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Trust me, it's better than all those other ones.

By Video_Game_King January 1, 2010 23 Comments

Game of the Year!

( Yep, it's my Game of the Year Awards!) However, unlike the rest of you, who just made a list and added some words to it, I thought I'd give mine more purpose and personality. (And a shitload of pictures.) Rather than just give a Best GOTY and Worst GOTY, I'm going to give those and more. So much more. But let's begin with the predictabl-but wait! I forgot: each game will also have its own music theme thing. Anyway...

( When you see how poorly Photoshopped (or in this case, Paint.Netted) the awards are, you know it has to be good!) So what game did I choose? Batman: Arkham Asylum? WRONG! Modern Warfare 2? Sorry, but the atmosphere kinda ruined the game for me. So what game gets the award? Panzer Dragoon Saga. Why? It's fucking awesome! I see you're shocked and don't understand; let me illustrate it for you:

( Personally, this is my favorite award picture in here.) But there shall be no happy music, for this game summons horrible memories! Memories of Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor. Strategy RPGs already have a reputation for being very difficult (Warsong, Ogre Battle, Thracia 776), but Devil Survivor looked at that level of difficulty and decided to raise to the insane power. Ridiculously hard bosses, enemies that would pop out of nowhere when you made some progress, a random number generator that despises you, etc. Hell, you could say that it's...

( Well, I thought it was funny.) Maybe it's because I watch too much ashens. Anyway, Devil Survivor is not only hatefully hard, but also features a poor localization, freezing issues, some minor inconveniences and fake pretenses towards meaningful protagonist dialogue choices. (Quite the mouthful.) Indeed, Devil Survivor is a bad game. But it's so bad that I'm not even going to give it another award, one was barely enough. Nope, this award goes to Bubsy, a game that would have been perfectly generic if not for broken controls, poor level design, and annoying catch phrases. Ugh. Moving on...

( Keep in mind that I had not finished my first Dan Brown novel at the time.) Seriously, I didn't know Digital Fortress could be so awful. It's an insult to this concept. Anyway, you'll recall (or you won't) that I made a bet with Schmidt about the quality of some random NES games. Well, turns out he was right; many NES games are crap. However, I give the award to myself because he never came up with any conditions for the bet. I accept the award and would like to thank me, for I am God.

( Admit it: we were all surprised to see that Samus had breasts.) So I honor this award in the name of her breasts. Also, because "Aeris's Gaping Stab Wound" is a bit unwieldy. So, what surprised me the most this year? Well, it could have been the previous award, it could've been Dan Brown. But no, it was Earthbound. For the longest time, I hated this game, mainly because it almost drove me away from JRPGs entirely. Then I tried it out years later, and goddamn, it's actually pretty good. Stop gloating, StarFoxA, unless you intend to read this blog. Ooh, freaky!

( Pay attention, because I'm quizzing you on this later.) You'd think that I gave away the recipient in the title, but surprisingly, it isn't Magic Knight Rayearth. Yes, that game made me glad that I had an erection (it confirmed that I wasn't growing a vagina), but Marona from Phantom Brave gets it. That's right, a video game character wins a video game award. Trust me, if you've played the game, you'd know why. They devote an entire chapter to her making a wheelchair-bound friend. The only thing missing from that is talk of boys and make-up tips.

( Oh, some serious shit is about to go down.) You know why? I'm giving it to Halo 3. Oh, I can see a lot of you raising your torches and pitchforks, not understanding the difference between "controversial" and "bad", even if they are almost exactly the same in this context. Remember back in April, when I first blogged about the game? You know, about how the story was about as accessible as Steel Battalion and the gameplay was as much fun as the 1950s? Well, I stand by all these opinions, and, with my vastly improved writing abilities, shall rejustify them here and now. Let us do battle. But first, some words of wisdom: one of my main critics eventually got banned, and I'm now one of the top posters on the General Discussion board. You think about that.

Oh, my. It seems Master Chief blew up part of my blog. Well, I showed him, I showed them all! * evil laugh* (Apologies in advance for the poor quality of the GIF. Anybody who uses GIMP would know why I'm doing this.)

( Well, after that heathen of a game, I thought I'd change to something better.) But what game shall it be? Even though Fallout 3 saw the birth of Bushwald Sexyface, he did not come to true fruition until Saints Row 2. He got a Cockney accent and an alter ego. This is all awesome. Enough said.

( Math nerds, rejoice!) For my choice of game, I give the Sigma Award to Breath of Fire III. It had so many good ideas, but like a lot of games, the good ideas amounted to nothing, since they literally did nothing. Throw in the already average base gameplay, and, well, you know...Just read the actual review I posted LONG ago.

( Aw, I thought it was a güd game. ) But maybe that's because I was lead design man. Anyway, what gets the "honor" of being a horror to the eyes? Not Brutal Legend, you presumptuous readers. Phantom Brave goes home with two awards today, for the box art is bad. The Collector's Edition is nice and calm, but take off that cardboard sleeve and OH MY GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING!? It looks like somebody vomited Lucky Charms onto an anime.

( Wow, an award that actually has its work cut out for it.) There have been so many good blogs this year, it's hard to decide. Let's review this best ones:

Saints Row 2

Perhaps the blog many of you remember best for Bushwald Sexyface. It was here where he got his trademark alter ego, his Cockney accent, his love of the finer things in life. Like that ass, which he shall tap like a keg. What could possibly be better than that?

Fallout 3

How about the birth of Bushwald Sexyface? The world of Fallout 3 was horribly unsexy, and it was up to one man to re-sexyfy it: Bushwald Sexyface! Unfortunately, he didn't have much of a voice and a rather sexy woman died in the end, so Saints Row 2 is automatically better.

800 games beaten

I am horribly disappointed in you, my Parliamenty Fresh. This was such a great blog with decent humor, nice reviews, and a purpose for you, my newly dubbed Parliamenty Fresh. I never once rescinded your duties; you can still recommend games for me to replay. But do you? No, none of you do. This is why I'm a Monarchist.

Birthday

Quiz time! What was-damn it, I guess I gave away the answer, didn't I? That blog for my birthday. Unfortunately, things didn't turn out so well, for not only did it result in me getting Fable II, but I was then introduced to Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor. Ugh. Just thinking of that game makes me puke boiling vomit.

Satan Claus

This type of blog will always have a special place in my heart. I did it on GameSpot for my 20,000th post, and that led to an epic quest where I eventually died and then my wife killed him once and for all. (What, you want a link for that? Get it yourself, I'm not gonna dig through all those blogs.) I did the same thing here, added about 900% more awesome, and got some similarly awesome results. However, Glenn Beck has also been big this year, and guess what? He's been using similar styles, only without a sense of irony or humor, leading many people to compare my blog to him. So at least one good thing came from this blog: I can say what I've always wanted to say: Fuck you, Glenn Beck. Seriously, fuck you.

Final Fantasy Tactics

Wow, this is actually quite the rare blog. You know, the one where all three portions of it are decent. The video featured the corny asshole known as Link (don't ponder that too much), I wrote a fighting blog that was actually quite decent, and Final Fantasy Tactics turned out to be one of my personal favorites. (The blog, not the game (not insulting it).) Hell, it even subtlely spawned the name of my blog, Renegade Ego, just as this blog will unsubtlely spawn my official tag line to the title: "Because if a writer is going to insult you, they should at least be honest about it."

So which one gets it? It's a close call between my Satan Claus blog and Final Fantasy Tactics, but in the end, I still have to give it to my Satan Claus blog. Always fun. Now that that's done, time to go back to making blogs that probably won't live up to the legacies Renegade Ego 0 and my Satan Claus blog have set forth.

( Seeing that everybody else is doing their own Game of the Decade things, I thought I'd join the game, as well.) So what game will it be? Super Mario Galaxy? Final Fantasy X? Conker's Bad Fur Day? BioShock? Nope, it's Fire Emblem: Seisen no Keifu. Yes, it came out this decade, so shut it. And keep it shut. Heathen.

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