If you're like me, then you were born somewhere around 1989 and you love video games. Your first Zelda game was probably Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past, and you still love that game to this day. You were so excited, and maybe even a little scared the first time you went into the Dark World. You were blown away the first time you stepped onto Hyrule Field when you played OoT (I can't spell Occorania. See?) and your favorite Zelda game is probably either OoT, Majora's Mask, or Wind Waker. But the problem is, there is a whole generation of gamers out there who's first Zelda game was Twilight Princess, and that will probably be their favorite, even if they go back to play the ones we say are the best. This is why Zelda shouldn't change dramatically. It isn't for us anymore.
I was inspired to write this after this thread asked what you would change in a Zelda game. My response was the following:
" I would like the Zelda games to have a story besides "guy in green saves princess from Gannon." It could even be that, but make me care about Link. I've never felt so detached from a character. "
It seemed like a few people agreed with that, and I moved on with my life. But then user KJellm87 said the following in response to me:
"Each Zelda game has its own story. But they are rarely about Link himself. When the gods slips up and things get out of control, Link enter the scene and makes thing right. The reason for this might be that Nintendo want you to think you're Link himself. "
That got me thinking. Would I love Zelda and had played seven of their games if LttP was a story driven action game? Maybe, maybe not, but I guarantee you the kids that Nintendo is marketing Zelda to don't want this. Zelda isn't made for the story, it's made for that experience of going around to different set pieces and figuring out puzzles. I'm not saying kids are idiots and they don't deserve good games. The main complaint with Zelda today is it's "more of the same," not that it's a bad game. But for these seven-ten year olds who are just getting into Zelda, it isn't more of the same. We don't need deep rich story in Zelda games. We have games from Bioware that tell rich stories about different characters, or games like the upcoming L.A. Noire, which seems like one of the most mature games to come for a while (not mature in the sense of M-Rated full of boobies and blood, but in the sense that it's for mature players).
Every kid deserves to have "that Zelda moment" that we all had growing up. And while I would love a more mature Zelda for me, it's not in the cards. I will still play Zelda games, but I will play them for what they are. A way for kids to start loving video games.
(Prolouge: I ran out of letters in the title so I made a portmanteau) . (Prolouge part 2: I'm drunk, but I can still be cohearent while I'm drunk, for fucks sake I just used the word portmanteau.).
Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon is the best video game for the N64 that you never played.
You never played this and you're a bad person because you never played this. And the following list is of 5 reasons that support my point.
1) It's Zelda. No seriously, it's pretty much Ocarina of Time. It's a large open world connected by dungeons. In these dungeons you have to find silver (small) keys and eventually get the gold (master) key to fight a boss. There are items that give you a map and show you where the boss is on that map. There are lucky cats, and if you get four lucky cats you get an additional heart. The gameplay is different (you can jump and switch between four different dudes) but still fun with all the OoT trimmings.
2) It's funny. The game has a lot of obscure, Japanese humor that I don't get. But you might. But it also has a lot of humor that is universal, like some occasional fourth-wall stuff (characters asking the narrator what to do) and even the plot is bizzare and funny. You have to stop a theatre troupe from outer space from turning Japan into a giant stage for a play for them to perform on. Also lots of references, like this one.
Gok - err Goemon using Sudden Impact! 3) It oozes personality. If the plot doesn't strike you ass crazy-ass-Japanese enough, then other stuff in this game will. Maybe it's because I have the biggest gamer-boner for Suda 51, but I love games with personality more than anything, and this game has it in spades. Your party is a rejected ninja, a creepy, lecherous pig-man, a kids toy robot, and a sexy ninja lady.
4) Giant Robot Battles. This happens about an hour in the game without any context. Because fuck context.
(Don't worry, the game isn't Japanese only, this is simply the best version of the video.)
5) It still holds up today. It's a platforming beat-em-up Zelda hybrid. If you don't care that a game looks kinda shitty, you can still play it today. I played it and beat it just yesterday, and I still had fun with it. Give it a chance, or I won't be your friend.
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So if you watched the quicklook for Test Drive Unlimited 2, you know the beauty of the opening cutscene. Well after some serious soul-searching on youtube, I found this gem. Obviously the game should be set in India, and this would be the opening scene.
Mayor of Earth Mike Haggar. He's a family man. He's a professional wrestler. He's a mustachioed lead pipe and overall connoisseur. Sadly Haggar has only been in a handful of games, like the Final Fight series and, more recently, Marvel vs. Capcom 3. I think it's high time that Haggar makes more appearances, and here are some suggestions. Here's a picture of him piledriving a shark.
Sure, beating the shit out of necromorphs with your bare, muscular hands would take some of the suspense out of the game, but those aliens had it coming. Maybe then I could even beat Hardcore mode.
I don't want a starring role for Haggar in this, but a mere mention of his name when you find out the first Krogan was the result of Mike Haggar impregnating a female komodo dragon in space.
So I never played a Guilty Gear game, but when I saw that the main dude's name was "Sol Badguy" I lost it. This got me thinking what are some of the worst named video game characters I could think of. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Hard Man
For a dude that's supposed to be a badass robot master, there's nothing intimidading about "Hard Man." At least we know he doesn't need Cialis. He's only slightly more intimidating than Limp Man.
Waluigi
Okay, we need a mean version of Mario. How about Wario? Because the W is M upside down! -8 years later- Hey you know how awesome Wario is? We need a Wario for Luigi. What's that? An upside down L is a 7, and the name 7uigi is stupid? I don't know, call him Waluigi.
Poo
Poo is a martial arts warrior from a far away land in Earthbound . It's also a synonym for feces . I don't even understand what the Earthbound guys were trying to do with this one. You guys have a great game, but seriously.
Seaman
Half fish, half man, all confusing. He's not a man that lives in the sea, like the name would suggest. He's just as fish with a man face. We don't call mermaids "Surface Fish Ladies." Not even the prestigious voice of Lenard Nemoy could save this character.
Oh my God... this download for the DLC is only a few KBs... this must mean...
THE DLC IS ON THE DISC We've all seen it (or at least people complaining about it). Company X announces a few extra levels or some new challenge levels to download for a measley 5$-10$-15$. You pay the price and download it, only to find that it appears to be an unlock, it's way to small of a download for it NOT to be on the disc.
FUCK COMPANY X, RIGHT? Wrong (maybe).
Pre-included DLC isn't the worst thing ever, hell it might not even be all that bad! I'm no game-making man, but I have to imagine that it's not really companies saying "Hey let's fuck with the guy that just spent $60 on our game." I believe DLC on a disc is acceptable in some cases, here are two hypothetical situations where DDLC is ok.
Situation 1
Ted: Hey Bill, I know Space Bug Killer 4 is going to have 12 levels, but wouldn't this level and this level be cool too? Bill: Yeah, but I don't know if we could get those done in time, you know the big-wigs said it has to be out by Q3. Ted: Well isn't there anything we can do? Bill: Sure, put a small team onto making those levels, but don't make them integral to the story, that way we can release them as DLC either on the disc or later, if we don't finish them in time. Ted: Cool, thanks Bill. Bill: I've been sleeping with your wife, Ted.
Situation 2
Shawn: Hey, Call of Combat: Modern Duty has a pretty good single player, eh Steve? Steve: Yeah, but that level where you fight the Russian robots seems kinda... I don't know it doesn't really fit in. Shawn: But we spent all this money making it! Steve: Well here's what we'll do, we cut it and we can offer it to the public, via DLC. It's not the best thing we've ever done, but if people really want more of our game we can sell it to them. Shawn: Ok, sounds like a plan. Hey have you been sleeping with Ted's wife? Steve: Yeah. Shawn: Me too. high fives
So what have we learned?
1) Ted's wife is a whore. 2) DLC on the disc isn't all that bad. Sometimes it's just developers with no other options trying to do what's best. Would you rather they released it 3 weeks later and pretend it wasn't already done? And if you don't like it, don't buy it. Vote with your wallet.
(P.S. Does it feel dirty defending multi-million dollar companies? It sure does.) 93 Comments
Like any large group sweeping generalizations don't apply. There are a ton of cool people, and then there are some people who say disagreeable things once in a while, whether it be them trying to get a certain reaction or they genuinely feel that way. Also they like video games. Lets have fun and not take ourselves too seriously.
Love, GlenTennis
p.s. here's a picture of a monkey riding a shoe-wearing dog.
I never thought I'd say this, but if done right a live action Street Fighter IV movie could be badass. You just need to get the right people behind it.
So I play TF2. I have been playing it a lot, actually. I recently checked and I've played 260 hours of it over the years. If you don't know, there is a feature in TF2 called crafting, where you can get randomly generated weapons or other items and combine them to make other items that you want. Along with weapons, you can craft hats, but they are much harder to make. They require 81 different items to be combined. Long story short I finally got my last weapon I needed to get in order to make a hat. The hats are random, sometimes they suck. Sometimes they are awesome. I hit the button, and lo and behold I got my very own hat, pictured below.
I was happy. Sure it isn't the coolest hat, but it was my hat.
What is also true about TF2, is you can buy items, including hats. So I thought to myself, "I wonder how much this costs in the store!" And there it was, my hat, with a $7.99 price tag sitting under it. 260 hours for $7.99. Sure those hours were me playing and enjoying the game, but... it just felt wrong. My huge accomplishment could be accomplished by any jagoff with a credit card and eight bucks. I just feel kinda... dirty. So what's the point of all this? Good question.
TL;DR - I put the lotion in the basket.
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