You heard it here first folks! Minecraft is slowly but surely becoming Minecraft: Modern Warfare Edition amongst my friends. It all began a month ago with the embedding of a pick axe in the back of a skull...

I hang out with some pretty cool guys online with Minecraft. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but there you go. However, there is one kid no one truly likes. He's a bit of a c*nt. Okay, he's totally a c*nt. He's their friend in real life, while I'm only an online friend. As far as things go, I'm liked and respected between everyone. Except for this kid, who we shall name Tom for now. Why he is even their friend in real life is anyone's guess. He betrays people, ruins their creations, mutes strangers (myself included) and is a jealous little kid. No one hates this guy more than me. If he were to die in real life, I'd sleep a bit better. Cold and harsh though it may sound, Xbox LIVE is a large part of my life and he is seriously ruining it.

Now I'm sure you're asking "Minecraft? How can such a peaceful game be so divisive??". Beneath the guise of prancing sheep and colourful flowers, lies a darker turmoil. You're inviting trouble into your world whenever a friend joins. It's like falling back into someone's arms - you pray they don't break anything.

So one day I was mining along in a friend's world, possibly humming a tune. tom had just bought the game and was a total noob. He strolls in front of my pick axe. Instead of being a humble person and seeing it was an accident, he instead turns on me and kills me. Like an enraged toad, he is not entirely sure what he is angry at, but lashes out at the closest thing (me), a mindless drive to palm off blame and shirk self-responsibility. In turn I slay him with a sword. He drops about 3 stone pick axes. This in turn incites more retaliation as he apparently thinks stone pick axes are rare and hard to come by!

So I wait. Revenge is best served cold. After a few hours, him and my friend have been in their mine for hours. My friend returns to the surface with his stash, while Tom remains below with his. I launch my attack, trying to divert a lava flow into his tunnel. I fail and he once again kills me. I feign a truce through my friend and manage to sneak up behind Tom whilst he is trying to escape the deep cavern. It is then that I corner him and stab his bloated, fetid body with several blows from a pick axe. What drops is not too short of a treasure trove. Diamonds, gold pick axes, ingots, lazuli, obsidian, iron...

He tried to reach me, but I repel him once more. After this final kill, I run as deep and far as I can and dig. I build a chest, and I bury it. I do not mark the chest and I make sure it is very well hidden deep underground. I return to my home, Tom screaming he wants his stuff back. I tell him he stole my stuff so he's not getting his - if he wants it, he can go find it. Very childish and petty, but he started it, nyah nyah!

He then proceeds to destroy my house. Unwilling to budge, I watch as he destroys my home and everything in it. This trespass will not be forgotten. I try to sabotage the world by diverting a river into his house, but my friend gets annoyed and kicks us both from the game. Until next time...

Today was such a time. I entered another friend's world to see him cleaning up the remnants of thousands of cobblestones. I was told Tom had placed rivers of lava all over their houses and then water, petrifying the entire valley in stone. He refused to clean it up, so I helped my friend. For my work, he let me build a tower. A sh*t trade considering the clean up took little over an hour! But I built it none the less. All the way up to the stars. It was glorious. Tall, gleaming and bold in its design. But like the World Trade Centre, it was the pinnacle of human achievement, and thus, the target for terrorist attack. No sooner had I completed it had another player climbed to the top and raided my chests, stealing with wild abandon.

In retaliation, I not only stole his stuff, but I stole his chest. Retribution paid correct? Surely not he said! Tom reentered the world, despite being told he was banned. Immediately he sought a single reason to destroy my creations. The other player gave it to him when he said I'd stolen his chest. I returned from the forest to see Tom, my chest in hand, destroying the bottom of my tower. I pleaded with the host to kick him. But I was denied. And so began world war two...

I was lucky when Tom, like the blundering fool he undoubtedly is, fell from my tower and dashed himself against the ground. Out sprouted a whole raft of goodies. I gloated as I escaped gleefully with the loot, making sure he knew I was once again to bury this inventory as well. Far away, deep underground, I placed another chest, never to see the light of day again. I returned and saw that a kind of arms race had begun. At first iron swords, which I died several times to, then crude armour. Before long, we both had steel plate protection and carried swords of glinting metal. Across the tops of houses we battled. I had better equipment for once, and killed him again after he returned from mining. Diamonds and gold aplenty I took, but kept this bounty for my personal stash deep within my secret lair. Then I returned to find Tom had made diamond armour from the duplication glitch exploit. I was killed, my body falling lifelessly to the ground, my life blood sullied and pouring into the grass. This called for desperate measures.

Desperately, I searched for a trump card. I found it while raiding one of the player's rooms. TNT. Like a chemical warfare specialist, I tested the device on a lone hill. It made the hill not a hill. I was pleased. I gave Tom an ultimatum. Leave me walk in peace, or face a wrath unlike any other. He declined. To show a force of my power, I laid a block of TNT on the main bridge. He saw me and advanced. I had no choice but to destroy the bridge. In a dramatic explosion, the bridge was severed in two. He stood on the other side, his dim-witted mind contemplating what had transpired. I pitied his tiny peanut brain at that moment, for I knew he would die before I was through. Then... kicked. For simply rising to arms to avenge my needless murders, and despite my efforts to clean up the world after hurricane Tom swept through, I was removed from the game. I still have the TNT in my hand ready to go, but I fear I will never have a chance to use it...

So heed my story miners of all ages! If you are going to be playing with people, make sure you can trust them. Or at the very least, play on maps with them that you do not mind being destroyed. If you have no choice but to play with an assh*le, leave no weakness. Do not become attached to any dwelling or creation, for it will be used against you. Hide then deep underground and behind fake walls, traps and best of all, water. And if events do lead you to war, find their weakness, upgrade your arms and use any means necessary. Do not count on the host to always boot the other player.

This whole foray has of course left me jaded with Minecraft. I despise bullies and trolls. I hate unfairness. I never exceed the fair quota of revenge, but others enjoy dishing, but not eating, pain. What will happen next, I am uncertain. All I know is that Minecraft can be a dark, foreboding world with little escape from death and despair, so do not be fooled by the shiny blocks and happy tunes. There is malice in the caverns deep...

You mean "cunt," right?

Your story is partly why I only play on a whitelisted server.

Seems like it was kind of your fault in a way, you should have just been the better man and accepted that he killed you once and then moved on to keep building but you built a sword specifically to kill him and tried to mess up his tunnels with lava which sounds far more annoying to me than killing you once.

That being said this was a pretty entertaining read, so good on you for that.

@Ravenlight said:

You mean "cunt," right?

Your story is partly why I only play on a whitelisted server.

I think you probably ruined Minecraft for your friends, too, so way to go, you and Tom.

It's a fun read, but you both come across as SUPER-petty and childish. I mean, it's just a game, so it's not like it's an overall character judgment, but I hope you handle yourself better around real folks.

You're both trolls.

But that's all right, because this was pretty great to read.

@Little_Socrates: Yeah, I only got nuts on LIVE. ; )

@Eidderf: I paraphrased though - it was more than just killing me. He did it twice and stole my stuff. The lava did not succeed, so it was not too harmful.

But seriously, I know it's petty and I know it's just a game. We probably have ruined Minecraft for a raft of people, but I refuse to back down. The bigger man in this instance is the one holding your goods after he's TNT'd your ass to hell. If you've dealt with this guy you would know what I a horrible person he is. But it's not a "I choose to be mean" horrible, more of a "I'm faar too dumb to know I'm being a c*nt" horrible. Like a nagging gnat who will no f*ck off, and then when you brush him off, he gets angrier because he feel entitled to be mean without repercussion! And after he's bitten you, he will keep doing it. Over and over. Nothing is ever his fault. His cause. No, I fear I cannot back down to such a beast. At the very least, if I cannot best him, I will educate him on why he is a d*ck.

This war will not cease until that goal is complete.

P.S. I'm glad my misery and pain amuses you all. After all, that's what I'm here for. A cosmic joke to be the joy of people who cannot comprehend the pain I must endure simply to play a simply game of Minecraft with my friends. Had Tom not joined, I would still be happily producing works of art within the Minecraft multiverse, a productive and helpful member of society. But nay, now I must strap bombs to my body and sabotage bridges...

that was a pretty fun read. Thanks for the story.

I've learnt an important lesson reading this. Don't play with you or this 'Tom' character...

@SpawnMan:

“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

-Gandhi

Kinda funny story; but I'll have to agree with the others here.. you should've just stopped playing with them instead of stooping to their level. I can understand why you felt like you had to, but you have to realize that you have a choice not to join in on their immature behaviour.. the whole thing reminded me of various Looney Toons cartoons.

For someone not so morally righteous I would have done the same thing.

[Holds a Grudge] is my Red Dead Redemption title. If you kill me on that game [and it's unwarranted (i.e Killing me while I'm doing a hideout)] I will hunt you until you leave the game. I will then follow you into any other game you join and kill you until you leave.

Can't you just make it "invite only" or something like that?

I see, so the bigger man doesn't just take his toys and go play somewhere else? You refer repeatedly to joining your friend's server. Make your own and invite your friends on and since he isn't a friend he can't join right?

Alternatively, go play the real Minecraft on a PC, whitelist your server and only let your friends join.

This reads like a metaphoric retelling of the cold war or maybe WWII on Rugrats or something.

We as a community should help our friend SpawnMan and follow "Tom" to his lobbies and kill him repeatedly. When he leaves.... We'll follow him again!

You write well, friend, but I wouldn't ever want to play Minecraft with you. Also, unnecessary censorship is unnecessary.

This makes me want to play Minecraft. I probably won't though.

He had multiple gold pickaxes? O_o Anyway, does seem like you were both kind of escalating the matter. Better not to stoop to their level, or just avoid playing with people who act like that.

You looted and raided other player's (not Tom's) chests?