Larry King makes a special guest appearance in this blog.
By Video_Game_King 6 Comments
Tekken
( Ooh, I can already smell this huge mistake I've made.) Keep in mind that I haven't played that many 3D fighters. In fact, not counting this one, I've only played three: Soul Calibur 2 (it was good, I think), some Tekken game on the PS1 (I've no idea why Wal Mart was demoing PS1 games in the late 21st century), and the arcade version of Tekken 5 (lesson learned: Native American women lose to dick jokes). My first serious entry into this genre was no less confusing than all that other stuff I just said.Actually, it was more confusing, now that I think about it. For example, the game has no story, but the story still confuses the hell out of me. How does that work? I know that most fighting games are completely lacking in stories, but at least when they try to have a story, they add some type of relevance to it. Just looking at the titles of certain games shows this. By that logic, Tekken makes no sense. And, as always, logic is right. Why, for example, does Nina hate smelly farts so much? Why is everybody fighting this bald karate dude? And what the hell is going on here? Larry King, being assaulted by demon schoolchildren? That is Larry King, trust me. But what is going on? Were they required to use green screen footage, or did a Mad Libs get crossed with pure fear?
Shit, you guys seem to be really pissed. Let me change that: the game is not friendly to newcomers. If you're coming off a Street Fighter high or a Mortal Kombat binge, too bad, because it'll have none of that ranged attacks bullshit you've been used to all these years. You want your enemy dead, you'll have to get in his face about it. Oh, and you can't grind the same move into their face, for two reasons. First, they learn that blocking your moves renders your cunning Cancan Attack Stratagem useless, and second, you can't chip damage foes into death. That's right, you have to learn where to place moves on the fly, using something called strategy to win your fights. But, of course, you won't use strategy, mainly because the game isn't well balanced. Remember how I said you couldn't kick an enemy to death because they'll block you? Well, should your kicks connect, then you can kick your enemy into Juggle City until half their life is knocked off. That other half comes off when you grapple your foes.
No, most of your battles will revolve around grabbing your foes and giving them the hug of death, something the mafia has yet to figure out. You guys may think it cheap that I ground the same move until everything was dead, and while I agree with you, I also feel the need to remind you that the character roster is about as balanced as the G4 line-up. (Is that joke funny or sad? Can't tell.) When they start spamming moves faster than you can pull them off, grabbing them is the only proper response. Left with little gameplay, I started noticing some weird things, like how a running hug actually does less damage than slowly getting in their face for a hug. I'm guessing it's compensation for looking at their ugly, ugly faces. No, look at that picture, because that's what the whole game looks like. It's hard to look at without puking. I guess that's why all the extra characters were shoved off the screen in that pic: such ugliness can't exist outside that one moment in my last blog. I think you know where I'm going with this: Girl Glenn Beck Award.
Review Synopsis
- What the hell is going on here?
- Why is this in 3D?
- Why is the throw move so damn effective?
In case you forgot, it looks like you did:
Aladdin
( This was supposed to be about Crisis Force.) It's an NES shmup, I think. I tried playing it, but it looked so glitchy that I feel like making a very bad Red Dead Redemption joke. Granted, it was still playable, to a certain extent, but how exactly am I supposed to play a pile of glitch with any sense of enjoyment? Besides, I have decent memories with this game. Too bad those memories don't line up, this being the GBA port of a much better SNES version.I'd start with the story, but do I need to explain the story of fucking Aladdin? We all know what happens: apparently-hot-yet-shirtless thief winds up in jail, finds genie in the desert, sings himself manly, battles a snake, gets the princess, stars in a series of increasingly shitty sequels. The only difference is how this game presents it, which seems to be somewhere between the Game Gear's rote in-game cinematics and the Genesis version's walls of text that skipped the whole Prince Ali thing. Remember that minor detail. (The betwixt part, not the Prince Ali part.) You get both the pictures/text combo and the in-game cinematics, creating this satisfying mix where you actually feel like you're in the movie.
You know what else blows my mind so hard that my keyboard is covered in brain jiz? That I was able to type that sentence with a straight face. Also, that I waited until the fourth paragraph to explain the major gameplay mechanics. Why? First, it's a platformer, like the other ones; you run to the right, jump on enemies, jump on enemies, and, and I can't stress this enough, jump on enemies. You can also throw apples at your enemies, but this seems to become less and less useful over time; the second level pretty much presents enemies as squishy platforms, and the third level has no enemies. What else am I supposed to use these damn apples for? Transitioning into the next point? Do you see any relation between apples and cloth, because I don't. Oh, look at that: cloth. You use it to float through levels, but it kinda feels like you're cheating whenever you do. I'll see a large battalion of enemies before me, a large platform, and a way to get past all of them that doesn't feel....natural. That probably explains why the game is so damn short.
Unlike this blog. Oh, you thought I was gonna end it there? Well, you probably didn't, since this paragraph's here and the text doesn't magically materialize as you go along. Anyway, the game's short, and while it's still pretty fun, it isn't without its problems. First, turning is a bit of a problem, since Aladdin skids into turns. This may not sound like much until you collide head-on with an enemy, directly into the forehead. You looking to get some of that health back? You better hope that Aladdin doesn't sacrifice his bread for kids (what little kids are doing in a dark cave is anybody's guess), because there are no health refills between levels. How could they miss something so basic? They gave us a save feature but no health refills? Does a save system count as three wishes, or was Capcom being an asshole? I don't know, so I'll end this with the I Wish This Game was Better Award.
Review Synopsis
- What the hell happened to the music?
- The gameplay has a few problems, but otherwise, it's pretty enjoyable.
- Still, the Genesis version is my favorite one, obviously.
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