Danswers 14: Brad Muir

Brad describing the miracle of birth to Dan was fucking amazing.

edit: Holy hell, that friend who ruined the proposal is the wooooooooooorst.

you know what.. i'm fine with not having a kids. The whole podcast was so painful too listen to especially about that spine drug.

Man, I'm so glad that this podcast is back and with a real banger too.

So far I've only had time to listen to the first 30 minutes, but it's already pure gold.

@dracomaster01: I was only on dating sites for a couple months, but I got a bunch of responses and a few dates, and I'm an average looking Asian guy. Just write a thorough profile and include some nice photos, and when you message someone make sure it's with something relevant to their profile.

Just wanted to say what a brilliant episode this was of Danswers. Brad was a superb guest and found it very interesting to hear about parenting and childbirth!

(Every episode is very good!)

Hooray, finally another Danswers!

Bradniel Muir

:D

welcome to the real world

@wefightforever said:

I tend to agree with Brad. He probably could have phrased it without using the word retarded but nevertheless there is a kernel of wisdom there. There are a few reasons.

Giving each other shit is basically a strategy to talk without revealing anything intimate about yourself. Acting tough to not seem weak. Also the talking shit part always touches upon something you have noticed about your friends or they have about you. So your friendly ribbing will almost always include something real and true you noticed about your friend or vice versa.

Chances are that you are calling the guy who weighs the most fat. Chances are that you call the most socially awkward dude 'hopeless virgin'. Chances are that you call the guy who has a demanding girlfriend 'pussy whipped'. Chances are that at some point one of your friends complained about one or more of those insults and the rest shot him down by telling him that he shouldn't be such a pussy because it's just "friendly ribbing". Chances are that at some point one of your friends got seriously pissed off about something someone else said and that everyone else seemed to be kind of confused by that because it was just friendly banter and 'man he needs to calm down/seriously needs to get laid etc.

Chances are that you have one guy, who always seems to end up to be the butt of the most jokes. The person people seem to talk the most shit about.

Are you 100% sure that all of your friends are really - and I mean really - totally OK with that? Have you always and ever 100% been OK with everything your friends said about you? Would you have any way to have a "real talk" with your friends when someone crosses the line eventually? Without the person being ridiculed for acting like a girl? I've seen a lot of those sort of friend groups and they always blow up quite spectacularly when someone can't take the "friendly ribbing" part any more and people suddenly realize that there is no friendly and harmless way to talk shit about each other.

Quite frankly, you are probably at some point going to touch on something one of your friends is really self conscious about. Maybe the hopeless virgin is really hung up on not having a girlfriend, maybe the huge guy is really hating himself for being such a fat slob. Maybe the "pussy whipped" guy really despises the way you all talk shit about the girl he really loves.

At the heart of guys talking shit to each other in a friendly way is always the "talking shit" shit part, that will almost inevitably at some point touch upon an uncomfortable truth one of your friends really doesn't want to be reminded of.

You can't get rid of that fact without also getting rid of the talking shit part and that's where I agree with Brad wholeheartedly.

To the guy with the "big personality": I have the gut feeling that the people in your school would use a whole lot of different and less flattering terms than "big personality" to describe you.

...and you know that because if you didn't you wouldn't have used weasel words like "big personality". No one describes themselves or others as being "someone who has a big personality" (not even Dan Ryckert) except when they're already sort of on to the fact that people think they are huge assholes.

So you have two problems. You don't really want to let go of your "assholishness" because you have already put a positive spin on it and so you are really just looking for justification and reasons to continue being an ass. Secondly you don't really own it hence the "big personality". To use Dan Ryckert as an example, he has no problem calling himself "a huge asshole" (direct quote) when talking about some of his more outrageous ideosyncracies.

To the sort of socially awkward guy Brad wanted to hug so badly. Don't think so goal oriented about other people. Don't talk to people only because you want to make friends, don't talk to girls only if you want them to be your girlfriend. Firstly because that will put a whole lot of additional pressure on social interactions you're already not really comfortable with. It raises the stakes much higher than you are probably comfortable with. Secondly because people will notice your 'angle' and be more wary. Desperation is unfortunately something people are really put off by. Thirdly people actually have more to offer than the sort of three roles you assign to them (friend/girlfriend/doesn't need to exist).

My advive would be to just talk to people. Without ascribing to them all of your hopes and dreams a real person probably can't fulfill anyway. Talk especially to the ones that you don't want to be your best friends/girlfriends. It makes fucking up much less of a deal, it gives you much needed practice and you may even learn that you can be sort of acquainted to someone without them having to conform to roles you ascribe to them according to your needs.

You might even realize that your initial judgement about some of them might have been wrong.

At some point some of those people will almost inevitable end up being friends simply by accident.

@nigeth: you're making the same incorrect assumptions that brad made, and that's the crux of my frustration. You're assuming both that giving each other shit is the only form of conversation, and that we don't know the line. Friends that do this generally knew each other for a while first, and they still talk about personal things in a serious manner behind closed doors. Belittling all people that do a thing you don't agree with is inappropriate, especially because you assumed so much about the relationships of these people you don't know at all.

oh wow, i didnt know Brad Muir quit Double Fine. That's what i get for not keeping up with twitter I guess/

Hell yeah Willow references!

Great podcast again.

Great podcast guys, @MrMooEar I feel like you could be a pretty good motivational speaker.

To the person who's possible fiance's friend tried to sabotage their plans: DO NOT INVITE THEM TO THE WEDDING.

Edit: Actually I thought about it. Do invite them to the wedding, give them one of the tables closest to your own at the reception. Be as passive aggressive as possible.

Jeez Muir. No good natured trash talking among friends? Lighten up!

Yay! :D

Danswers was why I became premium! Psyched to have more.

brutal honesty, great stuff guys.

Having a kid sounds like THE WORST THING ON EARTH!

I know the guys already said it a few times, but regarding the Disneyland guy, your girlfriend's friend is the fucking WORST!!! That story was beyond belief!!

glad you guys are back, awesome episode!

+1 on the no trash talking among friends argument.

Source: Me. I became the butt of jokes for my group of teenage friends (we had been lifelong friends up to that point). This was around the time most kids my age were discovering beer and I didn't feel comfortable with it yet. I felt the trash talking became too focused on me and less and less good natured, It built up until I finally "snapped" and told them to fuck the hell off. They never felt the need to patch things up.

I'm not saying that everyone stays friends forever. People change, they drift apart. Especially during those early years. But this experience probably went as painful for me as it could have gone. And you never really know what people are really sensitive about that they try and hide. Making light hearted fun of the guy who always loses at Mario Kart might seem fun to you if you're the one who always wins. But they may be more sensitive about it than they probably should. Worst yet, they may feel the need to say something back to retaliate and stay on "even footing" and I feel that shit just builds and builds until it explodes.