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348 Comments

Maybe We Should Start Issuing More Press Releases

UK's Official Nintendo Magazine really wants you to read its next issue.

 Collect 'em all?
You know, this might only be funny to people who write about games for a living. Or maybe I'm just being a dick. I can't really tell anymore. Either way, Future issued a press release this morning to let us all know about the next issue of Official Nintendo Magazine. The UK book is running its Super Mario Galaxy 2 review in the next issue, and apparently someone's pretty stoked about that. Stoked enough to use "latest Miyamoto masterpiece gets six limited edition covers and massive ten-page review" as the sub-head.

Here's one bit that I found particularly hilarious.

Ahead of Super Mario Galaxy 2 hitting UK stores on Friday 11th June, from Wednesday 12th May Official Nintendo Magazine offers gamers six limited edition covers and a set of exclusive badges, as well as the only review that matters. With a spectacular ten-page review, Official Nintendo Magazine has the definitive verdict on the latest and greatest Mario game.

OK... you've already called it the "latest Miyamoto masterpiece" and you're devoting SIX covers to the game. Are you really going to sit there with a straight face and claim that your official review is "the only review that matters?" You've already tipped your hand! Why would anyone read one page of that review, let alone 10?

Hey guys, do you think Official Nintendo Magazine likes that Super Mario Galaxy 2 game? Call me crazy, but I bet it'll review pretty well.

Personally, I'd love to see them put together six separate covers, call it "Miyamoto's latest masterpiece," and then give it a 60 or something. Of course, that'd be unfair to the game, which appears to be at least somewhat awesome, but a guy can dream, right?

"Hooray, the latest Mario masterpiece is here, collect all six covers and read our 10-pager, and then at the end see that we've given it a 6/10 because it's somewhat middling! The only review that matters!"

I won't even get into how absurd the idea of devoting 10 pages to a review is. Of course, if I was running a magazine devoted to Nintendo's platforms, I'd probably do the same thing. Heck, for a release this monumental, they might as well just devote the entire book to it this month. And next month.

The release closes with a quote from the magazine's editor, Neil Long.

“Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a very special game and to celebrate that we’ve done something very special with this issue. The top notch packaging and different magazine covers reflect the breathtaking quality and diversity within Miyamoto’s latest masterpiece. Combined with several other new projects we’re working on at the moment, it’s an exciting time to be at Official Nintendo Magazine.”

I sympathize with Mr. Long here, as this whole press release seems like something an editorial staff would have nothing to do with. He probably just picked his head up off of his desk one morning to see some excitable marketing person standing there, ranting about multiple covers and getting quotes approved for a press release. Sensing a pounding hangover coming on, he probably said "sure, sure, whatever you need to write, go ahead" and went back to sitting in the darkness. At least, that's how it always happened to me. Next thing I knew, photos of me with soda logos where my eyes should be were circulating around the office as part of some crazy sales pitch, and I decided to start paying more attention in meetings.

OK, so, let's reflect on what we've learned about the next Mario game:

  • It's the "latest Miyamoto masterpiece."
  • It's big enough to warrant 10 pages of review coverage.
  • It's eventful enough to warrant six different covers, one of which is exclusive to subscribers.
  • It contains "breathtaking quality and diversity."
  • The Official Nintendo Magazine review is the "only review that matters."

Be sure to keep all that in mind when all of the other completely useless, unofficial, and non-exclusive reviews start hitting closer to the game's May 23 street date. Jeff Gerstmann on Google+
348 Comments
Posted by BigChief

Ha hah, weird, clearly there's no conflict of interests or anything here. I mean, Mario Galaxy 2 is probably gonna be a great game, but ten pages? Ten? What could they possibly have to say that would fill ten pages? And seriously, giving the game a 6/10 after all this would probably be the best thing ever; image the looks on the faces of all the fanboys.

Posted by Sideburn

Reminds me of the old days of press from the 1990s - the only people who read "official" mags are fan boys of that platform who are reading what they want to read.

Posted by Moridin

Apparently we live in some bizarro world where it takes 10 pages to say "yo, it's pretty good."

Posted by EthanML

So I'm guessing Jeff's having a bad day...

Posted by Crono

But seriously... what the hell will they have to say over 10 pages?  Probably a lot of picture filler.

Edited by dvorak
@BenderUnit22 said:

" Takes them 10 pages to say "Yo, did you like Super Mario Galaxy? Guess what" "

This just in, an exclusive quote from this month's issue of ONM.  
 
"DID YOU PLAY MIYAMOTO'S LAST MASTERPEICE, MULTI-MILLION SYSTEM SELLER SUPER MARIO GALAXY!? WELL GET READY TO LOSE YOUR GOD DAMNED MIND!"
Posted by odintal

It's enough to make me wish that reviews couldn't be posted until the release day.

Posted by gas24

Well put Jeff. Here's my view of another of Future's 'review' products:  FirstPlay on PS3

Posted by PK_Koopa
@Eidderf said:
" It's a shame the UK Official Nintendo Magazine became pretty much Nintendo propaganda, it was actually pretty reasonable with it's scores until all the former staff members at one point were suddenly swapped for new guys and began giving every game with a vague relation to Mario top scores. "
Yeah I remember Nintendo Official magazine (NOM).  They were awesome.  =D
Its a shame that they got rid of the old writers and replaced em with these ones. While the old ones did love Mario, they were actually realistic with its review scores and were actually kind of funny.
God I hate Official Nintendo Magazine (ONM). Their humour isn't as good and have an obvious obsession with Mario.
Posted by Spoonman671

What the fuck is Official Nintendo Magazine?  What happened to Nintendo Power?

Posted by Milkman

You know a magazine is good when it has a game company's name in the title.

Online
Posted by Nario

 "Hooray, the latest Mario masterpiece is here, collect all six covers and read our 10-pager, and then at the end see that we've given it a 6/10 because it's somewhat middling! The only review that matters!"
 
This made me laugh so hard. haha! That was a good one, Jeff. :)

Posted by ArchScabby

Well guess I'm leaving Giantbomb since Nintendo Power's review is the only review that matters.

Posted by EVO

I dunno about you guys, but 10 pages of Mario would've made me cream my pants as a kid. 
 
That is if I could cream my pants as a kid.

Posted by Jeffsekai
@MrYevrah said:
" @Tesla: yes@Tesla said:
" Jeff Gerstmann's review of this review is the only review that matters. "
yes. "
I support this
Posted by MarkWahlberg

Is Nintendo magazine supposed to be anything besides a propaganda rag? Unless my perception of it is very off base. This is silly, yes, but is it really that suprising?

Posted by MattyFTM

I used to read the Official Nintendo Magazine. I stopped when I noticed shit like this becoming more and more frequent. It was a decent magazine, with informative stuff. Obviously it was biased towards Nintendo products, but that's fine, I knew that & took that into account when reading it. But stuff like this kept happening and it was just overkill. I expect a bit of bias from an official magazine, but they just took it waaaaay too far.

Moderator Online
Posted by fjor
@EthanielRain said:
" You are being a bit of a dick - AFAIK Nintendo Magazine is mostly aimed at little kids, and when I was little I couldn't get enough Mario - but in a funny and justified way :O) "
this
Posted by cooljammer00

It's Spiderman 3 week/Kane and Lynch at Gamespot all over again. 
 
Hype for weeks!  And a middling or downright bad review.

Posted by blaakmawf

 "I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes..." 

Posted by Evadrion

It's marketing. If it's a press release on the web it's just essentially an announcement plagued with marketing. Usually paper editors and other sources won't accept it if it's chock-full of "buy our product!" but if you're just releasing it on your website? It's more marketing than announcement.
 
That being said that's a terrible press release. Like, goddamn. I just wrote one for the company I'm working for and it doesn't come off half as douchebag as that. Though there's not much that can be douched up in compliance software solutions. :|

Posted by ArbitraryWater

The thing is, Official Magazines for any specific console are always propaganda, and always have been. However, in terms of blatancy and obviousness, I think that this takes the cake by a landsilde. The only thing that comes close recently is the Famitsu MGS Peacewalker ordeal.

Posted by SuperfluousMoniker
@CornontheCobbe:  The magazine has 6 covers, not the game. They aren't pulling a Blizzard.
Posted by LordAndrew

In Retro Game Challenge, the fictional GameFan Magazine was continuing their coverage of Guadia Quest four months after release. This is what I'm hoping ONM will do. Give us our six covers and our ten-page review of the game, and then keep it coming for the next four months. That would be awesome.

Posted by shockingalberto

Well, I mean, it's called Official Nintendo Magazine.  They exist as an advertorial, not an objective magazine.  Which, yeah, they should be more upfront about it.  But the magazine is run by British eight year-olds, so what are you going to do?  If what you take issue with is their hyperbole, then go nuts.  But it just seems a little crazy, because who honestly expects objectivity from Official Nintendo Magazine?

Posted by zitosilva

The weird thing is, I kinda would get all this crazyness if it was about the first Mario Galaxy. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure Galaxy 2 will be good, but come on! I don't see people giving a tenth of the importance they gave to the first one, and I believe this is fair.

Posted by Mercanis

Giant Bomb, continue to expose such madness.

Posted by LordAndrew
@Spoonman671 said:
" What the fuck is Official Nintendo Magazine?  What happened to Nintendo Power? "
Nintendo Power still exists. It's not published in the UK though. Official Nintendo Magazine is.
Posted by JonathanMoore

Oh jeez, Official Nintendo Magazine... no one likes that down here in the UK, we just stick to the Internet, like anyone born post 1990.

Posted by niamahai

i once saw PC Gamer devote AN ENTIRE ISSUE for WoW: Wrath of the Lich King..
 
madness.

Edited by raiz265
@Atomasist said:

" All hail the great Miyamoto. "

_o/
Posted by Kyou

Oh my god, the Official Nintendo Magazine is excited about a new Mario game
 
stop the godamn presses

Posted by billyhoush

I dunno, duder. I think if I was a Nintendo fanboy I would be pretty fucking excited about Galaxy 2. 
 
Fuck, I know I am and I hate EVERYTHING.

Posted by demontium

This review will be objective.

Edited by Brackynews

Phwoario.
In order to be a qualified UK magazine review it must also include the words "cor blimey" and "phwoar" at least once per page. Preferably in a sexually suggestive photo caption that makes no sense.
 
@LordAndrew said:

"Nintendo Power still exists. It's not published in the UK though. Official Nintendo Magazine is. "

NP is still the title but its soul died long ago. Future has been publishing in both regions for a couple of years now.
Posted by BowieZ

Gee. How cynical have we become?

Posted by MikkaQ

Y'know it was more disturbing to hear it being called the "latest and greatest" mario game more than calling it "another miyamoto masterpiece". 

Posted by Brunchies

It's called "Official Nintendo magazine" so this should kind of be expected.

Posted by Xeiphyer

Thats pretty fucking amazing. I would be totally cool with them flipping out over this game because, frankly, it looks great.  HOWEVER, as soon as they declare that their review is 'the only one that matters', is when I official give them a big pile of 'Fuck Off'. Saying that is just obnoxious and full of douchebaggery. 
 
But really, who buys that mag anyways.

Posted by SubaS77
@LordXavierBritish:

I would assume so.. kinda like how 90% of the users of this site take turns sucking off the Giant bomb crew.
Posted by Willy105

I wish real game journalists gave 10 page reviews of games.
 
SHAME ON YOU JOURNALISTS.

Posted by Willy105
@MarkWahlberg said:
" Is Nintendo magazine supposed to be anything besides a propaganda rag? Unless my perception of it is very off base. This is silly, yes, but is it really that suprising? "
Unless you are Nintendo Power, which suddenly the smallest thing bout a game is a total sin and should be burned at a stake. 
 
No, but really, Nintendo Power is too harsh.
Posted by Asadasa5

I'd like to see giant bomb press releases.

Posted by MitchyD

Jeff, I could not love and respect you more. This is brilliant. Thanks for acknowledging and detailing this. Hilarious piece of top-notch industry criticism. :)

Edited by Lokno

That brings me back. I remember reading the Twilight Princess developer spots Nintendo Power printed every month for nearly a year leading up to the game's release. TP was very disappointing to me, and it had a lot to do with the expectations I formed reading all those artists play up the game as the absolute zenith of their collective careers. Looking forward to SMG2, though, and I'm glad not to be reading a thing about it.

Posted by Coombs
@punkxblaze said:
" Herp derp. "
Derp Herpa!!! Der Her Herpa.
Posted by Anathem

Reminds me of the time that that one site ran a whole BUNCH of advertising for a game and some reviewer gave it 6 out of 10... 
 
Keep fighting the good fight, Jeff.

Posted by ch3burashka

A good 7/10 game.

Posted by sickVisionz
@SubaS77 said:
" @LordXavierBritish: I would assume so.. kinda like how 90% of the users of this site take turns sucking off the Giant bomb crew. "
LOL.  This is even funnier when couple of posts later you get this: 
@MitchyD
said:
" Jeff, I could not love and respect you more. "
Posted by ashogo

This is a game magazine we're talking about. A 10-page review probably means a 2 page spread of mario with a caption, followed by 4 pages worth of actual review padded with 4 pages worth of pictures and bolded quotes of words we've just read.