Ace Attorney: The Movie: The Americanization

A trailer for the Japanese Ace Attorney movie was recently released into the world. Here, let me get that for you.

Wow. Now, if you've played the first Ace Attorney game, you'll probably notice how closely the costumes and settings resemble those in the game. Pretty faithful to the source material from what we've been shown so far. The only hiccup (besides maybe how goofy this stuff looks in real life) is that we Americans had an American version of Ace Attorney that took place in America with Americans, and these actors don't look American or talk American at all. If we're going to get an almost definitely terrible Ace Attorney movie released in the U.S. of A, we're gonna have to Hollywood this puppy up. So join me friends, as we take a look at the cast of the upcoming Hollywood blockbuster, Mr. Wright: I am the Law (working title).

Phoenix Wright - Zachary Levi

Casting our Phoenix Wright was certainly a challenge. But as the four Chuck viewers out there know, this guy's young, he's got the boyish good looks, and just maybe the perfect amount of goofiness to don that glorious blue suit.

Maya Fey - Selena Gomez

You know, Selena Gomez from that show Wizards of Waverly Place. If you're like me, you have no idea what that is, but the kids seem to love her in ways that are probably confusing to them. Plus, look! She's already gotten banged for the role... Could have phrased that better.

Mia Fey - Jennifer Love Hewitt

Not only does she look the part, but she talked to the dead for several seasons on that show I assume old people watched. This is a lot like that, but the opposite. Also, she's bosomy.

Larry Butz - Neil Patrick Harris

As is apparent from that picture on the left, Larry is a bit of a douche. So let's offset that a bit by casting everyone's buddy, NPH. Would NPH kill Cindy Stone? Not a chance.

Miles Edgeworth - Cillian Murphy

Somehow, I think Cillian would look less weird with ridiculously-angled silver hair and comically large ruffles on his chest. Look at those eyes. Would you want to face those eyes in court?

Dick Gumshoe - Chris Pratt

Tough call on this one. Dick Gumshoe, a detective in his 20s, looks about 45 years old. I compromised and went for a guy in his 30s. And what better man to play the role of bumbling detective than Burt Macklin, FBI?

Judge - John Goodman

I could not have wished for a more appropriate John Goodman photo unless this was taken seconds after shaving off his enormous Santa Claus beard.

Manfred von Karma - Powers Boothe

And finally, a terrifying man to play a terrifying man. He will shoot Selena Gomez with a stun gun, and some people will probably enjoy that.

There are more characters, of course. Your Wendy Oldbags, your Lotta Harts, what have you. But I think we've got a good base to work with here. So what do you think? Why are my choices dumb?