Hold on. Are you telling me there is a Lost Planet spin-off game with a heavily anime-influenced aesthetic and it has J-Pop?

Where the fuck do I sign up

I have been known on occasion to buy silly things, expensive things that I don't really need. I have a horrible habit of buying comics, toys, old games, imported games... Robin Hood Prince of Thieves action figures. Y'know the usual kinds of things we all spend out money on at four or five in the morning after two days without any sleep. My latest questionable purchase just so happens to be a video game, a video game from the far away, magical land of Japan. The not-so-eagerly awaited Lost Planet spin off E.X Troopers from Capcom. I thought about how I wanted to describe the game. A review wouldn't make any sense because I don't have the best Japanese, and by that I mean I don't know Japanese. So it's a good job that the story is so easy to understand. (Make up)

I decided I'm going to write a sort of diary of my experiences in Anime Lost Planet Land, which will also be about a 95% accurate description of the story, so if you want to avoid incredibly accurate spoilers for a game that is probably, possibly never going to come out anywhere else in the rest of the world you should probably avoid this. I feel like I first need to describe my Lost Planet experience up to this point. I really liked the first game despite it being rather simplistic and very short. I had many hours of fun with the multiplayer even if I never really got any good at it. On the flipside I despise the second game and would place it right along side Resident Evil 6 as one of the worst games I have played this generation. A game that admittedly was patched to be more tolerable, but was completely broken as a single player experience at launch. I don't want to spend my time bitching about other games, and I have absolutely no interest in talking about them any more than I have already. I have always liked the snowy landscapes and giant bugs vs VS's theme, and now it has extra added anime, what could go wrong?

So, here goes.

ANIME!!

The first thing I am greeted with is a title screen. I know, bizarre right? The best thing about the title screen is that it just says PRESS TO START!! Press what? It really wants me to press something, it has two exclamation points. This means it wants me to do it in a hurry probably, like it knows how much I need more anime in my life. I press the start button, we are off to a good start. I know English and those words are very clearly English. The J-Pop begins, YES! This game could not have started any better. There's flashes of boys and girls in an assortment of colourful sci-fi fashion and the standard school uniform-like clothing you get in big, loud and shouty anime... Oh, and mechs and explosions and shit interwoven in what seems to be the pages of a manga.

The game opens with some space shuttles on their way to the planet EDN3 strangely via one of the Halo ring worlds. I'm not all that impressed with the quality of the cel shaded art, in fact it seems like they have just blown up the 3DS game for an HD screen, but I don't want to criticize the game, this isn't a review, this is all about the epic story of some space wizards and a talking robot. I've gotten ahead of myself... rewind back to the spaceship.

Here the camera pans over some school kids on a journey through space until it stops on a sleeping, spikey haired boy in a bright orange jacket. His name is Ron. Yes, Ron. He suddenly wakes up throwing his manga up into the air excitedly as it seems like he has never been into space before and this is the greatest day of his entire life. Ron gets up and starts pacing up and down the ship, Ron LOVES this spaceship.

Moments later a man that looks suspiciously like Rob Halford (who is most definitely named Snape) in bright blue comes over and hits our hero in the face, he's all like "There's robots outside and we need to take care of it." He's pretty angry so Ron doesn't really have a choice other than to get into the mech with Snape. They start talking about 326 something or others which is probably the power level of the Wood Bell. What is the Wood Bell you ask? It's a weapon or a spaceship or a mech, either way a screen tells me "Wood Bell Next Activate Ability" which is good as there's some real shit going down out in space. Snape lectures Ron about how to use the mech by pointing his finger in the air and screaming something, which funnily enough is the only way of getting anyone to understand how important something is in anime.

The mech flies out into space and tells me to LOCK ON. I'm not really sure if this is a cutscene or a Quick Time Event, but by hammering the R1 button things explode and I get through the sequence unscathed, like the Novice-Pro mech pilot I was obviously born and destined to be.

I cannot stress how PUMPED Ron is at this point, he seem like he's going to explode from all of the excitement. Snape gets mega angry in his own charming little way full of electric sparks and pointy fingers and the mech starts to burn up as it enters the atmosphere of the planet below. We land, unsurprisingly Ron is pumped that we landed and Snape gives me a gun. This was probably the best timing possible as a bug monster attacks and Ron gets all scaredy despite momentarily ago being an awesome space pilot. Ron is injured and limps away from the monster, but just as soon as he is backed into a corner there's a flash of light and a crash and a bang and Ron is saved. Thank god for hot anime girls with guns and moody, floppy fringed pretty anime boys with sniper rifles.The girl is really happy about something on her phone, and writes a cool Twitter update "KAWAIII!!! BIG MONSTER GET! SUGOI!!!!" The pretty dude is unimpressed about everything. The hot anime girl is totally into me.

All while this is happening there's a girl on a hill chanting and talking to her half dead mum or something. She wasn't screaming at the top of her lungs so I kinda lost interest here.

FIRSTSTARSHOOTINGSTAR. (Chapter 1)

I get a title - Ichiban Boy. I don't know what it means, but I assume it's pretty cool because I got a medal as well. Medals for awesome piloting skills seem like a pretty appropriate thing considering I only just learnt how to do it. We cut back to the mysterious girl and she's doing some kind of magical ceremony where a giant laser beam from outer space blows something up and a dude that looks just like Ron is seen in some kind of flashback. We get a nice shot of the chanting girl's blue hair which is all sparkly, a bit like her eyes. She obviously has magic hair or magic shampoo, either way she seems pretty magical. I'm sure she's going to be into me at some point in the game.

So we get to Space Hogwarts Academy of Circle Strafing and the man in charge is having a conversation with Snape whilst stroking his beard. All of the students stand around and listen to some announcements whilst both the girls and the boys swoon over the white haired pretty boy named Malfoy, Mal for short. It's pretty obvious that Ron doesn't give a fuck about anything because he continues to be pumped about everything.

I meet a new friend with glasses, His name is Harry, he seems nice he's really into his books and science, and is really clumsy. Ron automatically takes a shine to him and starts his trademark pumpedism. Harry is so enamored by me that he calls me Senpai Kun which means king of awesome... Harry is way into me.

I'm tasked with running about the halls looking for my next mission indicated by a big "!" on the minimap. I am automatically sidetracked and meet Solid Snake and a girl who I assume to be German because her dress looks similar to a dirndl. Neither of them have very much to say, but a girl with ellipses on her head (indicating she is totally into me) tells me about some cool new spells and gives me a present. F'Yeah!

I'm told to go meet a space ghost, not THE Space Ghost, but a floating cyber-ghost called WIZ... which I assume is just short for Wizard, which totally makes sense as J.K Rowling probably wrote the story for this game. We chat, it's pretty boring, but both the hot girl (Hermione, or Hermy for short) and Mal have some stuff they need to discuss with me and Snape. Hermy is still into me, Harry has a total Bro-Boner and Mal is still trying to act the cool silent dismissive type.

I'm told I need to start a mission, I'm allowed to choose between Stupid clothing and less stupid clothing, so naturally I choose the dumbest option possible and two weapons. I settle on a gun and a grenade launcher. It doesn't really matter much because it turns out my task is to beat up some other space ghosts, which I promptly boost-kick to death with my speedy jet-hover-pack thing. It turns out I must be a pro ghost-kicker as I level up. I get another medal because I'm special and am told to "Tresspass" I don't even know what that means, it seems important though so I wrote it down in some notes. Another dude gives me a present and Harry tells me how cool he thinks I am and wishes that he was me and his life isn't worth living which I'm happy about, so I punch the air.

I run about Hogwarts for a bit, find I can buy a gun that looks like it has a rhino's horn and meet up with Hermy who proceeds to tell me how into me she is... and something about VS's. I do some missions, basic tutorial stuff like kicking microchips out of Solid Snake and boost-kicking girls in the face. I get told that 28 girls kicked in the face is pretty respectable, but Mal is all "I kicked 50" and Harry starts bro-crushing on him for a moment. My disappointment doesn't last long and I'm back to my usual pumped self when suddenly I get a text message. "Hey, come get some food" Hell yes I want some food so I run over to the canteen where a lady is serving food. She has got three items Tea, Burgers and Starburgers. Naturally I opt for the most expensive, the Starburger. It turns out I FUCKING LOVE STARBURGERS. I get +1 of something, +1 awesome I assume. "Extra Purse!" apparently.

Snape tells me to get to the library immediately, I make my way there, but I am inevitably sidetracked by the toilets, I enter three or four times and am surprised by how much Ron has to say. The fourth visit I'm rewarded with some purple crystals, I'm not told how or where I got them, all I know is that I entered with nothing and left with a pile of them. I try my luck with the girls toilets, but I am punched out of them into a wall.

GHOST ALERT!

We get a ghost alert from the space ghost wizard lady and everyone is excited to go and fight stuff. The mission involves me circle strafing monsters and shooting them in the face. Mal insults me for being slow although it looks like I rescued him from certain death and Solid Snake is all "Yo, upgrade your shit" which I do. I do a few more missions, one of which required me to collect jewels for Hermy. I'm glad I did this because our first date involved me murdering a giant snow armadillo, she was so happy watching me end the existence of some of the local wildlife. I get a bunch of jewels, level up and return to school. I do the same routine of fishing for presents from random students and buy another Starburger. (obviously) Now the German girl is into me, she and I have a little chat about how I single handedly saved the planet from a giant armadillo invasion and she gives me a star and another burger.

I have a little search around, there's a shady student near the toilets that wants me to run a maze in a certain amount of time. The maze is pretty basic and started off with the words "GAME STARTO!" and ended with the word "GOAL!!" shouted at me. I came in third, so I try again and come in second. The number one target time seems almost unattainable, but oh well I guess. Ron then shouts out "Shoot Her!" I'm not really sure why, maybe he's just really into randomly shouting out Jurassic Park quotes.

I'm getting a bunch more missions now, one of them had me circle strafing two giant armadillo's while Mal held them down with a purple stun-ball gun. He is pretty cool, but I'd never tell him that, it totally makes sense why he has all of those fan girls hanging about with him. Back at school though the German girl has something musical to tell me, I think she invited me to a concert, but more importantly she gave me a star and a starburger... she knows the correct way to Ron's heart.

Hermy decides she wants more crystals so we go out on a mission to kill some bugs and unexpectedly get ambushed by a giant preying mantis looking thing. I circle strafe it for a good twenty minutes, but my weapons are doing no good. It kills me which is unfortunate, but it turns out I'm so awesome that I can just respawn instantly, that is for three spawns anyways. Eventually I discover that I'm just supposed to avoid it, collect jewels and then run away like a coward. I stubbornly try to kill it again, but I am taught a tough lesson once again.

I discover that in order to upgrade my guns I need both presents and jewels, which seems needlessly awkward, but seeing as so many people are into me and gifts come quite regularly it's not that bad. The German girl sends me a text, it seems she has another Starburger for me. A starburger was exactly what I needed as my next mission would require me to boost-kick a bunch more girls in the face. The Starburger works out and I get more presents and stars, one girl likes me enough to give me two presents so I upgrade my grenade launcher. The shop now has Star Chicken, but I'm sticking with what I know at this point and 300 coins for a tub of chicken in the shape of stars seems a bit steep.

VIRTUAL REALITY.

Harry is reaaaaaaaally into VR he seems way more into it than both Ron and Mal combined. The space ghost puts me into some kind of Tron-Room where there is a boy selling VR food, I could get a VR hotdog, but I instead opt for a VR Starburger. I'm required to do a couple of missions and an optional third that seems a little harder, all of which surprisingly revolve around me circle strafing and boost-kicking bugs to death.

Once I'm done with what is probably a tutorial for online missions Solid snake is all like "Check out my shotgun" spinning it around like some kind of space cowboy. Snake takes me to some bridges where he wants to shotgun and kick some girls to death until the German girl from the cafeteria turns up with a rocket launcher, so I boost-kick her in the face. I'm initially a little conflicted about doing this as she gave me a bunch of burgers and is most definitely down for some boning. But as soon as I realise my shotgun turns girls into snowmen I warm to the idea of shooting them all and unlock the shotgun for use elsewhere in the game.

SHIT GETS REAL.

WIZard ghost sends me an alert there's some kind of SOS call from WBN EVE C which is probably a news channel with an overly long name. The gang have a little discussion about if we are ready and the ever-pumped Ron is all like DUH, Of course and punches the air. I'm told about some review scores for games, Wizard-Ghost is totally into Far cry 3 and awards it 89%.

The gang is in full for the first time. Ron, Harry and Hermy need to open some doors and attack some snow pirates which look a little like one of the trade federation aliens in The Phantom Menace, luckily they're all too stupid and are beaten by me circling around them and shooting them. We know shit has gotten real as J-Pop starts playing and bigger snow pirates try to stop me from opening a door. Boost-kicking them doesn't really do any good, so luckily strafing around them works just as well.

I get to a big open area with a broken red mech laying on the ground. It turns out that it was a trap and I'd have to fight that dude from Star Wars piloting the thing. It's actually pretty easy as it only really has three attacks and it seems far more intent on beating up on Harry in a corner than going after me, which is nice.The mech is defeated and I'm rewarded with a giant golden nut, the game seems to have mistaken us for Ratchet and Clank, I'll take it anyway. I'm sure I could sell it to pay for more Starburgers. "Achoo"

End of Episode 1

So this is my overly long story-diary thing about Anime Lost Planet. I'm not very good at writing and rarely write blogs so this might be a little too long, but thanks for reading it. I may or many not write a part 2 as I'm pretty lazy, but if I do expect talking E. Honda robots, dominatrix teachers with inappropriate behavior towards students, Knight Rider mechs and even more obsessive Starburger consumption.

(For some reason it wouldn't let me add headers to each section, oh well.)

I finally get what the nonsensical words are between levels... They're saying E.X Troopers.