Then that machine certainly created Crysis 2. Let me list all the terrible things about this game - all in CAPS because it will infer I am angry and loud and that my point will be read as if being said in a loud angry, obnoxious tone of voice. And haters be hatin' but on my nerves they ain't grating... 
 
1) THE WRITING IS SO DAMN SMALL!!! IT'S LIKE DEAD RISING ALL OVER AGAIN!!! 
 
2) BORING, GENERIC FPS GAMEPLAY!!! 
 
3) OFTEN-TREADED, SIMPLE AND BORING STORYLINE!!! 
 
4) TERRIBLY SIMPLE AND RETARDED AI ENEMIES!!! 
 
5) TERRIBLE GUN HANDLING AND WEAPON PLAY!!! 
 
6) HORRIBLE LEVEL DESIGN!!! 
 
7) THE. MULTIPLAYER!!! 
 
So after about a month of trying to get into a game of Crysis 2 online multiplayer, I finally managed to get into one. Not the new recruits section, but the normal playlist because that was the only one with lobbies. 
 
What followed was probably the worst muliplayer experience of my life. Ever. I'll create you a log of my time - briefly edited so that it doesn't take up the entire blog entry... 
  

"Oh yes! Finally a game!! This is SOOO exciting!!!" REALLY LOUD INTRODUCTION MUSIC *Turns down music volume in settings* EXTRA LONG LOAD TIME 
 
*SPAWNS* "Wow, look at this vibrant beautiful world to explore! Let me explore the choke points, the sniping areas, the variations in terrain!" *DOESN'T FIND ANY* 
 
*DIES* "Ow! Haha, nevermind, I just began, I'll get the hang of this..." *SPAWNS* *DIES* "Wow, that was fast! I guess the guy WAS a level 48 and had waay better guns than me!" 
 
 *SPAWNS* *DIES* "Okay... Am I using a pea-shooter or something?? Does EVERYONE have a better gun than me and super abilities??" 
 
*SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* "F*CK YOU YOU F*CKING PIECE OF SH*T GAME!!! GEZUZ KRIST MOTHERF*CKER!!!! LET ME F*CKING LIVE MORE THAN 5 GADAMM SECONDS BEFORE KILLING ME!!!" 
 
*SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* *SPAWNS* *DIES* 
  
*Gets a kill on another hapless noob who has wandered into the game. He promptly quits* 

*DEFEAT* 
 
 
This continues on for the next two hours. Each game I get about 3 kills. Now I bet you're thinking "Oh it's obvious this guy is just a retarded dumbass noob who can't play the game and that if something is too hard he just writes hate blogs about it on GiantBomb and now I'm going to go on about how much he sucks". This is not the case. 
 
I played the Crysis 2 multiplayer BETA. I got the top of the leaderboards a few times and always brought in around 8-12 kills every match. The BETA was good because the level cap was 5 (from memory - unless I'm mistake) and everyone had more or less the same weapons. However, now that the retail game is out and the multiplayer is so bad, only the hardcore fans are playing it. 
 
Therefore everyone is a higher level, has better equipment and the game is very inhospitable for it. It's just turned into a huge melee fest! Why EVEN HAVE GUNS FFS!!! With my entry level pea shooter assault rifle I was shooting these assh*les and they'd just walk up to me and whack me a couple of times. Even though they were in cloak and should've been blinded! I literally shot and shot and shot and melee'd and nothing happened.  
 
This would be annoying, but generally acceptable if one of two things happened - neither of which did. 1) You spawned with your team FFS!!!! It was MW2 all over again - my team would be in a group, I'd spawn far away, IN AMONGST LIKE 5 ENEMIES and then promptly die. This would happen all game. Or 2) You got experience for completing games! I won a game with my team and I got zero points?! I just got spawn killed and raped over and over and over and over and over and over and over for 10 minutes for nothing?? Just so I can see myself shooting the same level 40's and 50's and yet still dying over and over and over and over and over on my Death Cam???? Or if I get one kill I'm about 0.000000001% closer to getting any weapons or abilities that might be able to help me GET a kill against these tool up assh*les??  

So I got to level 5. I endured 3 hours of pain and frustration of people finding me while I was cloaked, while I could never see anyone. Or dying within 1 second of being shot, even with armour on. Or having a sniper rifle without any places to snipe without molestation on about 90% of the maps.  Or shooting someone in the head, them not dying, them turning around an killing me. Again and again and again and again. So after all that, I went and played Peggle. And I was happy. 
 
Moral of the story? F*ck Crysis 2.