In July, I woke up after a night of caffeine and video games and started getting the kids ready for a birthday party we were going to 2 hours away. I stayed up till like 1am playing games on my computer, normal for me especially on the weekend. I had my normal cup of morning coffee which was 12 ounces loaded with creamer. As we left our town, my wife suggested we get some Starbucks to which I happily agreed of course, so I got a green tea Frappuccino. Soon thereafter, as my wife was driving and I was in the passenger's seat, I started feeling a pain in my chest on the left side and I started to freak out. I know what you are thinking; heart attack. But no, this had happened to me before, a year ago actually, and after tons of tests and doctor visits they said my heart was fine and that I had just pulled a muscle between my ribs by sitting at a computer with bad posture. So when it happened again, I knew it wasn't a heart attack...but I was so anxious and scared I couldn't stop thinking I was dying. It even got so bad I was googling the distance to the nearest hospital. My wife talked me down since we had been through this a year before and I admitted I hadn't learned my lesson then about bad habits and not paying attention to my posture and had done it again that whole week. so I sucked it up and just tried to stay distracted from it at the party.

Through a restless night of pain, I resolved to do better. I would take pains to exercise more, moderate my sitting/walking/standing time and watch my posture, and I would quit caffeine and would get plenty of sleep.

Many things happened to my body as a result of this injury. I sat differently to avoid using those chest muscles, and ended up getting pain in my groin from sitting on the edge of my seat. I also hurt my back, because I was forcing myself to sit super straight in a way my body wasn't use to. Additionally, as I cut back on caffeine, I was getting tingling in my brain, a stuffed up nose, my throat hurt from drainage and flu-like symptoms from the withdrawal, and in addition to ALL of that, I was sure I was dying of cancer because guess what else is a side effect of caffeine withdrawal? Anxiety. I am wholly unequipped to deal with anxiety like this. I have never really been anxious at all about stuff, so this certainty that "something was wrong" just had me rushing to urgent care and doctor's offices, racking up bills and driving my wife insane.

As each test came back that I was medically fine and showed no signs of any cancer, (I have a small cist on my left testicle, but nothing to worry about I'm told) my anxiety eased a bit. I could now tell myself that I am fine, that the doctors have checked and I am fine, its just the caffeine withdrawal I tell myself.

I am still having these symptoms, though they seem to be fading. My groin has recovered and no longer feels like I have spent hours on a bike. My chest is still not 100%, and occasionally I will get pain when I move a certain way. My throat was hurting in weird ways up until yesterday, it feels mostly normal now I guess...

I have been making sure I get 10000 steps a day. I've started losing weight. But the anxiety still comes. Sometimes so powerful that I have to get up and walk around and tell myself over and over that everything is fine. Things that never bothered me before, now fill me with a weird dread...but not always. I thought a lot about me dying and leaving my kids fatherless, and that has still stuck with me. Violent games can sometimes bring these feelings back lately. Dragon Quest 11 is nice because it is so cartoony and non-offensive I don't get upset by it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it to quit caffeine outright. I haven't had any since August 20th. I worry that if I have anymore ever, I will get the same withdrawals all over again as bad as when they were at their worst, and that is terrifying.

I have a new appreciation of what people with anxiety (which I might be one now I guess) have to go through, and why it is so hard for people to quit addictions. I hope one day I can feel normal again...

Be careful with caffeine, it is kind of a nightmare.