This is all fucked. About two weeks ago I was sitting in a chapel saying my farewells to my grandmother that passed away early June. It was surreal as it had been a long time since anyone in my family had died. On top of that, I don't deal well with death and the emotion it brings out of people. Seeing my dad barely able to walk up to the casket due to being so upset was a horrifying sight. My sadness was apparently barely noticeable, because I can't let go of my self-control. My dad noticed it, but I told him that I simply can't "let go" of emotions in public. I wish I could. That's part of what makes it so difficult. I want to be able to deal with death and offer my support to those around me, but all they get is a face that tries too hard to look understanding but don't show a sign of being equally affected by the event.

Came home last night after the gym and was reading twitter while eating. I noticed a bunch of tweets about Ryan but it was never clear what it was about at first. Some searching later and visiting the site and all was revealed. I was shocked. Part of me could barely process it. Seemed at glance on twitter first like a collective joke, but once reading the actual news, those tweets just drastically altered in meaning. And the world as I knew it drastically changed once more.

It's a strange thing when people you don't personally know, really, pass away. You feel the loss just any other due to their impact and presence in your life. In some way, Ryan passing felt worse than my grandmother. Because he was present in some capacity in my daily routine much more than my grandmother was in my adult life. Or at least, I believe that's why. He entertained and inspired me time and time again.

The one time I wrote to him on twitter, I actually got a response, and a pretty quick one at that. I remember it making my day that day. It was such a small thing when you think about it. Perhaps it's in some ways a silly thing for a grown man to be thrilled that another grown man acknowledge a dumb tweet, but I always saw that as Ryan being just a really nice, down to earth and approachable person. Whether he fit those criteria in real life or not, I could never say. I never got a chance to meet him in person. For one, not living in the US and/or attending Pax or other events. And secondly, not entirely sure I would have the balls to go up to any of the staff anyway if I did. I'm not socially brave like that. Especially regarding people I admire.

During the funeral of my grandmother, the priest said that my grandmother's journey was done. And the funeral was in a way for us to deal with our loss. Writing out my thoughts like this, however relevant to anyone else they may or may not be, is my way of celebrating Ryan and my connection to his work. A way to get my thoughts out there that in my day-to-day life really has no place to go. Ryan, I'll miss you and your presence in my life, you were a one of a kind individual. May you rest in peace.

I posted this on Giant Bomb's facebook post, but I'll end this blog with a quote from one of my favorite books;

"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

My condolences goes out to his wife, family, friends and all of the Giant Bomb staff.