Too many arguments are made where there is no clear verdict. Time after time people will brush each other's rebuttals off as "just opinion". I'm going to say this up front, this blog is not an opinion, it is cold, hard, fact. You cannot argue with anything I say, because it is the truth. Sure your natural human instincts may drive you to fight off the following article by denying the truth of it, but that's all that it is, denial. It's one of the five stages of grief and I will accept it as such, knowing that you will also reach acceptance at the end of the long, dark road ahead of you. Now that that's all out of the way, it's time to begin my completely fact-based blog which will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Eternal Sonata is, in fact, a cancer to what we call "video gaming"

The Characters

The characters of Eternal Sonata are as good of a place as any to start this detailed and fair analysis of the game. In the beginning, you play as a young girl named Polka, presumably about eight years old. Clearly, the reason the developers of the game did this was because they wanted to alienate every single person that will ever play the game by designing a main character that is the exact opposite of anyone who would ever consider purchasing it. As we all know, the target demographic for video games are males ages 14-26. They don't buy games to play as little girls that look like a less sexy version of Sailor Moon, they buy them to have rabid power fantasies as manly men that tear down walls by looking at them intensely and use human faces as a base for pole-vaulting with their massive endowments. Unfortunately, none of that appears in Eternal Sonata. Instead, you get a little girl trying to cart off her shady-ass "floral powder" on everyone she meets, under the pretense that it will heal your pain, but apparently not as well as the government mandated "mineral-powder." Now let's face it polka, everyone uses mineral powder because it works better, and it's sold to them by a trusted source, rather than a terminally ill little girl on the street. You shouldn't be so upset that you can't make friends when you're the one person trying to cart off some weak-as-shit earth-grown drug on people that are hyped up from snorting crushed up minerals. This brings me to my next problem with the narrative in Eternal Sonata.

The Blatant Subliminal Messaging

Yep. Floral powder is Marijuana. This game glorifies the use of the documented #1 cause of death among young teens. Not only that, but it also tells you to defy your government even when they attempt to give you something safer and more effective. If Floral Powder is marijuana, than Mineral Powder is most certainly cocaine. In Eternal Sonata overextended use of Mineral Powder will turn you into a zombie-like creature, or something like that I really don't care, I was too busy reading my back-issues of Natural Bodybuilding magazine during the cutscenes to really get a firm grasp on whatever communist propaganda they were trying to throw at me. Let me tell you, cocaine will not turn you into a zombie. Cocaine is developed by registered scientists in well-equipped laboratories across the globe. Do you know what scientists have invented? Aspirin, Tylenol, Adderall, and Steroids come to mind. Those are all great inventions, especially when blended together and drank with vodka. Marijuana on the other hand, is grown from the earth. What has the earth invented? Poison Ivy, sharp sticks, and that tree-rape scene from the first Evil Dead movie are probably the first things on everybody's mind. Not so great when compared to science, huh?

But in the end, not even the game takes it's message seriously, because in the end, nothing matters.

In the end, it doesn't even matter

Yeah, I took that header from Linkin Park. They're kind of my favorite band, much better than anything Frederic Chopin ever composed. See, this game apparently all takes place in side of the mind of this Choppin' guy, who is a french composer or something. It really makes no sense in the end, as they never explain why he was so infatuated with watching a small girl slowly die inside of his mind. He just kind of dies peacefully and then plays piano as a ghost while all the characters in the game stare you dead in the face and yell morals at you over the credits. It probably would have been much cooler to be inside the minds of Linkin Park. Then we'd probably have giant Transformer battles set to Numb while Megan Fox dances naked in the background. I would play that video game. I think everyone pretty much would.

So in conclusion, I think I've pretty much proven my point about why Eternal Sonata is the worst game ever made. If you still want to argue that there are worse games than Eternal Sonata, you can go do it in the comments, but you're just making a fool out of yourself, as this argument is pretty bullet-proof. If you think Eternal Sonata is somehow a good game, I advise you to start back up at the top and read the entire thesis again. I'll see you down here at the bottom.