Let's talk about Fiery Cola

So I went to the local Tescos

 
Tescos, in case you're not from the UK, is basically like our Best Buy. Thinking about it, it really isn't important which store i'm in in this story, so i'm going to stop talking about Tescos. So I was in Tescos the other day, shopping my usually shop of sandwich fillings and DVDs which I probably won't watch twice, when I trekked down into the Cola aisle. The cola aisle has always been something quite terrifying to me; I'm extremely paranoid about daily sugar intake and that kind of thing, yet I always find myself buying things that, according to the bottle, are 30% of my guideline daily amount per glass. Like Chandler in that one episode of Friends when he's addicted to 
Cappucino, I find myself enticed by the flavours of full-sugar cola.  

 
 Ironically, the actor Matthew Perry was addicted to various drugs during filming of Friends. Also I added glasses to the picture so he resembles me more because hey this is my story butt out Chandler jesus

But today was different. See, usually I shop on a Sunday because i'm not in school or recovering from school on Sundays, and from what i've deduced, this is the day before my local Tesco restocks it's items. Doesn't hurt me much because apparently the things I eat other people don't eat enough for it to be sold out at any point. However, I felt a little ill on Sunday so took a raincheck to do the shopping on Monday, which then happened to be when my illness reached it's peak. I decided to take the day off school, and in a dizzy haze I also decided to go shopping that very Monday morning! I don't know what came over me; i'm an incredibly lazy person you see, which you might be able to tell by the fact i'm writing this incredibly long-winded Blog which is also my first Blog and actually the original idea was that this was a Hello World post but I decided to be more original but yeah. So there I was, sick as a funny simile, doing some weekly shopping. Then I arrived at the Cola aisle. This is where the start of this post becomes the present like in Pulp Fiction (my favourite movie). The cola aisle was restocked today, and it was remarkable how many more drinks were being sold than usual. I wondered down the aisle, looking at all the exotic drinks an- I STOPPED. Amidst the relatively intriguing rare brands of cola, I saw something which in all my days I don't think I'll ever forget. There looking me in the eye as it bubbled away near the back of the aisle, was a truly terrifying concoction.
 
Fiery Cola.
 
 Imagine this except it has Fiery written above the Cola part. Also I drew an angry face on it because it's the villain of this story and I wanted to make that clear.
 
Some of you may be wondering, "LackingSaint ya big dunce, whatsa deal with Fiery Cola, eh?" Well, i'll tell you in a minute. So I bought the Fiery Cola, so filled with intrigue I even looked past the 40% guideline daily amount of sugar per glass sign written on it. And so as I got home, I popped open a glass of it. Sickness and paranoia would not stop me from knowing what lie inside this cheap bottle of secrets. I drank. 
 
So, wanna know what Fiery Cola does?

 It's so messed up even Chandler is flipping the fuck out.
 
It tastes like cheap cola, then, after words, it BURNS YOUR MOUTH. Like when you eat a pepper. THIS IS A COLA THAT BECOMES SPICY AS YOU DRINK IT.  To this day I am terrified of the long-term effects this terrible chemical mix may have on my body. Like, how does it even work? Does it activate the spice chemical when it touches saliva? I don't even know. And that's not even the worst part of it. Moreso the fact that I only found out about it BECAUSE TESCOS JUST RESTOCKED. MEANING THIS DRINK IS USUALLY SOLD OUT BY SUNDAY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.
 
 
 
This has been LackingSaint, hoping you had a pleasant read.
 
(Also this is my first blog so please feel free to tell me how I did.)
12 Comments
13 Comments
Posted by LackingSaint

So I went to the local Tescos

 
Tescos, in case you're not from the UK, is basically like our Best Buy. Thinking about it, it really isn't important which store i'm in in this story, so i'm going to stop talking about Tescos. So I was in Tescos the other day, shopping my usually shop of sandwich fillings and DVDs which I probably won't watch twice, when I trekked down into the Cola aisle. The cola aisle has always been something quite terrifying to me; I'm extremely paranoid about daily sugar intake and that kind of thing, yet I always find myself buying things that, according to the bottle, are 30% of my guideline daily amount per glass. Like Chandler in that one episode of Friends when he's addicted to 
Cappucino, I find myself enticed by the flavours of full-sugar cola.  

 
 Ironically, the actor Matthew Perry was addicted to various drugs during filming of Friends. Also I added glasses to the picture so he resembles me more because hey this is my story butt out Chandler jesus

But today was different. See, usually I shop on a Sunday because i'm not in school or recovering from school on Sundays, and from what i've deduced, this is the day before my local Tesco restocks it's items. Doesn't hurt me much because apparently the things I eat other people don't eat enough for it to be sold out at any point. However, I felt a little ill on Sunday so took a raincheck to do the shopping on Monday, which then happened to be when my illness reached it's peak. I decided to take the day off school, and in a dizzy haze I also decided to go shopping that very Monday morning! I don't know what came over me; i'm an incredibly lazy person you see, which you might be able to tell by the fact i'm writing this incredibly long-winded Blog which is also my first Blog and actually the original idea was that this was a Hello World post but I decided to be more original but yeah. So there I was, sick as a funny simile, doing some weekly shopping. Then I arrived at the Cola aisle. This is where the start of this post becomes the present like in Pulp Fiction (my favourite movie). The cola aisle was restocked today, and it was remarkable how many more drinks were being sold than usual. I wondered down the aisle, looking at all the exotic drinks an- I STOPPED. Amidst the relatively intriguing rare brands of cola, I saw something which in all my days I don't think I'll ever forget. There looking me in the eye as it bubbled away near the back of the aisle, was a truly terrifying concoction.
 
Fiery Cola.
 
 Imagine this except it has Fiery written above the Cola part. Also I drew an angry face on it because it's the villain of this story and I wanted to make that clear.
 
Some of you may be wondering, "LackingSaint ya big dunce, whatsa deal with Fiery Cola, eh?" Well, i'll tell you in a minute. So I bought the Fiery Cola, so filled with intrigue I even looked past the 40% guideline daily amount of sugar per glass sign written on it. And so as I got home, I popped open a glass of it. Sickness and paranoia would not stop me from knowing what lie inside this cheap bottle of secrets. I drank. 
 
So, wanna know what Fiery Cola does?

 It's so messed up even Chandler is flipping the fuck out.
 
It tastes like cheap cola, then, after words, it BURNS YOUR MOUTH. Like when you eat a pepper. THIS IS A COLA THAT BECOMES SPICY AS YOU DRINK IT.  To this day I am terrified of the long-term effects this terrible chemical mix may have on my body. Like, how does it even work? Does it activate the spice chemical when it touches saliva? I don't even know. And that's not even the worst part of it. Moreso the fact that I only found out about it BECAUSE TESCOS JUST RESTOCKED. MEANING THIS DRINK IS USUALLY SOLD OUT BY SUNDAY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.
 
 
 
This has been LackingSaint, hoping you had a pleasant read.
 
(Also this is my first blog so please feel free to tell me how I did.)
Posted by kmdrkul

Good read.  I'd love to try some... I remember trying a weird soda here that was tasted spicy, and made your urine blue.  Although it wasn't as spicy as you described yours...
 
Also I think you are confusing our Best Buys with our Walmarts.  Best Buy doesn't sell food.  But I was unsure as to who the villain in this story was and your illustration cleared that up for me.  Thanks!

Posted by Organicalistic_
@LackingSaint: woah duder long story, makes me sleepy, nice job though.
Posted by LackingSaint

Thank you, sirs.

Posted by FLStyle

Posted by LackingSaint
@FLStyle said:
"
"
Then why did you comment on a Blog?
Posted by FLStyle
@LackingSaint:  The rules clearly state that if you add a blog to a forum then it becomes a thread in said forum. So overly long posts can have overly long pictures applied to them just like any other.
Posted by LackingSaint

3 paragraphs seems like an okay length to me, I dunno.

Posted by WitchHunter_Z
@LackingSaint said:
" 3 paragraphs seems like an okay length to me, I dunno. "
I wouldn't worry about it too much, some people just have no patience.
 
Anyway, entertaining read dude. I haven't seen firey cola before but next time I'm near a Tescos I'll have to look for it, I'm always looking for stuff to make my TNT cocktails burn even more.
Posted by BeachThunder
 
A good read and quite amusing; but unfortunately, it ends a bit abruptly without giving much insight into the situation. Also, consider spacing out the text a bit more, you might get fewer tl;dr macros that way. The face on the bottle is not that easy to see at first glance, especially the eyebrows.
 
Anyway, it's definitely a good start.
Posted by LackingSaint

Thanks for the feedback!

Posted by FLStyle
@LackingSaint said:
" 3 paragraphs seems like an okay length to me, I dunno. "
The length is fine, but I was expecting to read about this fiery cola of yours. I got to "Well I'll tell you in a minute." And I was done. Incidentally I've gone back and given it another read for the sake of it, it does sound as disgusting as you say and I won't be going near it.
Posted by ahoodedfigure

I'm pretty sure people bought the cola like you did, out of curiosity.  If they go back, it's because of lack of stimulation.  Poor guys.  
 
Yet where I live we have a lot of spicy foods, moreso than the rest of the country I think, which suggests we need stimulation up here as well.