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jonnyboy

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Top ten most peculiar heroes in video games.

We've seen it all haven't we? Space Marines, Mercenaries, Pirates, WW2 Soldiers, WW3 Soldiers, more Space Marines etc. But what about those times when you sit back, press the pause button and say to yourself "How the holy hell would this person, in this profession ever find themselves in this situation?" Those special times when you wonder what the look on the face of the needy will be when these guys, characters completely under-qualified for the task at hand, bursts through the door with nothing but a smile and the best of intentions.......

List items

  • PLUMBERS.

    When my toilet starts to make a whining noise every time I pull the handle, I call a Plumber. If I turn up my radiator and it sounds like a waterfall in there, I call a plumber. If my girlfriend is kidnapped by a mutant tortoise with a serious grudge against the monarchy, I'm probably not gonna dial the 24 hour pipe repair hot line, and yet we rely on this guy.

    The game 'Freedom Fighters' is another great example of this. One moment I'm a plumber going to a job in a beaten up old panel van. A few hours later I'm armed with an AK-47 leading a group of rag-tag guerrilla fighters through the streets of New York against an invading horde of well equipped Soviets. Proving once again that when the Army has failed you domestic sewage management is the next best thing.

  • WOODLAND CREATURES.

    The Earth is a big deal. It's pretty and everyone we know lives there, which makes the destruction of it a really big deal. If all the information about human history was wiped out, and all future generations had to solving the impending destruction of the planet was Sega's and Nintendo's back catalog, the world would be truly doomed. It seems that these two companies among others believe any disaster, be it asteroids, mad scientists or just plain old civil unrest can be easily sorted by some form of woodland creature with a ludicrous paint job, when in fact they spend a lot of their time under the tire of an 18 wheeler. Come 2037 if humans are painting foxes pink or mice yellow, we'll know who to blame.

  • THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS.

    'Nerd'. We've all been called it at some point. It's not a nice thing to be called, especially when it comes from those you are most attracted too, even worse when it's true. Some people however wear it as a badge of pride, Theoretical Physicists are in this catagory. Why? Because they are smarter than you will ever be and boy do they know it. People this smart are the brains behind wars and sophisticated weaponry, they look down upon the meat-necked machine gun toting Jar Heads that have to use them. Which makes me wonder how Mr Freeman, whose deadliest weapon to date has been a whiteboard marker, manages to hit anything at all? Let alone take down platoons of enemies. If you want my advice, if you see a guy wearing those glasses holding a pistol, take cover.

  • THE DEAD.

    Ok so you're dead. This is usually when you get the continue screen. Some games however take the novel approach of starting here and just seeing how things pan out. Results vary, but it turns out that as protagonists the Dead are really not much use to anyone, and can really spend their time doing one of two things: looking out for themselves in getting whatever they need get to stop themselves being re-dead. Or alternatively just spending their time fucking with everybody's day. Most seem to choose the later.

  • CONVICTED CHILD MURDERERS.

    There are times when you wonder how much work actually gets done at game development board meetings. At some point in the coffee-drinking, facebook-apping, Sudoku-thon you have to wonder whether at least one person remembered that it can be quite nice to identify with the character you control every now and again. While playing 'The Suffering' you learn more and more about the fictional person you control and start to think "This is a horrible guy. Do I actually want him to survive this?" Then you're presented with moral choices to make, which now mean it's YOUR personality you are watching vicariously played out in front of you by a murdering maniac. Great, thanks guys.

  • MINIMUM WAGE EARNERS.

    So you come home from busting your ass all day at your shitty job, which you've worked at all month to get a new video game. Well kick off your shoes, sit on your sofa, at experience all the thrills of busting your ass at a shitty job working for the man! Delivering papers, making burgers and fixing broken pipes! All from the comfort of your own home! Be careful though, these game are highly addictive, don't be up all night or you'll miss that 6AM alarm for work!

  • THE LEAD SINGER OF POISON.

    To be honest I never thought the day would come when I would play a video game as Poison's front man, and let's face it, neither did you.

  • CIVIL ENGINEER.

    OK, we all know what to do when disaster strikes, we call Superman, or the A-team, or throw up the Bat Signal. What we don't do is immediately apply for planing permission to build that mall we always wanted. But that's what games like Sim City encourage you to do, where one man might see an impoverished ghetto area in need of drastic regeneration, you see a target for Godzilla to belly-flop onto. It seems not even the Almighty himself can stop the progress of the local planning committee, which has given delusions of grandeur to local council offices for the last 20 years. Thanks Will.

  • NEWS REPORTER.

    Reporting the news in most video games usually amounts to you screaming down the headset that your health is low and you "NEED THAT GODDAMN HEALTHPACK!!!" But sometimes reporting the news in video games isn't that bad, especially when a story like "Dancing aliens are attacking! And only the combination of my ludicrously short orange skirt and Michael Jackson can stop them" comes along. Well it would stop me from changing the channel at any rate.

  • PARTIALLY EATEN PIZZA.

    Of all the strange protagonists listed, this one is the hardest to define. I mean What is a pac? How can I be sure it is male? And what is it's strange affiliations to fruit, pharmaceuticals and the occult? Even it's peers at the time could be imaginatively identified, the Asteroids ship could be a space ship. The Space Invaders could be little aliens. But what the hell is Pacman? What is his goal in life? Maybe we'll never know. Maybe Mr and Miss Pacman are happily living on a killscreen somewhere. I like to think so.
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