Today I've shed some tears, but I don't think I've been going through the same sort of grief that some others have. For a while I didn't know why, and I felt like I just had nothing to say. I still kind of do; I made a big long post on facebook about it to a sea of friends who either don't know about or don't care about some internet celebrity, but I don't know if I have anything of real substance to add here.

But more importantly, I just haven't been feeling that violent, visceral grief and sadness that it feels like I should. I could chalk that up to not really knowing Ryan, or having never met him, but then who on this site has? And yet look at this out pour! This insane, touching awesomeness. How many had never even met him, and yet are still so touched by all of this. I think my issue is that I don't believe it. Intellectually, I know that it's true; that it's not some terrible, cruel joke, and that Giant Bomb would never pull something like that. But that's not what I mean by not believe it. I mean that I feel like there's a plot twist coming. I mean, come on, really? A main character dying? Out of nowhere? Right after their wedding? Off screen? That's silly. There's got to be some turn around later. This is just us being in the dark middle section, right? He's going to show up, smiling widely, and then slay the god damned dragon (or maybe just John Drake. Ah! You see what I did there? Jokes!), right?

But no. That's not going to happen. And I don't know when I'm going to realize that. I don't know if I want to. I desperately want this to turn into a story; the sort where this sort of thing has narrative important. But it doesn't. It won't. I want to be inspired to change myself from this, but will I? Should I? For the first time since I can remember, I have been assuming, hoping, begging that there is some sort of after life. That Ryan is now shooting the shit on some fluffy cloud. Or in Hell. I could live with that. I want you to imagine Ryan in Hell, trying to run a stream where he's interviewing Beelzebub and Judas and generally lighting the place up. Try to think about that and not smile. I think Hell with Ryan Davis would be fairly tolerable.

I don't know what to do about all of that though. Chances are that, at some point when I'm least expecting, it's going to come crashing down on me, and I'll finally be able to join the rest of the mourners with my tears. In the mean time, I'll be waiting. I'll be waiting for the tables to turn, the script to flip, and for either the heart warming happy ending, or the sobering but significant and lesson filled bitter sweet ending. I'll let you guys know if I ever find it.