By Video_Game_King 9 Comments
( Greetings are in order, for this is a momentous edition of this feature!) But first, a bit of a recap of last time, because I feel it must be repeated. Basically, two of my party members came out of the closet (along with (I'm guessing) those two women who fled into the Nether-realm) and murdered an entire room full of gay pirates. Somehow, this led the party to the eponymous temple.
After viewing a cinematic clearly programmed with the Sega CD in mind, the party comes across the Temple. Their first instinct? Run to the right, far away from the game's namesake. They come upon a simple guard, and Sexyface decides to wreck his shit. What was he guarding? Who cares? Actually, it was bandits. Tons and tons of bandits intent on wrecking Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil's shit as revenge for previous shit-wreckings.. So I force them to go back to the Temple and actually continue the game. Instead, they swipe everything that isn't nailed down, which amounts to a ton of bathrobes, a letter I can't read, and some weapons in the basement. They also encounter a few monsters, but these ones seems oddly mellow; none bother attacking the one group of people who deserve a slap to the face the most, instead just standing in solemn judgment. That doesn't mean that they don't encounter some fights, though; they fuck up some harpies, a jello cube, a mischievous ogre, and whatever else Gary Gygax pointed to in the dictionary. Again, I'm not sure why they're attacking these guys. (OK, I know why the ogre did it: Falior invaded his personal space. Granted, Falior doesn't take up much space, but it's the principle of the thing, damn it!) All the while, people are phasing through doors just so they can open them from the other side.
Fine, I'll actually progress the game a bit. Uh, let's see....oh, there are some Earth priests! Surely they can advance the game! Sadly, they don't; Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil just loot their chests and move onto the second floor. A quick change of bathrobes later, and the walls run red with minotaur blood. I'm not sure what happened, either. Moving right along, the gang stumbles upon some Water Temple fucks. Apparently, they've been spying on the group, and their leader has a bit of a crush on Banthor. I'll let you put two and two together. To distract from the awkward atmosphere, the Chief sends Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil on a quest: recruit a troll. Unfortunately, he's a troll, so he extorts $1000 from them and tells them to piss off. However, Issril uses the Diplomacy skill I regret giving her to convince the troll to troll the church. Quest done. Yay. Next quest: kill a guy and frame another guy for the deed by planting poison on him. How can you fuck that up? How about by talking to the guy you're trying to frame? Yes, this happens. There is some good in it, though: they have motivation to frame this guy. That motivation? He's a whiny bitch. The world would be better off without him, which is why they're helping him swipe bugbears from the guy Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil previously agreed to help. Did I mention that they have the attention span of a kitten strung out on meth? (Coincidentally, that's how Schrödinger kinda-sorta-maybe-died.)
But first, they have to kill that guy from before. But before that, they talk to a mirror, and both Sexyface and Falior phase through a locked door and wait for Banthor to free them. Thoroughly confused, the group falls back on what has always worked: beat the hell out of the first organism within 100 feet of them. That organism happens to be the leader of the Fire Temple, an ugly fucker who just oozes ham. He obviously deserved death. So after planting some poison on his body (I guess that's enough to distract from the burns and gaping wounds), the quest is complete. But before they can move onto the next quest, they must go back to Nulb for a nap. On the way, they stumble across some prisoner pirates. One of them tried to hit on Dala (you know, the girl who fled into another dimension, and then came back to fondle The Sexiness), which is why he's here. Sympathizing, Sexyface releases them, thinking it gets him EXP. It doesn't. To make up for it, they return to Hommlet in the dead of night to murder a wanton sign post.
Anyway, back tot he quests at hand. Turns out that those bugbears are staunch Water Worshipers (what would you call them, huh?), so that's fucked. But good news: their Priest still has a crush on Banthor, so he gives her an easy quest: kill some people and dress them up in silly outfits. Don't question it too much. Banthor certainly doesn't. She leads the group in murdering these fuckers for no particular reason. Sexyface, having an uncanny knowledge of the fashion scene, plays dress-up with the corpses and reports back to the Water Priest guy. Turns out that all of these pranks were just initiation into the Kappa Alpha Nje, and they got in! This means that they can explore the Greater Temple! All they have to do is go down the stairs and deal with some fungus. However, they're sure as hell not gonna do it now. And that does it for this installment. Next time, I may (or may not) make too many The Last Airbender jokes than the situation warrants.