By Video_Game_King 6 Comments
(Somehow, I'm still doing this.) How much longer will this feature go on? Only time will tell (although I hope I can finish before this reaches double digits). Speaking of time, what happened last time? Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil entered the Temple, a Water Priest had a crush on Banthor, and the Greater Temple's location was revealed. So guess what we're doing now?
That's right: more Temple exploration! Now remember the fungi that the Priest mentioned last time? Turns out that he had good reason to warn them: Sexyface bursts into the next level of the Temple and discovers some dangerous fungi. Of course, by "dangerous", I mean "they can fight"; the fungi are actually eliminated rather easily, leaving them with an easily eliminated topless centaur to kill. Oh, and some light and about nine other types of fungi. Given how I've been playing so far, this doesn't end well. But there is good news: everybody levels up, and some farmers are freed, for some reason. It is at this point that everybody realizes that in all these seven parts, they've never taken a dump. Fortunately, there's a sewer grating in the south, and they run toward it like crazy. Unfortunately, Falior gets knocked down, and they have to rescue him...as soon as they're done going to the bathroom. Anyway, they head down, and instead of rescuing Falior, they kill a bunch of dirty sewer thieves. Apparently, there's valuable treasure to be found in a man's turds. Or in the treasure chest near the bedroom toilet. Or in their own damn pockets. What I'm getting at is that there's a ton of looting to be done. It's like Night of the Sexyface for Banthor.
After committing a war crime, Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil returns to town rich and decides to buy everybody a round of drinks. I then remind them that there's still far more game to be had, and they (begrudgingly) get on with it. Back in the Temple, Sexyface stumbles upon an elf lady locked up in a room. Before he can hit on her, though, Issril decides to destroy her, I'm guessing because there's some Highlander shit among elf ladies. So a fight ensues, but before Issril can become the Highlander (and forget her original character purpose), the elf pleads for mercy. She explains her story: she had amnesia two minutes ago, but then got over it. Her name is Smigmal, and before she even explains herself, I tell her to get the fuck out. What kind of name is Smigmal? Forgetting that travesty, the group finds themselves in a storage room. It is here that they meet an amnesiac vampire, who, again, remembers everything and explains his story. He's been asleep for six years, and wishes to know what became of his long lost lover. Wait a minute...mopey amnesiac vampire; asleep for six years; obsessive about some random chick....OH FUCK! Vincent Valentine! That's two LPs in a row where I've encroached on the Dark Id's territory. Let's end this paragraph before Billy Fucking Cohen decides to possess a gelatinous cube.
OK, to be honest, the third level of the Temple is the most boring part. Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil just ends up murdering a few dudes and stealing their shit. You know, the regular stuff. So onto the fourth level! The group immediately takes to murdering the nearest troll, most likely because he was yelling about how Shepherd dies or something. They continue this until the Command of the Temple Guard walks in. Banthor murders the hell out of him for representing authority. Feeling rather anarchic, she decides to crash the nearest ogre party and raid all their beer. Yet ogres don't take kindly to drunk party girls like Banthor (did I seriously type that sentence?) and every last one of them decides to kill her. Neutralio rushes to her aid and lights the whole party on fire several times, killing every last Orc. Do I smell romance? I ask Neutralio, but he remains neutral on the subject. (Crafty bastard.) What I do smell, however, is the final set of level ups in the game. How does Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil celebrate? By murdering a bafflingly generic bad guy and all his cronies. The baddy tries to summon a god, but fortunately, even he can't be bothered to help this blasé fucker. It doesn't hurt that Sean Connery comes to the group's aid...somehow. Actually, it does; after the door back to his dimension disappears, he clones himself, shouts "IUZ!", and manages to kill Neutralio. That's as close to a eulogy as he's getting, mainly because I turned back time to when Neutralio wasn't dead. Now the Cuthberts are powerless, frozen in place, only capable of shouting "IUZ!" to those who don't care.
But the priest dies, nonetheless. His wizard friend would have died, too, but after summoning a few elementals, he disappears into another dimension. Asshole. Well, his elementals die, and so do a bunch of trolls. How does the group celebrate? Well, Sexyface stumbles upon some concubines, and...what do you think? Unfortunately, Sexyface's greatest secret is revealed: he has a tiny dick. I know. I'm surprised, too. He still gets to fuck the two girls, though, so that's awesome. And that's about it for this installment, really. The Elemental Nodes are up next, and I want to keep things tidy. Now, before I finally wrap this up, can anybody tell me what happened? For, you see, I have come down with...amnesia!