I decide to stop.

A small shopping centre looms up ahead and I steer towards it. Putting my bike in the racket and locking it I start to wander. Around me people go about their lives but I sleepwalk through the mass. I never cared for the public and I will not begin now, but I can’t help but notice their faces as I pass them by. They seem content, as content as I would to a passing stranger, but happiness is fleeting as I just found out myself. I keep walking as I process the information given to me an hour ago by the doctor. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I decide to sit down on a nearby bench, looking out over a small body of water.

The breastcancer isn’t back, of that I was relieved but sadly it didn’t stop there. He told me I had a bone disorder and a painful syndrome in my chest. It wasn’t going to get better but I could get it looked at. I agreed reluctantly. Then came the hardest swing. Inside my nose was a crooked bone, the cause of the pain and nose infections I was having lately, and he told me to get surgery for that.

I wish it ended there, I really did, but it goes on. All these things I can handle, it is time, investment and willpower that will make me better again but the worst thing I heard today was the result of my allergy test.

The infections in my nose, blocking my airways, were a result of an allergic reaction to cats. I can’t have cats anymore because I’ll just be slowly making myself sick again and again.

And I fucking love cats.

Rain has started falling and it tastes like salt. It is then that I realize I was crying, tears streaming down my face as I recalled the news.

It’s another thing. One more on the list of my fucked up life. It’s the little things like not being able to have a cat anymore that gets to me. My thoughts wonder as I come to the subject of my own cat. Should I get rid of her? Can I? No. I firmly decide despite the fact it will be bad for me. I’ve lived my life with a cat ever since I was young and I will not give or do away the poor creature. I raised it from being a kitten and it’s the sweetest little thing. But I can’t stop crying. I’m beyond sick of this world and the constant misfortune that’s happening to me.

It is then that I realize something: I lose myself in videogames, music and books. I never admitted I did, I thought I wasn’t dependent (putting it harshly) but right now between all this sadness I feel an intense need to go home and start up a game to lose myself in. As complex as my life often seems I feel a longing to even more complex games. Roleplaying games with their countless armors, numbers and decisions. Shooters with their tactics and mastery of different weapons or Strategy games that immerse me in a universe beyond my own. I never thought of myself as addicted, dependent or even that reliant on digital entertainment but the more shit I go through in life the more I understand the need for recreation and a hobby.

A small smile creeps over my face, downpour still coming down around me, and I get up to continue on. I grab a small, old school, mp3 player from my pocket and turn it on. Staring out over the little lake the music starts and I breathe out heavily.

“I’m only happy when it rains.”