Wait, when did this become Anime Vice? What's going on?

Neon Genesis Evangelion

(こんにちは, bitches.) This week, I come to you with an anime themed blog, because themed blogs are infinitely easier to title than other blogs. Unfortunately, I don't think I've ever seen the animes in question, meaning at best, I can only give you vague ideas of how they connect to the source material. Also, at least one person will probably yell at me for this. Yea...I didn't think this out too well. Just like the developers of this game! Turns out that in trying to make it like the anime so damn much, they forgot to make a decent game part of their video game.

Though that's not to say it's entirely worthless. After all, if you're a fan of the show, I imagine you'll like it a lot. Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of the show, and everything is in Japanese, meaning I have no idea what's going on half the time. Robots beat things up, act stupid, Shinji yells a lot, and that's about it. For some reason, that sounds like an accurate description of the show, and for no reason, it makes me want to watch it. I know that sounds weird, but it does. The visual style is pretty cool, what with the robots being fairly organic and everything (even when it backfires, like in the previous video), and it has some pretty cool moments. I know that sounds weird coming hot off the heels of a robot howling at....something, but look at this. It's just fun to watch and makes the game enjoyable. In fact, the animes are the best part of this game (even though it can look shit half the time), which should be a good indication of where things go from here.

But what about the game part? Well, not only is it not very good, but it's very hard to describe, since it can't decide on what type of game it wants to be. It's like the lead game designer was too much a pussy to tell people their ideas couldn't be in this game. So, like my girly blog of oh so long ago, I'll break it up into what I can remember, but this time, it'll be ordered by importance! First up:

Fighting Segments!

What.

OK, this constitutes about 40%ish percent of the game, so you'd expect it to be worthwhile. Not even close. Fighting games live by two things: a wide variety of moves and tight, precise controls. Neon Genesis Evangelion has neither. You're limited to about two moves, and only one of them is useful (except in one level, where it's the exact opposite). So most battles devolve into mechs trying to hug each other and backing the hell away when they blatantly telegraph this. Good thing, too, because the controls are more sluggish than France. Tell Shinji/Asuka/Rei (possibly) to stab a mech and they'll give it some thought while the weremechs of the night approach. Then they'll freak the fuck out and scream them to death. I wish that could make up for the flaws, but it doesn't. Speaking of flaws...

Shitty Quick Time Events!

To be fair, though, the game does introduce some variety with the QTEs, but I still didn't find them terribly enjoyable. First up is the semi traditional "PRESS THIS BUTTON NOW" type. Why the semi? WATCH OUT, THAT SEMI IS ABOUT TO RUN YOUR ASS OVER!!! Uh, I mean "because it's a button and a direction". Nothing too offensive, but the reaction time on these things is so quick that I'm certain the developers have some type of vendetta against psychics. But what about those other QTEs? These function more like a rhythm mini-game: press these buttons before time runs out while music is playing. Sounds serviceable enough, but unfortunately, it is. I can't think of any major faults with it. I can't think of anything terribly exciting about these sections, either, but in this game, you take what you can get, like...

Holding Z Sometimes!

There are two levels dedicated to this: one has you hold Z twice, while another has you hold Z thrice while pressing other buttons. Riveting. Now there's more to be found in this game, but a lot of it is very one-note (IE I can only note one time it appears in the game) and I believe I got my point across: the gameplay's weak, and I don't think the developers could give two Shinjis either way. I suggest you do the same.

Review Synopsis

  • I have to admit that this did get me slightly pumped for the anime...
  • ...despite it being twelve different games and none of them being any good.
  • To make up for it, here's two robots fucking.

My god! They've weaponized ham! I thought bitch was the limit!

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon R

(Up next in this poorly conceived anime line up is Sailor Moon!) Now unlike Neon Genesis Evangelion, I may have once seen an episode of Sailor Moon, maybe. It's been so long that I can't remember a damn thing. A rabbit girl summons moon power to beat people up, and for some reason, that's all I can remember. Probably would have helped, though, if I could remember literally anything else, given how confusing this game is.

In fact, I think that's the game's priority, since from the very beginning, I don't understand a damn thing. Sailor Moon's living the life of a normal Japanese youth, which involves her future daughter brainwashing Sailor Moon's family, for reasons probably explained in the show. Then the Black Crystal Gang is going to steal something or do something that also happens to involve a confusing word salad, thereby forcing Sailor Moon to go Sailor Moon. Then there are other Sailors who represent other parts of the Solar System, but don't really get mentioned in the story. Now does that seem disjointed and difficult to understand? That's not my fault, for once: that's literally how the game handles things.

Let me make this perfectly clear: this bitch does not represent the Moon.

Think it gets better in the actual game? WRONG. Here's a listing of the stages in the game, nothing abridged: first is the school cultural festival, which immediately becomes Batman Returns for reasons unclear. Next up is a generic fantasy setting where gnomes jack off in the background. Then Crystal Tokyo, and finally, space, because if you're going to give up your stockpile of fucks, you might as well do it in style. All the while, some fuck in a mask says things at me, which I guess constitutes a plot. That probably explains why there isn't any to speak of anywhere else. I know I shouldn't be complaining about the crap story, since a lot of games have them, but whenever it does have a story, it at least feels like it's trying to be the anime. So if they put that much effort into making it feel like an anime, why did they give up when it came time to write a cohesive story to join it all together? Or is that what the show was like in general? That shouldn't really surprise me.

Just as it shouldn't surprise you that this game isn't that good. It's not bad, though; it's average. Really, really, really average. In fact, all I have to do is tell you that it's a beat-em-up and you'll know exactly what it's like. You beat people up and then do that again. Stretch it over four stages, and you have Pretty Girl Knight Sailor Moon R. Not that I'm insulting it or anything. Beating people up is always fun, and the game at least tries to build on that. You have some OKish enemy variety, five Sailors to choose from (and one mini-Sailor who makes the game super goddamn easy), a grading system, for some reason, and some other stuff! What more could you ask for? Quite a bit, actually. No matter who you choose, you only get three or four moves, depending on how you look at things, and the game edges a bit on the easy side. True, it is easy for whatever-the-hell-these-things-are to corner you and smack your ass about, but you're still going to blow through this thing in about a day. Still, there are worse ways to spend that day. *points above*

Review Synopsis

  • This game makes absolutely no sense, and not in a good way .
  • Imagine if Streets of Rage had more Japanese schoolgirls. You're probably imagining Streets of Rage 3, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.
35 Comments
36 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King

Neon Genesis Evangelion

(こんにちは, bitches.) This week, I come to you with an anime themed blog, because themed blogs are infinitely easier to title than other blogs. Unfortunately, I don't think I've ever seen the animes in question, meaning at best, I can only give you vague ideas of how they connect to the source material. Also, at least one person will probably yell at me for this. Yea...I didn't think this out too well. Just like the developers of this game! Turns out that in trying to make it like the anime so damn much, they forgot to make a decent game part of their video game.

Though that's not to say it's entirely worthless. After all, if you're a fan of the show, I imagine you'll like it a lot. Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of the show, and everything is in Japanese, meaning I have no idea what's going on half the time. Robots beat things up, act stupid, Shinji yells a lot, and that's about it. For some reason, that sounds like an accurate description of the show, and for no reason, it makes me want to watch it. I know that sounds weird, but it does. The visual style is pretty cool, what with the robots being fairly organic and everything (even when it backfires, like in the previous video), and it has some pretty cool moments. I know that sounds weird coming hot off the heels of a robot howling at....something, but look at this. It's just fun to watch and makes the game enjoyable. In fact, the animes are the best part of this game (even though it can look shit half the time), which should be a good indication of where things go from here.

But what about the game part? Well, not only is it not very good, but it's very hard to describe, since it can't decide on what type of game it wants to be. It's like the lead game designer was too much a pussy to tell people their ideas couldn't be in this game. So, like my girly blog of oh so long ago, I'll break it up into what I can remember, but this time, it'll be ordered by importance! First up:

Fighting Segments!

What.

OK, this constitutes about 40%ish percent of the game, so you'd expect it to be worthwhile. Not even close. Fighting games live by two things: a wide variety of moves and tight, precise controls. Neon Genesis Evangelion has neither. You're limited to about two moves, and only one of them is useful (except in one level, where it's the exact opposite). So most battles devolve into mechs trying to hug each other and backing the hell away when they blatantly telegraph this. Good thing, too, because the controls are more sluggish than France. Tell Shinji/Asuka/Rei (possibly) to stab a mech and they'll give it some thought while the weremechs of the night approach. Then they'll freak the fuck out and scream them to death. I wish that could make up for the flaws, but it doesn't. Speaking of flaws...

Shitty Quick Time Events!

To be fair, though, the game does introduce some variety with the QTEs, but I still didn't find them terribly enjoyable. First up is the semi traditional "PRESS THIS BUTTON NOW" type. Why the semi? WATCH OUT, THAT SEMI IS ABOUT TO RUN YOUR ASS OVER!!! Uh, I mean "because it's a button and a direction". Nothing too offensive, but the reaction time on these things is so quick that I'm certain the developers have some type of vendetta against psychics. But what about those other QTEs? These function more like a rhythm mini-game: press these buttons before time runs out while music is playing. Sounds serviceable enough, but unfortunately, it is. I can't think of any major faults with it. I can't think of anything terribly exciting about these sections, either, but in this game, you take what you can get, like...

Holding Z Sometimes!

There are two levels dedicated to this: one has you hold Z twice, while another has you hold Z thrice while pressing other buttons. Riveting. Now there's more to be found in this game, but a lot of it is very one-note (IE I can only note one time it appears in the game) and I believe I got my point across: the gameplay's weak, and I don't think the developers could give two Shinjis either way. I suggest you do the same.

Review Synopsis

  • I have to admit that this did get me slightly pumped for the anime...
  • ...despite it being twelve different games and none of them being any good.
  • To make up for it, here's two robots fucking.

My god! They've weaponized ham! I thought bitch was the limit!

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon R

(Up next in this poorly conceived anime line up is Sailor Moon!) Now unlike Neon Genesis Evangelion, I may have once seen an episode of Sailor Moon, maybe. It's been so long that I can't remember a damn thing. A rabbit girl summons moon power to beat people up, and for some reason, that's all I can remember. Probably would have helped, though, if I could remember literally anything else, given how confusing this game is.

In fact, I think that's the game's priority, since from the very beginning, I don't understand a damn thing. Sailor Moon's living the life of a normal Japanese youth, which involves her future daughter brainwashing Sailor Moon's family, for reasons probably explained in the show. Then the Black Crystal Gang is going to steal something or do something that also happens to involve a confusing word salad, thereby forcing Sailor Moon to go Sailor Moon. Then there are other Sailors who represent other parts of the Solar System, but don't really get mentioned in the story. Now does that seem disjointed and difficult to understand? That's not my fault, for once: that's literally how the game handles things.

Let me make this perfectly clear: this bitch does not represent the Moon.

Think it gets better in the actual game? WRONG. Here's a listing of the stages in the game, nothing abridged: first is the school cultural festival, which immediately becomes Batman Returns for reasons unclear. Next up is a generic fantasy setting where gnomes jack off in the background. Then Crystal Tokyo, and finally, space, because if you're going to give up your stockpile of fucks, you might as well do it in style. All the while, some fuck in a mask says things at me, which I guess constitutes a plot. That probably explains why there isn't any to speak of anywhere else. I know I shouldn't be complaining about the crap story, since a lot of games have them, but whenever it does have a story, it at least feels like it's trying to be the anime. So if they put that much effort into making it feel like an anime, why did they give up when it came time to write a cohesive story to join it all together? Or is that what the show was like in general? That shouldn't really surprise me.

Just as it shouldn't surprise you that this game isn't that good. It's not bad, though; it's average. Really, really, really average. In fact, all I have to do is tell you that it's a beat-em-up and you'll know exactly what it's like. You beat people up and then do that again. Stretch it over four stages, and you have Pretty Girl Knight Sailor Moon R. Not that I'm insulting it or anything. Beating people up is always fun, and the game at least tries to build on that. You have some OKish enemy variety, five Sailors to choose from (and one mini-Sailor who makes the game super goddamn easy), a grading system, for some reason, and some other stuff! What more could you ask for? Quite a bit, actually. No matter who you choose, you only get three or four moves, depending on how you look at things, and the game edges a bit on the easy side. True, it is easy for whatever-the-hell-these-things-are to corner you and smack your ass about, but you're still going to blow through this thing in about a day. Still, there are worse ways to spend that day. *points above*

Review Synopsis

  • This game makes absolutely no sense, and not in a good way .
  • Imagine if Streets of Rage had more Japanese schoolgirls. You're probably imagining Streets of Rage 3, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.
Posted by Ravenlight

If you can willingly switch off the part of your brain that tries to make sense of what is going on, Evangaleon is actually pretty good. Except for the last half. And the movie that's supposed to make up for the last half. And any time Shinji is on the screen.

Y'know what, just watch clips of Gendo being disappointed by his son. That's the best part.

Edited by Animasta

awww, you didn't play the sailor moon RPG? clearly the superior sailor moon video game.

also sailor moon is the moon princess! course she represents the moon. SHE'S NEO QUEEN SERENITY SON

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Ravenlight:

What about Shinji screaming and stabbing things? Is that in the show? Or is it just robots humping and howling like wolves?

@Animasta:

I'm (slowly) working my way through Innocent Sin, though. Unless I can finish that Sailor Moon thing in a week, it'll have to wait.

Posted by Animasta

@Video_Game_King said:

@Ravenlight:

What about Shinji screaming and stabbing things? Is that in the show? Or is it just robots humping and howling like wolves?

@Animasta:

I'm (slowly) working my way through Innocent Sin, though. Unless I can finish that Sailor Moon thing in a week, it'll have to wait.

I have no idea, I should get back to it... It does have a rather annoying encounter rate, but this is a SNES (er, super famicom) game so it's not super surprising. Innocent Sin is the right way to go though

Posted by Ravenlight

@Video_Game_King said:

@Ravenlight:

What about Shinji screaming and stabbing things? Is that in the show? Or is it just robots humping and howling like wolves?

The problem with Shinji doing anything is that it's Shinji and therefore inherently uncool. It's like if Squall from FFVIII had even less social skills and whined even more.

Posted by Dagbiker

@Ravenlight said:

If you can willingly switch off the part of your brain that tries to make sense of what is going on, Evangaleon is actually pretty good. Except for the last half. And the movie that's supposed to make up for the last half. And any time Shinji is on the screen.

Y'know what, just watch clips of Gendo being disappointed by his son. That's the best part.

the only time Evengaleon ever made any sense was any time they were sexualizing underage girls, or make that sexualizing anything at all.

Posted by jewunit

Sailor Moon had an okay arcade beat-em-up game. I played it with a friend at a local comic store and we beat it with about $3 worth of quarters.

Posted by ShadowConqueror

I like the Evangelion anime quite a bit (though I think I like the "Rebuild of Evangelion" reboot better), but it's a shame the game is pretty bad. At least it seems confused about what it wants to be, which I guess ties into the anime slightly, albeit that was probably unintentional.

Posted by Video_Game_King

I feel like this blog was specifically designed to shoo me away from anything Evangelion.

Posted by pyromagnestir

@Video_Game_King said:

I feel like this blog was specifically designed to shoo me away from anything Evangelion.

Well does this change your mind?

How about if someone adds some unfitting music?

Posted by Undeadpool

If you're out of high school, don't bother with Evangelion. I loved it at the time, but in retrospect, it's ACTUALLY pretty obnoxious. Pick up FLCL instead, it's by the same creator and it also features giant robots.

Posted by ArbitraryWater

@Video_Game_King said:

I feel like this blog was specifically designed to shoo me away from anything Evangelion.

To be fair, the show itself does that. It baffles me that something as nihilistic and generally effed up as Evangelion is as wildly popular as it is in Japan. Then I remember that there is a lot of creepy sexualization of underage girls to go along with what @pyromagnestir: posted and I'm like: "Oh right." I still stand by saying that you should watch it, if only because of how batshit crazy it gets and how big of a middle finger the ending is (combined with how batshit a middle finger End of Evangelion is).

Posted by pyromagnestir

@ArbitraryWater: The show handles the extent of it's characters' depression pretty well, I thought. And man are they fucking depressed. The sexualization of underage girls is a little less creepy when taking into account that the main character of the show's is a high school kid himself who's depression is linked to serious issues involving sexuality and whatnot (as evidenced by the scene I linked to, which might've perhaps been a bridge too far), at least when it's not being played for "laughs" or fanservice, which is never not creepy.

It's not really a show I'd recommend to anyone, though. Even though I liked it. It's fucked up.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@pyromagnestir said:

@Video_Game_King said:

I feel like this blog was specifically designed to shoo me away from anything Evangelion.

Well does this change your mind?

*clicks link, sees title before video fully loads* Absolutely not.

Edited by pyromagnestir

@Video_Game_King said:

@pyromagnestir said:

@Video_Game_King said:

I feel like this blog was specifically designed to shoo me away from anything Evangelion.

Well does this change your mind?

*clicks link, sees title before video fully loads* Absolutely not.

Curses! My troll attempt has failed thanks to overly specific youtube video titles! Aw well.

*giggles and runs away*

Although now I feel the urge to point out that that scene isn't some fan made porn thing, it's actually a scene from the official movie... It's fucked up.

Posted by Jay444111

I think everyone should admit. Japan makes some interesting endings to their media... at least most of the time.

Also, the graphics actually don't look to bad for the EVA game. Kinda surprised on how it looks! I should also mention that I have no fucking idea on where to watch this series... I wish I could legitimately. Not that I would pirate! I don't even know HOW to pirate so... uh... I am digging myself a hole aren't I?

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Jay444111:

Have you tried YouTube? Or Google? Hell, I'm pretty sure Hulu has it up. If they have Death Note and the Persona 4 anime, then they're bound to have something like Evangelion up.

Posted by EXTomar

I don't know about the game but Sailor Moon R game but Sailor Moon S was the best series out of the set where I wondered why there wasn't more games based upon it.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@EXTomar:

There's a difference?

Posted by ArbitraryWater

@Video_Game_King said:

@Jay444111:

Have you tried YouTube? Or Google? Hell, I'm pretty sure Hulu has it up. If they have Death Note and the Persona 4 anime, then they're bound to have something like Evangelion up.

I totally watched all of Evangelion on youtube, not to mention the second rebuild movie.

Posted by Animasta

@Video_Game_King said:

@EXTomar:

There's a difference?

sailor moon S is way darker, it introduces the best characters (sailor uranus and sailor neptune), and it has less filler.

it's also hella gay for a show marketed to young girls

it was also less focused on chibi usa (that small girl I assume you were referring to; did she have black or pink hair?) who was the worst.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Animasta:

Pink. I could imagine her being super annoying, too, if there was a coherent plot she'd play a role in.

Posted by Animasta

@Video_Game_King said:

@Animasta:

Pink. I could imagine her being super annoying, too, if there was a coherent plot she'd play a role in.

she's there because she's the daughter of sailor moon from the 30th century and future sailor moon sent her there to train because that totally makes sense (well originally she was there because she had to save future sailor moon but)

argh she's the worst

Posted by ArclightBorealis

I actually played that Evangelion game on an emulator when I was wanting to try out some Japanese N64 games. Pretty accurate summary. I've seen the show, and while I don't think it is the best anime ever made, the experience of watching it devolve into insanity is an interesting ride. Heck I'd say the second half of it is better just because of how off the rails it gets. But then again, I was 15 when I watched it and hadn't seen as much ridiculous shit as I have now, so I don't know if it would have the same effect. Also, it is weird that you're talking about this game as I was looking at Evangelion games for the Saturn not too long ago.

Can't really speak to the Sailor Moon game, as I have had no interest in the series, at least not until recently when I started watching the Dark Kingdom arc earlier this year.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Alaska_Gamer:

I actually saw that blog and decided to read it after I finished this one. All I could say was "Yes, those are things I would say about this game, too".

Posted by pyromagnestir

Oh hey, I just noticed you used Super Saiyan Goku instead of your usual Mario with a crown. And then I fell into a pit of self-loathing for knowing and noticing these things. (for example, I hate that I know the proper spelling for saiyan off the top of my head)

Posted by Video_Game_King

@pyromagnestir:

I change it whenever I detect even the slightest hint of a theme. For instance, my Tear Ring Saga blog has me as Holmes in the banner, since it's a Fire Emblem themed blog. Or maybe I just really like Holmes. Could be either one.

Posted by Mento

I liked some of the concepts Evangelion had for the Angels, especially the 12th Leliel, but.. yeah. Wrapping 20 hours of daddy issues and angst and tsunderes and creepy 14 year olds in catsuits around it didn't make for a satisfying package. Didn't help the creator was basically suffering from under-medicated depression throughout. The movie really is something, though I'm hesitant to define it in more certain terms.

But hey, N64 games are fun. I ought to bust out that old thing and its trident controllers some time.

Moderator
Posted by Video_Game_King

@Mento said:

But hey, N64 games are fun.

Except, you know, this one.

Posted by ArbitraryWater

@Mento: The Rebuild movies actually do a pretty decent job of making everyone decidedly less reprehensible while simultaneously ratcheting up the batshit and the creepy fanservice (the first of which is why I kinda like the series to begin with. The latter being a result of the series' mega popularity). Not entirely sure why I'm directing this comment at you, but I figured I should get that out there. You know. For posterity.

Edited by Mento

@Video_Game_King: QTEs entirely in Japanese aren't fun? My world is shattering.

/edit: By the by, the goofy roaring robot is based on the times the Eva-01 (i.e. the red one with Shinji) goes berserk, like here. It's intended to be horrifying, but the show's depiction of a 250 foot tall robot howling like a wolf has an uphill struggle to convey that effect.

@ArbitraryWater: I've heard the Rebuild stuff in some way makes up for the depression thing, as that was an unintentional influence on the creative process of the original series. Specifically the parts that were a total bummer, I would imagine. I'd like to see what they've changed some time, but I haven't watched a serious amount of anime in years. No time like the present I suppose.

Moderator
Posted by Turambar
@Video_Game_King said:

I feel like this blog was specifically designed to shoo me away from anything Evangelion.

Watch the Rebuild of Evangelion movies and make up your own mind.  The divergence in opinion on the show is massive, making 3 sentence recommendations for / tirades against the show largely useless.
Posted by Ravenlight

@Turambar said:

Watch the Rebuild of Evangelion movies and make up your own mind. The divergence in opinion on the show is massive, making 3 sentence recommendations for / tirades against the show largely useless.

You're totally right, of course. Despite all of my shit-talking, I actually enjoy Evangeleon but I wouldn't actually recommend the base show to anyone without a few significant caveats.

Posted by Dexter_Morgan_

I want to kill everyone here.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Dexter_Morgan_:

Care to elaborate?