How to play Duke Nukem Forever if you never tried Duke Nukem 3-D

I get it, I'm old. At some point the calendar flipped and I became a member of the old guard. You young turks with your "Gears of War" and your "Halo" and your "Call of Duty." You're the popular kids. The ones with the dollars that drive budgets and get stuff done. Well it turns out that some of you are going to have to play (or at least be confused by) a new game coming out this spring; "Duke Nukem Forever" a game that has been in development longer than some of you sugar fried midgets have been alive. You're going to want it because it is a "fps" and those are the only games you lot seem to play. Well before you chuck the controller into mommy and daddy's new 3-D HD 57" TV let me bring you up to speed on the Duke.
 

Get to Cover! (or Don't)

In the 90s we didn't know what cover was, nine times out of ten a player only won if he could get the biggest gun first. So when you see an over-turned car or waist high piece of rubble don't duck behind it. Ducking is for pussies and people with an unnatural affinity for water fowl. Grab your gun and run straight at whatever most looks like it wants to die.
 

Plot, NPCs and Other Distractions

You kids might be used to listening to computer controlled robots slowly dolling out pieces of 'plot' that advance the 'narrative' of the game. HOGWASH! Rule number one of Duke Nukem: if the computer controls it - KILL IT! Done. Next!
 

The Environment and You

Do you want to hear some dick and fart jokes? Click everything in the environment. Do you not want to hear dick and fart jokes? Shoot at everything in the environment. Done!
 

Achievements and Trophies

At some point the lot of you stopped playing games for fun and instead for things called "Achievements." BWAH! Duke doesn't need a computer to tell him he is a badass. Duke @#$%-ing knows he is a badass. Duke's friends don't need to know Duke is a badass they know he is a @#$%-ing badass! Time to cowboy up kiddies, you don't shoot aliens because you're going to get a merit badge you shoot them because they stole your strippers or something...actually you just shoot them!
 

Multi-player!

There is only one Duke, the world couldn't handle two...neither can you.
 
 
There you go kids. Remember if you think "Duke Nukem: Forever" sucks it isn't because it was in development for the better part of three Presidential terms, or because it isn't freakin' amazing. It is because you don't know what a good game is because all of your games suck.  Or at least that is what Duke would think.
15 Comments
16 Comments
Posted by Punk1984

I get it, I'm old. At some point the calendar flipped and I became a member of the old guard. You young turks with your "Gears of War" and your "Halo" and your "Call of Duty." You're the popular kids. The ones with the dollars that drive budgets and get stuff done. Well it turns out that some of you are going to have to play (or at least be confused by) a new game coming out this spring; "Duke Nukem Forever" a game that has been in development longer than some of you sugar fried midgets have been alive. You're going to want it because it is a "fps" and those are the only games you lot seem to play. Well before you chuck the controller into mommy and daddy's new 3-D HD 57" TV let me bring you up to speed on the Duke.
 

Get to Cover! (or Don't)

In the 90s we didn't know what cover was, nine times out of ten a player only won if he could get the biggest gun first. So when you see an over-turned car or waist high piece of rubble don't duck behind it. Ducking is for pussies and people with an unnatural affinity for water fowl. Grab your gun and run straight at whatever most looks like it wants to die.
 

Plot, NPCs and Other Distractions

You kids might be used to listening to computer controlled robots slowly dolling out pieces of 'plot' that advance the 'narrative' of the game. HOGWASH! Rule number one of Duke Nukem: if the computer controls it - KILL IT! Done. Next!
 

The Environment and You

Do you want to hear some dick and fart jokes? Click everything in the environment. Do you not want to hear dick and fart jokes? Shoot at everything in the environment. Done!
 

Achievements and Trophies

At some point the lot of you stopped playing games for fun and instead for things called "Achievements." BWAH! Duke doesn't need a computer to tell him he is a badass. Duke @#$%-ing knows he is a badass. Duke's friends don't need to know Duke is a badass they know he is a @#$%-ing badass! Time to cowboy up kiddies, you don't shoot aliens because you're going to get a merit badge you shoot them because they stole your strippers or something...actually you just shoot them!
 

Multi-player!

There is only one Duke, the world couldn't handle two...neither can you.
 
 
There you go kids. Remember if you think "Duke Nukem: Forever" sucks it isn't because it was in development for the better part of three Presidential terms, or because it isn't freakin' amazing. It is because you don't know what a good game is because all of your games suck.  Or at least that is what Duke would think.
Edited by awesomehawk

Very true. 
Although I am part of the same generation of gamers, I have always wondered why people think the sun shines out of the arse of any game that has "Call of Duty"  within the title.  
There has been barely any innovation in gaming today as developers realise that most gamers are stupid and will therefore buy anything, thus allowing them to put minimum effort into their games, i.e. two of the only things I (and most players) really liked was Spec Ops and Zombies, so you'd think treyarch would put both of them together in their most recent game, especially since there was enough space on this disk to throw a keg party since they only bother to put a 6 hr story and multiplayer on it, but nooooooooo, they just put Zombies on it. This is simply a pure act of lazyness. 
I can't wait to play DNF. 
We may finally play a FPS with a bit of substance.

Posted by Wrighteous86
@Punk1984: Didn't Duke have multiplayer, where everyone played as Duke?
Posted by Punk1984
@Wrighteous86:  Yeah it did but it was so awesome it would lobotomize the memories out of your mind the minute the match was over. My point was (in a highly sarcastic manner) that Multi-player in a Duke title is an afterthought, as it should be. I mean come on two Dukes can't whiz in the same urinal, that would just be un-Duke like.
Posted by CornBREDX
Even though this is (probably unintentionally) flame bait, I approve of this post because it's funny and because I'm old and feel this way about modern games sometimes too. While I do like narrative and what not, I also play for fun and don't get all this hoopla about achievements.
I also play old games more than the current gen ones so- that's probably all you need to know about me.
I already know the internet is waiting to bash DNF. I also fully expect I will enjoy it. So, whatever- let the kids have their games. This ones for those of us that actually witnessed game development become mainstream. I'm not saying the game will be great, technically I expect it to be flawed beyond belief, but I do expect I will still enjoy it.
=)
 
@Wrighteous86:  Yes haha
Posted by HandsomeDead
Posted by Napalm

This blog is absolutely awesome, and I demand more people read this. Also, this post is not flamebait. This is obviously meant to be a humorous take on the release of one of the biggest gaming legacies, or a running gag in the midst of a new generation of gamers.  
 
Keep up the good work, sir!

Posted by gamb1t

All the kiddies are to busy playing halo/call of duty we need to reach these dumbasses a better way then this!
 
But this thread is so true and makes me feel old in a good way.

Posted by EquitasInvictus

I always thought the mechanic to rely on was strafing. Considering the default keyboard controls of Duke Nukem 3D, however, that was very difficult to do without going to setup to make strafing easier for yourself. I guess Duke Nukem 3D happened before the advent of WASD with A and D being the strafe keys...

Posted by Animasta

duke nukem is a relic of a time that died, and RIGHTFULLY SO.
 
the game after forever will be completely different than forever, just you wait and see

Posted by MikkaQ

Kinda weirds me out that a Duke Nukem game is being posed as the beacon of originality in a sea of generic shooters. I remember Duke 3D being an extremely fun Doom clone mashed with the style of action movie character that was popular at the time. As great as it was... it was a little derivative too.  
 
Oh well, it's definitely more interesting than your average Contemporary Conflict kinda shooter. I'm actually really pumped about just blindly running into a room guns blazing, it's... been a while. I'm gonna play that game so fucking fast and loose to make up for the hours I must have spent in cover recovering my health in the last 5 years. 

Edited by NTM

By the time this game comes out, I'll be all out of gum. Ok that sounds negative, so not really. I just had to say it though.
Posted by Max_Cherry

How to play Duke Nukem: with infinite ammo on god mode.

Edited by pikeplacer

Duke is the fucking king! I LOL'd at the water fowl comment.
Posted by Zidd

I was expecting to see in huge letters "You Don't" with links to GoG and xbox.com to buy DN3D.

Posted by Rayeth

Here is the point: 
 
 
"Hail to the King, baby."