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WhipDingo

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Wii would like to play...

By WhipDingo 1 Comments

You for a sucker!

Nintendo has done it again! They have succeeded in whipping the public into a frenzy over their latest console system; The Wii.

Since it’s release in December 2006, The Wii has consistently received high praise for it’s innovative design, it’s low (by comparison) price tag and it’s “revolutionary” play style. It has been hailed by critics as a refreshing alternative to Sony’s Playstation 3 and Microsoft’s Xbox 360. It has broken console sales records in three countries and is in such high demand that almost two years after Nintendo launched the system it is practically impossible to find one in stores. The manufacturer has expressed it’s surprise and delight at the console’s popularity.

Not only are the graphics sub-par, but it’s hardly innovative. Now I can hear you saying “Now wait just a goddamned minute! I love my Wii! Nintendo delivered a revolutionary gaming system that’s jam-packed with hours of fun for the whole family!” To which I am forced to reply “What’s it like to be a fucking sheep?” You have been swept up in a marketing campaign that has lubed you up and had it’s way with you without paying for dinner or cuddling you afterwards. So tuck your undies in your pocket and call youself a cab. On the way home you can reflect on some of the other wise purchases you have made in the past.

I bet you still get a kick out of your giga-pet or your oh so precious beanie baby collection. The Wii is the battery powered hula hoop of the 21 century.

Not convinced? OK, let’s take a closer look. The Wii is a gaming console system with a wireless controller and online play. I’d like to introduce you to another gaming system that features a motion-sensitive controller. a wide assortment of games and online play:

Ta-Da!

Crazy right? I know!!! But wait, there’s more…

Because we know that gamers like the advantage of portability. It also comes in a hand-held model:

How much would you pay for such a marvelous system? $800, $1,000??? How about $300. “Oh yeah smart guy, what are the specs on this to-good-to-be-true mythological ‘game system’?” I hear you asking. Let’s do a side-by-side comparison:


No Caption Provided

Here’s the best part about our game box: YOU CAN ACTUALLY FIND IT IN STORES!!! All that time that you have been spending placing bids online or driving your hybrid from store to store has sadly, been wasted.

I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you but YOU’VE BEEN HAD! The Nintendo Wii is not innovative, it’s not even a bargain.

Buck up lil’ camper. Wipe your eyes with that $7 latte cup. You’re stronger than that. You aren’t the first fanboi to be seduced by promises of revolutionary game play with clever marketing. In your defense, it was late and you were kinda drunk. I’m sure they’ll call…

On the upside, Zelda 15 – Cash Raker is set to release early 4th quarter. Talk about new and different!



Note: This rant is brought to you by good clean fun. Please don't take it personally or be offended.

1 Comments

When Marketers Attack!

By WhipDingo 1 Comments

So, I’m browsing through past releases for the 360 trying to find something interesting that I may have overlooked when I happen upon this gem of a game:

This sucker will set you back the standard $59.99 for a 360 title. Some of its awesome features include:

  • includes the likeness of the show’s characters
  • you can have a “career” or just play mini-games
  • has over 4,500 lines of dialogue

Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the game’s target demographic but I can’t even see why fans of the show would want in on this shit-fest.

It is a game about CATCHING CRABS.

Ok, let’s think about this. If I was to design a game about catching crabs it would involve hookers or at the very least, some skanky sorority chicks. But let’s assume we’re actually catching the “great with butter” variety. What could you POSSIBLY do in such a game? Well, here’s a partial list:

  • Walk on icy boat decks
  • Drive the boat
  • Sleep uncomfortably close to your fellow shipmates
  • Simulate opening old cans of creamed corn for dinner
  • Move cages off the boat
  • Pull cages onto the boat
  • Sell crabs
  • Get hooked on Crystal Meth to curb the boredom (oh wait, that’s real life)

Sounds pretty compelling, eh?

*SPOILER ALERT* - Final Boss Revealed:

4,500 Lines of Dialogue. Oh Sweet Jesus - Make it stop!

What could these fuckers POSSIBLY have to say that takes up 4,500 lines of dialogue? Even stupid ass games like “Deer Hunter” and other WalMart craptacular titles don’t try that - they just do their stupid hunting simulation and that’s it. My only guess is that you will spend a lot of time discussing your friend Bob’s boyhood fascination with fish as phallic objects.

Probably while sleeping uneasily next to him.

Alone.

Because everyone knows…there’s nothing like talking while fishing for…THE DEADLIEST CATCH!


Note: This rant is brought to you by good clean fun. Please don't take it personally or be offended.

1 Comments

Final Fantasy

By WhipDingo 1 Comments

 

Game Over: We Lose!



Like you, I loved the FF series. I think that possibly the most amazing thing about them was the audacity of the publisher to leave the word “Final” in the title. It has been is anything but!

Lately, I have been contemplating taking a queue from Square-Enix and coming up with my own epic game series:

Volume 1. The Last Battle
Volume 2. The Real Last Battle
Volume 3. This is it, The Final Battle
Volume 4. There Won’t be Any More Battles after This
Volume 5. Battle: We Mean it This Time!!!
Volume 6. Marketing Insisted on One More Battle…
 Volume 7. TBD Battle Some More (Working title) *
* Released on 4″ screen hand-held only

I think it has strong potential. I am going to feature an androgynous male with spiky hair as my lead character. He wields an enormous (but in no way phallic) sword and has a past that is shrouded in mystery. He will often make homo-erotic sighs, and once in a while cry out “Eyu (or similar, all vowel, no consonant name) Noooooooooooooooo!”

It would also include oodles of cinematics (about 70% of game) and tons of cute, fuzzy, extremely powerful but impossibly annoying creatures with ear-splitting voices. I would pepper it with a few pre-teen girls in miniskirts with voluptuous breasts that make the player feel slightly aroused and even more uncomfortable because of it. Finally, I plan to incorporate a wise-cracking sidekick who is otherwise completely useless as anything but a damage soaker.

I’m not sure about the plot yet but the cut scenes would most likely center around the hero’s past. It would involve some sort of masked arch villain, who may be tied to asexual hero-boy (quite a twist, right?). I figure that I could recoup some of the production cost by captioning most of the dialog as “…” and hiring the same team that does most of the English translations for popular anime series. I’m sure terms like “World of Magic Power” will be well received and not feel generic or contrived at all!

I know you are stunned with the originality of the concept but set that aside for a moment and tell me: What do you think? Could it work?

Seriously SE… STOP! Or, at least hire a writer or two.


Note: This rant is brought to you by good clean fun. Please don't take it personally or be offended.

1 Comments