Struggling with social anxiety disorder

I keep finding myself struggling with the right way to describe how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's going on inside my own mind. Finding the words, the right words nonetheless, to explain to others, and sometimes myself. Suffering from a mental disorder is the worst thing in that way. Suffering from more than one mental disorder at the same time is thousands and thousands times worse, and I would much rather break both my legs, just so that I could point at a casket as an explanation to why I can't be there and do what I'm supposed to do whenever I'm asked to do something that is expected from me.

I'm constantly anxious of being judged by others. Not only by my actions and what I believe in and say, but also by the lack of my actions, by the lack of communicating with my peers. I get anxious when I'm about to talk or trying to come up with something to say. I get anxious when I'm talking because I've yet to see and/or hear the reaction. So I stay quiet. I isolate myself.

I also get anxious because I stay quiet and when I stay quiet for too long. And it's even worse when I get selfconscious about my own ongoing behavior. I keep feeling ashamed of my own behavior, the lack of communication. I keep blaming myself for what's going on and for how I feel, and for not doing anything about it. Or at least that's one of the many things I'm worried about people are thinking; that I'm not even trying.

Every day is a struggle. Every morning I just want to go back to sleep, disappear back into the subconscious state of mind I just woke up from. Every night I just want to stay awake, keep away from a subconscious state of mind that against my own will keeps reminding me of what's going on. If I fall asleep I also have to wake up and face a new morning, a new day of worrying. Every day I'm longing for just being around people, take part in conversations, share my thoughts and listen to what they have to say too. Get away from myself and my self inflicted loneliness. Every day I feel extremely anxious whenever I am around people. I keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds until I can get away from the spotlight. The spotlight that's not even pointed at me. Why would there ever be a spotlight pointed at me? I want there to a spotlight pointed at me, I don't want to stand in the dark. I don't want a spotlight to be pointed at me, I don't want to be exposed.

By just looking at it from afar it just seems to lack everything what logic is. It doesn't make sense, not at all. Being in the middle of it all however, doesn't make it make more sense either, but the main difference is that everything that's wrong with this behavior seems logical in the most wicked ways....even though it's not logical at all.

And I'm also having trouble deciding if being this self aware of it all is a good or a bad thing. Objectively the most logical answer would be that it's extremely good. Being aware of the problem is a huge step in the right direction. But for some unexplainable reason it makes me even more anxious knowing so much about all the nuts and bolts of it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't find psychology to be an interesting subject, even though it's the very thing that has given me the most insight in life overall.

It's good you're aware of it. Don't try and fix it on your own. Go to a doctor

Yeah, what @duhvinci said: there's nothing wrong with being aware of it. It's a good first step. Sounds like you should go see a doctor. They might end up recommending that you go see a psychiatrist or psychologist. That isn't a terrible thing, believe me - mental health is so important.

Yeah, you should absolutely be seeing a therapist. Most of what you talk about sounds fairly typical of the sort of self-doubt surrounding social interaction that everyone feels now and then, but in your case it's magnified due to having an anxiety disorder. Thinking about social interactions is just part of being human, but it's a problem when you can't stop focusing on it and it's upsetting you.

I have a couple of family members with anxiety issues, and therapy has helped them a lot. I'd definitely look into it, if I were you.

I'd also chime in with maybe getting yourself a therapist too dude.

I've struggled all my life with anxiety disorder, to the point where I wouldn't even leave the house for long periods of time. Like you, I find it difficult to talk to people because I am so worried about how they are going to react to what I say. I know how exhausting it feels because it is a struggle for me also, but I have improved massively over the past year or so. Hopefully things will improve for you too soon.

I'm not sure if you posted this looking for advice or venting, but i doubt a person who subscribes to a video game website will give you the answer you are looking for. you should print out your post and take it to a professional. We aren't going to be able to answer your problems bro. Not trying to be rude.

Gonna echo this. There's a weird string in pop culture that helps demonize getting help for mental health by basically portraying anyone with it as a) the villain of the piece or b) the hero who overcomes actual mental health problems through sheer force of will. And obviously that stuff's a fantasy, and we know in our logical brains that it is a fantasy, but when you see something SO MUCH and SO OFTEN, it gets under your skin and into your mind. It's why they need to remind juries that real CSI is nothing like TV CSI. Where this rambling post is going is that you need professional help and there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking it.

Hey there. We definitely advise seeking advice from trained medical professionals and family on matters like these. Please know that you aren't alone out there, that a great many people suffer from similar troubles, but that with the right help, you can persevere through these rough times.

I'm going to go ahead and lock this down, but we sincerely wish you all the best going forward. One day at a time!