Every time I introduce my friends to Rock Band or Guitar Hero, I find myself telling them, "Have you ever played guitar before? Well, it's like playing a real guitar. Kind of." Then I mentally flinch as I say that because, as all of you guitarists and string-instrument musicians know, it's not "just like" playing a real guitar.

I'm suspecting that the some of the backlash I hear about, "Oh, it's nothing like playing guitar, don't kid yourself" is due to ego -- and not necessarily wrongfully so. I mean, who wants to readily admit that years and years of musical training and practice can be sort of replicated just by playing a videogame that has one "string" and five "frets"? It's a little demeaning to the time and effort you put into perfecting your hobby / passion / career.

Let's be honest here, though: Fundamentally, at the very core, the idea is the same, and it's the easiest way to get your point across to the person holding the plastic. It's like saying "you swing just like a real batter would" when teaching someone about Wii Sports baseball. No, you're not really going to get the same control over how you pull the ball, or the height at which you swing, but fundamentally it's the same: swing the damned thing.

After getting past the cumbersome task of explaining how the note gems work, here's how I would try explaining how to physically play Guitar Hero / Rock Band guitar to a friend without saying, "It's like a real guitar":

1) The fingers on your fret hand has to be on the correct fret(s).

2) Pressing the fret button itself does not do anything, so you also have to strum to get the note to sound. The strum is what activates the note.

3) Then you get people trying to play repeating green notes by pushing down on the fret AND strumming exactly when each gem comes into contact with the line. So I tell them, no, all you have to do is hold down the fret. You don't have to press it each time. Again: it's the strum that activates the note.

4) Then some peoples' hands start getting tired from doing finger gymnastics -- lifting and putting down different fingers when different notes come down. So I tell them, if it's a "higher" note on the fret-board, you don't have to continually lift your other fingers -- you can leave the "lower" fingers down because of how the physics of a stringed instrument dictates sound.

5) I've never tried to explain how Hammer-ons and Pull-offs work. It's just too complicated to put into kindergarten off-the-street beginner terms.

Wouldn't it just be way easier to say, "Have you played a real guitar? Yes? Imagine it's like that." Immediately, they understand that they don't have to press the green fret button every single time green note comes down -- they can just hold it. They understand that fretting does nothing without actually strumming (finger-tapping notwithstanding; I'm fully aware that you can tap on a hot string and make a sound). They understand the concept behind hammer-ons and pull-offs. The understand how string physics work, and so they're not confused about whether or not they can hold down another button if they're playing a higher note.

Personally, I applied the very basic concept of cello-playing to Guitar Hero when I first started learning the game: You can put your finger somewhere on a string, but (for the most part) it ain't gonna sound until you pull your bow across that string. You don't have to push on the string every single time you want to produce the same note successive times; you just have to bow it. (...but no, you cannot tilt your cello to activate Orchestra Power.)

Next time a friend asks you how to work the plastic guitar, telling them that it's just like a real guitar isn't so bad. Or say what I say: "It's like playing guitar, but it isn't playing guitar." It'll save you a whole lotta breath.

There's another thing that a lot of people argue and cuss over, and that's whether or not playing a real guitar is "harder" than playing Guitar Hero. Honestly, the way I see it, there's no clear answer to this. Like any videogame, musical instrument, sport or otherwise, it's all about how you approach it. It's a videogame. Videogames can be harder than their real-life counterpart, and they can be easier than their real-life counterpart. You're used to doing thing one way, and when you have to adapt to the other, it's a jarring change. Imagine the batter playing Wii Sports is now looking at a ball on a flat screen, unable to control the height of his swing, yet he can hit homers from a pitching machine without a problem.

Here's the deal with Guitar Hero, the way I see it:

Guitar Hero operates on five notes and a note chart that dictates which notes need to be played in order to succeed. There's only one way to play that note. Further, think about the fact that there are only five real notes that you can play, but eight (twelve if you're talking chromatic) notes in an entire scale per octave. In other words, middle C is always middle C -- but the Yellow fret button isn't always A-flat; forget about across songs, too, because we're talking in the same song. When you're a guitarist used to the flexibility of playing any single note multiple ways, or used to being able to play a song by ear via relative or absolute pitch, of course it's going to be difficult training your ear to ignore pitch and getting used to limiting your pitch spectrum to five colors. This is why I just chuckle when people tell me that I should move onto a real guitar just because I can beat Jordan (and also coincidentally relates back to "Guitar Hero is NOT like a real guitar!!!111").

By contrast, if you're a musical neophyte, just having to follow five notes and one string is like reading the Cliff Notes version of War and Peace. Tone deaf? Screw that -- you don't need pitch. Rhythmically stupid? That's ok as long as you're on easy or medium -- the timing of the notes is easy enough to follow. Compare that to first having to learn how to read music -- as a cellist I had to friggin' learn bass, treble, and tenor clef, and then there's alto for viola players -- or memorizing the fret numbers on your guitar to read guitar tabs. Then you have to learn how to pick all six strings effectively, contort your hands into chord positions across those same strings, learn to associate the sound you make (or the note you play) with the almost infinite number of possibilities on the fretboard. Of course it's going to be harder to play a real guitar than it would be to pick up and play Guitar Hero. Someone who's a genius at Guitar Hero but knows nothing about a real guitar will still likely have to contend with the same obstacles.

Then you get people who aren't coordinated enough to follow moving stuff on a screen and associating it with the plastic instrument you're holding, though the same could be said for all videogames with these people. Maybe they'll have an easier time learning and practicing a real guitar, and vice versa: Maybe the tone deaf kid in the corner, who can't sing a lick, plays videogames really well and knows how to deal with the abstraction between screen and controller.

Which somehow leads me to my next stream of thought: I would personally like to yell at the parents who let their kid drop out of high school to play Guitar Hero "professionally." Apparently, the $1000 he's "earned" so far has been in free meals and other freebies and NOT in cash. How he convinced his parents that school was a waste of time, and Guitar Hero wasn't, is frankly beyond me -- especially with how much flak videogames are getting today (but that's another story). At the same time, I'd just as easily turn around and say that if the kid wanted to start a band, and he was good at music, dropping out of high school isn't ideal but it's not as ridiculous as dropping out to play Guitar Hero.

That's not to say that Guitar Hero players are losers, but it's simple logic according to the times: There's still a certain prestige for many people, for better or worse, to becoming a musician over playing games professionally, simply because there's a longer history of playing music as a career over playing games. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying that this is a perception that most people have, and that likely affects first how you'll get paid and second how you'll network and gain followers. Also, you don't necessarily have to be completely talented in every area to succeed in music, first because a band is a team effort and second because "successful bands" are born through different means (it could be lyrics; it could be production; it could be stage presence and/or looks... I hear Sid Vicious couldn't even play bass).

If you want to compete in Guitar Hero professionally, you likely have to be really. Damn. Good. You want to drop out of school and play the guy who FC'ed Through The Fire And Flames (Iamchris4life) in a tournament that will determine your income? Good luck, buddy. Yeah, sure -- Fatal1ty did drop out of school, and his counselor even encouraged him to do so -- but is this kid as good as Fatal1ty was in his game of choice? Will he be good enough to compete against those FCers on youTube? If he is, then bless him, and more power to him. But man -- the kid is 16. Only one (or two, depending on if he's an early-year birth) more year of high school to go. Just graduate at least -- or spend the time to get a G.E.D. Now I'm ranting and rambling, and I apologize. So I'll stop.

 Final Fantasy IV is one of my all-time favorite Japanese role-playing games. It was my first true console RPG, coming in the form of the altered-for-the-USA Final Fantasy II. While Final Fantasy VI vies for my favorite game of all time (that versus Metroid Prime; it depends on my mood), I'm more familiar with its predecessor. So, as I played through Final Fantasy IV for the DS, I made sure to keep an eye out for little changes.

One of the more advertised changes -- at least in the gaming press -- was the level of difficulty. Many enemies hit harder, dropped less gold, and developed new and dangerous habits since the last outing on the Gameboy Advance. For the first time, I found myself legitimately struggling to get past game over screens on account of some more particularly mean nasties. Here are some of the enemies / enemy groupings that gave me a particularly tough time, much moreso than in the original, until I was able to grind for a reasonable amount of time.

Disclaimer: I don't remember the names and numbers exactly, and since I'm at work I can't look up GameFAQs. So, please excuse me if my numbers aren't spot-on. I just remember getting pwnt by these enemies and I'm trying to approximate.

1 Raven, 2 Cockatrices - Near Mysidia, After Leviathan's Storm

On second thought, this isn't much different than in years past. This is particularly tough in any of the Final Fantasy IV games because Cecil's alone, and one cast of Petrify means lights out. While Petrify isn't a one-hit kill, I found that I was unable to defeat all three enemies before the Petrify took full effect. It seemed to be even more difficult this time around to avoid this fate, so in the end, I had to just jam on the RUN button. Cecil grinders, save after EVERY battle.

2 Fire Dogs - Tower of Babil, After Calcobrena and before Edge

Unless you've been really grinding your tail off, whenever you encounter Fire Dogs, you're likely to have issues. In the Tower of Zot, just one Fire Dog is enough to incapacitate you if you're not careful. The real test comes, though, when you're wandering about the Tower of Babil. Here's the problem: A Fire Dog's inferno attack hits your entire party for 800 damage or more. At around that time, my stronger guys were between 1500 and 2000 hit points. Rosa was still struggling to get to 1300, and Rydia had just broken 1000 or so. Now, you get two Fire Dogs throwing that crap at you, and you've got an almost dead party after two Infernos. It does no good if there's someone still hanging on for dear life, as a Phoenix Down won't heal nearly enough for you to survive a third Inferno blast -- and boy, those Fire Dogs are fast. So what do you do? Well, hope that you either get a Preemptive Strike, or that Rydia's ATB bar is near full at the outset of the battle. That way you might be able to pull off a Stop attack on one mutt, buying you time to heal and cast Slow on the other one. Then either Cecil or Rosa can cast Shell. I'll say this: I was booted back to the title screen probably five times while exploring the first floor. Not fun.

6 Luna Virus - Moon

These guys aren't tough as much as they are annoying, and this wouldn't be on the list were I a more patient person. But, at some point I always make the mistake of casting a spell on these suckers. You know what they do when you hit 'em with magic? They cast reraise. Every. Single. One. So, if you hit all six Luna Virii with a spell that doesn't kill 'em, you have to sit there and wait for them to each cast Reraise on themselves. Kill three of them, and they'll just get resurrected. Moral of the story: Be patient and hit them with a sword. No, they shouldn't be on this difficulty-themed list. But I hate 'em. So up they go.

3 Dark Sages - Lunar Caverns / Lunar Subterranae

The first time I encountered three Dark Sages, my guys ranged from between 2000 and 3500 hit points. One Dark Sage will cast a third-level elemental spell (Firaga, Blizzaga, Thundaga) on either one of your party (2500+ damage) or your entire party (900 - 1100 damage per member). Three Dark Sages = massive FAIL if they decide to all cast spells, and at least two of them involve hitting Rosa. I'd encountered many situations where the first two Dark Sages would take out Rydia and Edge (Rydia with the least HP, Edge with the lowest defense), and the third one would nail Rosa (just under 2500HP) as she was casting a Raise spell. Then comes the ridiculous pattern of Cecil casting Raise on someone, only to have that person's meager resurrection HP get knocked out by another third-level spell. Your odds are obviously much better if both Rosa and Cecil are alive. The same thing with the fire dogs apply here: Nail one with Stop, then Slow the rest and Stop them one by one. Thankfully, Shell is more effective by this point in the game, so even if Cecil is the first in line to attack, casting Shell helps more than it would have back with the Fire Dogs.

1 Red Giant - Lunar Caverns / Lunar Subterranae

Yeah. One Red Giant. Emission (which is what it was called in FFII-SNES), another all-party fire-based attack, causes a lot more damage per hit (try 1100+ each target). He also counter-attacks against almost everything (or it seemed like it) for heavy physical damage. His Beam attack also causes four-digit damage. You also CANNOT cast Stop on him. So even if you manage to throw a Slow his way, he'll still walk through the mud to get you. The only solution here until you grind up is to heal excessively. It doesn't matter that you just cast Curaga on someone who has 80% of his HP; you never know if he might have been hit with a Beam attack before, so it's worth the MP hit.

2 Blue Dragons - Lunar Caverns / Lunar Subterranae

Take everything about the Fire Dogs and translate them to ice. A Blue Dragon's Ice Storm can hit you for up to 1500+ per party member. One Blue Dragon on its own isn't bad. If you can get EITHER a Slow or Stop on it, you'll have the upper hand already. But two Blue Dragons? Nuh-uh. Blue Dragons are incredibly fast, and almost always lead off battles. Even if I'd get a Preemptive Strike, I'd find myself clicking the A button on Stop just as the first Ice Storm came my way. There was then a 50-50 chance that the second Ice Storm would hit before Rydia could cast the Stop spell. Good stuff, yeah? Oh, before I forget: A Blue Dragon's physical attack renders the target mute. Good luck one decides to hit Rydia after you select Stop, and the other decides to hit Rosa or Cecil after you select Esuna to help Rydia.

Caignazzo - Castle Baron

Hey look! Caignazzo isn't a pushover anymore! Remember in FFII-SNES, where casting Lit-3 a few times put him under in like, 3 or 4 rounds? Remember in FFIV-PSone/GBA where casting Thundaga was almost as effective, though not as quick? Well, this time around Caignazzo has a nasty habit of counterattacking with either Slow, Tsunami, or a physical attack much more often than before. Tellah, Palom and Porom are pretty much fish food if he pulls off the Tsunami, and Yang's usually not far behind on account of his gimped defense rating. Yeah, hitting him with a lightning spell when he raises his water barrier puts it down, but you have to cast it extra fast because Caignazzo is absurdly speedy in this game.

Lunasaur - Lunar Subterranae, guarding the two Ribbons

Ok, so the fight in which I beat it was really easy. Here's the thing: The first fight against it went really, really badly for me. He will hit you with either slow, confuse, blind, or maybe all of the above. It did precisely that during my first battle, and I can't remember if it hit me with Silence too, but I sort of feel like it did. So my attacking people were confused, my healing people slow, and my confused attacking people hit my healing people, then hit each other, and then the last man standing was Cecil, whose wimpy Raise was rendered moot whenever the Lunasaur would hit whoever was just resurrected, and then he'd hit Cecil with confuse, and then Cecil would kill himself... stream of thought means I'm pissed. Lunasaur memories anger me.

Can't think of any others at the moment. Must get back to work. Must forget Lunasaur.

(Relatively) short one this week. Rock Revolution has some gutsy tracks. But come on -- Sk8r Boi? What? And by the way, IDG wants us to know that Fatal1ty is the "face" of E for All (er?), but Gabe and Tycho want us to know that Penny Arcade will curb stomp him if he even shows up at PAX. Al and Tony mumble over how to beat Phantasy Star II, which Tony is STILL playing. GameTap is being sold off -- tears of sadness :( -- without a prospective buyer named thus far. And, of course there's the requisite waxing remake-ish about Final Fantasy IV for DS thanks to the mailbaggio. Special guest appearance -- somewhere -- by Guillermo. Though he doesn't know it yet, and he probably never will...

Musical interludes courtesy of:

Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Long Title (GCN)
Ratchet & Clank (PS2)

Download here.
File size: 39.7 MB
Running time: 1:22:49

Want to be heard? Hit the mailbag - mailbag AT trigames DOT net.
Want previous episodes? Hit the Podcast Homepage.
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To quote us in this episode: we discuss the LACKLUSTER MESS that was E3. But only for a bit. We take questions about Giant Bomb, discuss Al's shrinking backlog, and even throw in some random movie and iPod rambling for almost no reason other than just 'cuz. Which is cool, you know, just... cuz. Yeah!

Musical interludes courtesy of:

The Red Wings - Final Fantasy IV (SNES / GBA / DS)
The Minish Town - The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap (GBA)

Download here.
File size: 59.5
Running time: 2:04:02

Want to be heard? Hit the mailbag - mailbag AT trigames DOT net.
Want previous episodes? Hit the Podcast Homepage.
You can review us on iTunes, while you're at it.
Add us to your RSS reader or iTunes feed! http://trigames.net/rss.xml

Yeah, no, Episode 101 isn't posted yet. It will be up tomorrow. In the meantime, send your questions / comments to the mailbag: MAILBAG at TRIGAMES dot NET. (As always, we almost certainly won't read anything NOT sent to the mailbag. So send it there.) I might have a hankering for discussing the Final Fantasy IV DS remake in detail, so that's just a warning for those who don't want things spoiled. If I do, I'll try to have it the beginning or end so that you can more easily avoid it. Meanwhile, Al continues to conquer his backlog, so if you have any comments / questions about that, send 'em in.

As I start to remember the games I've sold back for store credit or eBay monies, I'll start jotting them down in der blogenheimer. Of course, I can't remember everything I've sold back but again -- it'll be a growing list. Here's part two of who-the-hell knows. If you want to see part one,HEREit is.

Red Steel (Wii) - Does this really need any explanation? From using a poor man's Keanu Reeves (circa Point Break) to do the voice acting for chop-shop gangstas with Jheri curls, to glitches in which you witnessed enemy character models in their inactiveVitruvian Manpositions or saw frozen enemies through whom your bullets passed without any reaction, to the awful butchering of mouselook, Red Steel had the makings of a phenomal "FAIL." Quite honestly, I believe that with some more work, without the pressures of pushing a launch title, and with the addition of Wii Motion Plus, the development team at Ubisoft could make a serviceable sequel. But the first game? Blech.

Manhunt (PS2) - I looked all over for this and finally found it for $15 used. Then it was available on STEAM like, two days later, with better controls and graphics, courtesy of my PC. Yay for good timing?

Jak & Daxter (PS2) - No, I do not want to collect 7 pieces of fruit, 9 insects, 238 power cells and 3884x^2 yellow orbs to advance to the next level. Don't you remember why I stayed away from Donkey Kong 64 and virtually every other Rare platformer on the planet (save for Conker's Bad Fur Day)? Don't you remember why I sold back...

...Starfox Adventures (GCN) - Bafmodads.ENOUGH SAID. (Hi, Rare! Thanks for Banjo Kollecti!)

Tokobot (PSP) - This game was a charming, inventive little platformer, and I actually did enjoy much of my experience with it. The problem was that it eventually got way too slow for my tastes, and that can be taken literally -- just look at the main character's walking speed. The camera was also a little annoying too. Maybe I should have stuck with it a bit longer but I think by that point, I cared more about playing Mega Man Powered Up than watch my character trudge through invisible mud. Maybe one day if a sequel comes out with better foot-speed, I'll give it a whirl.

Street Fighter Alpha 3 Upper (GBA) - A surprisingly good conversion of possibly my favorite Street Fighter game (neck-and-neck with II' Hyper Fighting). But at some point I got frustrated with its controls. Street Fighter II Turbo Revival for the GBA did a better job mapping six attacks to four buttons, and I don't understand why Crawfish couldn't use the exact same technique for SFA3 Upper. In any event, there was this little game called Street Fighter Alpha 3 MAX released for the PSP, which ends up being a near-perfect translation (albeit with a horrendous D-pad). Perhaps you've heard of it.

Super Mario Sunshine (GCN) - Take Super Mario 64 and put it on one side. Then, take Super Mario Sunshine and stand it right next to SM64. Now, take Super Mario Galaxy and put it adjacent to Sunshine so all three games are standing next to each other as if in a bookshelf. One of these things is not like the other! Let's find out which one. Smash the book-end games into each other. Which one gets crushed in the middle? Sunshine! Which one deserved to get crushed? Sunshine! Which one did I not crush but instead sold back to get funds for something else? Sunshine! F.L.U.D.D. was abhorrently (is that a word?) lame, the levels were the annoying kind of "challenging" where I felt more relieved than accomplished that I finally got a Shine, and the camera needed a swift kick to the rectum. Super Mario Sunshine, I choose you! To be the only Mario platformer that I failed to enjoy.

WipEout Pure (PSP) - I don't know why I bought this in the first place, but after my third race of ultra-slow-but-I'm-supposed-to-think-it's-fast-and-visceral action, I remembered why I eventually put down WipEout 3 for the PSone. Then I saw Burnout Legends and figured that if I wanted a fast racing game, I could go get a fast racing game. I threw WipEout Pure back at the store and proceeded to... not buy Burnout Legends for what ends up being probably another year or two. But the important thing, kids, is that I did get it. Because knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe. End credits. (Ned ftw)

Tomb Raider Legend (X360) - Now this is an odd duck in the list. This is one game that I played from beginning to end and thoroughly enjoyed. Mediocre gunplay aside, the Prince of Persia (revision Ubi) mechanics really worked out well for Lara, and I loved being able to solve the environmental puzzles without walking around like a tank. I sold this game back because after all was said and done, I was just finished with it. I had no gumption to play it any more past its ending; I didn't care about getting achievements for it (in fact I really don't give a hoot about achievements period) and quite honestly I was just ready for the next one. Which means that yes, at some point, I'll be playing Tomb Raider: Anniversary happily. TR:Legend is one of those games that I'd put in the "It'd be nice to have to play whenever I wanted" bin, but I've never once felt that pang of regret, so I'll say I made the right choice here. Besides, even if I did ever want to play it again, it's on GameTap...

Kameo: Elements of Power (X360) - lulz moer liek kamo elements of COLLECT! (Oh, hi Rare, it's you again!)

Resident Evil 4 (GCN) - Resident Evil 4 is hands-down one of the best damn games I've ever played. Guess what? Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition makes it obsolete. Goodbye!

An aside: If you're wondering why the list so far is devoid of original Xbox titles, it's because I have so few of them. I've not once sold an Xbox title back, save for NBA 2K5 which makes some sense because it's a sports game. Usually I figure that I'll sell back a game I don't like when I've realized after some extensive play that I'd really rather be playing something else; I have barely played my Xbox titles long enough to ever get to that point, and the ones I have played for a long time, I've absolutely loved (Ninja Gaiden: Black, Panzer Dragoon Orta).

As usual, more as I think of 'em.

As I start to remember the games I've sold back for store credit or eBay monies, I'll start jotting them down in der blogenheimer. Of course, I can't remember everything I've sold back but again -- it'll be a growing list. Here's part one of who-the-hell knows.

Manhunt 2 (Wii) - I have to admit: Part of me wanted to buy Manhunt 2 because I was interested in seeing just how "terrible" it was that it had to be rated AO, banned, and subsequently neutered. Considering that -- according to what I heard at least -- the only things that were really censored were the killing blows, I figured I'd see if there was anything egregious about the rest of the content that was more offensive than the original Manhunt. As I mentioned in an editorial a while ago, I now believe that this AO rating was simply a reaction to the previous uproar over Rockstar's games -- unless they cut out a LOT of stuff that the public never got to hear about. Nevertheless, I looked online for a video that showed the un-censored version of the PSP port and... well, really, people, there was nothing worse about Manhunt 2's content when compared to the original Manhunt.

With that out of the way, then, what made me sell it back was the complete lack of compelling gameplay or design. It simply didn't feel intense or gritty. At times, it even felt silly. I found myself growing impatient with the game, running around willy-nilly and then just jumping into a shadow if some clown saw me. It just felt like the developers tried to force the dirty, screwed-up motif of the first game into this second one without taking the time to look back and say, "Does this work? Does this feel forced? Is it getting campy, even?" I'm highly enjoying the first Manhunt via STEAM, because the stealth gameplay somehow feels more refined. It's hard to really put a finger on it, but in the end, there really was just no reason for me to keep Manhunt 2. Well, maybe except for the motion-controlled kills, which were really fun. Then again, I look at the fact that the store credit I got back was put towards my purchase of Final Fantasy IV DS... yeah.

Animal Crossing: Wild World (NDS) - At the time I was pondering selling Animal Crossing: Wild World back (which -- by the way -- along with Manhunt 2 and the soon-to-be-mentioned Nintendogs went towards the FFIV DS fund), I thought: "I never play this game anymore. I don't ever feel the need to play it again." It was that simple. There was nothing wrong with AC:WW. It was actually quite fun for the time that I put into it. However, it was also quite aimless, and that's what ultimately made me put it down. I stopped caring about getting bells to pay off my mortgage and started caring more about getting a Not Guilty verdict for Maya Fey, or trying to come to grips with Metroid Prime: Hunters' awful level design (at some point that might be on the chopping block, too, now that I think about it), or trying to unlock ROB in Mario Kart DS (never happened, sadly), or conquering opposing armies in Age of Empires: Rise of Kings (a great DS miniaturizing of the PC version; I very much recommend it). It's ultimately why I ended up disliking The Sims, after which I built four walls around my Sim in a one-tile space and set it to Fast Forward (since then I've never been at all interested in any Sims games).

Nintendogs: Chihuahua and Friends (NDS) - When I turned on my copy of Nintendogs, I saw Homer, my boxer, walking around with his little bandana. No fleas, surprisingly, even though I hadn't spent time with him in literally over 2 years. I felt a pang of guilt, knowing that I was about to erase this file to sell the game back. Then I realized that were Homer real, and that if I had treated him in real life the way I treated him in this game, he'd pretty much be dead right now (remember: TWO YEARS). Then I realized, after looking at my sleeping cat, that HOMER IS NOT REAL. I then finally realized that if I gave a flying flubb about taking care of this fake dog by way of this admittedly fun non-game, then I would have done so. Turns out, I'd rather take care of a real pet and play games on my DS. Nintendogs was lots of fun for the time I put into it, but I just didn't care to put time into it anymore and frankly, with all of these great DS games I have in my backlog, I never will. Bye Homer! Hi Final Fantasy IV DS, and damn you for ruining my backlog hopes and dreams!

Diablo and Diablo II (Windows) - I think I got conned on this one. Some jerk told me my discs weren't working and so he sent them back to me. Anyway, I sold them to another eBayer, and I couldn't be happier for it. Diablo is one of those things that I start liking a LOT, getting into the lore like any well-behaved geek, reading about its backstory, trying to eke details out of every nook and cranny in the game. And then after a few weeks I realize how much my index finger hurts, then I realize how much I hate doing nothing but pulling the Final Fight tactic of walking around and isolating each critter (left click) or waiting by the door and then hacking (left click) them to pieces (left click), one (left click) by (left click) one (left click). Which begs the question: What is playing a videogame, at its rawest core, apart from using your thumbs and fingers to repeatedly press a series of buttons? Why should I be so upset at Diablo when something like, say, Planescape Torment (I love that game), is very similar but with just less rapid and less frequent clicking? Then it hit me: I never, ever, ever, ever used my brain once while playing Diablo. So I stopped playing it. Then Diablo II came out, and my roommates in college were all over it, and so I forgot that I eventually hated the first game and omg i have to go to teh store and buy teh gam omg zaweosmsez and.... after a few weeks my index finger hurt again, and my brain was atrophying, and I hated Diablo II too. So eventually I eBayed them.

Epilogue: With Diablo III on the horizon, I felt pangs of regret. "Maybe I was too harsh on this game. Maybe I should give it another shot." I go through these things, you know. I was seriously contemplating giving Final Fantasy VIII another shot before I remembered that every battle came down to incessant Drawing and 9923984-second-long summons. But Diablo III was coming out! I should give it another try! Should -- nay -- must! So while I was in my hotel room after coming back from work one night, I downloaded the Diablo single-player demo which happily worked on my Windows XP laptop. For the first 30 minutes, I told myself, "Boy, am I glad I gave this another shot!" After that, my index finger piped up again and questioned why, after seven years, I had to bring back all of its repressed memories. My brain also gave me a wistful, pained look, and at that point it hit me: "You hate this game. REMEMBER?" And oh yes, I remembered. I remembered all too well.

Sonic and the Secret Rings (Wii) - I was so sorely disappointed by this buffoonery. I was presented with summarily horrendous voice acting upon putting the disc in, but that was ok -- it's Sonic. Of course it's going to stink up the acting job. The art, though, was enchanting. The in-game visuals, while not "next-gen", were smooth, fast and beautiful nonetheless. Even the initially awkward, tilty gameplay was easy to get used to, and I was having a blast just going through levels at top speed, collecting rings and bashing enemies with my airborne attack. Then the stupid missions came in. "Collect 50 rings!" "Complete this section without getting hit once!" "Collect 50 rings without getting hit once!" "Find five special gems!" If you put all four of these goals into Babelfish and translated them from Sonic to English, the result would be: "You go back play level you just play real fast and had funs with, only this times you do it again! Many times! Very slow! Very not like the Sonic that is good, but like the Sonic that is bad!" Yeah. I hate you, Sonic and the Secret Rings, and I hope you fester and rot in the Used Games bin that I subjected you to.

More as I think of 'em.