This is what happens when you've beaten as many games as me.



Trip World

( First, you run out of games to beat.) I've been detailing this for quite some time, but do you know how hard it is to find a good game that doesn't have some huge title attached to it? No, you don't, since you've never had to play through shit like Trip World, hoping it'd be something decent. More often than not, it isn't, leading to the half-assed blog you see before you.
 
 Eh, close enough.
OK, maybe not totally half-assed; after all, there are some instances where the game just doesn't want me to review it. The story of this one, for example. All I have is " the intro sort of looks like Ninja Gaiden and Pokemon decided to get together." There's nothing else I can say on it other than that one dumb joke. I'd use it as a transition into the gameplay, but unfortunately, there's no mention of Kirby in there. "What does th-" *punches you in the gut* I'm surprised you didn't see either of those things coming. "See wh-" *punches you in the mouth* Shut up! I'm trying to say that this game is pretty much a rip-off of Kirby. Think abou-no, wait, that won't work, for several reasons. Anyway, it's a portable platformer where you fly through levels as a cute yet ambiguous animal thing with the odd ability to gain powers through eating random things. Only, you know, none of that is as good as Kirby. In fact, it's not even that good.
 
First, the flying part of this game. Remember how easy it was to fly in Kirby? Just inhale a bunch of air and that somehow makes you float. Not so in the world of Trip World. It took me a while to figure this out: fiddle around with the D-pad and the B-button a bit, and suddenly your character will be unable to move, quite literally making you a sitting duck. Only you're not a duck, you're a rabbit thing. But to avoid sitting, you have to press the A button to float about half a meter above the ground. So it's a shittier version jumping with an arbitrary limit on how far you can fly. I guess they didn't want it being too useful. Or useful at all. Wait, why am I complaining about this? It's not like there're any moments in the game where I'm required to use this poorly executed move.
 
If anything, I should be complaining about the power-up system! Remember how in any Kirby game ever (except for the first one, oddly enough), you could suck up enemies and gain their powers through dark Mayan rituals? Again, not present here. Instead, you eat random fruit and stuff that gives you a funny looking form that kills people through the power of your own shame. "-" No, just keep your mouth shut, OK? There's nothing wrong with any of that on its own. No, it needs help from the game, in that the power-ups kinda suck. Sure, they get the job done, but in a PC " every 80s cartoon ever" way, removing any sense of satisfaction to be had in killing things. Oh, and there's an arbitrary, invisible limit on how much you can use a given power-up, because apparently the game was too fun without it.
 
So I've spent the last four paragraphs barely ranting about this game, so is there anything good about it? In a weird way that will no doubt confuse your heads into a violent explosion, the game. I'm just going to assume your head has already exploded, so there's no way for you to talk, and even if it didn't, I HAVE THIS HUGE FIST WAITING FOR YOU. Anyway, I stand by everything I said, but none of what I said makes the game unplayable, like all the features in The Game Whose Name I Shall Never Mention. Everything still works, and it's quite easy to pick up and play; so much so that you can probably finish it in a single bus ride. That's about an hour; an hour of five levels, bosses easier than all the high school classes you took (idiot), and really good graphics/music. Other than that, nothing notable to say about this game. What, you want to say something, oblivious to how stale this joke has become? No, shut the hell up. I'm giving this game the Not on Giant Bomb Award. Why? Oh, you're asking for it now. * turns on fight music*
 

Review Synopsis

  • Everything about this game is designed to make you want to kill your Game Boy.
  • But you can't, because it's so easy.
  • And it looks good! In short, this game is Sasha from Titan Maximum.
 
 
 

 
Man, I love a culture that gives you an excuse to punch somebody.
 
 
 

Disney's Magical Quest Starring Mickey and Minnie Mouse

( Second, you have to go back and essentially rebeat games you've already played.) Before I go any further, let me say that I played the one version I didn't do last time. Not that it matters; you'll be doing the same jokes you did last time, questioning why the hell you even wrote the blog. Hopefully, the people reading this blog will have as horrible a memory as you do, or, at the very least, they don't know how (or have the patience) to search through all the bl.....wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right, Long F'ing Title Right Above Me.
 
Show me one thing in this picture that doesn't have a prominent lisp.
*actually looks at title* Huh? What's that about Minnie? She doesn't do anything in this game; hell, you could probably play as Mickey the entire time if he wasn't such a massive prick. He's gone back to his favorite hobby: beating up Pete for no reason. He hates Pete so much, he dreams about it every night! I'm surprised Disney could create such a psyc-wait, no, I'm not. Actually, to be fair, Mickey doesn't get the golden asshole medal this time; no, that is an honor I bestow upon Goofy. (For the curious, the medal is a butt plug I spray painted gold. Make of that what you will.) You see, at the beginning of the game, Goofy finds fun in throwing a baseball right into Mickey's dumb face, somehow causing Pluto to leave. Maybe he thinks that he's next; maybe that was the signal to tell the other dogs that the war against man has commenced; maybe I'm just writing down whatever random ideas pop into my clearly insane mind. The point is that Goofy, instead of taking responsibility for his actions, just moonwalks away, only to come back later with the gayest thing anybody has ever seen ever (picture right).
 
Oh, that reminds me: the major gameplay twist. As if green tights and Dorothy's ruby slippers aren't already gay enough, Mickey gets his powers from what he's wearing at the time. For example, a leotard turns him into Nathan Spencer with all the badass sucked out; a turban gives him magical powers, somehow; the firefighter's outfit puts out fires (but again, is probably something you'd see in a Chippendales ( oh God...)); and going shirtless allows you to throw things, sort of. It's less of a throw and more like a half-assed chuck with a spin (no, I'm not gonna do a Chuck Norris joke), since everything Mickey throws has this odd tendency to go down. Yes, I know about gravity, you incredibly rude reader, but in most games, I've usually seen thrown objects traveling in either arks or straight lines; here, you pretty much need to be close enough to the enemy to give them a man-hug if you want to do any real damage. Either that, or use one of the other, much better suits. OK, so they run on ammo; so what? You find enough water to fuel spring break, and trip over more than enough lamps to maintain the constant line of shitty Aladdin sequels.
 
Other than that, I've pretty much nothing to say. It's an average game with oddly 8 bit music (even more odd is that I typed this while listening to 8 bit music) and not much to it. I'm not going to hold that against....you know what, I'll just call it Mickey and the Moonwalker for short....anyway, I won't hold the above against Mickey and the Moonwalker, since it's a portable game and that stuff should be shorter than the titular non-Moonwalker. What I will hypocritically hold against the game are some old school quirks that make progress through the game a messy nightmare. (Odd choice of words, given that the game is literally just that.) Tell me how this makes sense: die once, and you go back to the beginning of whatever world you were in; die enough times to get game over, and you start over later on in the level. I can't even come up with a joke for that! What I can come up with is an award for this game: Perez Hilton Award for Being So Very Gay.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Goofy is the type of turd who will kick you in the nuts, make your wife divorce you, and then moonwalk into his next plot.
  • There's a reason firefighters don't strip in public: because they obviously can't rock the shirtless look like our friend Mickey.
  • A rather forgettable game that you can blow through in about two Trip World sessions.

34 Comments
34 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King


Trip World

( First, you run out of games to beat.) I've been detailing this for quite some time, but do you know how hard it is to find a good game that doesn't have some huge title attached to it? No, you don't, since you've never had to play through shit like Trip World, hoping it'd be something decent. More often than not, it isn't, leading to the half-assed blog you see before you.
 
 Eh, close enough.
OK, maybe not totally half-assed; after all, there are some instances where the game just doesn't want me to review it. The story of this one, for example. All I have is " the intro sort of looks like Ninja Gaiden and Pokemon decided to get together." There's nothing else I can say on it other than that one dumb joke. I'd use it as a transition into the gameplay, but unfortunately, there's no mention of Kirby in there. "What does th-" *punches you in the gut* I'm surprised you didn't see either of those things coming. "See wh-" *punches you in the mouth* Shut up! I'm trying to say that this game is pretty much a rip-off of Kirby. Think abou-no, wait, that won't work, for several reasons. Anyway, it's a portable platformer where you fly through levels as a cute yet ambiguous animal thing with the odd ability to gain powers through eating random things. Only, you know, none of that is as good as Kirby. In fact, it's not even that good.
 
First, the flying part of this game. Remember how easy it was to fly in Kirby? Just inhale a bunch of air and that somehow makes you float. Not so in the world of Trip World. It took me a while to figure this out: fiddle around with the D-pad and the B-button a bit, and suddenly your character will be unable to move, quite literally making you a sitting duck. Only you're not a duck, you're a rabbit thing. But to avoid sitting, you have to press the A button to float about half a meter above the ground. So it's a shittier version jumping with an arbitrary limit on how far you can fly. I guess they didn't want it being too useful. Or useful at all. Wait, why am I complaining about this? It's not like there're any moments in the game where I'm required to use this poorly executed move.
 
If anything, I should be complaining about the power-up system! Remember how in any Kirby game ever (except for the first one, oddly enough), you could suck up enemies and gain their powers through dark Mayan rituals? Again, not present here. Instead, you eat random fruit and stuff that gives you a funny looking form that kills people through the power of your own shame. "-" No, just keep your mouth shut, OK? There's nothing wrong with any of that on its own. No, it needs help from the game, in that the power-ups kinda suck. Sure, they get the job done, but in a PC " every 80s cartoon ever" way, removing any sense of satisfaction to be had in killing things. Oh, and there's an arbitrary, invisible limit on how much you can use a given power-up, because apparently the game was too fun without it.
 
So I've spent the last four paragraphs barely ranting about this game, so is there anything good about it? In a weird way that will no doubt confuse your heads into a violent explosion, the game. I'm just going to assume your head has already exploded, so there's no way for you to talk, and even if it didn't, I HAVE THIS HUGE FIST WAITING FOR YOU. Anyway, I stand by everything I said, but none of what I said makes the game unplayable, like all the features in The Game Whose Name I Shall Never Mention. Everything still works, and it's quite easy to pick up and play; so much so that you can probably finish it in a single bus ride. That's about an hour; an hour of five levels, bosses easier than all the high school classes you took (idiot), and really good graphics/music. Other than that, nothing notable to say about this game. What, you want to say something, oblivious to how stale this joke has become? No, shut the hell up. I'm giving this game the Not on Giant Bomb Award. Why? Oh, you're asking for it now. * turns on fight music*
 

Review Synopsis

  • Everything about this game is designed to make you want to kill your Game Boy.
  • But you can't, because it's so easy.
  • And it looks good! In short, this game is Sasha from Titan Maximum.
 
 
 

 
Man, I love a culture that gives you an excuse to punch somebody.
 
 
 

Disney's Magical Quest Starring Mickey and Minnie Mouse

( Second, you have to go back and essentially rebeat games you've already played.) Before I go any further, let me say that I played the one version I didn't do last time. Not that it matters; you'll be doing the same jokes you did last time, questioning why the hell you even wrote the blog. Hopefully, the people reading this blog will have as horrible a memory as you do, or, at the very least, they don't know how (or have the patience) to search through all the bl.....wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right, Long F'ing Title Right Above Me.
 
Show me one thing in this picture that doesn't have a prominent lisp.
*actually looks at title* Huh? What's that about Minnie? She doesn't do anything in this game; hell, you could probably play as Mickey the entire time if he wasn't such a massive prick. He's gone back to his favorite hobby: beating up Pete for no reason. He hates Pete so much, he dreams about it every night! I'm surprised Disney could create such a psyc-wait, no, I'm not. Actually, to be fair, Mickey doesn't get the golden asshole medal this time; no, that is an honor I bestow upon Goofy. (For the curious, the medal is a butt plug I spray painted gold. Make of that what you will.) You see, at the beginning of the game, Goofy finds fun in throwing a baseball right into Mickey's dumb face, somehow causing Pluto to leave. Maybe he thinks that he's next; maybe that was the signal to tell the other dogs that the war against man has commenced; maybe I'm just writing down whatever random ideas pop into my clearly insane mind. The point is that Goofy, instead of taking responsibility for his actions, just moonwalks away, only to come back later with the gayest thing anybody has ever seen ever (picture right).
 
Oh, that reminds me: the major gameplay twist. As if green tights and Dorothy's ruby slippers aren't already gay enough, Mickey gets his powers from what he's wearing at the time. For example, a leotard turns him into Nathan Spencer with all the badass sucked out; a turban gives him magical powers, somehow; the firefighter's outfit puts out fires (but again, is probably something you'd see in a Chippendales ( oh God...)); and going shirtless allows you to throw things, sort of. It's less of a throw and more like a half-assed chuck with a spin (no, I'm not gonna do a Chuck Norris joke), since everything Mickey throws has this odd tendency to go down. Yes, I know about gravity, you incredibly rude reader, but in most games, I've usually seen thrown objects traveling in either arks or straight lines; here, you pretty much need to be close enough to the enemy to give them a man-hug if you want to do any real damage. Either that, or use one of the other, much better suits. OK, so they run on ammo; so what? You find enough water to fuel spring break, and trip over more than enough lamps to maintain the constant line of shitty Aladdin sequels.
 
Other than that, I've pretty much nothing to say. It's an average game with oddly 8 bit music (even more odd is that I typed this while listening to 8 bit music) and not much to it. I'm not going to hold that against....you know what, I'll just call it Mickey and the Moonwalker for short....anyway, I won't hold the above against Mickey and the Moonwalker, since it's a portable game and that stuff should be shorter than the titular non-Moonwalker. What I will hypocritically hold against the game are some old school quirks that make progress through the game a messy nightmare. (Odd choice of words, given that the game is literally just that.) Tell me how this makes sense: die once, and you go back to the beginning of whatever world you were in; die enough times to get game over, and you start over later on in the level. I can't even come up with a joke for that! What I can come up with is an award for this game: Perez Hilton Award for Being So Very Gay.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Goofy is the type of turd who will kick you in the nuts, make your wife divorce you, and then moonwalk into his next plot.
  • There's a reason firefighters don't strip in public: because they obviously can't rock the shirtless look like our friend Mickey.
  • A rather forgettable game that you can blow through in about two Trip World sessions.

Posted by BionicMonster

why?

Edited by Video_Game_King
@BionicMonster said:

" why? "

Why what? Why does this happen? Simply put, you run out of games to beat.
Posted by EVO

But have you beat Rez?
 
Everyone should beat Rez.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@EVO: 
 
No, mainly because I still have a shit-ton of other games that need beating. Besides, I can't exactly get it (no Dreamcast, don't know anything on the PS2 version, don't have 360 points or whatever).
Posted by EVO
@Video_Game_King: 
All you need to know about the PS2 version is it comes with a vibrator.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@EVO: 
 
All you need to know about me is that I don't have a vagina...................Where else can we go from here?
Posted by EVO
@Video_Game_King:
 
To my place?
Posted by Video_Game_King
@EVO: 
 
Again, no vagina.
Posted by Astras

I like how you still consider retro games as possibles games to play.. I think i played magical quest on the megadrive when I was a youngen.. i rem looking at it and thinking "WTF they got me a really shit piece of junk"...."thanks a fcin bunch"
 
really it was quite challenging and I ended up not minding it, I wouldn't say replay old games tho.. get an emulator with different roms, or if your playing on an advance get one of those flash cards so you can just play any GBA title.
Heres a few classics not to forget about:
 
chrono trigger.
Final fantasy tactics advance
Advance wars.
FF6

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Astras: 
 
Odd. I remember think, "OK, this is a decent game."
 
I didn't forget about those at all. Hell, I've played two of them already.
Posted by SuperfluousMoniker

Did you ever play the game Trip World is supposedly a spiritual sequel to, Mr. Gimmick? I'd never heard of it before I saw that video since it never got a US release. Looks pretty good.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@SuperfluousMoniker: 
 
What, Mr. Gimmick? I'll have to try that and regret it later on.
Posted by iam3green

nice list :)  games were great back in the day.  it is funny when i was younger it took like months to figure out how to beat games. compared to now they only take like a couple of days if u only play that game. 
 
mega man x was one of those games that took me a while to beat. a couple of months ago i played it on computer from emulator it only took me like half hour to get to almost the boss. i only got to the last boss but never beat it when i was younger.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@iam3green: 
 
That's odd; I beat it in August of last year, and it didn't take me that long at all. The only thing holding me back would've been the horrible music. (Oh, forgot to mention that I was playing the DOS version. Avoid it.)
Posted by Jeust
@Video_Game_King said:
" @EVO:   Again, no vagina. "
ahahaha he might have a sister. :p 
 
Never played any of those games, and i don't plan to. I'll play Mickey Mouse's World of Illusion. That was a pretty good game at the time it launched.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Jeust: 
 
What makes you think that either of you could hook up with her? She's Lunarian royalty; you're Internet creeps.
 
Did I play World of Illusion? I can't remember. I know I played Castle of Illusion. Wait, did WoI have Donald in it, too?
Posted by Jeust
@Video_Game_King said:
" @Jeust:   What makes you think that either of you could hook up with her? She's Lunarian royalty; you're Internet creeps.  Did I play World of Illusion? I can't remember. I know I played Castle of Illusion. Wait, did WoI have Donald in it, too? "
Suits me well, i'm from the moon too. Yep it had Donald. It was a great game at the time it launched. Funny, addictive and interesting.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Jeust: 
 
Huh? You are? Which part?
 
OK, then I've played it.
Posted by iam3green
@Video_Game_King said:
" @iam3green:   That's odd; I beat it in August of last year, and it didn't take me that long at all. The only thing holding me back would've been the horrible music. (Oh, forgot to mention that I was playing the DOS version. Avoid it.) "
i use to have a snes with it. i thought the music was good.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@iam3green: 
 
The SNES version, yea; but the DOS version sounds HORRIBLE. I think it was originally used as torture against American POWs during World War II.
Posted by ArbitraryWater

Wow. You are scraping the bottom of the barrel here with one obscure GB platformer and another semi-obscure Genesis platformer ported to the GBA. C'mon. You know you want to play Heroes of Might and Magic.... (or not. But you should, because it's awesome)

Online
Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater: 
 
Genesis? I think you mean SNES. Or is that how you spell SNES in your made-up world. But yea, I know how desperate I am at this point. I'd play Heroes of Might & Magic, but there are several things stopping me, like length, what the game is, and a bunch of other games.
Posted by ArbitraryWater
@Video_Game_King said:
" @ArbitraryWater:   Genesis? I think you mean SNES. Or is that how you spell SNES in your made-up world. But yea, I know how desperate I am at this point. I'd play Heroes of Might & Magic, but there are several things stopping me, like length, what the game is, and a bunch of other games. "
Bah. Got my Mickey Mouse Platformers mixed up.  Isn't Castle of Illusion the Genesis one? Or is that the Master System?
 
And it never hurt to try pushing titles on you. After all, it's only $10 on Good Old Games, along with Might and Magic 1-6 and Heroes I and II. Length really isn't an issue, unless you insist on beating every single campaign (there are like 20 spread across the base game and two expansions) But hey, at least it's not a certain popular Sci-Fi First Person Shooter.
Online
Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater: 
 
Both.
 
I'll have to do the research, but you should know by now that I could probably get it without money :P. But whatever; if it isn't that piece of crap shooter, then it's probably....no, I'll still pay nothing.
Posted by XenturiK

Are there any physical side effects to having beaten as many games as you?
Posted by Video_Game_King
@XenturiK said:
" Are there any physical side effects to having beaten as many games as you? "
Yes, one: you emit a powerful scent that tells women not to have sex with you :P.
Posted by Shirogane
@XenturiK said:
"Are there any physical side effects to having beaten as many games as you? "

Detiorioration of muscles and bone? 
 
You seriously havn't played Heroes of Might and Magic? Any of them? They're slow, but somewhat interesting...somewhat.
Posted by Jeust
@Video_Game_King said:
" @Jeust:   Huh? You are? Which part?  OK, then I've played it. "
I'm from the Sea of Tranquility. Have you ever been there? 
 
I have also played it, but never got to the end. Have to fix that some time soon. :p
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Jeust: 
 
Ha! Bullshit! I call bullshit! We have no Sea of Tranquility; that was just a name some astronaut guys gave to something on the Lunar Shield or something. You are no true moon citizen!
Posted by Sinkwater
@Video_Game_King said:

" @EVO:   No, mainly because I still have a shit-ton of other games that need beating. Besides, I can't exactly get it (no Dreamcast, don't know anything on the PS2 version, don't have 360 points or whatever). "

 Wait, now I'm confused.  Do you have a shit-ton of games to beat, or are you running out of games to beat?
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Sinkwater: 
 
Both. Let me explain: most of them are RPGs which would take me really long to beat. Meanwhile, I don't have enough short games to make into filler blogs.
Posted by Davvyk

More to the point...... 
 
BEARS PLAYING HOCKEY!? 
 
 
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Davvyk: 
 
I think you posted on the wrong blog. I know I don't proofread these things, but I don't remember putting bear jokes in THIS one.