Y'all Made Me Write This Blog: ZombiePie's Ranch Pizza Recipe

Stop Cyberbullying Me!

For those of you who have been on the Giant Bomb Discord or Twitter, you know the surrounding Giant Bomb Community has been dunking on me for my "eccentric" food preferences and tastes. Among my many "sins," determined by the internet food police, is my insistence that you can use Ranch Dressing as a replacement for marinara or traditional pizza sauce as a base on a pizza. Other things that can "apparently" get me thrown into food jail include my use of ketchup in pasta sauces and my secret "Salsa Marinara" recipe, where I make pico de gallo, blend it, and cook it down to make a pasta sauce. As you might suspect, I will no longer stand for this cyberbullying. I believe in freedom and will use this blog to show this community the pure deliciousness of Ranch Pizza!

Step #1: Pre-Made Pizza Dough Is Legit

Fuck making dough from scratch! The pre-made pizza dough that you can buy in most grocery stores is just as good and far easier to work with than homemade pizza dough. After getting this dough, find a pizza tray and grease it with whatever oil-based substance you want. I prefer to use olive oil, but if you're going to slather Crisco on that thing, go ahead! I'm not your daddy! Because I wanted to piss off the pizza purists, I used a rectangular baking sheet instead of a circular one. Again, I believe in freedom.

Step #2: Buy High-Quality Ranch Dressing

As chefs often say, when a recipe calls for wine: cook with something you are willing to drink. The same sentiment applies to the Ranch Dressing you will be using on this pizza pie. Your body deserves something better than Hidden Valley, but I'm not judging you if that's all you got. Shit, we've all been there! You're hungry, and all you have is salad mix that is two days past the sell-by date, withered carrots, and Hidden Valley Ranch! If it gets the job done, who am I to judge?

Nonetheless, a Ranch Pizza will require a dressing with a higher "proof" than your standard sauce. Therefore, I recommend you splurge and get an artisanal variety of Ranch for this recipe. You want something to permeate the dough and survive the baking process. That's why you should look for a thicker sauce than most "big brand" dressings.

Step #3: Use About Half The Bottle (No, Seriously)

Yup, you read that right! You will be using AT LEAST half of that bottle of Ranch Dressing for this pizza. Unlike tomato or cream-based pizza sauces, Ranch will evaporate, and its tangy flavor will become muted if you do not use the appropriate amount of dressing for this pie. Whatever amount you think you will use, you are going to need to double that for your pizza. Think of this like when you are cooking spinach. When you cook spinach, there's that moment right at the start of the cooking process where it looks like you used too much, but two minutes in, you realize that's not the case. That's how you need to treat Ranch Dressing as a pizza base. Drench that fucking dough!

Step #4: Load That Pie Up TO THE CEILING With Toppings!

Fuck it; if you are already using Ranch Dressing for a pizza base, why pull back on toppings? In my case, I used sausage, sauteed onions, mozzarella, pepperoni, black olives, and shredded Parmesan. I like to do a second layer of cheese after putting on meat and vegetables, but not as much as the first layer. I want there to be enough cheese to crisp up and get crunchy but not enough to become a cheese soup like a Chicago-style pizza casserole. Also, certain meats pair with Ranch better than others. A ubiquitous pairing involves bacon and grilled chicken, which I highly recommend to Ranch Pizza novices.

Step #5: Cook The Pizza

Preheat and bake at 400°F. Please don't ask me for a time. You have to judge that one by how it looks and feels. I prefer my pizzas crispy. To me, the best pizza is one that has a crust that snaps like a cracker. That wasn't the case with the one I made in this blog, but you are the shepherd of your pizza's texture.

Step #6: Serve With A Salad And Enjoy

Trust me; you are going to love this pie. I recommend eating this pizza with a lightly dressed salad because at least one thing on your plate should be "healthy." While your arteries might be screaming as they read this blog, your taste buds are bound to be jumping for joy!

Stand With Freedom Make A Pizza Using Ranch!

Again, I hope my picture blog proves that I am not wavering as I deal with the full brunt of the internet. I support good-tasting food and freedom. With this website addressing the anti-Pineapple bias by pizza snobs, I hope we can create an aura of positivity regarding Ranch Pizza.

Booooooo.

Pizza is a sacred bond between tomato sauce and cheese! Anything else is blasphemy!

I don't feel good about making that joke, but that's just how strong my feelings on pizza are. That's not a pizza. It's a fancy grilled cheese and I will sell out all of my own morals and beliefs and die for this pizza war.

Crimes.

Where's the dislike button?

I've had chicken bacon ranch pizzas before, it's fine. Pizza is really versatile.

I would not request this but I ain't turning my nose up at a slice either.

This honestly seems OK to me. One of your lesser food crimes - not nearly as nauseating as ketchup or pico de gallo based pasta sauces.

Forget pineapples, this is the real controversial pizza discourse, folks.

But seriously, I dislike ranch in general, and this still sounds pretty good.

I could try this. I'm not afraid.

Okay, I'm actually sort of with you on the ranch on pizza thing, because I regularly dip my pizza in ranch and it's not that much of a stretch to just replace the sauce with it. That said, I think I'd do a blend of that and a white sauce, simply because I think the ranch would be overpowering? I'd try it, at least. I've had weirder on pizza (horseradish or mandarin oranges, for example, and I hold to it pepperoncini is the great unsung pizza topping no one uses).

And the pico de gallo is an interesting idea. It's not even all that far from a traditional pasta sauce (at least in America), just with a kick. I could get behind that.

Not only an abomination, but a double horror because you used Ken's instead of Hidden Valley. Ken hasn't ever made a good dressing, regardless of genre.

I really need a brief side step into this ketchup in a pasta sauce business because it's deeply troubling and regretfully I need to know 'how much'.

Cause like I don't hate ketchup the way that some people do but it has one of the harshest lines to cross when you've used more than you should.

1. Ranch dressing should only be used on salads.

2. Pizza is not salad.

∴ Ranch dressing should not be used on pizzas.

Your taste is logically invalid.

Please ban this content

Can I substitute 100 containers of Chicken McNugget Ranch dip or will that alter the flavor profile?

Ranch sounds like an interesting base sauce. I’d give it a go.

The rectangular pizza and burnt cheese on the top is unforgiveable. Cook longer and lower the temperature my dude.

@rebel_scum: I dunno if you don't have burnt cheese I think you've done a pizza wrong.

I'm pretty sure this is against the Geneva convention.

One of my favorite local spots gives you little cups of ranch on the side. I like it as a dip but something about hot ranch sauce rubs me the wrong way. Although I do have to blame Panago for making me feel like pizza is now somehow lacking without some kind of dip.

Try something different: Another popular local spot that I used to go for slices has honey up for grabs when you eat in. Pretty darn tasty if I do so say so myself. There is also Ranch and from what I remember the ranch/honey combo was pretty yummy as well.

@rebel_scum: I think you want at least a little bit of that burning on top and around the edges - not totally scorched but a bit of darker color.

As for the rectangular shape, it's not that uncommon for this sort of homemade bar-style pizza. It's easier to manage and rollout, and you don't need a circular pan taking up space that you don't use for anything else.

Call me crazy, but I would try a piece, before getting a real pepperoni one from a legit pizza place. ;)

Now, let’s put pineapple on this ranch pizza and go full sicko mode!

You could also buy (or make) a ranch dressing mix, which is just a powder, and add it to the sauce of your choice. That would get you a more traditional pizza sauce combined with ranch flavor.

@millaj: Not a bad idea either.

No one made you do this. You did it because you wanted to do it, and you loved every minute of it.

@sub_o said:

I've never had it but I know that works on sight alone. It's bread and chocolate. Unless it's a biscuit base which destroys the definition of a pizza.

@shindig: I feel like most dessert pizzas are just really big cookies.

I don't know if the frozen ones are, but you can legit get a cookie pizza from your local grocery in the bakery section. There usually are most available during holidays

When heating up pre-made pasta sauce, I will add a spoonful of ketchup to make it taste more tomato-ey. Most canned sauces have a tinny aftertaste that you need to cook out, but adding ketchup during the cooking process speeds things up.

When life gives you that, just go with a tin of chopped tomatoes.

I guess it just sounds weird because like while it is Tomato Ketchup ostensibly if you add ketchup to something it doesn't taste more like tomato it just becomes Ketchup.

This is so American it's un-American.

The finished product looks good, though. I'm afraid I'd try it and... like it.

Serve with a side of marinara for dipping!

Also that dessert pizza? Back in the day, when we had pay phones at the mall and your anime came from a vhs from Suncoast, there used to be cookie places that made giant novelty cookies with icing that looked just like that.

My grandmother used to make spaghetti sauce with ground beef and ketchup. It is definitely a food crime. This is not that. Certainly not my preferred style of pizza, but you can do a lot of experiments with pizza that are still valid. I do argue with your Ranch dressing rankings, but otherwise some people are too worked up over this.