How do I get a girlfriend?

Step 1: Show them this thread.
Step 2: Success

You're probably going to do some dumb shit until you're in your 30s, maybe longer. Just keep dating and spending time with women (friends), so you're not doing dumb shit into your 40s and on. You're still a walking hormone and can't think logically when it comes to dealing with women. Just be yourself, stop the female idolatry and eventually you'll find someone that will tolerate you. You have plenty of time to ruin your life, so don't try to rush it.

By not trying to. Or getting in a fake relationship so you look more desirable.

1. #nailedit
2. #epixmadzladzbantz
3. #bantersaurusrex
4. #fackinghelltheydontlikeitupem
5. #wapyafanniessoutfort'ladzcmonloveyouknowyoufuckingwantityouslutdressinlikethatilltakewhatisminebymightyouaremypropertytobeejaculatedintoandthenbeatentodeathinacopsewithhalfabrickinasock

Beautiful. #Bombbanter

@fattony12000: I laughed hard.

@thunderslash: I'm glad I was not disappointed, although it would have been better if someone posted that as the first reply. Get on it, people.

Being reserved and nice is your first mistake dude. Show confidence and make that first move. The girl isn't going to wait for you.

Dating websites are good, because everyone is there for the same purpose as you, unlike bars or work environments or the 'real world'. You can find people who want long term relationships and you can get scammed by fake people who are down for casual sex. Wind up on a bridge with a blue shirt.

I find it strange that everyone is bent out of shape about then 'throwing vaginas at me'. Either you've never been acquainted with a turn-of-phrase, or you've never heard people speak frankly about sex. If I heard a girl friend of mine or a female bomber comment that men "are just throwing dicks at her", I wouldn't immediately leap to the conclusion that she hates men and doesn't think they're human. But I guess that's just the environment we have now.

Technically it should be "throwing vagina/dick at me".

If most of your relationships have been loose women, I would recommend raising your standards as it will bite you in the ass if you want to get serious. Getting laid is fun, but don't make it your standard just because it's easier.

Be clean, dress well or at least neatly, and just be a normal person. You would be disgusted with some of the stuff people say at another person to "break the ice". Just be straight with her, "Hi, my name is xxx. I find you very attractive and I would like to get to you know better. Can I buy you a drink?" Best advice ever told to me by a very wise woman.

@shinjin977: If his name is triple X then I know why he's got women throwing vagina at him!

Find out which of the gift types she likes and start stockpiling.

@brodehouse: Considering the time that this topic and most of the responses popped up, I'm willing to bet that 80% of the posts were facetious. Then again, what do I know? Eddie Murphy was probably the first person to introduce me to the phrase.

Might be tmi but my gf and I have an understanding, its Vin Diesel for the devil's three way and Scarlet Johansson for the correct three way. But yes you are correct.

Yep.

HAHAHAHAHA

That was the best.

These are not mutually exclusive. *sigh*

I was just going to call this dude out on his creepy "throwing vaginas" comment and recommend he join a dating service but EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU FUCKERS JUMPED ON THAT TRAIN AHEAD OF ME.

@brodehouse: A lady might say dudes are just throwin' dick at her left and right but they would never refer to those guys in the context of dating. They would just be dicks, attached to men who are also dicks.

I don't think genitals work like that on any level.

But would a gentleman talk about women like that?

@barfqueen: Why are these hypothetical men dicks, what did they do that makes them bad people? What prevents a woman from thinking about casual sexual partners as dating prospects? I don't understand.

@video_game_king: If we're talking about projectiles being launched at him, it's vaginas or dicks. If using vagina or dick as a euphemism for sex, it's singular vagina or dick. Adventures in Pedantry!

@brodehouse:

No, I meant equating vaginae and penises like that. Most people only have one or the other. You can't dual wield your genitals.

@alexandersheen: I would hope the modern definition of a gentleman speaks more to their fairness, equanimity and their charity than whether or not they use profanity or vulgarity in their speech. I would like to think the connotation of gentleman says more about your personality than your language etiquette.

@brodehouse: When women use turns of phrase such as dick being "thrown" at them they usually are using it in the context of unwanted, overwhelming attention. Women all over the world face constant dick throwing from pushy idiots and it is generally considered aggravating at the least.

A "casual sex partner" is additionally not traditionally considered a "dating prospect" because they give off a front of only being interested in a woman for sex.

@video_game_king: Hey man check your privilege, there are at least some people in the world who can dual wield their genitals!

Vaginae sounds either like an elvish kingdom or a line of exfoliants.

@barfqueen: I wouldn't make any of those presumptions about anyone. Especially about women, I would expect to be called something.

I do find it odd that a woman using that phrase is being abused by men, and a man using that phrase is abusing women.

@brodehouse:

The funny thing is that I am legitimately curious as to how hermaphrodite genitals (I don't know how else to say it) function. Not even from this discussion. It's something I've been thinking about.

I have to admit: I'd be much more willing to give Lord of the Rings a try if it covered the exploits of the Kingdom of Vaginae.

This conversation really went into the shitter.

@brodehouse: ~Even if you would never make that presumption it doesn't mean others won't.~

True hermaphrodites don't exist, they're conditions called partial or complete androgen insensitivity syndrome, 5-alpha reductase/17-beta dehydrogenase enzyme deficiency syndrome, the mother using anabolic steroids etc. Google Disorder of Sex Development (DSD) or ambigue genitals.

You're in the shitter.

Your name doesn't happen to be Josh Mattingly does it?

Throw some vaginas this way homie.

6 pack of wine coolers and Night Moves by Bob Seger

@chocolaterhinovampire: Maybe if he was dating girls in 1979!

Ah whatever, a classic never dies.

Bob Seger has gone from relevant, to irrelevant, to a throwback, to hokey, and back to double-throwback again.

I updated my original post, but I honestly don't understand why everyone is getting bent out of shape about the "women throwing their vaginas at me" comment and about how could I possibly be a gentleman when using such a phrase. First off, I feel the phrase is hilarious and whenever I refer to an ex that way when talking to friends, both male and female, they love it. Second I can be a gentleman and still refer to sexual matters in a hilarious/somewhat vulgar way. If you feel that what I said is disrespectful to women in anyway then I apologize, but you seriously should lighten up.

@alwaysbebombing: How did you know I'm on my ipad in the shitter? Fuckin creepy.

Welcome to the world of today's internet where everything is offensive to someone XD

Here is a great icebreaker tutorial to help you meet your future mate:

1. Stand near a group of conversing girls (Ladies).
2. When / If you hear them laughing together, start uproariously laughing along with them, but with a bit more gusto and volume.
3. When they turn to look at you, keep laughing and say, "I know! right?"
4. Pull out your Girl's Numbers Moleskine and a #2 pencil, ask them all for their numbers.
5. If you get any numbers (note: you will.), ask them out on dates.
6. If you go out on one of the dates, wear a tuxedo, take her to a scenic outlook.
7. While out on the date, while wearing a tuxedo, at a scenic outlook, reach behind her back and gingerly poke her on her shoulder furthest from you (note: this is a great and playful trick to play on a date).
8. Before she turns around and looks at you with a perturbed expression, but after she turns to see who was gingerly poking her on the shoulder, get down on one knee and hold up your great grandparents wedding ring that was given to you by your mother on your 16th birthday.
9. Don't shake too much.
10. Propose.

The great thing about this great icebreaker tutorial is that if it doesn't work you can just repeat it over and over until it does. Good luck.

@acidbrandon18: Women LOVE when men tell them they're overly sensitive and that their feelings are invalid. Keep it up and you'll be neck deep in pussy soon enough!

1. Get good at dancing by dancing alone, at night, while no one else is around, for years.
2. Go dancing at some sort of club or bar with a dance floor on New Year's Eve and run into someone who happens to be an attractive person according to whatever criteria you have for attractiveness, physical or otherwise.
3. Dance with this person for a couple of hours.
4. Talk with them for a while and get to know them a bit.
5. Trade phone numbers.
6. Get asked out a few days later.

I can personally vouch for this methodology, and it only took 25 years to pay off!

Seriously though, get out and meet more people, and maybe eventually you will meet someone you like and who likes you. There's not really a formula you can follow, because people aren't finite state machines with known inputs and outputs.

So what you're saying is, "I'm sorry that you're such a tightass"?

I think you're taking this thing a little too seriously and , to be quiet frank, you are being far more vulgar then I am. Pussy? Really? I'm talking about relationships not getting laid.

Rule #1: Don't be creepy.

Rule #2: See Rule #1.

For what it's worth, I didn't find it offensive and almost did not mention it. For me, what I meant originally was -- and you may realize this -- you might want to put that on the back burner when you're meeting people.

Everyone thinks they are hilarious. Me. You. Everyone. I'm not saying I know what I'm talking about, but I had a tendency to make more friends (which led to some being girlfriends) by being more laid back at first than trying to imitate my favorite comedians. Certain jokes and sarcasm tend to go over a lot better once people know you and are more comfortable around you.

Your "specialness" is not going to be appreciated by everyone immediately. If a girl still does not like your brand of humor after a while, then find someone else. If all girls do not like your brand of humor after a while, then you might need to change your brand of humor.

True. I'm not going to crack such a joke with a girl that I have just met, obviously. But my close friends and co-workers, to my knowledge, seem to appreciate my humor. An internet thread is probably not the place for such joke as I am now learning.