Why Eternal Sonata is the worst game ever made.

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Posted by SecondPersonShooter (616 posts) -

Too many arguments are made where there is no clear verdict. Time after time people will brush each other's rebuttals off as "just opinion". I'm going to say this up front, this blog is not an opinion, it is cold, hard, fact. You cannot argue with anything I say, because it is the truth. Sure your natural human instincts may drive you to fight off the following article by denying the truth of it, but that's all that it is, denial. It's one of the five stages of grief and I will accept it as such, knowing that you will also reach acceptance at the end of the long, dark road ahead of you. Now that that's all out of the way, it's time to begin my completely fact-based blog which will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Eternal Sonata is, in fact, a cancer to what we call "video gaming"

The Characters

The characters of Eternal Sonata are as good of a place as any to start this detailed and fair analysis of the game. In the beginning, you play as a young girl named Polka, presumably about eight years old. Clearly, the reason the developers of the game did this was because they wanted to alienate every single person that will ever play the game by designing a main character that is the exact opposite of anyone who would ever consider purchasing it. As we all know, the target demographic for video games are males ages 14-26. They don't buy games to play as little girls that look like a less sexy version of Sailor Moon, they buy them to have rabid power fantasies as manly men that tear down walls by looking at them intensely and use human faces as a base for pole-vaulting with their massive endowments. Unfortunately, none of that appears in Eternal Sonata. Instead, you get a little girl trying to cart off her shady-ass "floral powder" on everyone she meets, under the pretense that it will heal your pain, but apparently not as well as the government mandated "mineral-powder." Now let's face it polka, everyone uses mineral powder because it works better, and it's sold to them by a trusted source, rather than a terminally ill little girl on the street. You shouldn't be so upset that you can't make friends when you're the one person trying to cart off some weak-as-shit earth-grown drug on people that are hyped up from snorting crushed up minerals. This brings me to my next problem with the narrative in Eternal Sonata.

The Blatant Subliminal Messaging

Yep. Floral powder is Marijuana. This game glorifies the use of the documented #1 cause of death among young teens. Not only that, but it also tells you to defy your government even when they attempt to give you something safer and more effective. If Floral Powder is marijuana, than Mineral Powder is most certainly cocaine. In Eternal Sonata overextended use of Mineral Powder will turn you into a zombie-like creature, or something like that I really don't care, I was too busy reading my back-issues of Natural Bodybuilding magazine during the cutscenes to really get a firm grasp on whatever communist propaganda they were trying to throw at me. Let me tell you, cocaine will not turn you into a zombie. Cocaine is developed by registered scientists in well-equipped laboratories across the globe. Do you know what scientists have invented? Aspirin, Tylenol, Adderall, and Steroids come to mind. Those are all great inventions, especially when blended together and drank with vodka. Marijuana on the other hand, is grown from the earth. What has the earth invented? Poison Ivy, sharp sticks, and that tree-rape scene from the first Evil Dead movie are probably the first things on everybody's mind. Not so great when compared to science, huh?

But in the end, not even the game takes it's message seriously, because in the end, nothing matters.

In the end, it doesn't even matter

Yeah, I took that header from Linkin Park. They're kind of my favorite band, much better than anything Frederic Chopin ever composed. See, this game apparently all takes place in side of the mind of this Choppin' guy, who is a french composer or something. It really makes no sense in the end, as they never explain why he was so infatuated with watching a small girl slowly die inside of his mind. He just kind of dies peacefully and then plays piano as a ghost while all the characters in the game stare you dead in the face and yell morals at you over the credits. It probably would have been much cooler to be inside the minds of Linkin Park. Then we'd probably have giant Transformer battles set to Numb while Megan Fox dances naked in the background. I would play that video game. I think everyone pretty much would.

So in conclusion, I think I've pretty much proven my point about why Eternal Sonata is the worst game ever made. If you still want to argue that there are worse games than Eternal Sonata, you can go do it in the comments, but you're just making a fool out of yourself, as this argument is pretty bullet-proof. If you think Eternal Sonata is somehow a good game, I advise you to start back up at the top and read the entire thesis again. I'll see you down here at the bottom.

#1 Edited by SecondPersonShooter (616 posts) -

Too many arguments are made where there is no clear verdict. Time after time people will brush each other's rebuttals off as "just opinion". I'm going to say this up front, this blog is not an opinion, it is cold, hard, fact. You cannot argue with anything I say, because it is the truth. Sure your natural human instincts may drive you to fight off the following article by denying the truth of it, but that's all that it is, denial. It's one of the five stages of grief and I will accept it as such, knowing that you will also reach acceptance at the end of the long, dark road ahead of you. Now that that's all out of the way, it's time to begin my completely fact-based blog which will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Eternal Sonata is, in fact, a cancer to what we call "video gaming"

The Characters

The characters of Eternal Sonata are as good of a place as any to start this detailed and fair analysis of the game. In the beginning, you play as a young girl named Polka, presumably about eight years old. Clearly, the reason the developers of the game did this was because they wanted to alienate every single person that will ever play the game by designing a main character that is the exact opposite of anyone who would ever consider purchasing it. As we all know, the target demographic for video games are males ages 14-26. They don't buy games to play as little girls that look like a less sexy version of Sailor Moon, they buy them to have rabid power fantasies as manly men that tear down walls by looking at them intensely and use human faces as a base for pole-vaulting with their massive endowments. Unfortunately, none of that appears in Eternal Sonata. Instead, you get a little girl trying to cart off her shady-ass "floral powder" on everyone she meets, under the pretense that it will heal your pain, but apparently not as well as the government mandated "mineral-powder." Now let's face it polka, everyone uses mineral powder because it works better, and it's sold to them by a trusted source, rather than a terminally ill little girl on the street. You shouldn't be so upset that you can't make friends when you're the one person trying to cart off some weak-as-shit earth-grown drug on people that are hyped up from snorting crushed up minerals. This brings me to my next problem with the narrative in Eternal Sonata.

The Blatant Subliminal Messaging

Yep. Floral powder is Marijuana. This game glorifies the use of the documented #1 cause of death among young teens. Not only that, but it also tells you to defy your government even when they attempt to give you something safer and more effective. If Floral Powder is marijuana, than Mineral Powder is most certainly cocaine. In Eternal Sonata overextended use of Mineral Powder will turn you into a zombie-like creature, or something like that I really don't care, I was too busy reading my back-issues of Natural Bodybuilding magazine during the cutscenes to really get a firm grasp on whatever communist propaganda they were trying to throw at me. Let me tell you, cocaine will not turn you into a zombie. Cocaine is developed by registered scientists in well-equipped laboratories across the globe. Do you know what scientists have invented? Aspirin, Tylenol, Adderall, and Steroids come to mind. Those are all great inventions, especially when blended together and drank with vodka. Marijuana on the other hand, is grown from the earth. What has the earth invented? Poison Ivy, sharp sticks, and that tree-rape scene from the first Evil Dead movie are probably the first things on everybody's mind. Not so great when compared to science, huh?

But in the end, not even the game takes it's message seriously, because in the end, nothing matters.

In the end, it doesn't even matter

Yeah, I took that header from Linkin Park. They're kind of my favorite band, much better than anything Frederic Chopin ever composed. See, this game apparently all takes place in side of the mind of this Choppin' guy, who is a french composer or something. It really makes no sense in the end, as they never explain why he was so infatuated with watching a small girl slowly die inside of his mind. He just kind of dies peacefully and then plays piano as a ghost while all the characters in the game stare you dead in the face and yell morals at you over the credits. It probably would have been much cooler to be inside the minds of Linkin Park. Then we'd probably have giant Transformer battles set to Numb while Megan Fox dances naked in the background. I would play that video game. I think everyone pretty much would.

So in conclusion, I think I've pretty much proven my point about why Eternal Sonata is the worst game ever made. If you still want to argue that there are worse games than Eternal Sonata, you can go do it in the comments, but you're just making a fool out of yourself, as this argument is pretty bullet-proof. If you think Eternal Sonata is somehow a good game, I advise you to start back up at the top and read the entire thesis again. I'll see you down here at the bottom.

#2 Posted by PixelPrinny (1030 posts) -

You could say it's an eternal sonata of suckage! amirite??

#3 Posted by supermike6 (3556 posts) -

Ha. This is good, keep it up.

#4 Posted by SirOptimusPrime (1993 posts) -

I can't tell if this is ham-fisted or just stupid. 
 
Either way, keep on keepin' on dude. 

#5 Posted by Shirogane (3568 posts) -

Wait, so you're telling me i should actually buy and play this game? 
 
Oh wait, sorry, totally read all that wrong, my bad, continue on. 
 
 
And don't we already have a Transformers game like that? I'm sure at least one of them matches taht description...
#6 Posted by UlquioKani (1044 posts) -

This is a joke right. I can't tell

#7 Posted by FritzDude (2262 posts) -

Bulletproof? We'll see about that... 
 
*Grabbing a rocket launcher* 
 

    

#8 Posted by Ghostiet (5245 posts) -

Bravo, good sir. Bra-fucking-vo.

#9 Posted by Damian (1538 posts) -

HA! 
You haven't even gotten to the worst part! I was totally about to release a board game called Eternally Sonata, but because of this interactive shit-stain you'll never see it!

#10 Posted by Bollard (5423 posts) -
@SecondPersonShooter said:

Let me tell you, cocaine will not turn you into a zombie. Cocaine is developed by registered scientists in well-equipped laboaratories across the globe. Do you know what scientists have invented? Aspirin, Tylenol, Adderall, and Steroids come to mind. Those are all great inventions, especially when blended together and drank with vodka. Marijuana on the other hand, is grown from the earth. What has the earth invented? Poison Ivy, sharp sticks, and that tree-rape scene from the first Evil Dead movie are probably the first things on everybody's mind. Not so great when compared to science, huh?

I got this far before I realised you were taking the piss, brilliant work! (The tree-rape scene from the Evil Dead was the final straw haha)
Online
#11 Posted by FCKSNAP (2299 posts) -

I get it. I mean, I think I do. Wait, are you for or against Casey Anthony's acquittal?

#12 Posted by coakroach (2490 posts) -

  

  That was brilliant, thank you
#13 Posted by Vonocourt (2125 posts) -

So...hah hah?

#14 Posted by punpun (232 posts) -

That was just plain dumb, sorry.

#15 Edited by Danteveli (1174 posts) -

I would love to live in unoverse where Eternal Sonata is worst game ever made.
 
Great to be you in that magic land

#16 Posted by JackSukeru (5909 posts) -

What colour is the sky in your world?

#17 Posted by eldiax (632 posts) -
 Linkin Park? Seriously?
#18 Posted by FirePrince (1763 posts) -

That was awesome. You made me laugh.

#19 Posted by Ramone (2961 posts) -

Well done sir.

#20 Posted by Elazul (1327 posts) -
@SecondPersonShooter said:

 You cannot argume with anything I say, because it is the truth.

I made it this far.
#21 Posted by Hargreaves93 (234 posts) -

A good read haha but I've played Eternal Sonata and I'm not gonna lie, I actually rather enjoyed it. Enjoyed up to the point where the ending ruined it haha!
#22 Posted by Cincaid (2956 posts) -

@Elazul said:

@SecondPersonShooter said:

You cannot argume with anything I say, because it is the truth.

I made it this far.

Well. Can you really argume with him?

#23 Posted by ch3burashka (5040 posts) -

HEY YOU MOTHERFU- 
 
Oh, oh wait.

#24 Posted by OmegaChosen (644 posts) -

Tell me about your mother.

#25 Posted by Damian (1538 posts) -

Some of y'all seem a bit lost. Here's a map: 
 

#26 Posted by ikwal (225 posts) -

Linkin Park is your favorite band? Wow...

#27 Posted by buft (3315 posts) -
@Damian said:
HA! You haven't even gotten to the worst part! I was totally about to release a board game called Eternally Sonata, but because of this interactive shit-stain you'll never see it!
im so sorry for you, perhaps there are some people in portugal who can teach you the ways
#28 Edited by mutha3 (4985 posts) -

ignoring......whatever that op was, its title rings at least partially true.
 
I have NEVER played a JRPG which combat system mechanically dumbs down as you play more of it until this game.
 
Also, 10 minute death scene.

#29 Posted by AlisterCat (5531 posts) -

I thought you were serious right up until the last paragraph... and I am glad you're just trolling.

#30 Posted by punpun (232 posts) -

I bet the OP thinks he's fucking hilarious.
 
@AlisterCat said:

I thought you were serious right up until the last paragraph...


are you autistic?
#31 Posted by AlisterCat (5531 posts) -

@punpun said:

I bet the OP thinks he's fucking hilarious.

@AlisterCat said:

I thought you were serious right up until the last paragraph...

are you autistic?

No, but thanks for asking.

#32 Posted by SecondPersonShooter (616 posts) -
@punpun said:
That was just plain dumb, sorry.
Apology accepted. 
#33 Posted by SolongWrex (150 posts) -

I was with you until Linkin Park. Unless that's part of the joke too. In that case, well done.

#34 Posted by Catolf (2653 posts) -

lol.....yeahhhh

#35 Edited by Chop (1996 posts) -

Even though this is sarcastic, I think Eternal Sonata actually is one of the worst games this gen or at least one of the most boring. 

#36 Posted by SomeJerk (3212 posts) -

Hey.

Hey.

Know what I picked up instead of Eternal Sonata?

Star Ocean 4: The Last Hope

It was a good choice and I need to make a lengthy blog post about that game because holy shit it's scarier than the Silent Hill series.

#37 Posted by Aegon (5484 posts) -

This reminds me, I need to finish this game. 

#38 Posted by ryanwho (12082 posts) -

Let's read nothing but the title and respond: official thread.

#39 Posted by SecondPersonShooter (616 posts) -

I guess now that the speculation has built up over months and months, I can put an end to all of these rumors.

I started writing this blog fully intending to talk about why I didn't like Eternal Sonata (and I legitimately don't), but once I started writing I just kind of decided I wanted to fuck with people.

But if anyone legitimately wants to talk about how Eternal Sonata is a terribly overrated game, I am down.

#40 Posted by Juicebox (485 posts) -

Stopped reading when u demonized Marijuana. Grow up kiddo.

#41 Posted by Chop (1996 posts) -

@SecondPersonShooter said:

I guess now that the speculation has built up over months and months, I can put an end to all of these rumors.

I started writing this blog fully intending to talk about why I didn't like Eternal Sonata (and I legitimately don't), but once I started writing I just kind of decided I wanted to fuck with people.

But if anyone legitimately wants to talk about how Eternal Sonata is a terribly overrated game, I am down.

It's not really rated all that highly is it? But sure, I'll argue with anyone who thinks the game is more than garbage.

#42 Edited by AndrewB (7574 posts) -
#43 Posted by chrispti (214 posts) -

give me my 5 minutes back

#44 Posted by Mesoian (1574 posts) -

@SecondPersonShooter: 3/10. Had to read to the end to figure out if it was an actual troll.

#45 Posted by Hailinel (24381 posts) -

It may be a troll post, but I love that game.

Online
#46 Posted by DocHaus (1325 posts) -

Thank you to whoever it was that revived a half-year-old topic. I lol'd.

#47 Posted by nail1080 (1975 posts) -
Drug/ChemicalAction/Clinical UsePlant Source
AcetyldigoxinCardiotonicDigitalis lanata
AdonisideCardiotonicAdonis vernalis
AescinAnti-inflammatoryAesculus hippocastanum
AesculetinAnti-dysenteryFrazinus rhychophylla
AgrimopholAnthelminticAgrimonia supatoria
AjmalicineCirculatory DisordersRauvolfia sepentina
AllantoinVulnerarySeveral plants
Allyl isothiocyanateRubefacientBrassica nigra
AnabesineSkeletal muscle relaxantAnabasis sphylla
AndrographolideBaccillary dysenteryAndrographis paniculata
AnisodamineAnticholinergicAnisodus tanguticus
AnisodineAnticholinergicAnisodus tanguticus
ArecolineAnthelminticAreca catechu
AsiaticosideVulneraryCentella asiatica
AtropineAnticholinergicAtropa belladonna
Benzyl benzoateScabicideSeveral plants
BerberineBacillary dysenteryBerberis vulgaris
BergeninAntitussiveArdisia japonica
Betulinic acidAnticancerousBetula alba
BorneolAntipyretic, analgesic, antiinflammatorySeveral plants
BromelainAnti-inflammatory, proteolyticAnanas comosus
CaffeineCNS stimulantCamellia sinensis
CamphorRubefacientCinnamomum camphora
CamptothecinAnticancerousCamptotheca acuminata
(+)-CatechinHaemostaticPotentilla fragarioides
ChymopapainProteolytic, mucolyticCarica papaya
CissampelineSkeletal muscle relaxantCissampelos pareira
CocaineLocal anaestheticErythroxylum coca
CodeineAnalgesic, antitussivePapaver somniferum
Colchiceine amideAntitumor agentColchicum autumnale
ColchicineAntitumor agent, anti-goutColchicum autumnale
ConvallatoxinCardiotonicConvallaria majalis
CurcuminCholereticCurcuma longa
CynarinCholereticCynara scolymus
DanthronLaxativeCassia species
DemecolcineAntitumor agentColchicum autumnale
DeserpidineAntihypertensive, tranquillizerRauvolfia canescens
DeslanosideCardiotonicDigitalis lanata
L-DopaAnti-parkinsonismMucuna sp
DigitalinCardiotonicDigitalis purpurea
DigitoxinCardiotonicDigitalis purpurea
DigoxinCardiotonicDigitalis purpurea
EmetineAmoebicide, emeticCephaelis ipecacuanha
EphedrineSympathomimetic, antihistamineEphedra sinica
EtoposideAntitumor agentPodophyllum peltatum
GalanthamineCholinesterase inhibitorLycoris squamigera
GitalinCardiotonicDigitalis purpurea
GlaucarubinAmoebicideSimarouba glauca
GlaucineAntitussiveGlaucium flavum
GlasiovineAntidepressantOctea glaziovii
GlycyrrhizinSweetener, Addison's diseaseGlycyrrhiza glabra
GossypolMale contraceptiveGossypium species
HemsleyadinBacillary dysenteryHemsleya amabilis
HesperidinCapillary fragilityCitrus species
HydrastineHemostatic, astringentHydrastis canadensis
HyoscyamineAnticholinergicHyoscyamus niger
IrinotecanAnticancer, antitumor agentCamptotheca acuminata
Kaibic acudAscaricideDigenea simplex
KawainTranquillizerPiper methysticum
KheltinBronchodilatorAmmi visaga
Lanatosides A, B, CCardiotonicDigitalis lanata
LapacholAnticancer, antitumorTabebuia sp.
a-LobelineSmoking deterrant, respiratory stimulantLobelia inflata
MentholRubefacientMentha species
Methyl salicylateRubefacientGaultheria procumbens
MonocrotalineAntitumor agent (topical)Crotalaria sessiliflora
MorphineAnalgesicPapaver somniferum
NeoandrographolideDysenteryAndrographis paniculata
NicotineInsecticideNicotiana tabacum
Nordihydroguaiaretic acidAntioxidantLarrea divaricata
NoscapineAntitussivePapaver somniferum
OuabainCardiotonicStrophanthus gratus
PachycarpineOxytocicSophora pschycarpa
PalmatineAntipyretic, detoxicantCoptis japonica
PapainProteolytic, mucolyticCarica papaya
PapavarineSmooth muscle relaxantPapaver somniferum
PhyllodulcinSweetnerHydrangea macrophylla
PhysostigmineCholinesterase InhibitorPhysostigma venenosum
PicrotoxinAnalepticAnamirta cocculus
PilocarpineParasympathomimeticPilocarpus jaborandi
PinitolExpectorantSeveral plants
PodophyllotoxinAntitumor anticancer agentPodophyllum peltatum
Protoveratrines A, BAntihypertensivesVeratrum album
Pseudoephredrine*SympathomimeticEphedra sinica
Pseudoephedrine, nor-SympathomimeticEphedra sinica
QuinidineAntiarrhythmicCinchona ledgeriana
QuinineAntimalarial, antipyreticCinchona ledgeriana
Qulsqualic acidAnthelminticQuisqualis indica
RescinnamineAntihypertensive, tranquillizerRauvolfia serpentina
ReserpineAntihypertensive, tranquillizerRauvolfia serpentina
RhomitoxinAntihypertensive, tranquillizerRhododendron molle
RorifoneAntitussiveRorippa indica
RotenonePiscicide, InsecticideLonchocarpus nicou
RotundineAnalagesic, sedative, traquillizerStephania sinica
RutinCapillary fragilityCitrus species
SalicinAnalgesicSalix alba
SanguinarineDental plaque inhibitorSanguinaria canadensis
SantoninAscaricideArtemisia maritma
Scillarin ACardiotonicUrginea maritima
ScopolamineSedativeDatura species
Sennosides A, BLaxativeCassia species
SilymarinAntihepatotoxicSilybum marianum
SparteineOxytocicCytisus scoparius
SteviosideSweetnerStevia rebaudiana
StrychnineCNS stimulantStrychnos nux-vomica
TaxolAntitumor agentTaxus brevifolia
TeniposideAntitumor agentPodophyllum peltatum
a-Tetrahydrocannabinol(THC)Antiemetic, decrease occular tensionCannabis sativa
TetrahydropalmatineAnalgesic, sedative, traquillizerCorydalis ambigua
TetrandrineAntihypertensiveStephania tetrandra
TheobromineDiuretic, vasodilatorTheobroma cacao
TheophyllineDiuretic, brochodilatorTheobroma cacao and others
ThymolAntifungal (topical)Thymus vulgaris
TopotecanAntitumor, anticancer agentCamptotheca acuminata
TrichosanthinAbortifacientTrichosanthes kirilowii
TubocurarineSkeletal muscle relaxantChondodendron tomentosum
ValapotriatesSedativeValeriana officinalis
VasicineCerebral stimulantVinca minor
VinblastineAntitumor, Antileukemic agentCatharanthus roseus
VincristineAntitumor, Antileukemic agentCatharanthus roseus
YohimbineAphrodisiacPausinystalia yohimbe
YuanhuacineAbortifacientDaphne genkwa
YuanhuadineAbortifacientDaphne genkwa

I know it's a joke post, but just to clarify, many drugs or the templates for drugs are taken from plants.

#48 Posted by SecondPersonShooter (616 posts) -

@chrispti said:

give me my 5 minutes back

Only if you give me my twenty hours back I spent playing the game

@Mesoian said:

@SecondPersonShooter: 3/10. Had to read to the end to figure out if it was an actual troll.

I consider that a 10/10. Also, really? This is the least-subtle troll I have ever tried to do

@nail1080:

Thank you for giving me the accurate research, rest assured the inaccuracies of the piece will be revised in the next published edition.

#49 Posted by Mesoian (1574 posts) -
@SecondPersonShooter said:

@SecondPersonShooter: 3/10. Had to read to the end to figure out if it was an actual troll.

I consider that a 10/10. Also, really? This is the least-subtle troll I have ever tried to do


You underestimate how truly dumb people can be. In this day and age, it's quite difficult to filter the true retardations from people trolling
#50 Posted by SecondPersonShooter (616 posts) -

@Mesoian said:

@SecondPersonShooter said:

@SecondPersonShooter: 3/10. Had to read to the end to figure out if it was an actual troll.

I consider that a 10/10. Also, really? This is the least-subtle troll I have ever tried to do

You underestimate how truly dumb people can be. In this day and age, it's quite difficult to filter the true retardations from people trolling

I didn't even really consider this trolling, I was trying to be satirical. Actually I was trying to write a legitimate analysis of why I thought Eternal Sonata was a bad game and then realized I was too lazy and typed up a bunch of shit I thought was funny.

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