By Video_Game_King 11 Comments
( Yes, I finally feel that I am ready to explain how the monster that is Chickenhead came to be.) For those of you who don't know what a Chickenhead is, he' a mysterious robotic chicken hobo demon that has haunted me for years. I've called out for help in these forums, but to no avail, mainly because he's confused you as much as he's scared me. Some think that he is what happens when Kefka goes insane; others believe that what lies under Kakashi's mask is just that terrifying; and some insane people feel that Pops from Regular Show just decided to put on a plastic chicken beak. However, all of those explanations are utter bullshit. I'm here to set the record straight and explain just how this monster came to be.
It all began on a cold summer's day in 1988. Howard Phillips, Game Master of Nintendo, had been working for weeks on his new project. He had sunk so much money into felt and cloth and scrap metal from the dumpster at the back of the local Home Depot. He had sacrificed everything to make it work, but this was the moment where it would all pay off. He connected the wires from his car battery to his new creation and watched as his creation slowly came into the world. Scared and unsure if it had been a success, he asked it a simple question: "Mario, can you hear me?" The newly born monster aimed its red eyes through its mouth and into its father's eyes, uttering its very first words in that shrill, unholy voice: "Where should we start?". Of course, I can already hear your complaints: "Mario doesn't sound like Chickenhead!" "Charles Martinet does his voice!" "Some other crap complaint!" But you forget that before Super Mario 64, Mario's voice was all over the place, and nobody knew which was right. Don't believe me? Here you are. Anyway, Howard then began step two of his plan: he presented his new creation to Nintendo of America. According to him, his new creation would drastically boost sales of Mario merchandise. They liked what they heard.
And so Howard Phillips and "Mario" went on to become great successes. They were raking in money left and right. Despite the rise to stardom, Howard remained humble and spent his earnings on as many Donkey Kong cabinets as he could buy, just as a reminder of his beginnings; "Mario" did not understand the concept of money, so he just let Howard have it all. Good times were had by all. Yet those good times were not to last. It all came crashing down on June 23, 1991, when Sonic the Hedgehog first hit store shelves. We all know the story: Sonic started kicking Mario's ass. Although it wasn't as bad as the generation to follow, Nintendo got hit pretty hard. Cuts had to be made, and Howard Phillips was the first to go. The top execs had determined that adults possibly named after television sets did not connect with the youth. Howard took this termination fairly hard, and he unleashed all his rage on "Mario." The abuse continued for a brief time before Howard refused to look at his creation. He demanded that it leave. "Mario", desperate at this point, pleaded with Howard and begged him to stay. But it had no effect on the beleaguered Howard. He pointed to the door and told "Mario", "Get out of here. You belong in a garbage can." With those words, "Mario" left in tears. (Or he would have, if Howard had given him the ability to cry. Such was the extent of his cruelty: he denied his creation sadness itself.) He wouldn't see Howard for three more years. He was attending his funeral; Howard died from asphyxiation by bowtie. "Mario" knew none of this; he simply walked up to the casket, leaned in close to the corpse, and whispered, "I must be on my way. Until we meet again!"
Some of you may be wondering what "Mario" was doing in the three years before Howard Phillip's death. Or in the years after it. He spent those years in a depressed stupor. He had nobody to go to, and he knew nothing of the world. It's amazing that he survived those terrible years, but predictable that those years drastically changed him. Slowly, he started becoming something less human. I'm aware that he's a garage robot, but this was when he began losing what made him "Mario" and started the metamorphosis into the Item Merchant. I don't know what he would possibly look like in between these forms, but I know that I would simultaneously be unable to recognize him and instinctively know what I gaze upon. He wandered the Earth in this pathetic state for quite some time, and it's very likely that he would have continued in this fashion if not for one fateful day. That was when he saw his true love. Every feature simply captivated him. Those brilliant eyes; the silky smooth hair; her full luscious lips; all simply beckoned to him, calling him out and such. The Merchant knew what he had to do. He had to approach her and declare his passionate love for her.
He opened the door to the orphanage and tried to approach his love. However, one of the workers, knowing what terrible things look like, decided to approach He greeted the worker and asked her, "Excuse me, madame, but could you introduce me to that beguiling mistress in that particular pod?" Confused, she asked, "Are you referring to the crib?" After getting confirmation, she responded in a stern voice with, "I'm sorry, but we only accept those who would make loving parents for these orphans, and you clearly-". "NOW SEE HERE! YOU SHALL UNITE ME WITH THAT BEAUTIFUL TEMPTRESS OR I WILL SUBJECT YOU TO THE DARKEST HELLFIRES MY RAGE CAN MUSTER!" Highly distressed, she simply handed the baby over to the Merchant without saying a word. Little did he know that somebody was watching him the entire time, and they liked what they say. But he wouldn't care; he wouldn't care about anything else in the world, because he had found his princess. He had never felt such elation and love for another in all of his life! But alas, it was not meant to be. Being a robot, the Item Merchant did not know how humans functioned; he did not know the essentials of human life, like how they need food to survive. In fact, he did not know what death was, so when it struck his beloved, he thought that she was simply bored with him. He roamed the world in search of interesting things to show her, but obviously, nothing worked. Again, I really wish that the story ended here. However, it does not (remember when I said Part 1?), as he eventually found out what death was. He knew that he could not bring back his only love, and with this realization, he let out a pained cry of anguish and despair. This was when he entered the picture. He swooped down upon his prey and extended his bony hand, as if to offer him something. The Merchant's response? "It seems we have a special bond, you and I."