By Video_Game_King 13 Comments
(It's been a while, hasn't it?) For those who don't remember, I have embarked on a quest to enlighten the people of Giant Bomb about the dark horror that is Chickenhead. You know, the robot chicken demon that has haunted my blog for quite some time. Last time, I told you about the origins of Chickenhead, and about how he went from a Mario robot to a baby thief. Now we get to the dark part of the title. And I mean dark. How dark?
Satan Claus is involved. Do you remember that bony hand that reached out to the Merchant in his hour of despair? It was recruiting another soldier for his dark, unholy army. But Satan Claus sensed a small amount of ambivalence in the young automaton. That is why he first gave him a tour of his facilities. His "workshop", if you will. But do not think of elves happily hammering away on wooden trains or whatever other propaganda that he has emptied into your brain. Instead, it is a horrifying, evil place, and the Merchant witnessed it all. In his tour, he saw starved elves quickly assemble munitions by hand as their soldier overlords watched over them, ready to quell anything even resembling resistance; horrible affronts to all one holds as just and true, dubbed "biological weapons" by the demonic deceiver; enough drugs to fund an empire; and so much more. He could not contain his joy. He couldn't express it, either, since that chicken head can't move in any way, but that's not important. What is important is that during that last one that a voice rang out and asked, "When are you going to introduce me to your guest?" Those words conjure cruel, terrifying images in my mind. They bring to thought a body that any man would find attractive (Bushwald Sexyface finds himself hideously torn on the manner, and you'll see why quite soon), and a face that resembles a collision between ham and spousal abuse. It's the reason why Sexyface fears alcohol.
It was Girl Beck. Of course, Satan Claus had a much more formal (and fucked up in more ways than there are numbers) way of acquainting the Merchant with her. He simply uttered, "Oh, yes, how could I be so forgetful? This is Gwen Beck, my wife." Gwen chimed in, "He created me from the deepest and most searing hellfires." And that was....I fucking hate that I remember this. I wish that there were walls hard enough that I could knock this memory out of my head. Anyway, that was when they started making out. Dear god, they went at it hard. I know that I shouldn't be surprised that Satan Claus was aggressive in everything that he did, but holy hell, did he put it all into this. It was like the most horrifying and scarring tentacle porn you could possibly imagine, only with Glenn Beck instead of an anime schoolgirl. It was the second most beautiful thing that the Merchant had ever witnessed. Satan Claus, whilst in the middle of tongue-fucking the shit out of Gwen Beck, noticed the Merchant watching. I'd say that he saw the look on his face, which projected whatever the robotic equivalent of eroticism is, but as we all know, the chicken-y gaze on that monstrosity's face never changes. Anyway, Satan Claus noticed this and decided to stop for a bit and question the Merchant a bit. "You seem interested in our display. Tell me, what about it captures your interest so?" Surprisingly, the Merchant replied with, "Well, I would have to say that it's the tender love in your act. I wish I could know such love again, but..." And that's when Satan Claus pounced on the opportunity: "What if I told you that I could bring her back?" The Merchant squealed with joy, but Satan Claus had to cut it short. "Now, I won't simply give you what you want right away. You'll have to do a few...favors for me."
And so the Merchant did Satan Claus's dirty work, killing all sorts of people for reasons I understand not. Hell, I don't think that some of those deaths had reason; Satan Claus (or worse, the Merchant) simply wanted something to die, and they didn't care who. This continued for some time, and (look, I know that I'm saying this a lot, but it must be repeated) yet again, I sincerely wish that the story ended here. But, of course, it does not, for somebody was plotting to kill Satan Claus, and on Christmas Eve, of all days. Satan Claus caught wind of this and decided to send his most ruthless soldier on this most important mission. "Will I finally be reunited with my love?", the Merchant hopefully asked. "In due time, my soldier", replied the embodiment of all that is evil. (Of course, Satan Claus had absolutely no intentions of bringing the baby girl back to life; he just needed to lead him on more for his sick goals. But I shouldn't have to tell you that...right?) Eager to get back to his baby love, the Merchant accepted this mission and left to handle the threat on his master's life. He did not know what to expect; all he knew was that he was to wait on a rooftop and wait for the threat to arise. Initially, he complied, but over time, he grew impatient. Just as he was about to leave, though, a mustached man wearing very little pounced on him. "Where is your master!?", he barked at the confused chicken robot. The Merchant had no response. How could he think of anything in the presence of such a hideous creature? Scared, he flew off into the night, screaming, "I shall see you again!" (I can't imagine that he was proud of fucking up his line.)
Satan Claus was fucking pissed when he heard this. "I am sorry, my master", pleaded the Merchant. "I know that I do not deserve forgiveness, but what can I do to win your favor again?" Satan Claus simply ordered: "Show this assassin's master the consequences of his actions." I imagine Satan Claus went into detail about who I was and why I should be harmed, because the Merchant's next instinct was to leap into the second season of Yu-Gi-Oh. (Remember, this is the Fragile Dreams universe, and this was its hero.) I'm ashamed that I know what happens in that season, so let's keep this brief: the Merchant Yu-Gi-Oh'd his way to the blimp part, and then commandeered it. How, you ask? This. I don't know, either, and I'm glad that I don't know. The point is that he managed to crash through the Great Lunar Shield (you know, the one that sci-fi body spray dude invaded so long ago) and land straight in my courtyard. I'm fairly certain that he summoned the wrath of the castle guards, but what's really important is that he woke me up from my post-Night of the Sexyface slumber. Angry at such a brazen act of defiance (sleep is very important to Lunarians such as myself), I grabbed my crown, put on the nearest Organization XIII robe, and decided that something needed to die. Then, as I was entering the courtyard....it was then that I first saw Chickenhead, in all his horror, drenched in the blood of the guards he eviscerated with god knows what.
I don't remember much after that. It's all kind of a hazy blur. The next thing I remember is waking up in the nearest hospital. For some reason, I was still in my robe and crown, and nobody was around to notice that I had woken up. I can understand the Queen (she must have been ruling the country in my absence), but none of my loyal citizens? Really? Must have been a guarded state secret or something. Anyway, dressed in what clearly wasn't medical garb, I eventually found out that six months had passed since that fateful encounter. All I had to remember it by (besides this two part story that I'm sure none of you have read) was this picture pinned to the inside of my robe:
Ever since I've seen that picture, I knew something was terribly wrong with it, and I've been posting it to the forums for a while, hoping that somebody would come forth with a hint as to its meaning. Anybody have any leads? Or are you too busy with the Night of the Sexyface celebrations to care?