In July, I woke up after a night of caffeine and video games and started getting the kids ready for a birthday party we were going to 2 hours away. I stayed up till like 1am playing games on my computer, normal for me especially on the weekend. I had my normal cup of morning coffee which was 12 ounces loaded with creamer. As we left our town, my wife suggested we get some Starbucks to which I happily agreed of course, so I got a green tea Frappuccino. Soon thereafter, as my wife was driving and I was in the passenger's seat, I started feeling a pain in my chest on the left side and I started to freak out. I know what you are thinking; heart attack. But no, this had happened to me before, a year ago actually, and after tons of tests and doctor visits they said my heart was fine and that I had just pulled a muscle between my ribs by sitting at a computer with bad posture. So when it happened again, I knew it wasn't a heart attack...but I was so anxious and scared I couldn't stop thinking I was dying. It even got so bad I was googling the distance to the nearest hospital. My wife talked me down since we had been through this a year before and I admitted I hadn't learned my lesson then about bad habits and not paying attention to my posture and had done it again that whole week. so I sucked it up and just tried to stay distracted from it at the party.

Through a restless night of pain, I resolved to do better. I would take pains to exercise more, moderate my sitting/walking/standing time and watch my posture, and I would quit caffeine and would get plenty of sleep.

Many things happened to my body as a result of this injury. I sat differently to avoid using those chest muscles, and ended up getting pain in my groin from sitting on the edge of my seat. I also hurt my back, because I was forcing myself to sit super straight in a way my body wasn't use to. Additionally, as I cut back on caffeine, I was getting tingling in my brain, a stuffed up nose, my throat hurt from drainage and flu-like symptoms from the withdrawal, and in addition to ALL of that, I was sure I was dying of cancer because guess what else is a side effect of caffeine withdrawal? Anxiety. I am wholly unequipped to deal with anxiety like this. I have never really been anxious at all about stuff, so this certainty that "something was wrong" just had me rushing to urgent care and doctor's offices, racking up bills and driving my wife insane.

As each test came back that I was medically fine and showed no signs of any cancer, (I have a small cist on my left testicle, but nothing to worry about I'm told) my anxiety eased a bit. I could now tell myself that I am fine, that the doctors have checked and I am fine, its just the caffeine withdrawal I tell myself.

I am still having these symptoms, though they seem to be fading. My groin has recovered and no longer feels like I have spent hours on a bike. My chest is still not 100%, and occasionally I will get pain when I move a certain way. My throat was hurting in weird ways up until yesterday, it feels mostly normal now I guess...

I have been making sure I get 10000 steps a day. I've started losing weight. But the anxiety still comes. Sometimes so powerful that I have to get up and walk around and tell myself over and over that everything is fine. Things that never bothered me before, now fill me with a weird dread...but not always. I thought a lot about me dying and leaving my kids fatherless, and that has still stuck with me. Violent games can sometimes bring these feelings back lately. Dragon Quest 11 is nice because it is so cartoony and non-offensive I don't get upset by it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it to quit caffeine outright. I haven't had any since August 20th. I worry that if I have anymore ever, I will get the same withdrawals all over again as bad as when they were at their worst, and that is terrifying.

I have a new appreciation of what people with anxiety (which I might be one now I guess) have to go through, and why it is so hard for people to quit addictions. I hope one day I can feel normal again...

Be careful with caffeine, it is kind of a nightmare.

So I shop at Gamestop. I admit it. I only have a small amount of money in my budget to be able to spend on video games so often times I will trade in games I have beaten or gotten sick of and get new ones. Well, new to me at least. Now I know that I am not directly paying the studios who developed those games when I buy a used one, but I am very cognizant of who developed what and if I like one of their games, chances are I will eventually set aside enough money to purchase their newest game full price.

Some examples that come to mind are the Grand Theft Auto games and Saints Row games soon thereafter. One day while browsing Gamestop with some trade in cred, I saw a copy of Vice City for the PS2 and decided to check it out. Boom, hooked. Since then I have bought them when they came out at Best Buy or Walmart and even played GTA4, traded it in, and then when it came out for games on demand, I bought it again! I loved the GTA games so much that when I heard abut Saints Row I had to check it out so I got a used copy of the first one and I loved it.

So anyway, I originally started this so I could write about Forza2. That's right. I have never really been into the whole racing simulator kind of games, preferring Burnout arcade style for fun. It was on one of my Gamestop trips that I had a few extra dollars left over on my card and decided to take a look at the "bargain" bin. Amidst the Perfect Dark Zeros and Kameo games I saw a special two game promotion of Forza2 and Marvel Ultimate Alliance. I figured I would at least like the Marvel game and two games for 8 bucks is a heck of a deal right?! So now I am playing Forza2 just to give it a try, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! I haven't even touched the Marvel game yet! On that trip I also picked up Brutal Legend, the Batman Arkham City goty edition, and Dragon Age Origins. All for less than $40!

Again, I know it is better had I bought them outright instead of through Gamestop's evil (as everyone seems to suggest) trade program, but had I not been able to get these older games for cheap, I might never have gotten into those different genres and instead probably would have just stuck to the FPS's as a safe bet. Just a thought.

I have been listening to the podcast for years now, and somehow only now have actually visited the site. Recently I got a Roku and since discovering the Giant Bomb channel my life has gotten immeasurably better! Well maybe not, but I love it anyway.

Hello World!