It is my pleasure to bring you the first review for the not anticipated Smurf's Movie Game for the Wii.
The game blows ass like a sentient anus that, in turn, has it's own fully functioning anus whose soul purpose is to generate excretions so horrid it'd give a nun the most unwanted of orgasms (out of disgust). Graghically it resembles blurry smeared smudges of blurry smeared photos of shit. It is also unplayable, but that is probably for the best. The experiance makes you question just how bad suicide really is. I mean, maybe it's not such a bad idea, and if so then I might as well take a few hundred people with me.
So in summary, this game will most likely make you into a homicidal chronic masterbator, or at least more so then you already are.
NOTE: I NEVER PLAYED THE SMURF MOVIE GAME, AND ONLY KNOW THE ABOVE BECAUSE I'M PSYCHIC. I KNOW THAT THERE WILL BE ONE, IT WILL BE ON THE Wii, AND IT WILL SUCK (as in bad, not good {good refering to sucky sucky [sucky sucky refering to blow job] } ).
For the past six months I have been submerging myself into the study of females in the world of gaming. How they feel, what they play, and so on. I also interviewed the top developers and console manufacturers to find out what they believed and this is what I came up with.
I started by contacting Sony, and asked them what have they found appeals most to girl gamers, and this is what they said. "Bitches like babies, big dicks and pink controllers." This, to me, seemed a little sexist so I asked them what they intend to do in the near future to draw in this untapped market. "We have many plans for female gamers in the near future. Firstly they can suck on our balls!" I quickly relized I was not going to recieve any productive input from them and decided since I was already in Japan I might as well check in with the home of the Wii.
Mario and his bitch.As I entered the front doors of Nintendo HQ I noticed a female employee just inside the doors, so I stopped and asked for her opinion on what can be done to better bring girls into the world of gaming. "I, I,....." Before she could finish Miyamoto leaped out behind a large fern with a pool stick and wacked the girl on the knee caps screaming, "You girl, nothing but cum dumpster, now silence with you. You play with the balls of Miyamoto!" I was stunned by the violant out burst and found myself at a loss for words. Miyamoto looked at me, and through his eye's I could see the fury of emotion that had inspired some of gamings greates characters that are plumbers. He shambled closer and began to speak. "We Nintendo, we sale.....motion....dildo!" He then began to masturbate. His little body fell to the ground spasming as I looked on at one of gamings greats.
Next, to round out the big three I went and talked to Herb aka Xbox Lives Major Nelson. As I walked into his small cubical I noticed he had a picture of Lara Croft as the wall paper on his desk top. "Tomb Raider," I said, "Did you know that despite what people think many female gamers enjoy the franchise." Major Nelson looked over at me and in a matter of fact way replied, "Yeah, they'll also send you a pic of their boobies for 1600 MS points." Stunned I replied, "Thats horrible. I can't imagine a girl tearing themselves down like that for MS points." Major Nelson began swiveling around in his chair and responded, "I'll tell you what's terrible! Fat bitches sending me blurry pics after I already paid up! Makes my penis soft! Shiiiiiiiit." I notice that he has completely began to ignore me and is checking his messages on xbox live. "Fuck me, princessfragmuffin1476 just sent me a message saying she all pregnant and shit. I'll just block that bitch. Blam! I'll ban her ass later for being a whore."
Though I was far from done, I already felt that gaming had a long way to go before women could freely talk during a Halo deathmatch without heckles, and masturbating. Next I will be talking to some of the greatest Devs in the industry on this compelling subject and find out once and for all why Barbie has not made a next gen appearance.
MOYDER!!!!Who's your favorite people to digitally murder?! I personally like beheading zombies.........well, I also like shanking just about anything. So I guess the real question is who do you like shooting in the face i.e. Nazi's, Zombies, Republicans. Then, how do you prefer doing so i.e. Sniper rifle, shotgun, grill of car, penis.
ME FIRST!!!!! Zombie's/sledge ham mer......wait, fire axe! Hmmmmm this is harder then I thought because i just remembered plowing down (non sexually) old ladies in Saints row 2......Okay my final answer is Old Ladies/Sports car......final answer....oh wait, I forgot,.....okay, final answer Nazi/bloodrayne......I think.
The latest in Circle Jerk Tech! While scanning the great comment boards of sites such as Kotoku, Gamespot and IGN, I have found that the commenting community, especially when refering to gaming, is a giant comment circle jerk. It's like follow the leader with opinions. "You think Kid Icurus was cool? Well, I don't know what that is, but I do too!" I mean seriously. Kid Icurus must have fucking out sold the god damn Bible! You think a game that sold 500 million copies would have gotten a sequel. God for bid a moderator ever comment something. Then is suddenly a butt hump-athon. I suppose my problem is this. There is no fucking way that so many people can agree about shit as obscure as what appears on most comment boards. Take the Dreamcast for instance. It has become known as the greatest console of all time, yet production was cancled because no one fucking bought it! So how are all these fuckers falling in love with this console?! I did actually have a dreamcast, and it was okay, but it's games where almost always incoherent and visually about the same as a PS 1. It did have the ability to go online, and could run windows.........but I have no fucking idea why! Yet, you say the word Dreamcast and the magical comment circle jerk materializes out of a moderators ass like a shit rainbow. This behaviour isn't limited to just us nerds. Whether it's the Twitter craze, iPhones, or texting, society has become one giant circle jerk and I'm in the middle of it.
11 Comments
In part one of "And the winner is....no one" I talked about the possible danger of the Wii's motion control frenzy infecting the Xbox 360 and PS 3. That was March of the 2009. Fast forward to September of 2010 and, well, there you go. Now, I'm not a motion control hater. Many games could benefit from the addition of built in motion and tracking systems. Resident Evil 4 on the Wii was a shining example of the possibilities of this kinda set up.
When it comes to Sony's PS 3, they have admitedly only put a small amount of resources into the PS 3 motion (In the first post I had predicted the next Xbox to be the Xbox Motion, close but no.) The basic technology is simple to grasp and proven to work. Whether they will have games to actually use the new controller is a no brainer, as in they will not. They still are attempting to build a library for their original controler. They have just finally released their Killer App God of War, which was not a Killer App at all. HOME continues to hobble along after millions of dollars and expansive critical ridicule. I don't hate HOME as much as others, but I do ask why. Why was this a high priority? Present day is alot brighter for Sony's console though. Their installed base is stable, and they are learning from past mistakes. They may still be in third place, but they are in a healthy third place. Three in the hand is worth three hundred and sixty in the bush. All in all Sony appears to be keep'n on keep'n on, but what about the Xbox Wii60?
Microsoft has spent more on Kinect then anyone could ever imagine. First they bought the company that developed the technology and then began moving 80% of their resources into developing software for said add-on. It is easy to say that M$ has bet everything on Kinect. The real problem being that this is the first time that this tech has ever been used on this broad of scale. Also, it is already clear that the technology as of this month is a ways from being ready for release, yet they have already set a November shipping date. If this was any other company then I would assume that by the release of this doo-dad all or most problems would be resolved, but this is M$. Not only are they known for releasing unfinished tech, but this is very tricky stuff. There is a reason more realible companies haven't released it. Microsoft rarely rides the edge of technology. Basically they wait until Apple does something and then release a renamed counterpart. (iPod-Zune)
In conclusion, we are on the verge of Hell, looking down the deep dark chasm of shuvle ware. Get ready, cause.....here....we....go!
The Metroid franchise rescently returned to the Wii with Metroid the other M, which was promoted as some sort of origin story, which followed up Super Metroid. It also marked the next evolution of Metroid Gameplay. Now if that wasn't amazing enough, it was also developed by Team Ninja, who are well known for their Dead or Alive fighting series and Ninja Gaiden reboot. Depending on your favor of the flavor, The Other M abandoned the first person shooting of the past trillogy in favor of a more classic semi 2D brawler, to the delight or possible disappointment of the fans. Because in the end a game is only as good......as it is good.....
Right off you find that the long opening cut scene is a little rough around the edges. The voice acting is as stiff as a 25 year old hermit's doodle while spanking it to D.O.A Extreme 2's morbid physics. Then again, who gives a crap about the story. Hell, we still have no idea why Mario is so obsessed with murdering flying turtles. It's all about the game, and in this case, a very striped down boring game. Now, I could be a bit more tolerant if it wasn't for how fast and exciting the FPS Metroid series, but the other M, suffers on all fronts. The gameplay is a horrible mash of past Metroids all cramed into the shell of Ninja Gaiden, and watered down for the kiddies. At this I realized what was missing. A little pervert named.......ITAGAKI!!!!!!!! For those that are not savvy, Itagaki was the head honcho of Team Ninja and creator of the D.O.A franchise. His bizarre behaviour was only matched by his exact execution of frantic hyper active gameplay. He wasn't the best game designer by any means. You kinda love him or hate him, but he provided a unique style to Team Ninja. A unique style which is painfully absent from M: The other M. The game is shallow and cold, and some how not only lacks the expansiveness of the universe of past games, but also fails to compare to the amazing FPS gameplay of the past three games.
I have been a fan of the franchise from the NES all the way through to Corruption on the Wii, but this was way too many steps back. It's like Team Ninja was handed the keys of a 1969 GTO Judge and returned a 1988 Ford Taurus. Could it be a complete misunderstanding of the franchise, short development schedule, or possibly a sign that Itagaki was more important to the studio then even I could have thought? I don't know. Maybe a combination of the above. All I know forsure is that this is a rare mis step for a first party Nintendon't franchise. One that cost me $59.99!
1 Comments
Been gone exploring the horrid depths of the human mind and porno, but I'm back to spread my infinitely limited knowledge of my own opinions via blogs. So let's all join together in joy-ish celebration of me!
Let me be free like a little flying animal or plastic bag man......wait before I get banned let me explain. I posted a blog about Midway being hard up for money, which they are, and it get's locked and some reason the moderator thinks it's a prostitution post. LAME. Yes, yes, it was titled "Midway will suck you off for a Cheeseburger" but it was all in good fun. The point was that Midway, the video game company, was looking at selling the Mortal Kombat franchise just to survive, and I was using crude comedy to illustrate that. NEXT! So I got in trouble on another site for saying that the worst FPS was still better then the best Rail shooter. So, they say I'm trolling. Which I wasn't. I truly believe that any rail shooter would be better as a free moving FPS. Fast forward to moments ago when I post a little skit about moderators being creepy. LOCKED! Come on! I think that a discussion about moderators being creepy is a fair forum topic. So what about you folks? Ever been banned, or had a comment moderated. Are you a moderated that has been moderated? Do you know a moderator, or better yet do you know a moderator who moderated a moderator and then got moderated for moderating the moderator?
42 Comments
THEY MODERATE BECAUSE THEY CARE.Through out the vastness of virtual space, there is but one law giver. One ultimate power. These surveyors of justice rule over all they see, and will strike down your comments with utmost swiftness for they do not sleep, they do not date, they do not bathe. They do, they are, they is........THE MODERATOR.
xxDeadlyshotxx: "I'm just saying you shouldn't say stuff like that."
skeeter163: "Dude, WTF!? Zelda sucks!"
xxDeadlyshotxx: "Dude, what the heck are you doing? He's watching....."
skeeter163: "So what? It's my god given right to say that Zelda sucks."
xxDeadlyshotxx: "You don't understand what he's capable of!"
skeeter163: "Oh yeah? Well, I think the PS 3 is an over priced piece of crap, and that Galo 3 blows monkey ass!"
xxDeadlyshotxx: "Oh god no! Not Halo! Do you want to get banned?"
skeeter163: (users comment has been removed)
xxDeadlyshotxx: "No! I warned you! I WARNED YOU!!!!!!!"
Moderator: "@xxDeadlyshotxx I'm watching you. I'm always watching you. You are all just filthy trollers. Why do you resist? Your soul.........IS MINE! :)"
skeeter163: (users comment has been removed)
xxDeadlyshotxx: "Sorry sir! I love Zelda! 2D games aren't just a retro fad. They don't suck. Long live Halo!"
Moderator: "You can send me nude pics at sea_manbucket@chunky.com......."
xxDeadlyshotxx: "I'm a dude."
skeeter163: (users comment has been removed)
Moderator: "........doesn't have to be full on frontal. Maybe just a ass cheak, or one nutt. "
xxDeadlyshotxx: "NO! What the Hell is your deal you freak?"
The Wii has held a strong lead in the console race, so what does this mean for the core gamer?
The core gamer has in no way been silent about their distaste for Nintendo's Wii. Now, of course there are some out there who stand by the Wii's innovative family friendly console, but these core gamers make up a very small minority. Some forums burn tales of Nintendo turning it's back on the core gamer or polluting the gaming industry with low quality mini game collections. Now, to be fair the core gamer turned it's back on the Gamecube forcing the Wii to find cash flow elsewhere to survive. That elsewhere just happened to be hipsters, house wives, and 11 year old girls. Yet, on the other hand the Wii may very well have some negative effects in the long run.
Wii Fit 2, because your still FAT and we need more money!
First is the misconception that this casual gamer will buy another console or that there are enough to support 2 or 3 casual consoles. Xbox 360 has begun to march away from it's demographic in hopes of pulling a Wii in the middle of it's life cycle with things like, LIPS, Avatars, and Viva Pinata. They see the success of the Wii as a guiding light to the future of gaming. Problem is casual gamers have already chose their console, and the only thing the 360 will accomplish is alienating it's own fan base in search of greener pastures. You would think their high paid brains would see the problem with over stretching and loosing what they already have, but this is just not the case. Sony is no better. In a time when the only thing they should worry about is getting games like God of War 3 out the door they spend massive resources on trying to figure out how to go casual. The PS 3 has been all but annihilated by the competition, and is only being further stomped to death by lack of exclusives, yet they have been in no rush to fill the void with first party games. They decided HOME, and Little Big Planet was much more important, until they get a little xbox envy and throw Resistance at Gears of War. Sony has forgotten who they are and M$ is joining them. They both are pulling resources from every aspect of their business and pointing them at stealing gamers from the Wii. The next generation of consoles will be when all this comes to head. This will be the time when all three console makers release their very own freaky under powered console each with it's own unique interface only to find that the reason we call them "CASUAL GAMERS" is because they are CASUAL. They won't stand in line on launch day to be the first to own the "XBOX MOTION". Actually, it's unlikely they'll buy any of the three consoles, because they already have a Wii. If they wanted something fancier they would have bought an XBOX 360, but they didn't. They don't get tired of their console automatically with the next gen. They do not abide by the rabid idea of the BIGGER BETTER DEAL! They read in Cosmo that the Wii was a great weight loss tool, and good for children. So they bought it, and it still works so there is no need for a new console. You see the problem here. Before this is over all three consoles will ditch or at least compromise their relations with the core gamer only to find that the casual gamer, is in fact, "CASUAL".
Log in to comment