If you're like me, you were completely intrigued by the possibility of a sandwich consisting of meat, surrounded by meat, with cheese and sauce. The following is a diary I kept throughout my first encounter with this (presumably) delicious beast.
Quick Stats Pre-consumption:
Me:
Relative Age -25
Wt - 175
Ht - 6'
Overall Health - Good 8% body fat
Income - Disposable
KFC Double Down (DD):
Relative Age - 45 minutes
Wt - 12 oz
Ht - 4''
Overall Health - Intact and warm, 65% body fat , 540 calories 32 grams of fat, 1380 mg (1.38g) of sodium
Income - $4.99 + Washington's goddamn 9.5% sales tax.
Chapter 1. The Reconnaissance Phase:
Up until this point the DD has been the chupacabre of the fast food world to me. I've seen photos on TV of it, have read blogs about it, and have even encountered a few people who worship it. As you can see from my entire scientific study, the box features a decrypt old man who is a Trail Blazers fan on a 4 inch and 1/16inch box. This is the first time I've ever realized they put the KFC/KGC on the box to imply "Yo we grill this garbage too!"
Okay, enough teasing, time to deliver the goods.
Chapter 2. The Unboxalypse!:
The "Double Down" itself comes in at a whopping 12 oz, measuring 4 inches diagonally (like a monitor) at an average thickness of 2 1/4 inches of meaty mastery. This is where my first disappointment is encountered. The chicken strip buns (CSBs) are not of uniform shape (which is to be expected of randomly battered meat chunks), which makes the double down awkward to hold and eat. An unexpected bonus of the shape of the double down is, unlike a normal bun or square sandwich bread, the double down presents itself much like a hot dog or pizza with an obvious point to start your tasty journey.
Enough stalling, time to assert my alpha male status on this DD!
(At this point I feel it's important to note I'm a runner and hardly ever eat fast food... ever. I'm doing this because I'm A. Curious, B. Hungry and most importantly C. Lost a bet.)
Chapter 3. The first cut is the deepest...
Bite #1. Wow, now that's a sandwich... made completely of salt. I don't know what I thought it was going to taste like, but ANY flavor besides salt definitely falls into the top three expectations not met. If you were to take a bucket of salt, compacted it into a dry chicken like mold and then sold it, you would probably be sued for taste infringement because you just copied the Colonels recipe. Dear lord it's honestly overwhelming, I'm downing a nalgene along side this thing and it is not enough to contain the barrage of dehydration I'm experiencing here. The bite itself was horrible as well. After you break the top and lower crispy layers, your teeth just sink into what I can only assume is chicken that's been cured, dried, and then salted. You then break through the second crust and into bacon and cheese which are somehow saltier than the chicken! Like a fine wine with multiple tastes, KFC was able to give this thing 2 flavor profiles, a salty meaty arid like opening with a dried ocean finish. My mouth hates me and everything I stand for and has decided to shut down all systems in order to end the pain. God, it's as if their food scientists decided "what can we do to make something taste like ass, and then finish it off with something worse?" I haven't even swallowed and I already feel like this isn't going to be a happy ending.
Chapter 4. Did I mention it was salty?
Bite #2. Inexplicably much better than bite #1. The only explanation being the shock drop of salt troopers on the city of Tastopia from the first bite has left everything in ruins, rendering me incapable of comprehending the salty refuse I've decided to ingest again. That being said, I couldn't taste anything at all after that first bite, so saying it has absolutely no flavor is not new and unexpected here, but the surprising speed at which the DD has destroyed not only my taste buds but my soul and will to live is something to be applauded.
Bite #3 - Finish. The rest was pretty easy to get through, but I was not happy about doing it, but I manned up and am once again became lord of my domain. I'm actually extremely dissatisfied with the Double Down. For me, it was like finally finding a unicorn and being allowed to ride it, only to find that all the unicorn wanted to do was sodomize me. Much like the unicorn scenario, the DD has left me feeling numb and hollow, and disappointed I allowed such a horrible thing inside of me. My final analysis is, DON'T GO FOR IT. Seriously, it's not a happy train to flavor town, or even some ridiculously fattening comfort food you can find solace in. Admiral Akbar said it best, "It's a (GODDAMN) trap!" and not worthy of your $4.99 + W'sGD9.5%ST.
Quick Stats Post Consumption:
Rank: C
Casual Consumption Time: 3:15 seconds
Me:
Relative Age - 87
WT - 176 and rising
HT - 4'2
Overall Health - Withered husk of a man, actually feeling ill.
Income - Still very disposable
KFC DD:
Relative Age - KIA
WT - ∞
HT - 1000 nm
Overall Health - Alive and actively destroying my intestines.
Income - More than it's worth.
Chapter 5: The Speed Run!
What's a good boss fight without a speed run!
I bought 2 Double Down's for this original analysis, and I REALLLLY don't want to eat the second one. However, a bets a bet so to get through this as fast as I can I'm going to be doing a speed run analysis.
(See ending stats of last run for beginning stats of this run).
Box - White haired old bastard should die.
Unbox - This thing look disgusting... and those damn chicken pieces still aren't lined up... also this one is slightly colder so the cheese has solidified with the Colonel's sauce to create an unappetizing paste.
First bite - OH GOD WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN!!!
Second bite - Actively feeling ill... not joking, this is horrible when slightly cooled.
Third bite - No... just no.
Ending Stats Of Endurance Run
Me:
Rank: F for %$#@ this.
Speed Consumption Time - DNC, 35 seconds.
Relative Age - Abe Vigoda
WT - Soon to be much much less after I make it to the bathroom.
HT - Small and brittle.
Overall Health - Want to die.
Income - Don't Care
*edited for spelling errors.
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