The Return of the King



The Story

( As many of you know, I have not been blogging for the past two and a half weeks.) But of course, I returned, and with an absolutely metric shitton of things to say! First, why I wasn't blogging. For the longest time, my laptop has seen it fit to communicate to me through monstrous whirring sounds. Eventually, I decided to figure out why it was groaning like this, and upon opening the damn thing up (well, opening it as far as you can go without removing the hard drive), I discovered why: enough dust to adorn whatever current-gen console you like.
 
 Pictured: a JRPG goldfish.
Seriously, this thing was loaded with dust. I think I even found a pubic hair lodged in there. I didn't end it with the word "somehow" because I knew about the things it was doing with my dryer. However, when I told it to stop blowing my dryer, I'm guessing it stopped listening at "blowing", leading it overheating and passing out. So I sent the damn thing in for repairs and waited, biding my time with the Wii. Oh, look at that, it has an Internet browser! That's how I was able to participate in all those quests...sort of. See, Giant Bomb doesn't really work on the Wii, only allowing me to post updates and look at the site. I couldn't even update my lists (you'll see why I wanted to do so soon enough), but even if I could, I still wouldn't be able to see them. Why? Well, whereas my laptop had some weird selective deafness, my Wii had as good a memory as a JRPG goldfish. Any stress whatsoever will cause it to crap itself, asking you to reload the page before giving up and going to Google. None of this even qualifies as the weirdest part of the Wii browser. No, that goes to the words. Specifically, what you WON'T find in the auto-fill dictionary, swears obviously excluded:
 
  • punctuation: Apparently, Nintendo doesn't want me watching anything Yahtzee related. And they're right, I should stop watching the bastard child of Mr. Game & Watch, Boomhauer from King of the Hill, and an Australian guy.
  • yakuza: Pay attention, as this will be a recurring theme.
  • blog: Maybe I was wrong on the Yahtzee thing, since when I tried typing this word, the Wii suggested "bloke", like I bought my Wii through chimney sweep money.
  • anus: Hey, it's a medical term! One you won't find here.
  • barnacle: I think we all know how this came up: Spongebob.
  • Hiroshima: The only reason I bring this up is because as soon as I typed the letter N, my Wii was very eager to recommend Nagasaki as a word. Apparently, nuclear bombings are like fighting games: nobody ever remembers the first one.
  • mime: Again, I applaud Nintendo. Let's ignore their creepy existence.
  • bunnies: OK, this one confuses me, mainly because this is supposed to be a kid's system. Way to be anal, Nintendo. Wait.....no, anal isn't there, either.
  • Scientologist: See mime.
  • vendetta: Remember, remember, the fuck was that thing about?
  • misanthropy: I wish there was a straight-faced Kefka sprite. I seriously wish there was, just for this occasion.
 
So what will you find in this weird dictionary? Well...
 
  • semen: Another theme has been established! Why does Nintendo think everybody who buys a Wii is interested at all in semen?
  • erotic: Damn it, Nintendo!
  • Xanadu: I'll let this one slide, since nobody knows that this was a Mongolian fuck palace.
  • Mewtwo: I like to brag about my Melee awesomeness, even if it just gets a lot of "why don't you just play Brawl" responses. I just like Mewtwo better.
  • bloke: Again, I'm not a friend of Dickens nor Poppins. It's not like I spend my time in Xanadu.
  • Diddy: It doesn't even come with Kong attached, so I'm forced to assume that about 40% of Wii owners are P Diddy.
  • asl: Nice way to cater to your pedophile demographic, Nintendo. It does a lot to explain why I get a McDonald's coupon with every Wii game purchase.
  • Wong: OK, this one makes perfect sense. If you're ever caught using the above word, a racist...thing appears on your screen, saying, " So, who's gonna get their dick ripped off tonight?"
  • seiko: I had no idea what the crap this was. I had to look it up on Google to find out that it's not something from Tim & Eric, but a watch company. Wait, people still have watches? W....what? (Oh, while I'm on the subject, let me say that I've finally started learning Japanese. My thoughts regarding the process have been confirmed: learning the character system is the hardest part. Excuse me a second. *punches Pepsiman in the face for laughing at me*)
 
 
 

Damn you, Britain! You could've dragged it on for a few weeks so this next video would be relevant, but you selfish sods just haaaaad to resolve your election controversy.
 
 
 

But wait, there's more!

( Yes, because I haven't blogged about games in two and a half weeks!) That averages out to about five blogs missing from my roster. By my new calculations, I've given you about enough material to sate about 1.5 googolplex blogs. "Huh?", you ask me, confused as to what the hell a googolplex is. It's a really big number, dumbass. And because it's so big, I could only (re)play each game briefly before deciding on a score and haiku. Shut up, it's not like you guys were suggesting games I should replay. Besides, why should I have trusted you? You're an idiot; you don't even know what a googolplex is.
 



14 Comments
14 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King


The Story

( As many of you know, I have not been blogging for the past two and a half weeks.) But of course, I returned, and with an absolutely metric shitton of things to say! First, why I wasn't blogging. For the longest time, my laptop has seen it fit to communicate to me through monstrous whirring sounds. Eventually, I decided to figure out why it was groaning like this, and upon opening the damn thing up (well, opening it as far as you can go without removing the hard drive), I discovered why: enough dust to adorn whatever current-gen console you like.
 
 Pictured: a JRPG goldfish.
Seriously, this thing was loaded with dust. I think I even found a pubic hair lodged in there. I didn't end it with the word "somehow" because I knew about the things it was doing with my dryer. However, when I told it to stop blowing my dryer, I'm guessing it stopped listening at "blowing", leading it overheating and passing out. So I sent the damn thing in for repairs and waited, biding my time with the Wii. Oh, look at that, it has an Internet browser! That's how I was able to participate in all those quests...sort of. See, Giant Bomb doesn't really work on the Wii, only allowing me to post updates and look at the site. I couldn't even update my lists (you'll see why I wanted to do so soon enough), but even if I could, I still wouldn't be able to see them. Why? Well, whereas my laptop had some weird selective deafness, my Wii had as good a memory as a JRPG goldfish. Any stress whatsoever will cause it to crap itself, asking you to reload the page before giving up and going to Google. None of this even qualifies as the weirdest part of the Wii browser. No, that goes to the words. Specifically, what you WON'T find in the auto-fill dictionary, swears obviously excluded:
 
  • punctuation: Apparently, Nintendo doesn't want me watching anything Yahtzee related. And they're right, I should stop watching the bastard child of Mr. Game & Watch, Boomhauer from King of the Hill, and an Australian guy.
  • yakuza: Pay attention, as this will be a recurring theme.
  • blog: Maybe I was wrong on the Yahtzee thing, since when I tried typing this word, the Wii suggested "bloke", like I bought my Wii through chimney sweep money.
  • anus: Hey, it's a medical term! One you won't find here.
  • barnacle: I think we all know how this came up: Spongebob.
  • Hiroshima: The only reason I bring this up is because as soon as I typed the letter N, my Wii was very eager to recommend Nagasaki as a word. Apparently, nuclear bombings are like fighting games: nobody ever remembers the first one.
  • mime: Again, I applaud Nintendo. Let's ignore their creepy existence.
  • bunnies: OK, this one confuses me, mainly because this is supposed to be a kid's system. Way to be anal, Nintendo. Wait.....no, anal isn't there, either.
  • Scientologist: See mime.
  • vendetta: Remember, remember, the fuck was that thing about?
  • misanthropy: I wish there was a straight-faced Kefka sprite. I seriously wish there was, just for this occasion.
 
So what will you find in this weird dictionary? Well...
 
  • semen: Another theme has been established! Why does Nintendo think everybody who buys a Wii is interested at all in semen?
  • erotic: Damn it, Nintendo!
  • Xanadu: I'll let this one slide, since nobody knows that this was a Mongolian fuck palace.
  • Mewtwo: I like to brag about my Melee awesomeness, even if it just gets a lot of "why don't you just play Brawl" responses. I just like Mewtwo better.
  • bloke: Again, I'm not a friend of Dickens nor Poppins. It's not like I spend my time in Xanadu.
  • Diddy: It doesn't even come with Kong attached, so I'm forced to assume that about 40% of Wii owners are P Diddy.
  • asl: Nice way to cater to your pedophile demographic, Nintendo. It does a lot to explain why I get a McDonald's coupon with every Wii game purchase.
  • Wong: OK, this one makes perfect sense. If you're ever caught using the above word, a racist...thing appears on your screen, saying, " So, who's gonna get their dick ripped off tonight?"
  • seiko: I had no idea what the crap this was. I had to look it up on Google to find out that it's not something from Tim & Eric, but a watch company. Wait, people still have watches? W....what? (Oh, while I'm on the subject, let me say that I've finally started learning Japanese. My thoughts regarding the process have been confirmed: learning the character system is the hardest part. Excuse me a second. *punches Pepsiman in the face for laughing at me*)
 
 
 

Damn you, Britain! You could've dragged it on for a few weeks so this next video would be relevant, but you selfish sods just haaaaad to resolve your election controversy.
 
 
 

But wait, there's more!

( Yes, because I haven't blogged about games in two and a half weeks!) That averages out to about five blogs missing from my roster. By my new calculations, I've given you about enough material to sate about 1.5 googolplex blogs. "Huh?", you ask me, confused as to what the hell a googolplex is. It's a really big number, dumbass. And because it's so big, I could only (re)play each game briefly before deciding on a score and haiku. Shut up, it's not like you guys were suggesting games I should replay. Besides, why should I have trusted you? You're an idiot; you don't even know what a googolplex is.
 



Posted by Gabriel

Yeah Lord of the Rings Return of the King was a great game.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Gabriel: 
 
I can't tell if that's a joke or if that's serious. I guess I don't understand ninja humor.
Posted by hinderk

Awesome blog! Glad to see that your back.

Posted by Claude

I guess that proves it. Moon dust is just as bad as earth dust.

Posted by LiquidPrince
@Video_Game_King: It means he just didn't read anything aside from the topic title. How can you distinguish little strands of hair from pubic hair? Sounds like you examined it a fair bit.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@LiquidPrince: 
 
It was actually quite long. Long enough for me to know that my dryer is sporting a serious afro between its legs.
Posted by ArbitraryWater

Welcome back my good king. I'm glad to see an exploded computer didn't hinder you one bit on the game playing department.
 
You played Shadow the Hedgehog? You poor bastard. Really, that's the game on your list that stands out in terms of sheer awfulness (that, and maybe the master system version of Sonic the Hedgehog, which I understand to be crap). I remember playing it when I was 13 or so and thinking of how not-good it was. That was back when I rented games (for the gamecube no less), so I finished it anyways out of the masochistic desire to get my money's worth. Yep. Those were the days.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater: 
 
Oh, it definitely did; I couldn't play Persona ( kickass music) or Romancing SaGa (shut up, kickass music), only games I actually own.
 
At least Sonic on the Master System is playable; I couldn't even be bothered to accomplish the morality goals, since they boiled down to "kill everybody" or "do my shopping."
 
Hold on....you're 18, aren't you? Ha! I found out your age! I also rented games back then, mostly because Blockbuster wasn't dead. Keep that in mind when you see why I won't replay Black or Pirates of the Caribbean or Geist. Those were...those really weren't the days. Now are the days.
Posted by cap123

haha i loved that video, summed it up perfectly.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@cap123: 
 
Yea, I know. I can see why people voted for David Cameron. He was in Plymouth recently! How much more do you need!?
Posted by RichardLOlson

ok...........

Posted by ArbitraryWater
@Video_Game_King:  Oh yeah, I forgot about the other way you play games. Should be interesting to see what you think of Persona 1, especially since it was from an era of butchered and heavily americanized localizations. You know, the kind that make most otaku psychopaths quake in anger. They made one of your party members a black gangsta for crying out loud.
 
I'm actually 17, but you have the idea. My childhood renting days consisted of picking games that I thought looked good, which occasionally/almost always ended poorly. It didn't help that the N64 and the Gamecube weren't exactly beacons of quality outside of first party stuff. Now that I have actual money and taste in games, not to mention the part where every rental service not called Netflix or Gamefly has gone out of business, I can actually pick good games and waste my money/my parents money that way.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater: 
 
Also keep in mind that I'm the guy who got pissed over Devil Survivor not bothering to translate an entire f'ing line. This should be fun. Also, I've something planned for Mark changing race like that.
 
My method was "look at the reviews, and follow them religiously." Later on, I learned that this was a horrible idea, mainly because a lot of reviewers have no idea what they're talking about when they can't even agree on what score to give Deadly Premonition. Now, I just pick whatever games interest me, which is how I got stuck in a wiped-out Japan with this guy. In other words, it's totally awesome.