By Mayu_Zane 39 Comments
After reading the news about a Mass Effect movie being in the works, I wondered "Now how would they completely mess it up and turn it into an unwatchable garbage of a movie?"
Sure, they could do something many others have done before when it came to videogame-based movies: Ignore most if not all of the original storyline and just write their own tale, but I have some ideas of my own on how to make it terrible.
1. Make Commander Shepard a Paragon/Renegade who constantly flip-flops between the two.
Movie Shepard is neither Paragon nor Renegade, but in fact a very unpredictable person who acts polite and considerate in one minute and then arrogant and aggressive in the next for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that he has a mental disorder.
Imagine this scene:
Shepard: "Nobody has to die, just put the gun down and let's think for a minute here. What will happen if you do kill the governor?"
Some Dude (SD): "My people will be free!"
Shepard: "No, your people would be in even more danger. The governor's just a small player, and if he dies you'd provoke a fleet you can't possibly win against."
SD: "I... I guess you're right, but what should we do?"
Shepard: "Let me have a chat with the governor for a second. Governor?"
*Shepard shoots the governor dead.
SD: "What the hell?!"
Shepard: "The governor's dead, you should have no trouble from now on."
SD and the audience: "Huh? What? But what about the fleet-"
*Shepard shoots SD in the leg*
Shepard: "I'm going to find some medi-gel and save you! Don't move!"
*Shepard finds medi-gel and heals a confused SD, then walks away.
2. Gilbert Gottfried as Wrex.
Yes, the man who voiced that parrot from Aladdin. Just think of that voice saying "I've got a bad feeling about this Shepard." Imagine the confrontation on Virmire with Gilbert's voice.
Actually, putting Gilbert in any major role would pretty much kill the movie. Man, imagine Saren with that voice.
3. Make Garrus a goofy, clumsy sidekick who can't be trusted with a gun.
For 'comedic' effect, have him fall down every time he pulls a trigger.
4. Put Snoop Dogg in the role of Captain Anderson.
5. Male asari.
6. Make the movie three hours long, with two of those hours spent with a teenaged Commander Shepard
The first two hours is all about him trying to get into the Alliance. In the final hour, rush every single event between the attack on Eden Prime and the attack on the Citadel with as little dialogue and as many explosions as possible.
7. Tali Zorah wears a giant fishbowl helmet throughout the entire course of the movie.
She only speaks with 'glub glub'.
Of course, my ideas may actually sound great to some folks on planet Earth somewhere, though whoever those people are, I hope they won't have anything to do with the Mass Effect movie.
Share with me, fellow fans: What would make the movie terrible for you?