How the hell did I find this "secret" room?



Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter

( Let me get this out of the way: this is all very serious.) That's right, no joking around. Why would I kid about a game I won for free by posting a picture I didn't think was that good? Exactly. Anyway, Serious Sam HD, a game title that confuses the hell out of me. No, not the HD part (I imagine it stands for "Head Detachment"), but the "serious" part. There's nothing serious about this game, and the developers know that, making it quite ironic. But if they put such irony in, then it would be serious, but the g....is this what a paradox is?
 
Agh, too confusing, now my brain hurts. I can't even remember the story. Something about aliens and time travel, or something, and they're doing things that require large amounts of copious text or whatever and something.....fuck this, what man worth his weight in his own testicles cares about story? All I care about is ripping through enemies with my manly manliness! Does this game let me do that? Yes? Wrong! The correct answer is "why aren't I blowing things up right now?", and the question to that answer is "because you aren't playing Serious Sam HD." That wasn't a typo. This game really does let you kill enough enemies to make even the most elaborate bloodbath look like it was performed with a mere sponge.
 
 Oh, it gets much worse than this.
Serious Sam does everything in its power to make you feel like an absolute badass. It doesn't waste its time with pussy weapons like grenades (killing things with an underhand toss!?) and melee weapons (he's a badass, not an idiot); no, Sam limits himself to shotguns, vibra-miniguns, and every other weapon meant to mow down enemies that isn't a lawnmower (THAT'S NOT SERIOUS!!!). Creative, yes, but how does it utilize such weapons? Didn't I already tell you, to mow down enemies! And not in that old school run & gun sense, where you cleared a room of enemies so you could remember where you left your keys; instead, you fight hordes of enemies only to fight more hordes. That's the only way I could possibly describe the amount of enemies in this game. You can literally be fighting 100 enemies at any given time. Sounds overwhelming, right?
 
Only if you have 12 vaginas in your vagina, you mega pussy, you. Unlike some other games that hatefully throw enemies at you just to see you fail (you know what I'm talking about. *glares at that game*), Serious Sam does it to make you manlier. After each and every encounter with enemies that make Earthbound seem conservative, you will find an entire bushel of chest hair underneath your shirt, man or woman. I said that you have the tools to make yourself manlier, and you also have the techniques; there's an intricate dance of dodging and shooting key enemies in each and every horde. Of course, you'll often brisé when you should've grand jetéd, and as we all know, the punishment for failure in ballet is death.
 
You know what else gets you killed? Stupid stuff like grabbing a random item, auto-saving at the wrong time (save points exist for a reason), or hell, even the controls at times. I could go into the intricacies, like how left trigger is jump or how the d-pad is confusing as shit, but I feel that you can get the general feel for it by playing any other FPS and then switching over to Serious Sam. And while I'm complaining, who designed the final boss? Why do I have to jump through hoops like a jowly version of Shamu? You guys forgot why I was playing the game: so I can shoot the piss out of scorpion centaurs and headless suicide bombers! And do you know why I did that? It was to become a man of such manly proportions that my X chromosome learns some common sense and becomes a manly Y! The majority of this game does that, so I give it the Manliest Game Award for Manly Achievement in Manliness.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Lots and lots of shooting.
  • Lots and lots of easy-to-find secrets.
  • Lots and lots of deathness.
 
 
 
 
As you guys know, I don't take rape lightly. It's simply not funny. That's why the only times I've ever compared games to rape were times when THEY FELT LIKE I WAS BEING RAPED. That's why I don't like these guys: they speak of rape like they personally know what it feels like to have their ass violated by seven rednecks. They don't.
 
   
 

Donkey Kong Country

( This was supposed to be Gex, but upon playing that game, two revelations came upon me.) First, I remembered how much I hated Gex 64 back in the N64 days, when I liked anything placed in front of me. Literally, I found something to enjoy in games like Quest 64, Spunky's Dangerous Day, and Mr. Nutz. Second, CUT OUT THE BULLSHIT!!! In a platformer, all I want to do is jump on baddies and jump from platforms and onto more baddies. Don't make me collect 3 permission slips in each level so I can get to the final level, or worse, so I can progress from level to level. Donkey Kong Country understands this perfectly.
 
Donkey Kong won't have any of that "collect all this crap to progress" crap, like you're sating an invisible hoarder off screen or something. Actually, it's odd that I used such phrasing, as DKC is well known for making you collect a bunch of useless crap. That's sort of why people don't like the game so much: all that collecting of meaningless gold, level after level. To those people who hate this game: up yours. Sure, the game specializes in stupid mini-games that all boil down to "how do I rid the screen of all these golden sprites", but that doesn't detract from the game whatsoever; in fact, it makes the quality of this game more apparent. If you didn't play through some of these ridiculously easy mini-games, you'd probably forget that this game features animals of any kind.
 
 Christ, that's gotta suck for poor little Diddy.
Weird, I know, but I can explain: you don't see the mountable animals as much as you should. Maybe it's because of the always confusing "animals among animals" problem that has plagued cartoony settings since the days of Disney; maybe it's that their nothing more than an infinite line of free hits for that level; or maybe it's that most of the levels aren't really designed to handle animals. After all, how do you fit a toad into a level centered around keeping a floating tram in the air? Or a rhino in a swinging level? Or an ostrich in one about bouncing from tree to tree (you know, without spoiling the entire endeavor)? Wait a minute, I've just realized something: there's a lot of creative level design in this game. Just about every level is so memorable and creative that each one feels fresh and new each time you play it. I realize that sounds ridiculously corny, but keep this in mind: this isn't the first time I've played this game. Yea.
 
That would explain why I found the central gameplay to be a bit generic. There's really nothing innovative about it, since you're just running and jumping like in any other platformer of the time. No, it's EXACTLY like every other platformer of the time, Bubsy included. That's not an insult towards the overall quality of the game; such an insult would be phrased as "the boss design is lazy" or "the underwater levels have this boring sameness about them." But you don't see me complaining about crap like that, do you? Why would I? It's a fun game that's only become better with its transition to the GBA. Let me reiterate the point I've spent an entire blog setting up: THIS IS A GOOD GAME THAT DOESN'T DESERVE THE CRAP IT HAS GOTTEN. I'd give it the Opposite of Final Fantasy VII, Sort of, Award, but I haven't finished this portion of the blog.
 
Did you really think I could get through an entire five paragraphs on Donkey Kong Country without once mentioning the graphics and music? They're the defining features of this game, and probably why so many people hate it. Actually, I can sympathize with them on this one, stupid as they may be; the original SNES version looked like somebody mated action figures with claymation (NOT ROBOT CHICKEN!!!!), that short-lived cartoon of it looked like crap, and the GBA port looks like they traded all the plastic clarity for vibrant pixelation. Still works, just not that well, like this blog. On that note, let me end this with several really good DKC songs.
 

Review Synopsis

  • The reason it's still good is great production values and a consistent level of creativity.
  • The reason why I haven't beaten up all the people who hate this game is because the core gameplay isn't outstanding.
  • This game gets the Opposite of Final Fantasy VII, Sort of, Award since it's a graphically pretty game that isn't rated properly but is still decent.
23 Comments
24 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King


Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter

( Let me get this out of the way: this is all very serious.) That's right, no joking around. Why would I kid about a game I won for free by posting a picture I didn't think was that good? Exactly. Anyway, Serious Sam HD, a game title that confuses the hell out of me. No, not the HD part (I imagine it stands for "Head Detachment"), but the "serious" part. There's nothing serious about this game, and the developers know that, making it quite ironic. But if they put such irony in, then it would be serious, but the g....is this what a paradox is?
 
Agh, too confusing, now my brain hurts. I can't even remember the story. Something about aliens and time travel, or something, and they're doing things that require large amounts of copious text or whatever and something.....fuck this, what man worth his weight in his own testicles cares about story? All I care about is ripping through enemies with my manly manliness! Does this game let me do that? Yes? Wrong! The correct answer is "why aren't I blowing things up right now?", and the question to that answer is "because you aren't playing Serious Sam HD." That wasn't a typo. This game really does let you kill enough enemies to make even the most elaborate bloodbath look like it was performed with a mere sponge.
 
 Oh, it gets much worse than this.
Serious Sam does everything in its power to make you feel like an absolute badass. It doesn't waste its time with pussy weapons like grenades (killing things with an underhand toss!?) and melee weapons (he's a badass, not an idiot); no, Sam limits himself to shotguns, vibra-miniguns, and every other weapon meant to mow down enemies that isn't a lawnmower (THAT'S NOT SERIOUS!!!). Creative, yes, but how does it utilize such weapons? Didn't I already tell you, to mow down enemies! And not in that old school run & gun sense, where you cleared a room of enemies so you could remember where you left your keys; instead, you fight hordes of enemies only to fight more hordes. That's the only way I could possibly describe the amount of enemies in this game. You can literally be fighting 100 enemies at any given time. Sounds overwhelming, right?
 
Only if you have 12 vaginas in your vagina, you mega pussy, you. Unlike some other games that hatefully throw enemies at you just to see you fail (you know what I'm talking about. *glares at that game*), Serious Sam does it to make you manlier. After each and every encounter with enemies that make Earthbound seem conservative, you will find an entire bushel of chest hair underneath your shirt, man or woman. I said that you have the tools to make yourself manlier, and you also have the techniques; there's an intricate dance of dodging and shooting key enemies in each and every horde. Of course, you'll often brisé when you should've grand jetéd, and as we all know, the punishment for failure in ballet is death.
 
You know what else gets you killed? Stupid stuff like grabbing a random item, auto-saving at the wrong time (save points exist for a reason), or hell, even the controls at times. I could go into the intricacies, like how left trigger is jump or how the d-pad is confusing as shit, but I feel that you can get the general feel for it by playing any other FPS and then switching over to Serious Sam. And while I'm complaining, who designed the final boss? Why do I have to jump through hoops like a jowly version of Shamu? You guys forgot why I was playing the game: so I can shoot the piss out of scorpion centaurs and headless suicide bombers! And do you know why I did that? It was to become a man of such manly proportions that my X chromosome learns some common sense and becomes a manly Y! The majority of this game does that, so I give it the Manliest Game Award for Manly Achievement in Manliness.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Lots and lots of shooting.
  • Lots and lots of easy-to-find secrets.
  • Lots and lots of deathness.
 
 
 
 
As you guys know, I don't take rape lightly. It's simply not funny. That's why the only times I've ever compared games to rape were times when THEY FELT LIKE I WAS BEING RAPED. That's why I don't like these guys: they speak of rape like they personally know what it feels like to have their ass violated by seven rednecks. They don't.
 
   
 

Donkey Kong Country

( This was supposed to be Gex, but upon playing that game, two revelations came upon me.) First, I remembered how much I hated Gex 64 back in the N64 days, when I liked anything placed in front of me. Literally, I found something to enjoy in games like Quest 64, Spunky's Dangerous Day, and Mr. Nutz. Second, CUT OUT THE BULLSHIT!!! In a platformer, all I want to do is jump on baddies and jump from platforms and onto more baddies. Don't make me collect 3 permission slips in each level so I can get to the final level, or worse, so I can progress from level to level. Donkey Kong Country understands this perfectly.
 
Donkey Kong won't have any of that "collect all this crap to progress" crap, like you're sating an invisible hoarder off screen or something. Actually, it's odd that I used such phrasing, as DKC is well known for making you collect a bunch of useless crap. That's sort of why people don't like the game so much: all that collecting of meaningless gold, level after level. To those people who hate this game: up yours. Sure, the game specializes in stupid mini-games that all boil down to "how do I rid the screen of all these golden sprites", but that doesn't detract from the game whatsoever; in fact, it makes the quality of this game more apparent. If you didn't play through some of these ridiculously easy mini-games, you'd probably forget that this game features animals of any kind.
 
 Christ, that's gotta suck for poor little Diddy.
Weird, I know, but I can explain: you don't see the mountable animals as much as you should. Maybe it's because of the always confusing "animals among animals" problem that has plagued cartoony settings since the days of Disney; maybe it's that their nothing more than an infinite line of free hits for that level; or maybe it's that most of the levels aren't really designed to handle animals. After all, how do you fit a toad into a level centered around keeping a floating tram in the air? Or a rhino in a swinging level? Or an ostrich in one about bouncing from tree to tree (you know, without spoiling the entire endeavor)? Wait a minute, I've just realized something: there's a lot of creative level design in this game. Just about every level is so memorable and creative that each one feels fresh and new each time you play it. I realize that sounds ridiculously corny, but keep this in mind: this isn't the first time I've played this game. Yea.
 
That would explain why I found the central gameplay to be a bit generic. There's really nothing innovative about it, since you're just running and jumping like in any other platformer of the time. No, it's EXACTLY like every other platformer of the time, Bubsy included. That's not an insult towards the overall quality of the game; such an insult would be phrased as "the boss design is lazy" or "the underwater levels have this boring sameness about them." But you don't see me complaining about crap like that, do you? Why would I? It's a fun game that's only become better with its transition to the GBA. Let me reiterate the point I've spent an entire blog setting up: THIS IS A GOOD GAME THAT DOESN'T DESERVE THE CRAP IT HAS GOTTEN. I'd give it the Opposite of Final Fantasy VII, Sort of, Award, but I haven't finished this portion of the blog.
 
Did you really think I could get through an entire five paragraphs on Donkey Kong Country without once mentioning the graphics and music? They're the defining features of this game, and probably why so many people hate it. Actually, I can sympathize with them on this one, stupid as they may be; the original SNES version looked like somebody mated action figures with claymation (NOT ROBOT CHICKEN!!!!), that short-lived cartoon of it looked like crap, and the GBA port looks like they traded all the plastic clarity for vibrant pixelation. Still works, just not that well, like this blog. On that note, let me end this with several really good DKC songs.
 

Review Synopsis

  • The reason it's still good is great production values and a consistent level of creativity.
  • The reason why I haven't beaten up all the people who hate this game is because the core gameplay isn't outstanding.
  • This game gets the Opposite of Final Fantasy VII, Sort of, Award since it's a graphically pretty game that isn't rated properly but is still decent.
Online
Posted by Claude

What memories I have of Donkey Kong Country are fond. Donkey Kong Country 2 was cool too as I try and remember. I never played 3. I played them so long ago I can't remember if they got better with each edition.

Posted by JJOR64

I love the Donkey Kong Country games.  Easily some of the best games on the SNES IMO.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@JJOR64: 
 
IMO, that title would go to the Fire Emblem games. I grant you permission to post a Captain Obvious picture.
 
@Claude:
 
Pretty much. I personally liked 2 the best, but that's only because I've always been a fan of Diddy Kong.
Online
Posted by Belonpopo
@Video_Game_King:
Donkey Kong Country, yes! Thanks for bringing back childhood memories!
Posted by ArbitraryWater

Wait, people give the Donkey Kong Country series crap? Whoever they are, I will beat the shit out of them. While certainly not innovative, I would consider them to be extremely high quality (especially DKC2) and far better than a lot of the other crap platformers of the time. Of course these games indirectly led to Donkey Kong 64... but let's just forget about that.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater: 
 
One of them was Shigeru Miyamoto. What now? I'd agree with you on all but DK64, mainly because I have yet to replay the game.
Online
Posted by BiffMcBlumpkin
@Video_Game_King said:
"How the hell did I find this "secret" room"

Vinny said the same thing last week when he pulled aside a strange piece of dangling cloth in his bathroom and discovered the shower.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@BiffMcBlumpkin: 
 
Wait, you mean he DOESN'T use the shower? Then who the hell have I been watching in there for the past 3 months?
Online
Posted by BiffMcBlumpkin

In your face Vinny.

Posted by BiffMcBlumpkin
@Video_Game_King said:
" @BiffMcBlumpkin:   Wait, you mean he DOESN'T use the shower? Then who the hell have I been watching in there for the past 3 months? "

Don't ever reply to me so fast that I can't say "In your face Vinny" directly underneath my post. That shit is prime real estate and I deserve every inch of it.
Posted by ArbitraryWater
@Video_Game_King said:
" @ArbitraryWater:   One of them was Shigeru Miyamoto. What now? I'd agree with you on all but DK64, mainly because I have yet to replay the game. "
Well yeah, I would say that Super Mario World is better than any of the DKC games, but didn't it have to do with graphics or something? Whatever. DK64 isn't technically a bad game, but it does represent everything wrong about Rare's 3D platformers.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@BiffMcBlumpkin: 
 
Then why not just edit your post or something?
 
@ArbitraryWater:
 
Yoshi's Island, definitely, but not the original. Miyamoto's complaint was with the collecting, I think. Nothing wrong with collecting (Banjo Tooie proved that), but I can sort of see where it's coming from. And were you insulting Conker!?
Online
Edited by BiffMcBlumpkin
@Video_Game_King said:

" Then why not just edit your post or something? 
 
"

I'm of the opinion that you should edit your post to say In your Face Vinny instead.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@BiffMcBlumpkin said:
" @Video_Game_King said:

" Then why not just edit your post or something? 
 
"

I'm of the opinion that you should edit your post to say In your Face Vinny instead. "
Even though it's your joke, not mine?
Online
Posted by crunchUK

So i dont gt it... serious sam HD is a remake of the original? Or not? anyway anyone remember the cathedral level at the end of the first game?

Posted by BiffMcBlumpkin
@Video_Game_King said:
" @BiffMcBlumpkin said:
" @Video_Game_King said:

" Then why not just edit your post or something? 
 
"

I'm of the opinion that you should edit your post to say In your Face Vinny instead. "
Even though it's your joke, not mine? "

I was dead fucking serious.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@BiffMcBlumpkin: 
 
Then this must be a fight! *turns on fight music* Guess who's gonna win?
 
 
@crunchUK:
 
I wouldn't know, as this is my first experience with the series. However, your mention of a cathedral level compels me either to call you wrong or to answer "no."
Online
Posted by BiffMcBlumpkin
@Video_Game_King said:
"*turns on fight music* Guess who's gonna win? "
It depends. Is Fight Music the name of a member?
Posted by Video_Game_King
@BiffMcBlumpkin said:
" @Video_Game_King said:
"*turns on fight music* Guess who's gonna win? "
It depends. Is Fight Music the name of a member? "
Shit, technical error. Hold on. * turns on fight music for real* Try fighting this!
Online
Posted by crunchUK
@Video_Game_King said:
" @BiffMcBlumpkin: 
 
Then this must be a fight! *turns on fight music* Guess who's gonna win?
 
 
@crunchUK:  I wouldn't know, as this is my first experience with the series. However, your mention of a cathedral level compels me either to call you wrong or to answer "no." "
Shame. It's where you're looking for the holy grail, door is locked, ther eis  aHUGE field as in you cant see the ends of it and it gets quite literally covered in enemies. Fun...
Posted by BiffMcBlumpkin

In your face Vinny.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK: 
 
Don't remember that at all, so I'm going with my latter option. Also, wasn't the original Serious Sam set in Egypt or something?
Online
Posted by RandomInternetUser

Dood, Donkey Kong Country... I have such good memories of that.  I used to play it on co-op all the time with my brother.  Also, Serious Sam HD is much more serious on PC.