I posted these screens to my personal Tumblr (properly sourced, of course) since a lot of people follow me on there for my own translation work and apparently they just reused the existing English text that was present in the Chinese release more or less whole hog.
The chinese release was much much MUCH worse. It had such gems as "That black man is assaulting the maid" or "How dare you defy the Legendary Bench in the Legendary Place!". Though that doesn't excuse the game for almost never using pronouns. It also uses "tsundere" non ironically.
A patch may be coming to fix the translation.
Oh man. This saga continues to get better and better by the day.
I haven't bought a game for its botched localization since Castle Shikigami 2, but that version especially sounds like a worthy successor. I do wanna legit play the game at some point, so I'll probably just pick up the Japanese edition at some point, but the allure of a beautifully terribly translation is simply too much for me to ignore.
I thank you for enlightening me.