How to ruin the Mass Effect movie

 After reading the news about a Mass Effect movie being in the works,  I wondered "Now how would they completely mess it up and turn it into an unwatchable garbage of a movie?"

Sure, they could do something many others have done before when it came to videogame-based movies: Ignore most if not all of the original storyline and just write their own tale, but I have some ideas of my own on how to make it terrible.

1. Make Commander Shepard a Paragon/Renegade who constantly flip-flops between the two.

Movie Shepard is neither Paragon nor Renegade, but in fact a very unpredictable person who acts polite and considerate in one minute and then arrogant and aggressive in the next for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that he has a mental disorder.

Imagine this scene:

Shepard: "Nobody has to die, just put the gun down and let's think for a minute here. What will happen if you do kill the governor?"

Some Dude (SD): "My people will be free!"

Shepard: "No, your people would be in even more danger. The governor's just a small player, and if he dies you'd provoke a fleet you can't possibly win against."

SD: "I... I guess you're right, but what should we do?"

Shepard: "Let me have a chat with the governor for a second. Governor?"

Governor: "Yes?"

*Shepard shoots the governor dead.

SD: "What the hell?!"

Shepard: "The governor's dead, you should have no trouble from now on."

SD and the audience: "Huh? What? But what about the fleet-"

*Shepard shoots SD in the leg*

Shepard: "I'm going to find some medi-gel and save you! Don't move!"

*Shepard finds medi-gel and heals a confused SD, then walks away.

2. Gilbert Gottfried as Wrex.

Yes, the man who voiced that parrot from Aladdin. Just think of that voice saying "I've got a bad feeling about this Shepard." Imagine the confrontation on Virmire with Gilbert's voice.

Actually, putting Gilbert in any major role would pretty much kill the movie. Man, imagine Saren with that voice.

3. Make Garrus a goofy, clumsy sidekick who can't be trusted with a gun. 
For 'comedic' effect, have him fall down every time he pulls a trigger.

4. Put Snoop Dogg in the role of Captain Anderson.

5. Male asari.

6. Make the movie three hours long, with two of those hours spent with a teenaged Commander Shepard
 
The first two hours is all about him trying to get into the Alliance. In the final hour, rush every single event between the attack on Eden Prime and the attack on the Citadel with as little dialogue and as many explosions as possible.

7. Tali Zorah wears a giant fishbowl helmet throughout the entire course of the movie. 
She only speaks with 'glub glub'.

Of course, my ideas may actually sound great to some folks on planet Earth somewhere, though whoever those people are, I hope they won't have anything to do with the Mass Effect movie.

Share with me, fellow fans: What would make the movie terrible for you?

39 Comments
40 Comments
Posted by Mayu_Zane

 After reading the news about a Mass Effect movie being in the works,  I wondered "Now how would they completely mess it up and turn it into an unwatchable garbage of a movie?"

Sure, they could do something many others have done before when it came to videogame-based movies: Ignore most if not all of the original storyline and just write their own tale, but I have some ideas of my own on how to make it terrible.

1. Make Commander Shepard a Paragon/Renegade who constantly flip-flops between the two.

Movie Shepard is neither Paragon nor Renegade, but in fact a very unpredictable person who acts polite and considerate in one minute and then arrogant and aggressive in the next for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that he has a mental disorder.

Imagine this scene:

Shepard: "Nobody has to die, just put the gun down and let's think for a minute here. What will happen if you do kill the governor?"

Some Dude (SD): "My people will be free!"

Shepard: "No, your people would be in even more danger. The governor's just a small player, and if he dies you'd provoke a fleet you can't possibly win against."

SD: "I... I guess you're right, but what should we do?"

Shepard: "Let me have a chat with the governor for a second. Governor?"

Governor: "Yes?"

*Shepard shoots the governor dead.

SD: "What the hell?!"

Shepard: "The governor's dead, you should have no trouble from now on."

SD and the audience: "Huh? What? But what about the fleet-"

*Shepard shoots SD in the leg*

Shepard: "I'm going to find some medi-gel and save you! Don't move!"

*Shepard finds medi-gel and heals a confused SD, then walks away.

2. Gilbert Gottfried as Wrex.

Yes, the man who voiced that parrot from Aladdin. Just think of that voice saying "I've got a bad feeling about this Shepard." Imagine the confrontation on Virmire with Gilbert's voice.

Actually, putting Gilbert in any major role would pretty much kill the movie. Man, imagine Saren with that voice.

3. Make Garrus a goofy, clumsy sidekick who can't be trusted with a gun. 
For 'comedic' effect, have him fall down every time he pulls a trigger.

4. Put Snoop Dogg in the role of Captain Anderson.

5. Male asari.

6. Make the movie three hours long, with two of those hours spent with a teenaged Commander Shepard
 
The first two hours is all about him trying to get into the Alliance. In the final hour, rush every single event between the attack on Eden Prime and the attack on the Citadel with as little dialogue and as many explosions as possible.

7. Tali Zorah wears a giant fishbowl helmet throughout the entire course of the movie. 
She only speaks with 'glub glub'.

Of course, my ideas may actually sound great to some folks on planet Earth somewhere, though whoever those people are, I hope they won't have anything to do with the Mass Effect movie.

Share with me, fellow fans: What would make the movie terrible for you?

Posted by Geno

Well one of the things that bad video game movies have in common: the main characters look and act nothing like in the game. #1 and #4 I guess. This is a distinct possibility.   
 

=/= 


Posted by Buccura

Watch the Wing Commander movie. Basically that.

Posted by selbie

Commander Shepard =/= Jack Shephard. If they hire Matthew Fox I will never buy a Bioware game again.

Posted by Ryax

how to ruin a mass effect movie? making mass effect into a movie.

Posted by Icemael
@Ryax said:
" how to ruin a mass effect movie? making mass effect into a movie. "
This. The reason people love Mass Effect's story isn't that it's a good story, but that it's interactive. Once you take the interactivity away, it's just mediocre, clichéd sci-fi drivel.
Posted by SmithSyndicate
@Icemael said:
" @Ryax said:
" how to ruin a mass effect movie? making mass effect into a movie. "
This. The reason people love Mass Effect's story isn't that it's a good story, but that it's interactive. Once you take the interactivity away, it's just mediocre, clichéd sci-fi drivel. "
That's not true at all.  The lore is so deep, authentic and fleshed out that I've even read both the books.  And, if you didn't know, they weren't choose-your-adventure.
Posted by masterherocard

 
The same way we ruin every movie pinky-try to put in annoying comedic relief characters!

Posted by Ryax
@SmithSyndicate said:
" @Icemael said:
" @Ryax said:
" how to ruin a mass effect movie? making mass effect into a movie. "
This. The reason people love Mass Effect's story isn't that it's a good story, but that it's interactive. Once you take the interactivity away, it's just mediocre, clichéd sci-fi drivel. "
That's not true at all.  The lore is so deep, authentic and fleshed out that I've even read both the books.  And, if you didn't know, they weren't choose-your-adventure. "
congrats. still gonna be a shitty movie
Posted by NakAttack
@Ryax said:
" @SmithSyndicate said:
" @Icemael said:
" @Ryax said:
" how to ruin a mass effect movie? making mass effect into a movie. "
This. The reason people love Mass Effect's story isn't that it's a good story, but that it's interactive. Once you take the interactivity away, it's just mediocre, clichéd sci-fi drivel. "
That's not true at all.  The lore is so deep, authentic and fleshed out that I've even read both the books.  And, if you didn't know, they weren't choose-your-adventure. "
congrats. still gonna be a shitty movie "
qft
Posted by JoelTGM

Well how much money are they putting into it?  If they took a good story, and mixed it with the Mass Effect universe, it could be good.  Something tells me that the story will be mediocre though.

Posted by kashif1
@Geno: actually he looks alot like the prince in costume
Posted by Death_Unicorn

I think by just making the main character Shepard they would ruin it, or at least ruin my interest.

Posted by CL60
@kashif1 said:
" @Geno: actually he looks alot like the prince in costume "
Indeed he does. I don't see why people are saying he looks nothing like the character. I think he looks a lot like the prince.
Posted by natural_deadhead

If they make it about shepard then it will ruin the game for me.
Posted by h83r

Can't say much about ruining the Mass Effect movie, but in my opinion the only way they can make a Mass Effect movie is by making like 10 versions of it all with completely different Shepards[both male and female], and each version of Shepard makes a different decision for any and every choice in the movie. And the theater can't tell you what version of the movie you're about to watch. That way, it's a surprising experience each time you watch the movie! 
 
Also, at least one version needs to have Nolan North as Shepard.

Edited by ryanwho

I agree if its a 3 hour long bore it'll be no good. You can cover ME in a buck and a half. Before anyone insists otherwise, consider how much extraneous info exists for, say, Star Wars, and how much you needed to know to enjoy the first movie. You didn't need to know shit going in and its 2 hours almost on the dot. The necessary plotpoints can be covered under 2 hours, easily. Hopefully the director comes in from the outside so he can make a good movie instead of an "accurate" (shitty) one.

Posted by BibleDoctor

The perfect way to ruin the Mass Effect movie is to make it.

Posted by Ryax
@BibleDoctor said:
" The perfect way to ruin the Mass Effect movie is to make it. "
already said
Posted by FixerofDeath
@Icemael said:
" @Ryax said:
" how to ruin a mass effect movie? making mass effect into a movie. "
This. The reason people love Mass Effect's story isn't that it's a good story, but that it's interactive. Once you take the interactivity away, it's just mediocre, clichéd sci-fi drivel. "

Do you really think this? I think the Mass Effect story is one of the franchise's best qualities.
Posted by buckybit

I would humbly suggest this idea: the Mass Effect movie is not for the people who played Mass Effect - the video game. We already have had our "movie" - we played it?!
 
Hollywood financing works like this: have predictable audiences, produce as cheap as possible, attach some 'known actor' to the project, ... - the characters are already 'made', the story/universe is 'finished' ... that's to some degree easy money. That's also the reason why Comic/Superhero movies are made by the dozen. 
 
If you're smart, wait for Mass Effect 3 ... and forget about this movie entirely?

Posted by CaptSuavity
@natural_deadhead said:
" If they make it about shepard then it will ruin the game for me. "
I can not agree more. Shepard to me is the character that made the decisions I made in-game, not what a director or producer thinks Shepard is. Bioware has crafted a big enough universe/lore that they could make a movie not involving Shepard at all.
Posted by Lukaz
@CaptSuavity said:
" @natural_deadhead said:
" If they make it about shepard then it will ruin the game for me. "
I can not agree more. Shepard to me is the character that made the decisions I made in-game, not what a director or producer thinks Shepard is. Bioware has crafted a big enough universe/lore that they could make a movie not involving Shepard at all. "
This. Anyways, since Bioware did create such a deep lore, it shouldn't be too difficult for them to make an interesting story about something other than Shepard. I was thinking something along the lines of an Asari being able to mind meld with the dead. This may explain the Protheans some more and potentially reveal other precautions and retorts that they took in the Reaper invasion.
Posted by HistoryInRust

I think the part where they make the movie is the part where they fuck it up. 

Posted by HistoryInRust
@Ryax said:
" @BibleDoctor said:
" The perfect way to ruin the Mass Effect movie is to make it. "
already said "
GODDAMNIT.  
 
I hate it when people use my ideas before I think of them. 
Posted by Organicalistic_
@Sir_Ragnarok said:
" @Ryax said:
" @BibleDoctor said:
" The perfect way to ruin the Mass Effect movie is to make it. "
already said "
GODDAMNIT.   I hate it when people use my ideas before I think of them.  "
oooh, as it was loading someone took my thoughts, I LOVE YOU RYAX, WILL U MARRY ME AND CONVERT TO THE RELIGION OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER?????
Posted by TheHT
@CaptSuavity said:
" @natural_deadhead said:
" If they make it about shepard then it will ruin the game for me. "
I can not agree more. Shepard to me is the character that made the decisions I made in-game, not what a director or producer thinks Shepard is. Bioware has crafted a big enough universe/lore that they could make a movie not involving Shepard at all. "
If it was about Shepard though, it would just ruin the movie not the game.
Posted by Lunar_Aura

You all think following your suggestions is shit but you all forgot the shit cherry on top. 
 
3-D!!!!!!!
Edited by mazik765
@Mayu_Zane said:

2. Gilbert Gottfried as Wrex.

Yes, the man who voiced that parrot from Aladdin. Just think of that voice saying "I've got a bad feeling about this Shepard." Imagine the confrontation on Virmire with Gilbert's voice.

Are you kidding? I'm not seeing this movie unless this is true!
 
@LunarAura said:
"
You all think following your suggestions is shit but you all forgot the shit cherry on top. 
 
3-D!!!!!!! "
And this. I have yet to see a movie I enjoyed more in 3D.
Posted by SilverBulletKY
@Geno:   Looks very similar to me.
Posted by TEHMAXXORZ

Snoop Dogg as Captain Anderson... GENIUS! You should be a developer for BioWare, help them make make Mass Effect 3 the correct way....

Posted by InfamousBIG
@organicalistic_ said:
" @Sir_Ragnarok said:
" @Ryax said:
" @BibleDoctor said:
" The perfect way to ruin the Mass Effect movie is to make it. "
already said "
GODDAMNIT.   I hate it when people use my ideas before I think of them.  "
oooh, as it was loading someone took my thoughts, I LOVE YOU RYAX, WILL U MARRY ME AND CONVERT TO THE RELIGION OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER????? "
The best way to ruin the movie is to make it. 
 
What?  Someone already said that?
Edited by onarum

yep, I see that the truth is already out :p, exactly what I was going to say, any video game movie is already doomed from the get go, it is sure to suck.
 
Whana ruin it? just make it.
 
I think that's mainly because this is usually a decision made by suits, then they assign some director, who of course hasn't got a effin clue about gaming at all, and well, the results are always the same.
 
edit : and of course there's always mr.Uwe Boll

Posted by LackingSaint

The perfect way to ruin a mass effect movie is to make it.

Posted by Dtat
@Ryax said:
"how to ruin a mass effect movie? making mass effect into a movie. "

BOOM! This man speaks the truth.
Posted by SmasheControllers

I think If they make a movie, they shouldn't make it about Shepard. Make a whole new film trilogy, new characters, new location and only reference the games. Mass Effect is a Universe, the books and comics have been good about this cause they weren't the game lore, they only reference.

Posted by velucyraptor
@LackingSaint said:
" The perfect way to ruin a mass effect movie is to make it. "
Every time I hear game-movie rumours, I think of what Max Payne could have been and fly into a rage.
Posted by tourgen
@Death_Unicorn said:
" I think by just making the main character Shepard they would ruin it, or at least ruin my interest. "
Yes.  I don't think they can tell the same story that's in ME1-ME3 trilogy either.  They need to Go for another piece like maybe first contact and the war with the Turians or the creation of the Geth and the migrant fleet.  Hmm although I guess that would basically be Battle Star Galatica.
Posted by Coombs

Q: How to ruin the Mass Effect movie?
 
A: Make it.

Posted by Joeybagad0nutz

Every character who isn't Human needs to have the voice actors from the game to come to the movie. If they don't? I don't think I could sit through this movie.