Pumpper's "Mrs. Clean Pump-It-Off"
By Foxtrot0245 10 Comments
The other night I was playing Modern Warfare 2 when I heard a knock at the door. Not just a knock, but the stereotypical "dun da da dun dun....dun dun" (thanks HS21) knock that makes you think that it must be a friend or at least a friendly neighbor. Anyway, I completely forgot I have a peephole on my door, so I just opened it without knowing who it was. My beagle is small enough to fit through the crack if I open the door just enough to poke my head out, so I stepped out into the common area outside my door to keep her from barking at whoever was there. This was a mistake.
Surprise, surprise, it was a group of salespeople (two down-trodden looking ladies wearing nappy clothes). I am terribly awkward when it comes to turning these people away, so I was definitely regretting my decision to go whole hog and step right out into the common area. So, over the span of the next 20 minutes, I was enlightened about the world's end-all-be-all cleaner. It cleans dirt, grime, slime, scum, chars, scars, scuffs, muffs (?), dust, must, mildew and mold (she said "moldew" and "milled", by the way). I continued to tell them that I wasn't interested in their (intentionally?) explicitly named product; but the harder I fought, the harder they pressed. One of the women felt so confident that, with just a little more prodding, I would purchase their cleaner that she proceeded to not only say, but also show me something else it could clean...
Only a few nights ago, I saw the most awkward/funny/sad thing I have ever seen. I saw a grown woman drink a cleaning product in a fit of pure seller's fury. Then she proceeded to gag but try to cover up the fact that she was gagging, which only made her gag even more. She totally played it off and transitioned into spraying the cleaner directly into her face (EYES OPEN), hair, arms and chest. I'm not done... really.
Then, she sprayed the product onto a scuff where I kick the door on my way in (which did actually disappear) and went on to lick the rag on the spot that had just scrubbed God-knows-what off my door. When I asked her why she would do that, she replied that she was showing me that it was perfectly safe to use for everyday purposes and around my dog. I told her that she could have just said that and I would have "believed" her (just as much as I believed any of the other jargon).
This freaked me out pretty badly, so I finally just said I had to go and started to step back inside. As I was closing the door, she said I was selfish because a quarter of the retail price goes into getting girls like them off the streets and into a paying job. Honestly, this would have made me feel kind of bad, had I not just seen her defile and humiliate herself just for some sale that was most likely a credit card scam anyway. I consider myself to be a great philanthropist now. Can any of you go to sleep tonight knowing that you kept a girl from intentionally drinking cleaning agents for money?
I can.
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