I think all games, PC and console, should have matchmaking that avoids any "non-vanilla" servers, but I also think there either needs to be a "random custom rules" matchmaking or a server list. Server lists are better because you can see what you're about to get into. Battlefield 3 just does a shit job of communicating that stuff on consoles.
You think that's annoying, try playing on random servers in ArmA 2. I have to have like three different presets for mod loadouts for every "chunk" of servers. A lot of servers don't bother to allow mods like JSRS which is just a sound mod to make the sounds more realistic, and there's no way to just have the game disable mods that aren't allowed without restarting the game.
But as @laserbolts said, look for the official servers. They won't have silly rules, they won't kick you for dumb things, and they'll probably perform pretty well. Not sure how populated they are though.
Also, find servers you like and favorite them. If you just join random games willy nilly, you should expect things like that to happen. If you have a server browser in a game, spend some time playing around with the servers with the best ping, until you find a few that are usually well populated and don't have rules you don't like.
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