I'm sorry, but this Ubi conference was hot trash. I'm not being hyperbolic when I say it's the worst I can remember seeing. No, there weren't that many cringe moments, paid cosplayers, etc., but in terms of actual substance, hoo boy.
The conference opened with an Assassin's Creed Symphony. As someone who both enjoys orchestras and several of the AC games and is also well-aware that Jesper Kyd's AC soundtracks do have some quality tracks, I should have been the audience for this, but the arrangements here weren't even particularly great. Moreover, it was confusing because I think the expectation was that it was setting up some new game or AC collection, but instead it was an ad for the symphony tour, which felt oddly tangential. We'll revisit that later.
Watch Dogs 3 started to look fairly promising. Conceptually, the idea of all the playable NPCs is terrific, and granny bustin' heads was amusing, but I'm extremely skeptical of how fleshed out they'll be. They're likely to be husks, and there's a weirdly unsettling vibe in general about the "good guys" just carelessly throwing bodies at their cause that Ubi is unlikely to address. I wanted to get excited again by some cool-looking John Wick-style combat, but then as the demo quickly devolved into a standard Ubi third-person shooter, my excitement dwindled away. Additionally, the "British" accents were terrible. WD3 at least looks ambitious and theoretically kinda neat, but this appears to be a prime "most disappointing" candidate in terms of what we'll actually get as a game.
Then we have Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia show up for an ad for a TV show, which was a giant WTF. It's Always Sunny has had its moments, but I don't know that I can get all that excited about the actors' projects beyond that show, save maybe the always-great Danny Devito. Asking Rob McElhenney to carry a show seems like a lot to hope for, and the show itself didn't look particularly funny at all. Again, this felt like an odd tangent at best, with the only real tie-in to video games being that the show is apparently going for a Silicon Valley thing about a made-up game. I guess it's fine if they want to try something like this, but this is not the kind of thing that I hope to see at E3.
Next up came an attempt to hype the E-Sports scene for Siege and a "celebrity showdown", which was ugh. This was at least mercifully brief, but then there was the Adventure Time Brawlhalla thing, which definitely also wasn't for me. I'm actively trying to remember here that just because things aren't for me doesn't mean they aren't for anyone, and I genuinely hope people enjoy this stuff, but I'm just not the audience here, so it didn't move the needle for me even a little bit.
This was followed by a Ghost Recon bit that didn't tell us much more than their big reveal thing a while back did. Jon Bernthal is still being Jon Bernthal and at least seems like a good choice for what they're going for, and I guess it's cool that he showed up with his very good doggo (whose appearance may well have been the highlight of the entire show), but man, that sleepy dawg perfectly illustrated my feelings about this series at this point. It's another mildly confusing series where the "good guys" kinda unintentionally seem a lot like the bad guys. I think I'm getting serious fatigue with the "black ops badass" thing, and it doesn't help that seemingly the main good guy is this bearded, hulkish walking stereotype of a SEAL that feels like he fell out of a 2004 video game.
Then they had a girl come out and push their Ghost Recon fan forum, which, great, I guess? Maybe there's some amazingly engaged Ghost Recon community I'm not aware of, but this just seems like standard fare for most AAA titles at this point, so touting the existence of a message board isn't some mind-blowing thing. Then, as if that wasn't enough, they had another guy come out and tout the Ghost Recon website. These are not impressive things, guys. This is not worth stage time. Oh, and also something Terminator, because that franchise is apparently going to completely whore itself out.
Next up comes a lame-ass mobile RPG featuring characters from Ubi properties, which probably mostly aren't nearly as "iconic" as Ubi thinks they are. Here we reach the point where they completely lost me, because the one character that maybe is in Sam Fisher makes a brief appearance here. All that I and many other wanted from this conference was the announcement of a new Splinter Cell game, as perhaps Ubi's best property has been wasting away for years. Instead we get a borderline insulting reminder that yes, Ubi still has Splinter Cell, but sees fit to make Sam Fisher just another character in this throwaway trash mobile game. Fuck this.
(NOTE: The original three Splinter Cell games actually just became available on Xbox One backwards compatibility! Thank God I can at least play these classics again, because Ubi doesn't seem interested in doing anything with this franchise going forward.)
Then we got the annual cheesy Just Dance segment, which stopped being fun and amusing some time ago, replete with an overhype intro of the very concept of dancing. I genuinely couldn't tell if this was trying to be serious or not, and honestly, I don't really care. These games are what they fucking are and don't need to be advertised at this point. It was just more needless filler in a conference that was rife with it. Good to know I can still dust off my Wii to play it, though.
After that we get a short segment on a For Honor "limited-time event" that looks heavily inspired by Sekiro. My question is who the fuck wants a "limited-time event" for something like this? It ain't a goddamn elusive target; this is a thing that some poor devs probably slaved over that's apparently going to vanish into the ether soon for....reasons? Just add it to the fucking game and keep it there. Christ, I hate this "live content" shit.
Then Rainbow Six goes full zambies. Fuck off. Fuck right off. Take the Tom Clancy name off this right goddamn now. Anyone who remembers John Clark, Ding Chavez, et al. should boycott the fuck out of this on sheer principle. Well, at least that's what I'm going to do. I guess others are free to like or not like Rainbow Six: Zambies, but this is the icing on the fucking shit cake for me in terms of Ubi ruining their own franchises by turning them into shit that doesn't remotely represent the source material. They're just slapping beloved names on whatever their latest thing is, and fuck that.
As if I weren't angry enough, this is followed by the cringefest that is streamers, cosplayers, and characters emoting in a compilation that is everything I hate about the current state of videogames. Then Ubi goes into some Division 2 shit and the GB stream dies. I assume I didn't actually miss anything worthwhile here, and I honestly can't bring myself to care enough to go look. I'm guessing the Division 2 showed off its mildly different setting, which is meh.
Next up is a rollerball game that might have been cool in a world where Rocket League doesn't exist. Except Rocket League does exist, so anyone interested in this should probably just play Rocket League instead. Also, why the fuck did every game Ubi showed have a post-segment trailer for the same thing they just showed you and told you about? Oh, right. Padding. Following Ubi's Rocket League clone was their Breath of the Wild clone. Yay for things that don't need to exist!
Then it hard cuts to the "celebrity showdown" of some Twitch streamers vs. T-Pain & Lil Yachty, the latter of whom I didn't know existed until this very moment. GB is (rightfully) unsure if the conference is even over because everything else was so fucking haphazard that this somehow doesn't feel out of place. Once it becomes clear that the conference is actually over, GB thankfully bounces out.
Good Lord. Some of my annoyance with this show is admittedly personal preference stuff, but this was a bad time. On the spectrum of things getting worked up about, this should also probably fall way below how apoplectic I'm being about it, but for fuck's sake. It was like they made this specifically to be the polar opposite of what I wanted. Maybe I'm just getting to be a curmudgeon here at 34, or maybe Ubi really is shit now. Probably both.
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