I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately. I find that I get in these funks from time to time, where a few week pass and I feel as though I am accomplishing very little, both personally and professionally. I don’t know if it’s a seasonal disorder / nutrient deficiency / alignment of the planets thing or what, but whatever it is, it sucks a throbbing donkey dong.

Whenever I get in these little ruts of mine, there’s one thing I always find a little curious: no matter how listless I get, I always manage to keep up with my video gaming. Moreover, I find myself asking the same questions each time: “Why are video games such an exception? How come when I don’t feel like doing anything, I still feel like doing this?”

Now, there are certain obvious answers to this question that may occur to the naïve reader. Of course I still play video games... they’re “games”, after all. By definition, they’re supposed to be fun. What’s more, they’re the kind of fun I can have without the burden of leaving the couch or putting on pants. What could be easier than that?

However, I think the real answer is more complicated than that. For example, anyone who has ever seen me play a video game—with my body rigid and twitching from the stress of thousands of near-death experiences, eyes red and bloodshot from lack of blinking, and a slight bruise on my thigh where I punch my leg in frustration every time my character meets an untimely end—would be hard pressed to imagine that I’m having “fun”. In fact, they’d be just as likely to call the police, assuming that I’m being held against my will, subjected to some variant of the Ludovico technique.

It’s not just appearances… in fact, there are plenty of times when I’m really not having “fun”. For example, I don’t think I was having fun when I spent two hours jumping down flights of stairs trying to train up my Acrobatics skill while playing The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, and I certainly don’t have fun playing Call of Duty online multiplayer as I’m repeatedly and brutally murdered by foul-mouthed adolescents with Gamertags like PwnsUrMom. (I made this tag up, but of course it turned out to be the real handle of a redneck from the Florida panhandle. Motto: “Cold beer, George Strait, and good people is all I need.”)

So what’s the difference? How can I be “motivated” enough to play video games, even when I’m not motivated enough to do virtually anything else?

I think the answer to this question is best phrased in terms of goals. Let’s say that a goal consists of three parts: a what, a how, and a why. In other words, what do I want to accomplish? How do I go about it? Finally, why the hell should I bother?

In video games, the “what” is usually handed to us. Typically, the “what” is as simple as “save the world”, or “kill that guy over there”. Although more specific goals may manifest as Achievements, such as “Smash 1000 pixies with the Gavel of Procedural Amendments (+30 Gamerpoints)”, in any case our goals are nearly always given to us. In fact, so common is this practice that I remember being pretty confused and disoriented the first time I played Minecraft, a sandbox game so open-ended that there really is no stated goal.

However, it’s not like things are much different in the real world. Most of the goals I have are things handed to me by society: “graduate from college and get a job”, “copulate with a woman for the purposes of making a genetic copy of yourself”, “survive 78 consecutive years without dying (+30 Gamerpoints)”. I’m not saying this is a bad thing... I mean, there has to be some reason these goals are so common, as opposed to goals like “collect one million plastic forks” or “grow more limbs than anybody else”.

Where video games and reality differ much more is in the “how”. When I’m playing a video game, I almost always know how to work toward the thing I’m trying to accomplish. (Role playing game: kill enemies, get gold, buy better weapons, repeat. Platformer: kill enemies, save princess, repeat. First-person shooter: kill enemies, repeat.) By contrast, at work I almost never know how to work towards my goal. (Will this equation solve my problem? Will that project get me a raise?) At home, it’s even worse. (Will this thoughtful gesture keep my wife from getting mad at me? Will that parenting style keep my kid alive until adulthood while subjecting him to the minimum amount of emotional damage?)

Finally, there’s the “why”. At the most philosophical level, this question is all-encompassing: why are we here? What is our purpose on this Earth? Fortunately, the answer to these questions (like all questions) can be found on the Internet, both here and here.

Seriously, though... why do we do anything that we do? For wealth or power? For glory or recognition? To help others? For me, I’m not sure how much it matters. Even at my motivational nadir, I’m still compelled to play video games, and they offer none of those things (at least, not in reality). Regardless of the “why”, I think I’m more likely to get off my ass and do something if the “what” and the “how” are easily accessible. Perhaps if I could find a way to make real life more like video games in this respect, I’d have an easier time getting things accomplished.

I could barely sleep last night. Laying in my bed, I thought about (of all things) my Google Calendar, and how for months now, the date of September 20th had been emblazoned with the title “GEARS OF WAR 3 RELEASE”. I remembered how I had even typed it all CAPITAL LETTERS, signifying a level of typographic excitation I almost never achieve, not even for special occasions like Christmas or National Fellatio Week.

I don’t remember ever being this excited about an upcoming video game as a kid. This could be because I have an absolutely terrible emotional memory; perhaps I actually was this excited about every new release, but don’t remember because the 1990’s happened more than a week ago. One of the only cases I could recall was Super Mario Bros. 3. I remember relentlessly begging my mother for a copy, a tireless saga whose finale doubtlessly involved her slugging it out with other guilt-crazed parents in a K-Mart somewhere. I even dragged her to a showing of The Wizard just for a glimpse of the game. In the end, I finally got my copy of SMB3, and learned an important life lesson in the process: watching an autistic kid play video games for 90-minutes does not make for compelling cinema.

To be honest, I’m not even sure how (or even if) my friends and I found out about upcoming games back then. This was in the Dark Ages before the Internet, so unless we saw a television commercial or read about it in Nintendo Power magazine, we usually didn’t know about games until after they were already on the shelves. Our usual approach to gaming was to goad our parents into heading to Video World, our local “video rental store”. (For you youngsters out there who don’t know what I’m talking about, imagine Netflix were an actual physical store, except with VHS tapes and Nintendo games instead of DVDs and disgruntled customers complaining about price hikes.) Once there, we would descend into intense deliberations over which game we should get, based on esoteric criteria such as coolness of cover art, whether it came with a photocopied instruction manual, and whether they even had a copy available to rent. Then we would go to one of our houses, start playing the game, realize that it was Back to the Future and one of the worst NES games ever made, and go to bed disappointed. Good times.

Looking back, I realize that the difference between this approach and the current pre-order paradigm is like the difference between awkward teenage sex and that crazy tantric stuff that Sting is into. For months I’ve read the press releases, watched the gameplay trailers, and played the beta, and when I finally get home from work and open that lovely little package from Amazon, it’s going to be amazing. Don’t get me wrong… like any high-school sweetheart, I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for Video World. However, I think both Sting and I prefer the status quo.

Merry Gearsmas, everyone!

PS - I just remembered, Netflix doesn't have DVDs anymore either. I guess now it's just disgruntled customers.

This weekend I went hiking in New Hampshire’s White Mountains, which proudly boasts the worst weather in America. Even though we lucked out with some gorgeous weather, it was still a grueling hike. We managed to hit three of the Whites’ tallest peaks (Madison, Adams, and Jefferson), covering 14 miles of rocky terrain with about 6,000 feet of elevation gain.

Upon reaching the first summit, I perched on top of the world like a god, and gazed down at the White Mountain National Forest, spread out below me in a breathtaking panorama of natural beauty. As I sat there upon my mighty throne of granite, I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, this was a lot of work. Why did I want to do this, again??” Then I tried to refrain from coughing up one of my lungs.

Catching my breath, I tried to remember what I could possibly have been thinking when I left the house at 5:00 AM that morning. Then it occurred to me that as a form of recreation, mountaineering and video games actually had a lot in common. Perhaps it was these commonalities that appealed to me.

For example, both video games and mountain climbing deal in firmly established and clearly articulated goals. In world where success and accomplishment are typically about as firmly defined as my sagging pecs, it’s nice sometimes to know exactly what it is you’re supposed to be doing, regardless of whether it’s “kill that bad guy” or “walk from here to that high-up place over there”.

Second, like video games, climbing a mountain yields reliable, tangible rewards for your efforts. When playing a video game, you know that if you do everything it asks of you, eventually you’ll “beat the game”. Likewise, when hiking you know that if you keep going up, eventually you’ll reach the highest point. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually you’ll be able to look down on those puny trees with the same ruthless disdain that a level-30 Dragon Warrior reserves for the average Slime.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, video games and mountain climbing both understand the importance of engaging the user with visual stimulation. The capabilities of current-generation gaming systems have gotten pretty amazing, and keep getting better all the time. However, while hiking we also saw some pretty nice views... and I have to say that for an old analog system, the graphics were still pretty good.

Tomorrow I’ll be celebrating the completion of my 32nd trip around the Sun.   (Though by the time I finally post this, it might be today.)   In regards to this momentous event, my wife posed a question that I expect is pretty commonly asked around such anniversaries.   Namely, she asked me, “What would you like for your birthday?”

I responded in the same way I have every year since reaching adulthood: “Nothing”.

“What, there’s nothing that you want?”

Hearing the absurdity of this accusation, I thought that perhaps my original one-word response could do with some unpacking.   I explained:

“Of course there are things that I want, but they all fall into one of three categories: (1) things I can afford, like video games, (2) things I can’t afford, like a helicopter or a Japanese sexbot, and (3) things that don’t exist, like hover shoes or an AeroBed that actually stays inflated.   Things from the first category I’ve already bought myself, and things from the second you shouldn’t be buying me.   Good luck with the third.” 

You see, this is the problem with birthdays.   When you’re a kid, a gift is like free income, which is why you feel so completely ripped off when someone gets you something lame like clothes or a pencil case.   (As my birthday coincides with the back-to-school season, you can believe this happened to me all the time.)   When you’re an adult, it’s completely different.   A gift from your parents merely serves to decrease your future inheritance by one ugly sweater’s worth, while a gift from your spouse is basically something you bought yourself.

I’m not complaining, mind you.   I much prefer it this way, where I get to buy whatever I hell I want, whenever the hell I want it.   At this point, I’ve got pre-orders stacked up through the holidays, including Gears of War 3, Saints Row: The Third, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, and Modern Warfare 3.   In other words, I’ve ensured that Amazon will be delivering me a steady stream of gifts non-stop until Christmas.

Happy birthday to me.

My wife is about five months pregnant with our second child. Recently, we had an ultrasound where a person claiming to be an expert in such matters told us we should expect it to be… a girl. (She actually said—and I quote—“Look, you can see the labia!” Suffice it to say, that phrasing didn’t help ease me into the whole situation.)

Since our first child was a boy, I’m still wrapping my head around the concept. It’s not that I don’t want a daughter; it’s just that I’m not sure about the ramifications of trying to raise someone whose personality I may not understand very well. Of course, when explaining this line of reasoning to a friend of mine, she said: “You’re just being sexist. You may end up having more in common with her than your son. Maybe she’ll even like video games!”

While my friend was trying to make a serious argument about the subtleties of gender identity vis-à-vis parent-child relationships, I decided to miss her point entirely, and instead fixate on just the last thing she said. Maybe she’ll even like video games? WTF??

I suppose the reason I was so impacted by this statement is that I hadn’t ever considered that there was an alternative. I mean, wouldn’t she like video games? What’s not to like? Is there some sort of fundamental incompatibility between the female sex and the most technologically elegant form of entertainment that exists in our modern era?

I suppose I’ve always known that gaming was a stereotypically male interest, but I hadn’t given it too much thought before now. (I know my wife doesn’t really play video games, though I assumed it was because she grew up on a dairy farm, and you can’t hold an NES controller if your hands are always wrapped up in cow tits.) If video games do appeal more to men than to women, then I would like to find out why this is the case. To this end, I’ve concocted some theories (based on absolutely no expertise or evidence) that I’d like to share:

1. Traditionally, video game narratives focused on male protagonists. With modern games, however, this is less and less the case. In fact, many games allow complete character customization to an almost ridiculous level. If you happen to be a half-Asian, half black shemale and you want your Mass Effect character to look just like you… well, we have the technology.
2. Another argument would be that video games focus on typically male interests, namely killing things in various ways. I’m not sure I buy this argument either, as most of the women I’m friends with seem pretty vicious, and would likely enjoy sawing a Locust in half with a chainsaw if they gave it a chance.
3. A third argument is that video games are basically masturbation, which—I think most people would agree with me here—is also a male-dominated form of entertainment.
4. Finally, there’s the tautological argument: women don’t play video games because, well, they don’t play video games. Maybe they just didn’t grow up with this stuff, and so it’s hard to pick up as an adult. I like this last argument the best, because it means my daughter has a chance.

Any of you gamer chicks out there want to chime in? What do you think?

With this post, I’m officially returning from a four-month hiatus. It’s been a whirlwind summer so far, including but not limited to major life events such as thesis defenses, graduations, new jobs, and pregnancies. (You know, it’s apt that the word “hiatus” comes from the Latin word for yawning, because my hiatus has not involved very much sleep.)

Regardless, I’m back now. In fact, I’m so back that I’m making the following pledge: from this point forward, there will be a new blog post every Tuesday and a new game review every Thursday.

Now, you may doubt me (and given my track record, you’d be justified). However, I’m very serious about this. New posts. Every Tuesday. Every Thursday. Even holidays. For example, I’m told Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday this year… who knows, maybe I’ll be so filled with the holiday spirit of slaughtering turkeys that I’ll end up playing this game.

I’m just kidding, of course. If I’m playing anything around Thanksgiving, it will be The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim or Saints Row: The Third. I assume the choice will depend on whether the tension of spending time with family is better eased by murdering dragons or hookers.

On second thought, why do I have to choose? Maybe this year I’ll need both.

As should be obvious from the date of my last post, my blog has been on a bit of a hiatus while I finish up my Ph.D. degree.   However, I hit a major milestone this past weekend when I turned in a nearly final draft of my thesis to my committee.  After doing a bit too much celebrating on Sunday night, I nursed a brutal hangover on Monday using an old family remedy: fluids, aspirin, and the Gears of War 3 beta.

My initial reactions are pretty positive.  As one might expect, not much of the game is fundamentally different from its predecessors.  I was able to jump in and play as though I’d never left, like these months of pretending to love Black Ops were just a bad dream.  It seems like they refined the button overloading a little bit; for example, you now have to hold buttons down to do certain things, which reduces the chances of your character absently rifling through an ammo crate when you want him to be assisting a dying teammate instead.

Also, there appear to be two new default weapons.  The first was a “Retro Lancer” which has a bayonet instead of a chainsaw. I think the balance here is a faster instant-kill melee, at the cost of a lower shooting accuracy.  Instead of your standard Gnasher, there is now the alternative of a sawed-off shotgun, which can instantly turn anything into a pile of bloody chum, but can only do so one shell at a time.

A few other new weapons I found scattered about were an incendiary grenade and a “Digger Launcher”. The latter adds a nice twist to the cover-based combat, as it can burrow under walls to explode an enemy hiding on the other side. If you have a terrible sense of direction like me, then you’ll be pleased to see that the loading screen includes a map of the multiplayer level, complete with locations of where to find these precious toys… just don’t expect to be the only one making a beeline for the nearest Mulcher.

Although not much has changed on the surface, that doesn’t mean that a lot of new work hasn’t gone into the game. I get the impression that designing a good multiplayer experience is kind of a thankless job, as people only notice when something is unbalanced, such as when a map is poorly designed or a particular weapon is too powerful. Though things look pretty great right now, it will take some time to see whether Gears of War 3 gets it just right.   Of course, that’s why they have these beta tests… and if it means I don’t have to wait until the fall to get my Gears on, then I’m certainly happy to help.

My son is only a bit over two years old, but already my wife and I have discussed (i.e. argued) about one of the most important aspects of raising a child. I’m talking about the one thing that will most completely affect the quality of my son’s childhood experience: how much and what kind of video games he gets to play.
 
To give you an idea of how seriously I take this issue... when my wife was pregnant, like a lot of expectant parents I went through a “nesting” phase, where I was compelled to make sure that everything in my home would be perfect for my new son. However, in my deranged mind, “nesting” meant compulsively downloading ROM’s and buying old games off eBay, to make sure that my child would be able to play any classic game he desired.

I’m convinced that raising a child in a house with video games is—like most aspects of parenting—a delicate balance. If I don’t allow enough gaming, I run the risk that we might lose a great common interest. Some day I’ll ask him to join dear old dad in a quick Deathmatch, and he’ll say he’d rather watch tennis, or some other thing I find equally offensive. If I allow too much, then I run the risk of my slacker son still living in my house at age 35.

1. Make sure that he has a variety of games available to him, but let him play whatever he wants. This seems like a bad idea, if only because I couldn’t bear the embarrassment of raising a son who never played the original Metroid and doesn’t know why “the princess is in another castle”. Besides, we’re not running a Montessori school here, so we’ll laugh this one off and speak no more about it. 
2. Let him play through the games by generation. I could choose a “required reading” list of 10-20 games for each major console. He wouldn’t be able to graduate to the next console (e.g. NES to SNES) until he’d completed (or at least played a bit) each game on the list.
3. Alternatively, he could play through the games by franchise. For example, if he wanted the newest Zelda game, I could ask him to start at the first one and work his way up to the present. 
4. A more laid-back approach might be to just have “retro gaming sessions” where once a week or so we make sure that together we go back and play some old favorites. 
5. Do any of the above, but make sure I avoid raising a sociopath by saving the most violent video games (like most FPS’s) until he’s old enough. As a bonus to not raising a serial killer, I also get to wait as long as possible before my son is able to kick my ass at Call of Duty.

Well, it’s New Year’s Eve... a time to celebrate the triumphs and mourn the losses of the year past, while looking forward to the new challenges of the year to come. Of course, I mean all of this in the context of video games; I don’t want anyone to think I’m applying this level of self-reflection to my actual life.

Regardless, I thought this would be a good opportunity for a chronological review of my year in video gaming. 

Fallout 3. I started the year as a new-born vault dweller, but within a few short weeks I was murdering every man and beast in the Capital Wasteland. This was an RPG of unparalleled size and scope, full of fascinating characters and environments. As is typical for  games I got sick of the combat about 5 hours in, but apparently that didn’t stop me from completing the game and all the DLC.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii. An uninspired rehashing of old-school Mario gameplay. Its only decent spot was the frustrating but gleefully hectic 4-player co-op.

Gears of War 2. In February I began a love affair that continues to this day. This game is very nearly perfect, with the sole exception of some unfortunate button overloading. It would take me until the end of July to beat Level 50 Horde on Hardcore, and it would be one of my proudest video game achievements of all time. Still my favorite multiplayer game, I can’t wait until the third act comes out next year. 

Dragon Age: Origins. An enjoyable party-driven RPG with a great classic feel.  Decent characters and dialog supported a dark and interesting plot, nothing less than what I’ve come to expect from BioWare. 

Final Fantasy XIII. It’s a good thing I got my RPG fix with Dragon Age, because boy, did this game disappoint. I do give its creators some credit, as most of its flaws are due to bold design and gameplay choices that fall a bit flat.

BioShock. After that whole FF13 debacle, I needed to cleanse my palate by re-playing what I still consider the best Xbox 360 game ever created.

Eternal Sonata. After exhausting Dragon Age I was still on a quest (haha, “quest”) to find some more decent RPG action, and so I scrounged up this early member of the Xbox canon. If you can sustain the extreme “J-ness” of this J-RPG, it does sport a fairly original premise and a passable battle system.

The Secret of Monkey Island (Special Edition). I downloaded this XBLA game so my wife could see how I spent the better portion of my middle school years. Still as fun as ever, though a bit clunky to play with an Xbox controller.

Peggle Deluxe. In June I finally broke down and tried the puzzle game that for many months had been rotting the grey matter of my friends with iPhones. This is one book you should not judge by its garish cover of rainbows and cartoon animals, because it is godsdamned addictive. 

TMNT: Turtles in Time (Re-Shelled). I didn’t hesitate when I saw this game released on LIVE, because it was one of my all-time favorite SNES games. So, you can imagine my disappointment when I found out that not only was it a half-assed remake with mediocre graphics and play control, it was a half-assed remake of the inferior arcade version. Booo.

Darksiders. Zelda meets God of War in this polished homage to the best games of all time. I thoroughly enjoyed this game, even as it shamelessly ripped off every great game from Devil May Cry to Portal.

Jade Empire. To lazy to go to the store, I decided to download this well-reviewed Xbox original. A BioWare RPG from 2005, Jade Empire turned out to be an innovative, well-streamlined adventure set in an interesting and mystical world. Well worth the $15.

The Beatles: Rock Band. I’ve pretty much been on a Guitar Hero / Rock Band hiatus since my PS2 days, but I finally got around to getting this game, mostly because I wanted just to bask in its reverence for the greatest band of all time. I was not disappointed.

DeathSpank. This XBLA game was the creation of Ron Gilbert (of  fame) and Hothead Games. It was a passable Diablo-style romp, though slightly underwhelming given its pedigree.

LIMBO. A disturbing, violent, and mesmerizingly beautiful puzzle-platformer.  Like life, I hoped it would be longer, but I tried to be thankful for what I got.

Psychonauts. Another Xbox original. Mediocre gameplay can't mar the brilliance of this hidden gem. Eclectic characters and surprising levels make for a thoroughly entertaining experience.

Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light. Fast-forward to August, and I’m still buying mostly XBLA games. Surprisingly, this was actually the first Tomb Raider game I ever played. The old-school gameplay was fun, though the play control was occasionally frustrating. As far as I can tell, Lara is still as vapid and unlikeable as ever.

Prince of Persia. Somehow replacing the Sands of Time with an actual human being (Elika) resulted in a game that felt more empty. The game looked stunning, but just didn’t feel right.

Minecraft. One of my few PC gaming experiences this year. Even in an alpha release, this game looks to be brilliant. The open-world format taken to its logical extreme, you can deconstruct and rebuild the entire world as you see fit. I’ve played few games that felt so massive and immersive.

Assassin's Creed II. Finally got around to this one in September. They gutted the repetitive mission structure, while enhancing everything that was great about the first game.  Everything a sequel should be.

Halo: Reach. Weak characters and plot, but perfectly honed gameplay. I have to say that I consider it one of the most well-balanced FPS's of all time, exactly what we’ve come to expect from Bungie. A fine ending to the franchise (if we believe that’s really the case).

DeathSpank: Thongs of Virtue.  More of the same = meh.

Fable III. Once again, Peter Molyneux builds up our expectations only to disappoint us. This game had Essentially the same dichotomy as Fable II: beautiful graphics and fun combat meet game-breaking bugs, poor design choices, and a weak ending.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Believe it or not, I got this game only a few weeks before Black Ops. I suppose it says enough about the game that after only a week of playing it, I couldn’t wait to go get the sequel. Wait... maybe that doesn't say enough, because I can't tell if that is a compliment or not.

Call of Duty: Black Ops. A lackluster campaign, but the multiplayer can’t be beat. (Especially not by me, because frankly I suck at the game.) This one is currently my go-to multiplayer option, and Gears of War 2 is accepting the new competition with grace and style. Looking forward to a lot of new players now that it’s after Christmas.

Mass Effect 2. It took me all year to get to this game, but it was certainly worth the wait. Although not as flawless as a lot of reviews would have me believe, it was still an excellent entry into the trilogy. More great work from BioWare.

Machinarium. With my lonely little Xbox 300 miles away and only a 4-year-old laptop to keep me company (well, and also my family), I looked to Steam to satisfy my gaming needs. I got this fun little point-and-click adventure on sale for $2.99.  It only kept me busy for two hours, but it was stylish and engaging enough that I’ll accept it as my final gaming experience for 2010. 

Well, that’s it! Happy New Year, and let’s hope 2011 brings us some great new games!

I recently decided that the number one most significant gameplay innovation of the last decade is the achievement system. You may argue with this, but I can think of no other concept that has more radically altered the way I play video games (not even multiplayer). There’s a certain aspect of revealing your entire body of gaming accomplishments that gently but persistently warps mind and spirit.

For example, back when my virtual conquests were a private affair, I could exercise a bit more self control regarding my gaming agenda. Let’s say it’s the spring of 2002 and I’ve got 200 spare hours of my life just lying around. If I decided to use those hours to drink beer with my friends and/or have sex with my girlfriend, no one needed to know I did so in lieu of power-leveling that little bitch Tidus enough to take on the secret Final Fantasy X boss Nemesis. Moreover, since there was no public record of this decision... who knows what really happened? With enough time and self-delusion... maybe history holds that I did defeat Nemesis after all.

In the Age of Achievement we have no such luxury. Now all our triumphs and failures are laid bare for the world to see, and I believe such exposure gives game designers a disturbing power over the way we play video games. To emphasize the seriousness of this issue, I thought I would list the top five most perverse behaviors I’ve been driven to by the quest for Gamerscore.

#5: Dead Rising “Zombie Genocider” Achievement

To get this achievement, one must kill 53,594 zombies—one for every resident of Willamette. Unfortunately, since the game has a time limit, the only practical way to accomplish this is to mow them down with a vehicle while driving laps through the maintenance tunnels under the mall.

In case you’re wondering what happens to your subconscious after three straight hours of listening to rotting flesh explode against the grill of a truck... well, let’s just say it’s not good. The worst part is, I get the impression that this is how the designers intended you to complete this achievement, which is just sick.

#4: Fable II “The Sacrifice” / “The Family” / “The Egomaniac” Achievements

Without giving away too many spoilers about a game that is over two years old: the exceptionally anticlimactic ending requires the Hero to choose one of three outcomes, each of which is tied to a different achievement. 

Now the game possesses an auto-save function, but if your level of self-respect is just low enough, you can quickly exit out of the game after you get one achievement and slog through the final battle again, the next time choosing a different outcome. In other words, instead of being disappointed by that pitiful final boss fight and lackluster ending once, I chose to relive that disappointment three times.

#3: Darksiders “Dark Rider” Achievement

This achievement requires War to ride 100 miles on his horse, Ruin. To put things in perspective, 100 miles would have been a long way to ride even if there weren’t only three or so horse-friendly areas in the whole game. Consequently, the only feasible way to get this achievement was to go to one of these areas and just ride in circles. 

A word of caution: when your level of interaction with a video game can be accurately reproduced by a rubber band around the controller, that’s probably a good sign what you’re doing isn’t considered “fun”. In fact, I would have used an actual rubber band just to save myself a bit of humiliation, but if you try to do that the controller shuts itself off after about 15 minutes, presumably due to boredom. Sadly, boredom didn’t stop me. Achievement accomplished.

#2: Final Fantasy XIII “Treasure Hunter” Achievement

Among the many ways this game was broken were the weapon upgrade and money systems. In fact, the chain of design flaws was so elegant that it was almost brilliant in itself. To upgrade weapons you needed to use a totally unintuitive synthesis mechanism, which required certain valuable resources, which you bought with money, which you got from selling other valuable resources, which you could only get from a few specific enemies. Of course, when one has taken such a mind-raping approach to the whole of item acquisition and management in an RPG, it’s only natural to include an achievement that requires you to POSSESS EVERY GODSDAMNED OBJECT IN THE UNIVERSE. 

Long story short, getting 100% achievement completion in this game meant I had to spend at least 10 hours killing Adamantoises, in the desperate hopes one would drop a valuable Platinum Ingot. The good news is that I actually refined the process to the point where I could watch reruns of 30 Rock on my laptop while I ceaselessly murdered the pathetic beasts using only minimal brain activity. The bad news is that now whenever I see Tina Fey, all I want to do is kill a turtle.

#1: Prince of Persia “Be Gentle With Her” Achievement

In this offbeat member of the Prince of Persia franchise, the characteristic way for correcting your mistakes (namely, reversing time) has been replaced by Elika, a vapid little waif of an NPC that your character is forced to schlep through the game like a sexy but very annoying backpack. To get this achievement, you have to complete the game with her having saved you fewer than 100 times.  

Although this wasn’t the most frustrating achievement I’ve ever gotten, I put it at number one because it completely broke the game. Performing seamless acrobatics through beautiful landscapes is a hallmark of the modern Prince of Persia franchise, and using the Sands of Time or Elika to quickly rectify any missteps and get back to the action lies at its core.

Because of this achievement, though, I played a game quite out of step with the traditional Prince of Persia experience. Every time I died, I exited out of the game (because there’s no load option), restarted it, watched a few seconds of useless animation, loaded my game, and tried again. It was terrible, and completely broke the flow of play. Thus, a single thoughtless achievement (combined with my own sick compulsions) completely ruined an entire game.

This last example brings me to my point rather nicely. Just because an achievement can compel me to do some ridiculous thing, it may not mean that I actually enjoy doing it, and I certainly might not like myself for having done it. So please, Xbox game designers... have a heart. Don’t add achievements to your games that will tempt me to search for cheats that circumvent the natural flow of gameplay, endlessly replay repetitive actions, or otherwise corrupt my gaming experience. Please... save me from myself.

What are some of the most shameful achievements you've ever gotten?