By Pepsiman 109 Comments
So I'm told that today is apparently Valentine's Day or, in some circles, Vamulumtime's Day, or, as I prefer to call it, "That Day We All Need To Celebrate Our Love and Relationship Arbitrarily Even Though Every Day Should Really Be a Good Day to do That... Day." It's a time of year filled with lots of pretentious reserved dinner dates, bad, expensive chocolate, and, if you're lucky, conveniently forgotten condoms, leading to a soon-to-be-existent third member of the exclusive lovey-dovey clique to fall in love with by this time next year. Of course, this means it's a great day all around, even on a completely objective level.
At least, if you're an ORDINARY PERSON. A LAME ordinary person at that.
Today, I propose, is Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day.
Now you might be wondering what, exactly, an Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day is in the first place. This is understandable, at least if you're among the very few who can be deemed "the uninitiated." You see, Almighty Comrade Satonaka Day is the most important holiday of the year for the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution, an organization for which I advocated tirelessly on this very site just a few short years ago. Contrary to popular reports on CNN, Sankaku Complex, and Jeuxvideo, the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution is an organization still going strong, continuing to fight the good fight in bringing deflation to lunch room prices and freedom to those oppressed by those loathsome dictators we call "lunch ladies," or as we members prefer to wittingly call them, "lunch haties." (Not to be confused with the country Haiti. They're actually our number one ally in the fight against all non-Vanguard things!) Our group is so successful, in fact, that we even have a presence on Steam, which is the true indicator of legitimacy for any organization and not just a sad hub for TF2 addicts.
Of course, all I've done is explain the history and significance of Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day and not the actual mechanics of, you know, celebrating it. That, luckily, is so simple that even non-members can do it without much of a fear of getting arrested or scolded by their (actual?) lovers for scorning them. Essentially, all you do is yell at the top of your lungs just how much you love Almighty Comrade Satonaka, why you're devoted to her, and just what exactly you do to ensure that the flames of your passion are always lit, knowing full well that, like every member of the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution, she must be a companion for all of the people and never actually romantically into you. She's is both everyone's wife (or waifu, if you're into that) and nobody's at the same time. But that's okay, since real love comes from having yours not being reciprocated! Anybody's who's gotten a restraining order and/or been on Dr. Phil for relationship problems can attest to this very fact.
You can do the actual yelling in any place, although Almighty Comrade Satonaka is only truly pleased if you do in front of crowded areas filled with couples lovestruck at each other's presence, feigning affection for the sake of maintaining social mores and convincing themselves that all the expensive stuff really, really is worth it for everything that comes at the end. However, for practicing purposes, I'll let you express your undying devotion to her here in this thread. Just make sure to actually go and do it in the real world, too. For example, every year I like to say...
Now it's your turn. Celebrate Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day in your own way right here and now! So long as Almighty Comrade Satonaka knows you're affectionate for her, any way is a-okay with her. Come on. Don't be shy. I know I just didn't scare you off and have, in fact, sold you on the superiority of Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day over bad old Valvolinetine's. My argument is, in fact, foolproof and has also convinced on the prospect of joining the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution if you had not already done so all those year's ago, even if we're already brimming with members and can't hope to accept any new followers at this time. Even if your true heretical love happens to be for Yukiko, Rise, or heaven forbid, Kashiwagi, you should shut up and put up since all those ladies have days of celebration and devotion of their own, too. Legally, speaking, you are obligated to celebrate Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day anyway, so you really have no choice. Come one and come all! Let's count the ways that we oh so love our dearest Almighty Comrade Satonaka so!
Happy Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day, fellow comrades! You'd best make it a fantastic one for your own sake and safety!