by daavpuke
By sheer luck, I happened upon a Nintendo Classic Mini and bought it. Remember that thing? I own one now, at a reasonable price. What I was most surprised about is that my unit was never used. Everything, from the foil inside to the twist ties, was still intact. Y'all really wrote bot scripts to corner a market, just to dump it a few years later. I have a lot of thoughts about that.
Anyway, I went through every game and played them for a while, so I thought it would be a fun exercise to rank every one into the purest, most objective list I can muster. Some games I played for ten minutes, mostly because I already owned them, played them and, in some cases, beat them. A few have already taken an hour or more from me, whether they're compelling or that's just their pace and you need to invest time to get anywhere. Time spent isn't necessarily an indication of its merit. That said, a lot of these are separated by a hair.
This list will be inverted, meaning 1 will be the lowest point and 30 will be the cream of the crop, the top dog, the royal cheese.
I tried to give descriptions for my reasoning, but the Giant Bomb editor really doesn't fuck with phones. I lost a lot of hours of writing, so just imagine that I have valid reasons. Maybe I'll add them in post later. [UPDATE: 7 hours later, we did it, baby :)]
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Look, I like Double Dragon. I've played a lot of Double Dragon, both in arcades and at home. Yet, this does nothing for me. It's the most obvious example of something that got put on here, only because the license cost was justifiable.
Some are diehard Galaga fans. I am not one of those. It has very distinct, specific rules on how to do well, but I never remember what they are, so I always get smoked. Is it unique? Sure. It is, however, much more an arcade classic than a console one. I liked it better when it was a loading screen distraction.
Another example of "why this one and not that one." I would've preferred the classic. Extra minus points for not being faithful to the European release, which swaps sprites with mechs and is called Probotector. I guess asking for a style swap was too much to ask.
What an amazing and confusing addition. I would never play this otherwise, but I also know nothing about American rugby. Even with the online manuals, I still have no idea what the chaos unfolding on the screen means. Interesting as an archival oddity only.
Ice Climber needs some polish off its tarnished rep. This very early game explores the platform genre before its time. It's just that its deliberate nature doesn't pair with its insistence on fucking with your movement any chance it gets. Weirdly enough, the jumping design will pop off 30 years later on phones.
It's taken me a long time to realize Dr. Mario isn't very good. Or, rather, I appreciate it more on Gameboy than on a dedicated screen. It takes a long time for this one to get interesting, but that Fever track whips.
Again, I really appreciate the things Kid Icarus does well. There's some shoot em up in there, the scrolling screen is a neat idea. It also has immediately obtuse design and only one, rapidly declining, life to get things done.
Punch-out is a fine sports game, but putting the uppercut on Start should be a crime. You also need specific knowledge to beat opponents. I understand why it isn't, but this should've been the Mike Tyson version.
Are we ready yet to admit Mega Man isn't as good as its reputation? Not yet? Ok. Well, unless you consult a guide, you likely won't progress through any stage. There is a lot of game, however. You could definitely play a lot of this.
While this is one hell of an atmospheric game, I do own several copies of Simon's Quest, meaning many people were willing to part with it. That can't be a good sign. It has a death pit in the opening town. Yes, I fell in it. What kind of sadist would design something like that? It doesn't improve much from there.