So it's been quite a while since Too Human was released. I tried and enjoyed the demo at the time, but couldn't justify the purchase. Now that I've got some spare cash and the dust has settled over the whole Too Human debate, I thought I'd pick it up and see if my enjoyment of the demo all those months ago was a fluke.

Definitely the first thing that hit me when I booted up the game was how captivating the game universe, if the not the story itself, really is. That whole "cyber vikings" thing seems to work a lot better than one might think. It's pretty easy to just shrug off the idea with "that's not creative, they just took preexisting mythology and replaced everyone's horned helmets with cybernetic implants," but to see it alive on the screen, it's pretty hard to deny the (for lack of a better word) coolness of the whole world. And to be fair, cybernetic implants are pretty sweet. They've got the cyber-future valkyries with their metal wings, and the "gods" wearing these futuristic suits with fur and nordic designs that look like a cross between Star Trek and... fur. There's also just some cool general sci-fi stuff in there, like my personal favorite touch, eyeglasses represented as small metal prongs on either side of the head that project holographics lenses over the wearer's eyes when needed. I wouldn't mind wearing those glasses.

For everything I like about the fictional world, I wish I could say as much for the story itself. I'm not too far in, but to be honest, I'm already lost. Maybe I would understand a little better if I knew more about Norse mythology? I've got no clue, but I do know that they've not compelled me to pay attention more. Let's try to lay down what I know so far. You're Baldur. He's like... badass 'n shit. His wife was killed because of some other guy who betrayed the "gods" after becoming half-robot as an experiment. I guess he's sided with the robots now? Did I mention they're fighting robots? Yeah they're fighting robots, but fuck me if I know why. So he's with the robots now because he's like... more of a robot than a person now? Like Darth Vader, right? That's all I can really think about anytime they try to bring up the issue of cybernetics. They try to make me care about humans handing over their humanity in return for cybernetic enhancements, but all I hear is old Ben Kenobi going "He's more machine now, than man..." in my head, over and over again. And I giggle. Not that I think it's not an interesting concept, but the execution is pretty lackluster so far. It doesn't help that I have no fucking clue what the robots are or why we want to kill them. but I can follow Metal Gear stories like 70% of the time, so I don't think that's my fault.

Oh yeah, and the world is supposedly ruined, and they want it to be return to the green paradise it was, ages ago. and sometimes you go into the cyber matrix home of the weird sisters, and it looks all lush in there, like it used to be in the real world. GET IT?! BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A COMPUTER, BUT IT'S GREEN AND NATURY IN THERE, AND COLD AND ROBOTIC IN THE REAL WORLD!!! IRONYYYY!!! Kids, that's what we in the biz call "irony".

I planned to also write about the gameplay, but it's rather late, and I think I'll leave that for later.

It now occurs to me that Silicon Knights should probably be given some kind of medal for what they did in making this game. Hold on, hear me out. Sure, the characters in this game are referred to as "gods", but at least they don't say that the hero characters are part of an organization known as G.O.D. or something . . . . *shudders*.... And you know, plenty of people in their position TOTALLY would have.

WOAH WOAH WOAH!! HOLD THE PHONE!! I just took a peek at the manual. Apparently your organization, referred to as Aesir in the game, is actually called AESIR CORP!!! Those. Bastards. Just... just... at least it wasn't an acronym... anything but acronyms....

WARNING: The following text is very silly.... but still true. enjoy.
 
YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS. Stop saying Zelda is a role playing game. This is not true in the slightest. I don't see why no one understands this. It's like all these gushing Nintendo fans have such an overwhelming need to convince themselves that Zelda games are sophisticated so they have to say that they're RPGs so they can feel like the Sony kids with their Final Fantasys or something. GTA is more of a roleplaying game in EVERY WAY than Zelda. Seriously, think about it. And have you ever heard someone try to tell you GTA is an RPG? Of course not. And if they did, it was in the context of "you know, when you actually think about it . . . ".

There are only two ways in which Zelda could even REMOTELY almost sorta kinda not really but still yes looked at as an RPG:

1. You increase your hearts over the course of the game
2. You play the role of Link. Just like you play the role of any other video game character in any other video game.

Though there are some definite gray areas (which Zelda does NOT fall within), I think we can agree that an RPG video game generally includes at least one, if not all of these attributes:

• Numerical stats which represent the non-concrete attributes of a character in a concrete way within the game world, whether or not the character is fully made aware of them (i.e. 15 strength, 10 agility, 7 stamina, 150 HP, etc.)
• A system of progression by which your characters stats are increased as you play, either through hard levels and the acruing of experience points or something similar, or gradual increases in the stats as specific actions are performed.
• Some kind of character specialization (i.e. character classes) which allow a character to excel at some aspects of gameplay, even at the expense of others, be it through the equipping of specialized weapons, a specific class or role choice made by the player, or sometimes naturally as certain character stats will increase and others will not based on the actions the player performs throughout the game.
• A battle system that involves "dice rolls", meaning that damage, as well as other things such as accuracy are determined through some kind of system involving chance, and then possibly modified by character and enemy stats
• Some kind of story interaction where the player is able to take part in the game and affect the story through interacting with characters, or at the very least, interact with NPCs through dialogue trees. Obviously this is probably the least common of all the attributes, but still a possibility.

Now, please understand me. It's not that a game needs all of these qualities to be an RPG, it's that Zelda has NONE of these qualities. Just face it, kids. Zelda is an action adventure game with puzzles.

Yes, you get better equipment as you play. But it's completely linear. you can ONLY use one sword all the way until a certain story point and then you can ONLY use the new sword, which is ALWAYS better. Just like in Prince of Persia: The Sand of Time.

Yes, you have a bunch of different items you can equip. So? What's the difference between link putting away his short sword and pulling out his bow, and Master Chief putting away his energy sword and pulling out his rocket launcher? NONE!

Yeah, you get more health n stuff. That happens in billions of games! That happened in Resident Evil 4, for God's sake! Which, now that I mention it, featured a much more detailed and in-depth inventory system than Zelda. AND it featured player-controlled level progression with it's weapons! Jesus, even Resident Evil 4 is more of an RPG than Zelda.

Look, don't misunderstand me. I love Zelda as much as any, and more than most. They are some of my all-time favorite games. But they're not RPGs. Plain and simple.

"But look! Din's Fire is like a magic spe-" SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

(response to Have you ever waited in line for a midnight game release before? If so, what was it like?)

The few times I've been at a midnight release for a game dealt with San Andreas, GTA IV, and Halo 3. Obviously those are pretty mainstream games, so those events were filled with, well . . . mainstream people. Lots of shady twenty-something dudes in baggy clothes. Ya know, the kind who look like they could equally be waiting for a new game or waiting for you to walk to your car by yourself holding a new game.

On the other hand, the Wii system launch was totally awesome (not to be confused with the Wii itself!!). I had to wait like 15 hours outside a Target. They got a shipment of 120 Wiis so plenty of people turned up. 15 hours outside a target sounds like it would be horrendous but it was awesome cause everyone was friendly and way into games and had a DS so there was no real shortage of fun to be had (again, not to be confused with the actual Wii). Also we had plenty of chairs and blankets and food.

Plus I made a few new friends there so that was cool. One of the girls we were hanging out with in line ended up working for Harmonix so I saw . . . her . . . again . . . at . . . the rock band launch..... Damn it! I just remembered I was at the midnight release for Rock Band! fuck! That was way awesome as well. A bunch of people from Harmonix showed up at the Best Buy we were waiting at and talked to us all about the game and the QA girls gave us free doughnuts and stickers. That was awesome!

Edit: Just went to pick up a copy of Wrath of the Lich King at midnight. Uneventful. Everyone was just kinda standing around in the store waiting for midnight and then there was one kid who was like twelve that had made some kind of elaborate, black, spiked, insane suit of armor that he was wearing, apparently under the impression that there would be other people in costumes there. Not the case. Was out of the store and in my car by 12:04, so that was nice. Then I stopped at the Wendy's next door and had to wait like 20 minutes for my chicken sandwhiches. What the eff, yo?

Somehow I've gone and let the release date for Fallout 3 COMPLETELY sneak up on me. I stumbled across some countdown clock for Fallout 3 that said like 'one day, and some-odd hours' and i was all "whaaaaa? awesome!". In stores Tuesday. Which is perfect because Tuesday is the one day of the week I don't have work or school. All-day Fallout-3-athon will be in full effect! Score!

As much as I want to get the 360 version for achievements, and just generally showing everyone on my friends list that im totally playing Fallout 3, I definitely have to get the PC version since i dropped so much money on thise beast machine (no, not Optimus Primal) sitting to my right.

I enjoyed playing Oblivion on 360 more than PC because I got to lean back and use a 360 controller and because of the framerate being pretty much locked at 30, but with this new system I'll get much better visuals than 360 and if I want, I cant sync up my 360 controller to my PC wirelessly and play that way too, so it's all good. Actually, I think i will do that. I like having mouse and keyboard controls for FPSs, but a game like Oblivion or Fallout 3 is so long and (let's face it. sometimes) tedious that I gotta make like Fat Joe said and lean back every once in a while.

Man . . . this is makin me kinda wanna go play Oblivion . . . maybe I should go see how well it runs on this new rig . . .

Haha, damn, this happens with every game. Even though I know I want whatvere game is coming out, I feel like I'm not that excited and I wish it would get pushed back, but then like 2 days before all of a sudden I get REALLY pumped. Happened with Halo 3 too. Where I was like "ah, too bad there's NO WAY I can buy this game, I don't have a damn cent." and then all of a sudden the day before the midnight release i was like "Wait a second . . . DUDE! HALO 3 IS COMING OUT!" and then somehow magically conjured $70 in front of me to go get the limited edition. Same thing for Orange Box . . . GTA IV . . . BioShock . . . Mass Effect . . . pretty much like every big game ever until I stopped being a lazy douche and got a job.

Oh wait. I'm gonna have to go finish Dead Space quick! haha! That game's all right, but ain't no way I'm gonna be wastin' time cuttin' zombie arms when there's Fallout to be playin!