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Let's have a Magical Ocean Adventure with Junpei and Friends!

By smcn June 16, 2014 30 Comments

If this all goes horribly wrong, I blame @video_game_king.

A little on the nose, don't you think?

Well, that's game over. Thanks for joining me folks!

"Did I just have sex?"

The narrator is apparently dubious about the severity of Junpei's head injury.

Wait, he managed to fall off the only bunk with a rail?

"This is impor-- This is immmm-- imporrrr GOD DAMN IT."

"...are my pants?"

A whale, a swarm of bees, "Maneater" by Hall and Oates...

All of them soaked with urine.

Sure, slightly dirty. Let's go with that.

It... just looks like 5 to me.

"At last, I've made it across this ten-foot room!"

You've just earned yourself a nickname, Cement-head.

"And neither was the door. The awkward silence between them grew ever deeper until..."

I guess they don't have sport watches in Japan.

Has the narrator been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

"...staring intently at the door as he did so. The door had nowhere to run."

"Adam Carolla was right, I never should have gotten hooked on Jergens!"

"Is this because I was trying to jerk off in front of the door? It was just a joke!"

Not the best time to practice your pirouette, Junpei.

"But sometimes that's the way it goes in the Hazzard."

Who says in-game tutorials are getting too hand-holdy?

[Note: The water isn't animated, at all.]

"Oh, fine." *zip*

Who says--

Oh for Pete's sake.

"Didn't my reflection used to have a face and stuff?"

"Light skin, brown hair... Holy shit, am I a video game protagonist?!"

Holy hell, I'm glad there wasn't a camera filming me fumble around with this.

Well, shit.

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Video_Game_King

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What the fuck? How did I not find out about this on the forums!? Or through notifications.....*reads the damn thing*

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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@smcn said:

Has the narrator been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

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9 years ago

smcn

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Edited By smcn

They said it would never happen... but here's Part 2!

Bashful! God, I can never remember that seventh dwarf.

And inside that apartment was another apartment, and inside *that* apartment was his meth lab.

Christ, all these numbers are going to mean something later on, aren't they.

The swarm of praying mantis he kept to control the cockroach population.

"Sorry, they told me you wouldn't be home. I kind of already, well..."

"This shit will have you rolling for *days*."

999 has several minigames. Back of the box quote right there.

Not to be confused with Digital Roots, the story of how hard drive technology progressed beyond the need for a Master/Slave configuration.

Step 1: Take out the calculator you're about to get and hit the "digital root" button.

Let's see how long Junpei retains this crucial skill.

...he says after swiping cards at random. Fuck's sake Junpei, round peg goes in the round hole.

Okay, now I'm starting to feel bad. Does Junpei have some sort of learning disability that has yet to be revealed?

Less adagio, more perpetuum mobile, twinkle-toes.

That's right everybody, it's time to meet our all-star ensemble!

And last but not least, The Mountain. How many times is this character going to be re-cast?

All right, I'm going. You don't have to beat me over the head with it.

Good, then we all have a basic understanding of how these doors work so we won't have to--

Looks like Junpei is the smartest one here. We're fucked.

Loading Video...

9 years ago

smcn

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There are choices I'm starting to regret, and I haven't even made any yet. BEHOLD! Part 3.

You're not allowed to poke fun at romcom tropes and then immediately proceed to do this:

Those bottom eyelashes are really creeping me out.

"And I didn't get a single RSVP. Do you have any idea how hard it was to set up those cabin puzzles on such short notice?"

"Make sure you tag spoilers appropriately."

"You get a gold star if you can guess how many."

I dunno, I think that's a little too on the nose. How about [Fuzeldorfs]? Or [Crabsnatches]?

Oh, you mean THOSE doors? With the numbers on them?

"Whew. Did you guys figure out what that sound was yet?"

Whatever DID happen to Robot--wait, shit, @video_game_king already used this joke.

Buddy, in this situation, a coincidence is the best you could possibly hope for.

...or apparently 999 takes place in a dimension where words change their meaning every third sentence.

Yeah, holding onto hope that you're going to live is no way to survive a death game.

9 years ago

Hunkulese

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Why are you doing this?

9 years ago

smcn

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@hunkulese said:

Why are you doing this?

It wasn't my idea.

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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@smcn said:

There are choices I'm starting to regret, and I haven't even made any yet. BEHOLD! Part 3.

The actual explanation is fucking insane, which reminds me: you might want to keep a Bullshit Plot Hole Counter on the ready. It might not look like it, but you're going to get a LOT of use out of that bad boy. (What that counter should be, I have no idea.)

9 years ago

smcn

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Edited By smcn

@video_game_king: Yeah, I already kind of spoiled a couple things looking up images and trying to find out if I could get the true ending on the first run through. Nothing specific, but from what I've seen in the game so far I'm sure it's going to be about as dumb as it can get.

9 years ago

Superkenon

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Edited By Superkenon

This seems like it will take awhile, but good luck! I'm enjoying it so far.

By the way, what did you manage to spoil for yourself?

9 years ago

smcn

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After my being incapacitated for several days, the slow motion car crash continues with Part 4.

Coincidentally, Upside-Down Triangle is the name of my new video game podcast.

Apparently Zero isn't one for thematic consistency.

"And the keyhole underneath symbolizes the truth which has been locked away by the Illuminati."

But that's not how you pronounce Santa. How about Monsanto, because I hate you yet I don't know why.

I think you meant Lotus *Notes* had 8 *versions*.

A few minutes? We're running on borrowed time here, lady.

And let me tell you, they did not leave much to the imagination.

"Haha! By improving my posture I now appear a few inches taller! Cower before my erect spine!"

"I can't tell if you're screaming in terror because there's a knife at your throat, or because it just occurred to you that Gary Busey is still alive and roaming the earth."

Hopefully I can get this back on track without too much trouble.

9 years ago

smcn

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@superkenon said:

This seems like it will take awhile, but good luck! I'm enjoying it so far.

Thanks!

By the way, what did you manage to spoil for yourself?

Nothing really specific, just that there's something weird about Santa and June, the latter of which is quite obvious from the get-go.

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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@smcn said:

I'm just gonna save this in the plot hole corner. Trust me: you'll need it.

After my being incapacitated for several days, the slow motion car crash continues with Part 4.

Maybe this one, too. (Although there's a very good chance the story explains this one.)

9 years ago

Superkenon

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@smcn: Glad it's nothing too major, then. I'ma look forward to your reactions to the upcoming zaniness.

9 years ago

smcn

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Edited By smcn

@video_game_king: Noted. I'm also taking far more screenshots than I need (or is sane, really) and saving everything. At the rate I'm going I'll probably never be more than a day ahead of the thread, and my tolerance for plot holes is generally high when I'm "in the moment," so I'll probably hold any analysis for the end. Assuming the ending isn't so bad that I 9th Man myself.

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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@smcn said:

@video_game_king: Noted. I'm also taking far more screenshots than I need (or is sane, really) and saving everything.

'Tis natural for screenshot threads. I went so crazy with this Lunar 2 thread I was planning that my emulator said, "You've gotta stop, man." Unfortunately, I was forced to. For now.

9 years ago

smcn

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Unfortunately, Part 5 doesn't feature a Virtual Jeff.

What's with these flashbacks to the speaker? This is all stuff Junpei read off the dickbutt paper. Wait, is Junpei actually Zero? DID I JUST SOLVE 999?!

"At least 4 or 5 steps! Don't think I'm not counting!"

Nah, you don't need to use other words. I got it.

Come on, Setzer. I glossed over the fact that you somehow knew your bracelet number, but this is ridiculous.

Oh thank God, it's Navi. Can you explain to this idiot how the doors work? Again?

My misdirection sense is tingling. Or maybe it's just gas.

You know, that's actually a pretty good death scream.

Sorry Mr. The Mountain, just making up for twinkle-toes' idiocy.

...his pa-- Man, fuck it, it's no fun when you just softball it in like that.

Having played this section once before, this is the point I realized the choice for who opens the door probably doesn't really matter.

In case you couldn't read the name at the top.

"Uh, you're doing pirouettes in front of the crying girl?" "Wrong, asshole! This is a fouetté en tournant!"

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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Edited By Video_Game_King

Wait, so Hanako's crossing over into the 999 thread? Does that mean Hanako is Zero?

9 years ago

smcn

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Edited By smcn

@video_game_king:

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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@smcn said:

@video_game_king:

Damn it. I was too slow!

I should also mention that Harlem's appearance in this thread is non-canon to the screenshot ballad. If shoulder touches set this girl off, she'd be in for a world of unrelenting trauma.

9 years ago

smcn

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Part 6 gets a little disgusting.

"Come on you whippersnappers, let's blow this popsicle stand!"

Not even the blind are safe from my puerile photoshops.

Yeah, I'm definitely keeping track of this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Sr3ZbSxolI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxWYFeJJKgE

About the incest, or the shoulder touching? Either way, the answer is "no."

"Ow, Snake! You just poked me in the boob!" "Oh, uh, sorry Lotus. Blind."

To see how long people can stand my stupid jokes? Yeah, that describes this thread pretty well.

"I've got hands-on experience with eviscerated corpses."

"These slippers are satin, there's no way I'm walking through that mess."

"We need to play up the romance angle so it's more shocking when I later betray you!"

Well, you could. You'd just have to switch you and her with Seven and Clover. It only took me about five minutes of trial and error to figure it out.

"I'm sorry June, the choice to let you make your own decision instead of me making it for you isn't mine to make."

...Oh, yeah, that's much easier than trial and error.

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9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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@smcn said:

Surprised you didn't go with the Junpei ballerina joke. Then again, Santa's getting in on the foot action, too.

Alternate name for this thread: Dance of the Sugar Plum Conspiracy.

9 years ago

smcn

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I've been trying to tone down my frustration with the stupidity of some of these characters. Let's see how I do with that as we enter the first [numbered door] in Part 7.

Perhaps because the *only reason* he wanted to come this way was to examine the body?

Oh, geez. Well, I guess I can sympathize with that. We'll just come back for the knife later.

And I was going to make an echolocation joke on an earlier screenshot...

Yeah, that's the one. Now I just look like a fool. A fully justified, prudent fool.

To be clear, this is a complete non sequitur.

Please, you don't need to go into detail.

"Sorry, it's just with all that talk about the bed..."

"...but...it's on a piano...where the score should be...rrrrrrrRRAAAAAARRGH THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

When did Junpei turn into a valley girl?

Snake just admitted he can navigate by sound alone, and you're not even going to ask if he can crack a tiny antique safe?

"And from holding quite a few suitcases in my time."

I dunno, don't you think I'm already cribbing a bit too much from VGK?

"You know, like when the plot hits a critical moment."

Yeah, it's a trial and error puzzle. Fun.

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9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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@smcn said:

Any particular reason why the blind guy's taking the lead?

Oh, that's why.

9 years ago

smcn

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You thought this thread died, didn't you?

Exhibit 2. Snake drinks himself un-blind.

And somehow becomes even more of a sarcastic asshole.

Exhibit 3. Seven turns into a shounen manga character.

"Excuse me, but which one of us was it that just tried to fuck a metal gate?"

If you told me backwards stair running was a Japanese game show, I'd believe you.

I guess I should have taken the other door so there would be at least *some* justification for this comment.

"Oh god, I think I had too much of that Brass Monkey."

Junpei, buddy, you have got to get this door fetish of yours under control.

A five person Quick Look? And I thought three was pushing it.

...But this part isn't. 999 takes place in an alternate history where everything is the same except the HMHS Britannic ran aground instead of sinking.

His children have kept up the collection, adding fifty copies of Titanic on laserdisc and a lock of Leonardo DiCaprio's hair.

Dude, it was just a dumb joke for the header. You weren't supposed to actually ASK him if he's black.

Since I can't see any of the images before posting, I'm just going to cross my fingers that everything works out.

9 years ago

smcn

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Are you doing something other than watching EVO and want to see me play 999 LIVE, RIGHT NOW? Your dreams are about to be realized.

Know that I'm starting a bit ahead of this thread, but not more than one update's worth. Also, the live stream will not be archived.

Also know that I've been drinking and will likely not remember any of this.

Consider yourself warned.

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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Wait, is this what all the cool kids are doing now? Live streaming themselves taking screenshots, thinking up jokes, and going "no, no, that won't work?" Should I do that going forward?

9 years ago

smcn

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@video_game_king said:

Wait, is this what all the cool kids are doing now? Live streaming themselves taking screenshots, thinking up jokes, and going "no, no, that won't work?" Should I do that going forward?

Well, the "no no that won't work" comes when I sober up.

Also, yes.

(Addendum: If you did, I would absolutely watch, and that would mean you would have infinitely more viewers than I did. That's a mathematical fact.)

9 years ago

smcn

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Part 9.

"I am NOT letting you draw me in a nurse outfit."

"You think this is the Britannic just because of evidence and knowledge of history? What are you, some kind of moron?"

...Junpei extended his arms and began a tendu exercise. "What? It's been like, two hours. I don't want to get rusty."

The bold text isn't important, it's just the narrator's way of saying "Get it? Moving from fore to aft? *wink wink nudge nudge*"

It's "accurate" that they're in front of the door, it's just not "precise." #WordCrimes

"When I stand like this it looks like I'm laying in a pool of blood! Isn't that hilarious?"

Christ, what's wrong with her right hand? She's like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2.

Then tears started welling up in his eyes. "Your form is just horrific! You're making a mockery of the art!"

Let's go with the obvious choice first, I'm sure we'll find him and get this over with in a jiffy.

I've seen the negative possible effects of trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to be talked to. Let's just leave her alone and head into the cabin.

You know what? Let's rewind. Maybe if we stick around and talk to Clover someone will notice the door's open.

...I don't know if I can handle this right now.

Me, when my roommate came in to talk after I had just finished reading Part the 二十二番目 of the Katawa Shoujo thread.

9 years ago

Video_Game_King

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Video_Game_King

@smcn said:

I've seen the negative possible effects of trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to be talked to.

Not yet, you haven't.

9 years ago

smcn

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Part 10, coming at you hot.

"Did you check the first class cabin? I noticed the door had been propped open."

"I mean, the way they were making out before that first door was kind of weird, don't you think?"

As long as it doesn't have anything to do with eating babies.

Come on twinkle-toes, read between the lines!

"You see, when a man and two women are stuck on a ship in a crazy death game together..."

In case you've forgotten how that works over the past month.

I don't know, Clover doesn't seem like she'd be in the mood for that.

First depression, now pessimism. It's like a mad-lib of anxiety.

Why not? We've apparently already teleported half-way across the ship to be standing right next to it.

God damn it. Well, there's only one place left to go.

I fail to see how that would be possible. Do they have x-ray vision?

Except maybe how he managed to enslave all those Neptunians.

9 years ago