1. Zach Galifinakis
He doesn't really tell jokes, he is more of a guy who acts funny. His mannerisms and delivery are what sets him above the rest. I love how he can be a dick to people and make it pure gold. For an example of this see his web show thingy Between Two Ferns on Funny Or Die. The last one he did with Ben Stiller was great. To see him act weird watch The Hangover or him on Tim & Eric. Actually here are some links.
http://www.adultswim.com/a
http://www.funnyordie.com/

2. Demetri Martin.....Ladies
He has some similarities in the ways I find Zach funny. Not that he is the same, just my sense of humor lends me towards his stuff. Like it's a lot of the way he acts when he tells his jokes. Also I guess he is a prop comic when I think about it, but way better than Carrot Top. I guess I like my comedians like i like my music, "Alternative".

3. Patton Oswalt
His stories he tells in his stuff are great. Do you know why he quit LSD? So the 1st memory his daughter has of him won't be him high telling her the truth behind Lucky Charms. He is also a geek and likes the same junk I do. He was pretty good in Ratatouille too. You know what, I REALLY wish The Comedians of Comedy was still on CC, that show was really good and had both him and Zach G on it.

4.Mitch Hedberg
Again with his delivery. While he doesn't have too much stuff because he is well dead, it was still good. Actually this got me thinking about people who do have lots of stuff and that in their day Steve Martin and Eddy Murphy had some really great stand up acts (which you should watch), but they are both way past that time now.

5. Dane Cook
I KNOW, I know... He is kinda a sell out now and he hasn't had any real good material in a while and he sucks now along with his movies (except Waiting, but he's not good in it Ryan Reynolds is). BUT his old stuff was great, and I still quote him occasionally. Like calling Burger king the BK Lounge.
 
Edit: I forgot, somehow, about Lewis Black. He is the real number 5.
  The guy is pure genius. I love his yelling and his jokes are great. Does anyone have minutes of pure gold on nothing but candy corn? I think not. He has also seen the end of the world and can tell you where it is.

No idea who any of them are.

" No idea who any of them are. "

Never heard of any of them except for Dane Cook.

Frank Calliendo is funny...once.  He has an amazing act, but he only has the one act and it's the same every time.

" No idea who any of them are. "

On that list, I only recognise Demetri Martin, who I find can be a bit hit and miss at times. Also, I'm in the UK, so that may explain my lack of knowing these people.

" @lilman1101 said:

" No idea who any of them are. "

Are you kidding me?  Also, I like Jim Gaffigan. "

" @lilman1101 said:

" No idea who any of them are. "

...Seriously? "

" Never heard of any of them except for Dane Cook. "

" @lilman1101 said:

" No idea who any of them are. "

Are you kidding me?  Also, I like Jim Gaffigan. "

Carl Baron is one of the funniest mother fuckers around.
 
Demetri Martin's act can go both ways really. I liked him in Taking Woodstock though.

Switch Dane Cook for Gaffigan, and you have my list (in no particular order).

Dylan Moran   
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZWZZRZDcSQ&feature=related
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS1NOXWVWgo&feature=fvst  
                         
Patton Oswalt
Bill Hicks
Jerry Sadowitz.
Bill Bailey.

I respectfully disagree.

Steve Marrtin 
Bill Cosby 
Chris Rock 
Eddie fucking Murphy 
Patton Oswald 
 
 in no particular order.

" Steve Marrtin Bill Cosby Chris Rock Eddie fucking Murphy Patton Oswald   in no particular order. "

" @lilman1101 said:

" No idea who any of them are. "

Are you kidding me?  Also, I like Jim Gaffigan. "

Also Lewis Black.

" 1. Zach Galafinackas

" Also Lewis Black. "

I've only heard of Dane Cook. 
 
The world doesn't revolve around America, you know. We Brits for example have our own stand ups. We don't watch or care about yours.

I haven't heard of any of them.  
 
From what I have seen of US comedy it's too blatant for my liking. See any sitcom. British comedy seems to be more to my liking, it's cleverer. Also, panel shows. I fucking love panel shows. 

Carl Barron is hilarious
 
 

" I've only heard of Dane Cook.  The world doesn't revolve around America, you know. We Brits for example have our own stand ups. We don't watch or care about yours. "

So you have Dane Cook and not have Dave Chappelle.
Great....
 
 

" @MysteriousBob said:

" I've only heard of Dane Cook.  The world doesn't revolve around America, you know. We Brits for example have our own stand ups. We don't watch or care about yours. "

Did I ever say that British comedy was bad, or that you needed to know my favorites? I am sure you have your own favorites, you should list them too. :)  Russel Brand,  Ricky Gervais, and Jimmy Carr are pretty good.  Then again, they are just the guys who hopped the pond. I am sure you are hording the best over there still :P "

i have to say: i get pretty offended when europeans imply that american comedy is stupid (not that most of it isn't).  i'm not really trying to respond to anybody in this thread specifically, more what i noticed from being in europe for a semester.
 
not everything ever broadcast by the BBC is high-brow irony.  i don't mean to disrespect british comedy (because you can easily point to examples of great british talent), but it's so typical of a european to say that american comedy is all boorish slapstick.
 
in public, they'll accuse americans of not being capable of understanding irony and then they'll watch the simpsons religiously (which is a great show, but definitely isn't the most sophisticated thing ever) and--without sarcasm--quote lines from hollywood comedies to friends to get a laugh out of them. 
 
also, on a slightly different note: it's rather telling that bill hicks was huge in britain.  bill hicks isn't terribly funny.  i like him, but he's much smarter than he is funny.  it seems like europeans tend to prefer angry, incisive comedians to funny comedians.  that's fine, but at that point you're criticizing social commentary, not comedy.  the two things don't have to be separate, but comedy doesn't need to be incisive.
 
there's so much quality, clever american comedy.  i hate american culture too, but not everything is Two and a Half Men.  woody allen, george carlin, the marx brothers, and so many others are way better and way more influential than europeans want to admit. 
 
that said, there are some classic BBC comedy shows.  monty python is still probably the pinnacle of surreal comedy writing.

" @Daveyo520 said:

" @MysteriousBob said:

" I've only heard of Dane Cook.  The world doesn't revolve around America, you know. We Brits for example have our own stand ups. We don't watch or care about yours. "

Did I ever say that British comedy was bad, or that you needed to know my favorites? I am sure you have your own favorites, you should list them too. :)  Russel Brand,  Ricky Gervais, and Jimmy Carr are pretty good.  Then again, they are just the guys who hopped the pond. I am sure you are hording the best over there still :P "

I wasn't implying American comedy was bad, I was just reacting badly to all the people who assumed we should know who those guys are. The only reason I know who Dane Cook is because they probably mentioned him on South Park or something. Kind of like how I once said I didn't know what the different was between CBS and Fox and all I got what SHUT THE HELL UP EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT CBS IS
 
I've recently been following Ross Noble who is from my hometown of Cramlington. Hes amazing at improv.  
 

  

"

dont know ½ of them sorry but i really like eddie izzard or ricky gevais to name a few though since im not american or in a contry with english as my first languede i personaly like the comedian from my comtry a hole lot more its not that i dont like english comedy. its just the delivery, timing and setup that is mutch different. and way more call backs and so on where i feel the english (mostly american) is more setup punchline and moving on to the next one

Never heard of em. American comedians.... yeah.

" dont know ½ of them sorry but i really like eddie izzard or ricky gevais to name a few though since im not american or in a contry with english as my first languede i personaly like the comedian from my comtry a hole lot more its not that i dont like english comedy. its just the delivery, timing and setup that is mutch different. and way more call backs and so on where i feel the english (mostly american) is more setup punchline and moving on to the next one "

Robin Williams
Steve Martin 
Eddie Murphy
Chris Rock
Jim Carrey
Jeff Foxworthy

Dave Chapelle  
George Carlin 
 
All I need.

George Carlin is dead and hes still better than any comedian now or ever to walk this planet.

Some pretty good list on this page. My favorites are George Carlin, Patton Oswalt, Marc Maron, Doug Stanhope, Aaron Bishop, Bill Hicks, and Patrice O'Neal. 
 
BTW, for any stand up comic fans, check out Marc Maron's free podcast, called WTF with Marc Maron. It's the best place to go to hear stories from comedians from behind the scenes.

Here is my list: 
1) Dave Chapelle 
2) Lewis Black 
3) Mike Birbiglia 
4) Kyle Cease 
5) Zack Galifianakis

Needs more Brian Regan. 

Not a bad list but I prefer Louis CK over Dane Cook.

Mitch!!!

" Never heard of em. American comedians.... yeah. "

Never heard of any of them.

" @Grillbar said:

" dont know ½ of them sorry but i really like eddie izzard or ricky gevais to name a few though since im not american or in a contry with english as my first languede i personaly like the comedian from my comtry a hole lot more its not that i dont like english comedy. its just the delivery, timing and setup that is mutch different. and way more call backs and so on where i feel the english (mostly american) is more setup punchline and moving on to the next one "

This post confuses me. 'American' and 'English' are completely different things. Especially in the world of comedy. "

Heres mine in no particular order.
Mitch Hedberg
Eddie Izzard
Blue Collar Comedy Crew (only way I could fit them all in the list)
Lewis Black 
And Jon Stewart