest calling the game Super Mario Gun 2 so intelligent discriminating consumers know what they're getting instead of Super Mario Bros which did not have one bro in it as far as I could tell. Cheers!

P.S. There were no ads in the game so I wasn't sure what to buy when I wasn't playing it. That's not exactly a game mechanic criticism but I just thought it would be useful to warn you.

@SeriouslyNow:

@SeriouslyNow said:

@Wandrecanada:

Well said. CBS is a machine designed to extract as much money as possible from those who enter into an intellectual relationship with it. It's a disgusting filthy thing by its very nature. Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory. It hurts just to have to utter their empty dead names to illustrate a point: CBS makes this stuff and offers no apologies for it. In fact they crown themselves with laurels for spreading insanities like this.

"Had I but died an hour before this chance, I had lived a blessed time; for, from this instant, There 's nothing serious in mortality: All is but toys: renown and grace is dead; The wine of life is drawn, and the mere lees Is left this vault to brag of."

If you eat any kind of fast food or enjoy any kind of consumer driven experience or product you're a fucking hypocrite. Oh and Shakespeare was the CBS of his day. Social Commentary mixed with extremely baudy humour with localised context and a strong sense of current trends crafted to appeal to the broadest of audiences. Every performance was modified to match its surroundings and was laced with local flavour in terms of news and name drops. It's why something like Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet is more 'authentic' than Branagh's Twelfth Night. I hate people like you and I don't often hate anyone, but people like you know nothing and yet feel like they are above everything. You're the very definition of a philistine.

There is a world of difference between eating a corporate hamburger, which I won't lie I do enjoy on occasion, and sitting down in front of corporate TV and have it pretend to entertain while it in truth constantly condescends, insults, mocks and sells things while it pretends not to be a salesman. Fast Food is gone and forgotten about almost instantly but Corporation Enertainavision is a constant punch in the face for every second devoted to it. It's disgusting and it has had a good run at ruining the entire world. If you think Shakespeare was the CBS of his day you are not being honest with yourself. How many advertisements for Pizza Hut do you think Shakespeare included in the performance of his plays? Which Shakespeare Character had that nutty catchphrase BAZINGA that everyone just loves so much? Besides, I just threw that line from MacBeth in there because I had been reading it and it had been swimming around in my head for days. This change is not something I was entirely surprised at discovering. Video games are themselves becoming increasingly corporate and useless so it only makes sense that Giantbomb become more corporate too. Hate me? You don't know me in the least so you should probably calm down.

@Wandrecanada said:

It's not that I don't trust the Giant Bomb crew but this deal isn't about giving control to them; It's about selling control from Whiskey to CBS. I trusted Whiskey to be up front with it's userbase and put them first as it relied almost entirely on the community. CBS is a company with real trading shareholders that expect a certain level of growth at all times and who's revenue depends on advertisers more than a community. In other words we the community is what's being sold by CBS to advertisers. I don't trust CBS to do what's right by me because I'm just a product.

@Wandrecanada:

Well said. CBS is a machine designed to extract as much money as possible from those who enter into an intellectual relationship with it. It's a disgusting filthy thing by its very nature. Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory. It hurts just to have to utter their empty dead names to illustrate a point: CBS makes this stuff and offers no apologies for it. In fact they crown themselves with laurels for spreading insanities like this.

"Had I but died an hour before this chance, I had lived a blessed time; for, from this instant, There 's nothing serious in mortality: All is but toys: renown and grace is dead; The wine of life is drawn, and the mere lees Is left this vault to brag of."

A man can claim it worthy of scorn and ridicule to believe that an all-powerful, all-wise God created man, woman, and every other living creature from the virgin earth; but then without a hint of irony, he can go on to say that what is more worthy of belief is that a lightning bolt in fact created all life on earth and it did it by forcing itself upon a dirty mud puddle.  One wonders if he would be so confident about the loving, friendly and creative nature of electricity if he were asked to engage it in close intimate friendship.  Or even the fertility of mud puddles for that matter.
 
In commemoration of that fantastical day I have drawn up a scientifically inclined recreation of what I imagined happened just at the moment before fire met earth for the first time. 
 

@Knight244: My post was a quote from the movie, American Psycho. I used that quote because of the deviantart info overlain on the image.

I edited it.  Please don't lock me up.